** opens the letter**

Dear Friend, 

It's been a while since I've been thinking about you. I intended to write this a lot sooner but I never had the courage to. I don't even know how to start.  I am sorry i can't name you here, but I hope if you read this, you realize it is for you. 

Who am I kidding? This letter would never see the light of the day anyway. 

Huh.......anyways, Dear Friend. It's been almost 5 years now. I hope there is no resentment between us anymore. I don't know if we had resentment of any sort to begin with. I am sorry if this letter starts on a sad note, but know this... I AM ONE HECK OF A CLUELESS BASTARD. So even if you're reading this now. You'll have to bear it with me... Like always. 

So please, Be patient. okay?

So yeah, 5 years huh? Long time. Btw... Do you remember why you were mad at me? 

I know it's been 5 years but still I don't know. 

Was it because  I didn't pay attention to you after all the promises I'd made to stick by you? Or was it because you thought I was too much toxic of a person to be with? 

Was I too inconsiderate or was I just... dumb?

Do you blame me for totally forgetting about you or did your insecurity of losing me overwhelmed you over my constant trial to reach out to you?

It is sad that I'll never know what it is. Honestly, I wish I had a closure but you even dismiss that.I remember how we met. I remember how much of a pain in the ass you were. I remember how much it took for me to make you believe me and how much you tried to make me believe you. 

I know you were hurt a lot and I know for a fact that you thought I don't give a damn. 

I wish I could tell you how wrong you were. I wish you gave me a chance. I wish you heard me out or even let me have a chance to talk.

I know I am inconsiderate, but I am not that bad of a person. 

Am I?

I know you don't have any fucking idea how much it bothers me to lose a friend like you. I know you're never gonna know AND FUCK OFF honestly. You HURT ME. 

I wish you'd have screamed and cussed at me instead of just.... ignoring me.

But I guess in this letter I can....no I will tell you how much you mattered, and how pathetic it makes me feel to not be able to be by your side. 

SO yeah! listen up. 

You're a bitch. You were when we met. 

But you had your reasons, and I accepted every bit of you like you did for me. You know how pathetic I was. It was almost like we were perfect. Best of friends, Picture perfect. Both of us as top tier pain in the asses and yet we understood each other. 

I know our childishness made us invade each other's personal space.  I mean who the FUCK tells you about your entire past history dude when you don't have the slightest bit of trust on each other. We treated it as a game to win over each other, right?

Absurdity at it's best.

Man, I hate that phase, and Mannn I love that phase. 

I didn't know such absurdity could bring two idiots so close. 

I loved your username you know. It was a Pokemon, probably my favorite one and then one day you changed it. 

You have no idea how pissed I was. 

though funny enough i didn't know you were pissed at me back then too. lol. 

Now that I think about it, was there a time when you weren't? 

It took you a lot to trust me huh? I mean who makes just a different id to spy as a different person to know how I genuinely feel about you? like dude, who does that.

I mean playing me two ways aside, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MANAGE SWITCHING TWO ACCOUNTS AT THE SAME TIME TO TALK TO ME. LIKE HUH?????????

I wasn't offended you know. I always had to give proof of my loyalty to almost every friend I made in life. but dude, going to such lengths? WHAT KINDA IDIOT DOES THAT?

I wonder if you remember those constant fights of 2018, or if you remember me being a stubborn bitch. 

I do remember your second accounts alias though. SO much to make me jello. Only if you knew that I didn't care if I wasn't your best friend. I just wanted to be a friend. 

I've honestly not met much of good people in my life, and those whom I did find. I wanted to keep close or at least tried to. I was stupid. 

Things didn't live long between us. Though I have so many memories you gave me and I cherish every bit of it. 

Like the one where we had a call at midnight and someone woke up in your house while you put your phone under the pillow and I heard all your conversation. You should thank me for cutting the call when your dad asked for the phone while I was LITERALLY ON CALL, or else you'd be in the world of pain.

And WHO THE FUCK FORCES SOMEONE CALL AT MIDNIGHT DUDE? As if we were never going to get a cha-.

Oh, but we actually never did. 

Our first and last. 

sad. huh.

I guess that marked the point of our peak friendship right?

Why is all beautiful thing so short-lived?

There is soooooo much that you gave me. Good and bad.

But you never gave me a chance to speak. nor you gave yourself the chance to listen. 

I told you I'll be with you in your best and the worst. 

I know I tried. 

I reached out to you when your rabbit died. That one friend you held so dear. I remember reading your message board. But it was too far gone to reach out. 

I never asked but, why did you block me? 

We never fought or argued during that time and yet you blocked me. 

I wish to know why.

and I know I'll probably never know. 

Do you remember I tried to reach out to you through someone else and you replied?

Funny enough, I think you made it clear you didn't want to have anything with me and you never stated the reason. 

Heck, you didn't even blame me. 

WHY?

Was everything we had that shallow? 

Every time I read that answer you gave, it pisses me off, and yet I can't delete it. 

You're cruel. 

It's been 2 years since that answer and yet every letter of your text haunts me. 

What's worse is, you didn't say that to me but the person who reached out to you on my behalf. 

You're very cruel. 

Very Very cruel. 

and yet... You mean so much to me. 

People often say it's not the person but the memories you miss. But I know it in my heart that it's not the memories, but the person I miss the most. 

But that person has moved on and I am stuck. 

I don't hate it you know. After all, I learned a lot from you and your actions. I think everything that happened helped me be what I am now. 

So yeah, I guess I'll just thank you for now. 

Thanks for being everything that this dumb Ash needed back then, and sorry for everything that this dumb Ash couldn't be for you. 

But I hope you know even though I was not enough for you, I tried my best for you. Every FUCKING time. 

Thank you, M for everything. I'll always miss you.

Regards,

Ash

                                ** closes the letter**

                                        ENVELOPE

                                     With regards,

                                          To M

                        Address: Memories of 2018-2020