Song: idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish

It must've been days since the last time Trudy saw the sun.

Her enormous windows were covered with shiffon, egyptian curtains, her oak wooden door had been locked, and Trudy hadn't left that bed of hers not even once - except for the occasional visits to the bathroom. Trudy was glad it was the Spring Break and the middle of the week, since she didn't have to make an excuse as to why she was missing school and her parents were too busy to bother with her. Even Evangeline, who left her to rot in her misery the other day, didn't even bother with her like the last time she was in a similar condition - after the Spring Ball. Even Justin the bastard didn't even call her to apologize for what he did.

Zarek was right - no one gives a shit about me.

Trudy twisted in her bed, an indescribable pain crushing her insides. She felt something drip out of her and she cursed - the puking wasn't enough and now I have to endure my period too.

After a trip to the bathroom to use pads - because tampons were so overrated - and a quick change of underwear, Trudy opened her bedroom door and peaked her skinny diamond-shaped face in the corridor filled with exotic paintings and overrated antics. Her snaky, brown eyes caught sight of one of the maids and she - very rudely - called her over.

"Yes, Ms. Green?" The pretty maid who Trudy recognized as the girl who let her and Eva through the backdoor a few nights ago was fiddling with her black uniform, her tangled brown hair that was up in the worst ponytail Trudy had the horror of witnessing was the only bad quality about her which gave Trudy a sick validation of her worth.

Trudy was standing with the most confidence she had felt in days due to the power she held over the maid. "Bring me a cup of hot chocolate and cookies." Trudy bossed. When the girl just stood there, staring at the ground, Trudy snapped. "Are you deaf or what? Go and do what I said!"

The white girl flinched at Trudy's outburst, hurrying away. Trudy grinned, glad that she still had the power in her. She was about to regret her request of food when her guts twisted again. She needed to fill her stomach with something because having to puke air was worst than shrugging down shards of glass. Besides, it was her period that craved the chocolate, and the cookies were just for good measure.

Trudy was staring at the clothes in her walk-in closet. The racks were filled with numerous items from rare designer shoes to furry coats and leather jackets. Trudy always found comfort in those materialistic things, she always went binge-shopping whenever she felt down. Most of these things still had the tags on, not having the honor to be worn by the wicked Trudy for various reasons - being forgotten from Trudy's memory because they were too many, being too dressed up for Trudy's boring life, or being too revealing for Trudy's insecurities.

Trudy wanted to go to another shopping spree right now and drown away her misery along with her oblivious parents' bank accounts, but Trudy was too self-conscious for that. Other than Eva and maids - who she could overpower with ease - Trudy didn't have it in her to face anyone else. Instead, Trudy settled for browsing in her closet that might as well have been a section from Saks since they were brand new with tags on and erased from Trudy's memory.

Trudy dropped her loose sweatpants and took off her oversized shirt, being left in a lacy black Agent Provocateur underwear and a Victoria's Secret white bra. She stared at herself in the wall-length mirror, her brown eyes lingering over the excess skin that stopped her from having a model-worthy thigh gap, the ridiculously deep belly button that she wanted to hide so bad with a diamond piercing but Paige didn't allow her, and the flab in what should've been a bicep.

Trudy took a deep breath and ripped her eyes away from her imperfections, picking out a random item of clothing to try on. The summer dress was a bright and a happy yellow, a pattern with various flowers with vibrant colors was designing the flowy material, reaching just above her knees. Trudy cringed at it, not seeing herself buy such a childish clothing piece in a million years. She reckoned that she must've bought when she was in middle-school.

Yup, Trudy cringed, middle-school me would've loved this dress.

Despite having nothing but disgust towards it, Trudy still put it on. Even though Trudy bought that dress a long time ago, it still swallowed her, reminding her how fat she was in the past. Once she cringed a little more on how ugly she used to be - and still was - Trudy had a better inspect on the yellow dress.

The dress fit a little odd in some places, like the waist was too wide and the shoulders were too small for Trudy's grown frame, but that wasn't the only problem. The dress didn't sit well on not only Trudy's body, but her personality too. Nowadays, Trudy would have never been caught wearing something so sweet and simple as oppose to her old self who would have worn it with so much pride and love for it.

And that was more painful than any insecurity - because confidence could be faked, but never the innocence.

