We don't stay for much longer.

Killian asks Myers a few more questions about Torinne, about the map and his past, but Myers answers nothing that the deems unrelated to the task ahead. I keep to myself, studying the map by the table, before Myers announces that we have over stayed our welcome.

He doesn't even look at me as he shoves us from his cabin, the sun low in the sky. I stand motionless at his door as he bolts she door shut in my face, only the rolled up piece of paper in my bag evidence of our visit.

"Come on," Killian says, rolling his shoulders back. "I told Lei to meet us at the fields. Hopefully they have another horse."

I trail after him numbly, feeling dejected. The weight of the task ahead drags my feet, but no more than the lingering feelings of anger burning in my stomach. The feeling confuses me. How is it possible to feel such strong emotions over somebody I never met? Someone I never got to meet. Someone I could have met.

I've been an orphan for over a year now. But walking behind Killian through the outskirts of the Veymaw forest, I feel the loss of both of my parents as strong as the day my father died.

Killian glances over his shoulder towards me, slowing his pace to match mine. He doesn't say anything as we walk side by side, and I don't have the energy to break the silence. Instead, I think of the first time we walked like this, almost in this very spot.

I'd been so skeptical of him then, when he'd come to lunch with my friends and hammered me with questions. His story didn't add up. And yet, beneath the autumn evening glow, he'd been the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. The season has changed, but that still remains the same.

We reach the fields, what little warmth the evening provides seeping from the air with each second. At this time of year, the fields are empty, but still, we stick to the treeline as we wait for the others to arrive, and as Killian said, hopefully with a horse.

I settle on the edge of a fallen log, staring out at the crops. It wasn't long ago when Casimir was amongst them, gleaming with sweat and smelling of wheat. Killian leans against a tree opposite me, fiddling mindlessly with his belt.

I watch him closely, admiring the way his fingers glide over the blade of his sheathed dagger as he adjusts the metal link.

"Killian?" He glances up. "What was your mother like?"

"My mother?" He blinks, slow, thinking hard about the question. "She was... strong. You couldn't sneak anything past her. I suppose that's what made her such a good commander." I keep silent, trying to picture her in my mind. Did she have the same inky hair, mesmirising eyes, and angular features? "But when she wasn't fronting to an entire Kingdom, she was soft, too. My father had my sister and I on strict training regimes. But my mother used to sneak us Strawberry biscuits in the middle of the night from the Queen's chambers after they had meetings. I always told my sister she stole them for us, when really I knew she could take biscuits whenever she wanted."

I can't help the small smile tugging at my lips. The story makes me want to shuffle closer to him, to ask more about his life and his mother and what it is like to have one. To feel the caress of her touch, the warmth of her smile. But I stay seated on the log, adding the story to the small library of things I know about Killian--filled with facts and secrets I have no idea about the truth of.

"You miss her," I say.

"More than anything."

"So your parents are still alive?"

He presses his lips together. "I hope so."

I want to ask more about his family. Lei's words rise to mind, the way her eyes drifted to Killian as she spoke about what Cadence did to Raven. Questions tug at my tongue but I swallow them. I want to understand the truth of his background, but his stories are too confusing. I can't tell what's real and what's a lie anymore.

"Are you thinking about her?" Killian asks, tone softer. "Your mother?"

I nod, pulling my knees to my chest. "Myers could've saved her."

Killian doesn't respond for a few moments. I can feel his gaze, likely dissecting every thought and emotion that is inevitabley written across my face.

"He could've," he agrees eventually.

"And he didn't. He walked away."

"You're right," he says. "Myers walked away."

My eyes burn. "He's a coward."

"What he did... it was an act of true love."

I turn to frown at him. "What? Left her there? To die?"

"I know it's hard to hear when it so deeply affects you. But it's true. Myers put her desires before his own. He wanted nothing more in the world than to have her by his side; I'm sure it killed him to leave her there. But he did because it's what she wanted." He holds my gaze, his expression warm in the chill of the evening. "Love, real love, is the most selfless thing in the entire world."

I can't help but wonder what experience Killian has with real love. But I don't ask. Because when it comes to Killian, I'm never sure if the things he says are the truth or another layer of deceit.

"You truly believe that?"

"I do."

But I don't want to believe it, because if I can't blame Myers for being the reason I never got to have a mother, there's only one other to blame--her.

"That story you told me the night before the Red Moon, about your little sister and the skinks nest," I say. A smile tugs at his lips. "Was that true or false?"

