i'm sorry

::

I fucking hate a lot of things. 

I fucking hate how much I swear, because that's where this all started: a stupid fucking bet. A bet between my step father and I where we pay each other five dollars every time we say fuck. A fun little bet where my step father didn't realise I would win and start this argument.

I fucking hate this stupid little argument. Except it wasn't so stupid, nor so little. Because it made me realise everything that I fucking hate.

I fucking hate Wattpad. I hate that I compare myself to every single person here and I hate that I know they're all better than me. I hate that it made me realise that I could never do this for real because I've never had an original thought in my entire life. And I hate that I've been here so long that everything is riddled with memories I'd rather forget.

I fucking hate my friends. I hate that I became their friend because I admired the traits they had that I didn't. I hate that they became more like me and traded those traits for the horrible ones I have. I hate that I turned my friends into sluts and bitches because that's what I am.

I fucking hate my boyfriend. I hate that I conditioned him into liking me through food and constant contact. I hate that such a great person is stuck loving and being with a piece of shit like me. I hate that I've done nothing to deserve his commitment and love but I still have it.

I fucking hate how ugly I am. I hate that my entire body looks disproportioned because I'm short and broad. I hate that I have to bleach my hair and cake my face with makeup to look normal. I hate that I want to lose weight but I can't because of these ugly tumours I was born with.

I fucking hate that I was born. There, I said it. Why would I enjoy the life I've lived? Did you guys honestly think when I said "Fuck my life" I was joking? That I did it because it was the societal norm now? I hate that you wouldn't be half wrong.

I fucking hate the way I act. I said it before, I've never had an original though in my entire life, same goes for how I walk, talk and act. I hate that everything I do is a reflection of who and what is around me. I hate that my entire personality is a fucking act, a fucking lie.

I fucking hate the lie about my fear of the dark. I hate that I never slept and this lie came to fruition. I hate that I'm scared of the monster in the dark rather than the dark. I hate that I'm scared of my own mother.

I fucking hate lying. I hate how I had to lie that every bruise and cut and day off was me being clumsy. I hate that I used to think that how my mum treated me was normal. I hate that that was a lie and I knew deep down it was wrong and I was just too scared.

I fucking hate that I'm a deadbeat. I hate that I've graduated but my fear stops me from going to work or university. I hate that I can't make a decision of where to work or what to study. I hate that I took this gap year to decide but I've been wasting it.

I fucking hate my emotions. I hate this fear of my emotions and how they run rampant and ruin everything. I hate that my emotions are fake. I hate how my emotions only come out because that's how I'm expected to feel.

I fucking hate writing this. I hate that it made me realise more things I fucking hate. I hate that I'm still judging and comparing this to other works. I hate that I'm writing this with a blank face and tears running down my face because I feel nothing but: I'm expected to cry, right?

And we're back to the start. Me doing the expected and fucking hating everything.

And fucking swearing. 

And this fucking bet.

So I guess I lost this round.

I fucking hate losing.

And I fucking hate that this bet isn't the only thing I lost.