Trudy had been denied her innocence - they stole it from her, and she could never get it back. That was one of the reasons why she despised Evangeline so much; Evangeline was living in innocence and pureness, she had no idea how it felt for them to be snatched away from her just like that. How come Evangeline could marvel her innocence while Trudy was judged and framed for something she would have never done? It wasn't just. They ruined Trudy, and Trudy would ruin Evangeline for that.

Eva had it so easy - not only was it because of her uneventful, happy past, she was white as well. She never had to endure people pointing fingers at her because of her past and color, whispering mean things not only behind her back but in her presence as well, being accused of things she would never be able to do - no, that wasn't fair.

Trudy took a closer step toward the gigantic mirror, tears building in her broken eyes. Everything in the background seemed to blur away, her main focus was her reflection staring back at her. Her dainty hand rose - dismissing her chapped and peeled nails - and touched her makeup-free face. Her face had many discoloration and pimples beneath her skin, but Trudy dismissed that as well but her skin. It was a shade lighter than her dark, brown hair - that was currently in sticky tangles from the sleep-sweat - and she hated the color. No wonder people were racist to her, no wonder her distanced family practically kicked them out of their luxurious, white VIPs - well all but her grandma, Rose Murky, who was the reason the Green family had a despicable branch in their family tree in the first place, and no wonder her great grandfather, Louis Green The Senior, disowned his son after marrying his maid; Rose Murky.

Trudy's hand pulled at her skin, trying to rip it off. She didn't want it nor did she ask for it, so why was she forced to live with it for eternity? She pulled and pulled, but it didn't free her of the burden of colored skin but only gave her nasty scratches on her diamond-shaped face instead. When her pathetic attempts didn't work, Trudy slapped herself and let out a shrilling scream. The sound was so loud that Trudy felt the world around her shake.

All the emotional pain, the physical sickness, and the lack of food in her body crumpled up on her then, heaving her down. Next thing Trudy knew, she was on the ground since her knees were weaker than her composure, her eyes being blocked by darkness. She felt herself falling off a cliff, she wanted to scream but her voice was restrained and vanished. She truly thought she was about to faint or even better - die.

In her darkened vision and whistling ears, Trudy noticed that the maid put down a tray on the floor and rushed to her. "Ms. Green?" Her voice was shaky and apparently very concerned. "Are you okay? Do you need help?"

"No," Trudy hissed, forcing herself up her wobbly feet. She didn't need help - help was for the weak, and she most definitely wasn't weak. She'd push through this, she had done it before, and she would do it time and time again if she had to. "Did you bring what I said?"

"Yes," The young and very attractive maid - that reminded Trudy of a nicer and a more conservative Alisha - looked unconvinced but let it drop. She picked up the previous tray and headed to the hostile, rich girl in a ridiculous yellow dress. "Here - the hot chocolate and cookies you wanted."

Trudy stared at the black chocolate, her stomach grumbled at the alluring smell and the sight of the freshly baked cookies with chocolate chips. Suddenly, Justin's hurtful words rang in her eerie ears - you're my chocolate. Trudy officially hated the sweet food, it reminded her too much of her insecurities and she couldn't take it.

Without prior warning, Trudy knocked the tray, causing its content to spill all over the white apron of the poor maid.

The cookies fell to the tiles and crumpled upon contact, the hot liquid piercing through the thick material of the maid's uniform and burning her porcelain skin - good. The brunette squirmed in pain, the silver tray falling to the ground with a loud thud. The girl didn't even get to wince in pain properly, kneeling on the ground and inspecting the damage done to the tray. "Oh, god, it's bended!" she exasperated, "Mrs. Green will be so upset..."

Trudy flipped her tangled hair, satisfaction leaping into her crooked smile. "Looks like you're in trouble."

The maid stood up, anger filling the usual shyness in her big eyes. "Why did you do that?"

"Careful." Trudy's face dropped. She stepped over the cookies with her Gucci slides, breaking them to sandy dough. "Now clean up the mess and get the fuck out of my room before I change my mind and fire you, cutting off your only source of income."

The maid bit her lip, clearly holding back her pathetic tears and knelt down again, picking up the silver dishes and crumbles, grunting at the stickiness of the chocolate with every move she made.

Trudy grinned down, already feeling better about herself. She should have been ashamed for getting off of people's pain, but she wasn't - wasn't that why her parents hired white staff?

They clearly did so so they would degrade them, bossing them around and feeling better about their color.

Trudy is breathing life into herself. she was supposed to be a spoiled heartless brat, but somehow developed this emotional side of her - i love it!