The hardest part about writing an essay was writing an essay.

Ashton sat at his desk, staring blankly at the sheet of paper in front of him. He hadn't written anything in three hours.

He sighed and leaned back. He didn't know what topic to write about. Something intellectual? Something personal? Something relavant, funny, current, important?

He threw his pencil across the room in frustration.

"Cutie Pie Irwin!" His mom called up. "Those pencils were bought with your college savings so don't break them!"

"Can I use the rest of Ashton's college savings to buy some shoes and guns?" Lauren asked.

"Of course you can, favorite daughter of mine."

Ashton rolled his eyes and walked downstairs, where his family was setting the table for dinner.

"Be gentle when sitting on your ass," Mrs. Irwin reminded Ashton as he sat down. "You're a bottom so you need that."

"Excuse me?" Ashton was so flustered he dropped his silverware.

"Don't act like you didn't hear me." She said.

"Sorry, I can't hear you over the jealousy in your voice." Ashton glared and Mrs. Irwin gasped. "Do you want to have a sass off? I will call Louis Tomlinson and you will be sorry you were ever born!"

"No I'm sorry!" Ashton pleaded. "Don't call!"

"That's what I thought." She crossed her arms. Lauren stared up at her in awe. "Do you really have his number?"

"Bitch, I'm on his speed dial." Mrs. Irwin flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Right after Harry and Sex Addict Monthly."

"And suddenly I'm not hungry anymore." Ashton stood up abruptly.

"Don't act like you don't love gay love." Mrs. Irwin said. "That's the most beautiful type of love."

"Ashton just doesn't like to be reminded of gay love because he loves Luke but doesn't want to admit it." Harry said, looking up from his book.

Ashton gaped at him. "Literally when did you get here?"

The doorbell saved Harry from answering.

"I'll get it!" Lauren and Mrs.Irwin shouted and shoved each other out of the way to get to the door first.

Ashton rolled his eyes and stepped over them and answered it himself. "Hello?"

Luke smiled up at him. "Hey."

Ashton gasped and slammed the door shut.

"Cutie Pie Irwin, you answer that fucking door right fucking now or else I will pitch you off the Astronomy Tower!" His mom shouted from where she was sitting on top of her daughter, who was biting her moms arm.

Ashton didn't know where an Astronomy Tower was in the area but he knew she would find one somehow so he grudgingly opened the door.

Luke pouted at him. "That was rude."

"What do you want?" Ashton sighed and leaned against the doorway.

Luke smiled. "Just to see you."

Everybody aww'ed and Ashton facepalmed.

"Can I come in?" Luke asked.

"Only if you take your clothes off." Lauren winked and Mrs. Irwin smacked her. "I was gunna say that!" She whined.

"Do you have to come in?" Ashton asked.

Luke nodded. "It's a life or death situation."

"Luke, how about you stay for dinner?" Mrs. Irwin asked, finally getting off of Lauren.

Luke smiled. "i would love to!"

"No!" Ashton shouted.

"Wonderful!" Lauren smiled deviously at Ashton. "He can sit next to Ashton."

"And sleep with him." Harry coughed under his breath.

"And fuck him senseless into the mattress." Mrs. Irwin mumbled behind her hand.

"I'd gladly do all those things." Luke winked at Ashton.

Ashton pulled Luke inside and slammed the door shut, his face burning. "Maybe, in a million years."

"I can wait." Luke smirked and Ashton raised his hand to slap him but Lauren tackled him.

Mrs. Irwin led Luke to the kitchen while Ashton struggled against Lauren. "Stop it, let me punch him!" Ashton shouted and she simply sat on his chest until he gave up.

"You're such a bottom." She shook her head.

Ashton sighed.

She got off him and helped him stand.

Then they walked into the kitchen, and sat down to the single most awkward family dinner ever to happen in history.