"True." He pauses, meeting my gaze. "Everything I told you about my family, who they were as people, what they were like, all the important things, were true."

"Your identity, your species, who you really are, seems pretty important to me."

"You know me, Freya."

I wish that were true. But how can it be, when the role he was playing during the entire time I knew him was a lie. "I don't know you at all."

He doesn't object; I almost wish he would. Looking to the ground, my eyes burn. I study the uneven ground, the yellow leaf smooshed beneath an overturned pebble, silently praying Casimir turns up soon. Because the longer I sit here in the forest I once called home, the harder it is to shove the negative feelings away. The harder it is top ignore my feelings for Killian, to ignore the overwhelm of Myers story.

But Casimir and Lei don't show up. And Killian's gaze picks me apart, piece by piece, even from the distance at which he sits.

"She wanted to die," I whisper. "She didn't want to meet me."

He pushes off the tree towards me. I keep my eyes trained on the ground as he sits on the other end of the log, close enough that if I reached my hand out I could brush his shoulder.

"It's more complicated than that," he says.

I know he's right, that my mother endured years of torture and suffering in order to protect me; I know that my anger comes from a selfish hole deep inside of me. But the child inside of me doesn't care about any of that. She just wants to feel a mother's warmth.

"Freya." His voice is softer than the breeze. My name, murmured with his real accent sounds like an ancient song. His fingers brush my knee.

I flinch away, flashing my eyes to him. "Don't."

"Sorry." He draws back, eyes searching my face. "You can trust me. You know that, right?"

I hesitate before answering. There was a short time, not so long ago, when I would have answered yes in a heartbeat. But so much has changed. And no matter how much I wish it were different, that bridge of trust we worked so hard to build could not withold the weight of his lies.

"No," I say finally. "Can you blame me?"

"No, I can't. I don't." We stare at one another in mere silence, the distant calls of azu bouncing off the tops of the trees. "I did what I had to," he says eventually. "For my people. My family."

"You didn't have to kiss me," I say, my voice bitter. "I trusted you, Killian. You'd already tricked me into believing everything you'd lied about. Whoever told you to do that was seriously midguided."

"That's not why I kissed you, Freya. You're right. I didn't have to do that, and I shouldn't have. It was a mistake."

His words sting more than he realises. "I'm sorry to have disgusted you."

"You think..." He steps forward, tone incredulous. "You think I was disgusted?"

"You shoved me away. You stared at me like you were going to be sick."

"That's not why I--" He shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut, taking several seconds to compose himself. "Forget it. You're not going to believe a word I say, are you?"

"Why should I, Killian?"

He presses his lips together. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Freya. I really am. If you ever believe anything I say ever again, believe that."

I want to. So badly, I want to believe that he's sorry for what he did. His hair ruffles in the wind. It's longer now; he has to sweep it off his forehead, but still pin-straight, acentuating the angles of his cheekbones. I hate the way my heart picks up, and the urge to brush the stray eyelash from his cheek, but most of all, I hate the way that I don't hate him at all.

"Why did you let me go?" I whisper. "You tricked me and lied to me for months, all that effort and time and energy, only to let me go when it most mattered. Why?"

He presses his lips together. "Freya--"

"The truth, Killian. Tell me the truth."

He exhales, slow and long, before opening his mouth to respond. But before either of us can speak, the rustling of the trees interrupt. We both rise to our feet, turning towards the noise. My stance relaxes when Lei emerges through the trees, guiding two horses, a third at her rear with Casimir and Cadence atop. All of them, including the horses, are puffing. And Cadence looks less than pleased.

"Let me go!" she orders, voice high-pitched and whiny. Casimir grips her tighter around the waist.

"What's going on?" I demand. "Why didn't you take her home?"

"Sorry." Lei flashes a grin at Killian, ignoring my question. "A little trouble at the stables."

Killian raises an eyebrow. "Is this trouble something I should be worried about?"

"Let's just say we better get out of here, whatever the two of you found out is going to have to wait a couple of kilometres," she says with a guilty smile. At her words, shouts carry through the trees behind her towards us. Lei swings herself onto the back of the brown horse. "Now."

I shove to my feet, accepting the hand she offers me. She helps me swing onto the saddle of the horse. By the time I've ajudtsed myself behind her, gripping her waist, Killian has already mounted the other horse.

"Hold on," Lei says, a humorous glint in her voice.

With that, the horse bolts.