【warning: i fucking cuss】

As most of you know I live in Australia, and I'm sure you also know that Australia houses a hella amount of dangerous animals; boxing kangaroos, chlamydia carrying koalas, raging bogans and lads, etc.

Well I just found out one of those infamous deadly creatures had been living with me under my bed, and laying eggs for god knows how long!

So here's how this shit went down: I was looking for a missing headband and looked under my bed when I saw, what I thought at the time was, a clump of hair. (Probably should've realised it wasn't because 1. I barely brush my hair anymore because it's short and 2. My hair is blonde, blonde! Why would there be a black clump of hair if my hair is blonde?! I'm so dumb!) So I reached out to grab it and throw it out when this "clump" fucking crawls away! 

My first thought is "SHIT SHIT SHIT" followed soon after by "Okay, it's probably just a Huntsman spider, no biggie." (Once again, Huntsman spiders are brown, not black! Fuck I'm stupid!) Because my Ma has a huge spirituality complex towards Huntsman spiders I just decided to put it in a jar and take it outside, no big deal because they aren't venomous. I grab the jar, go back to my room and as I'm reaching for it again this shit-stick raises it's two front legs.

And this is when I knew I was fucked.

Meet the Sydney Funnel Web spider, known to be one of the most venomous spiders in the world. It's attack pose is, guess fucking what, raising it's two front legs. 

Now, I've had my fair share of spider incidents. I had a Red Back in my shoe when I was a child, had a Huntsman share a shower with me and I even had an Eastern Tarantula staring at me when I woke up one morning (most terrifying animal experience of my life) plus a few minor miscellaneous instances. But I had never, ever, seen a Funnel Web before, however I knew that I should've left the room quick split. 

Did I? No. Did what I do next make shit worse? Hell yeah!

I decided to grab the insect killer spray and spray the shit outta that spider. Fucking SPRITS SPRITS MOTHERFUCKER DROWN IN CHEMICALS YOU EIGHT LEGGED BITCH FUCKING COLLAPSE IN ON YOURSELF YOU HAIRY VENOMOUS CUNT FLAP!

Anywho.

I went so ham on the spray that every inch of area under my bed was soaked, all of it, which apparently is a disturbance because next thing I know there's a hundred tiny spiders crawling under my bed.

That's right, this bitch made an egg sack under my bed, and it had hatched.

So my spraying restarted but now my entire room was the target cause those fuckers were fast, grease lightning fast geez louise. I ended up getting them all (hopefully) but now I'm mopping and mashing everything in my room just to make sure cause fuck that shit!

Here's a good life tip: DON'T COME TO AUSTRALIA!

#nope