The best part of my day was when I got thrown off that roof. Go figure. Yeah, hi, my name is Cyrus Stout, and this is the story of how my crush, Lacey Summers, ended up turning into a bear, admitting that she liked me too, and beating the crap out of me.

But let's back this up a little bit.

I'm fourteen years old, living in the small city of Baxter Falls, Missouri, and far from enjoying going to a prep school called Baxter Prep.

So, as you can imagine, maulings committed by pretty girl bears named Lacey Cynthia Summers aren't the most common occurrence in Baxter Falls. But that day was kind of full of firsts.

And, hey, Cyrus, you must be wondering, you said you were thrown off a roof. Did your bear girlfriend do that, too?

Well, first off, you guys are rude, and second off, no. Of course I had to have someone else out to get me today, huh?

Yeah. Of course.

Now let's see.

So when did the fiasco that is my life now begin?

And, no, I don't mean my birth.

And I definitely don't mean when I was conceived. Nobody wants to hear about that.

I mean, well, what started this catastrophic day that has led to the rest of my life.

And it all started with two pieces of paper and a bag of Cheeto puffs.