Heather

"So, tell me more about the recurring dream." Dr. Perry prompts. I have been seeing her for the month since I've been back from California. The first therapy session blurred into the next one over the past month. And now this is the last session before Christmas comes on Friday.

I take a deep breath, focusing on the strategies she has taught me to calm my anxiety. "They're about the rape."

"Can you explain further what happens in them? How do they start?"

"They start off with Ryder in my bedroom. He's arguing with me about something and the next thing I know, I have been shoved down on the bed. But in the dream, I'm seeing everything from overhead."

"Is it the exact version of your waking memory?"

"Yes. It's like I relive it every night."

"Are there any nights that you haven't had the nightmare?" Dr. Perry crosses her legs and sits back, getting comfortable in her chair.

"Yes, but it's few and far between. Normally it's nights that I have had a lot of exercise. My boyfriend is helping me learn self-defense."

"That's great that he's helping you do that. And continue doing that exercise, because it seems to be working to relieve the stress from the incident. Taking away from today's session, keep exercising, taking deep breaths in stressful situations, and writing in your journal."

"Sounds good," I reply, surprised that the session flew by so quickly.

But as I walk out of the therapist's office, I am intent to get to Kayne's as fast as possible so that he can resume my self-defense training. Especially if it gives me a glimmer of hope that I can move another step further away from Ryder and "the incident" as Dr. Perry calls it by not having the recurring nightmare.

The past month have been a blur of new self-defense moves, therapy, and movie and Netflix show binges with Kayne. Somehow I have gotten my homework done in between all that. But, Kayne is always dependable to cheer me up in any way he can.

Yet, when I get to Kayne's house, he's nowhere to be seen. But, Alice is. She's sitting on the porch with a pot of hot tea. On her tray is a second cup flipped over and waiting for another person. She must have been expecting me to get back before Kayne did.

"Come on up, dearie, and have a cup of tea," Alice's grandmotherly voice soothes. I take the seat beside her and she pours a cup of what smells like Earl Grey tea. "How are you doing today, dear?"

"I'm fine. How are you?" Despite the fact that "fine" in womanspeak doesn't mean "fine," Alice doesn't push further.

"I talked to my college roommate today for over an hour. She has so many grandchildren and she goes down the list and tells me about each one. Takes absolutely forever."

"Oh, well, it's good that you got to talk though."

"She's the one person who has really been through everything with me, and amazingly, we haven't seen each other in 20 years. She had plans to visit me after my husband died, but those plans keep getting delayed. Still, we're thick as thieves."

"That sounds like a great friendship for the ages."

"Yes, it is." Alice looks off into the distance as Kayne pulls into the driveway. "Who is your best friend?"

"Mac. She's in California. I saw her last month when I took my trip."

"What makes her a good friend?"

"She's funny, loyal, and trustworthy. She can read me like a book, so I could never lie to her."

"That really is a good friend right there. You're very blessed." This conversation about Mac really reminds me of how good of a friend she is and how Ali couldn't possibly match up. In fact, it makes me feel as if the loss of Ali as a friend doesn't hold much meaning to me as initially thought.

"Yeah. I can't wait to see her again in two weeks. My dad is taking me back to Cali for a week to see her and see my Mom."

"Great news, dear," Alice says. Then, Kayne strides up the porch steps looking fine in a red plaid sherpa jacket and a pair of denim jeans.

"You ladies are talking about me, aren't you?" he asks with a wink my way. I giggle, but Alice slaps his arm.

"Where are your manners, boy?" She scolds.

"How long have you been out here? You're both going to catch a cold if you don't go in soon. Temperatures are supposed to drop ten degrees in the next hour."

"Yeah, yeah. When you've lived in Idaho for a while, you get used to the bitter winters. And this is nothing compared to the negatives. You West Coast city-slickers have it coming to you." Alice grouches, getting up with her tea tray to head inside.

"You still up for a self-defense lesson?" Kayne asks, reaching for my hand as I stand up. His warm hand envelopes mine and it's pleasant in the 40 degree chill.

"Absolutely. In fact, my therapist told me it was a great idea to stay active. It might keep the nightmares away, which would be a relief."

"That's all I needed to hear. Prepare to work up a sweat."

"Seems impossible in this weather."

"It's supposed to snow tonight." Kayne said with a childlike giddiness. His change in tone is striking and I look at him curiously. "What? It's going to be the first time I see snow. I'm excited."

When he puts it that way, it makes sense. In fact, it will be my first experience with snow too. "Let's make hot chocolate and snuggle up in a blanket, while we watch it come down." I suggest. Kayne nods his head eagerly and jumps up and down. I laugh and then join him in his titillation before we both go inside to change clothes and start our self-defense training.

We spend an hour going over the different scenarios in which I would have to use self-defense and which moves are most effective when. After I've worked up a sweat, Kayne keeps pushing me to go harder and harder. His grips get tighter as the offender and his voice gets more gruff. If he hadn't prepared me well for this, I would be scared of him.

He grabs my arm and I move to hammer my free hand down on his arm, but he's too quick and pulls me into a headlock. I panic, taken aback by his speed. I thrash in his hold, forgetting everything. He tightens his hold and gives me a command, but I don't hear it. Instead, I cry out in pain and burst into tears. Kayne releases me and jumps back.

"What happened? Where does it hurt?"

"I can't do it," I say through tears. At this point, I have slipped into the fetal position on the floor as my body is wracked with sobs.

"Of course you can. It takes time."

"I should have learned this earlier. It could have helped me."

"You can't think about the situation like that. That's not how it happened. But, you can train so that it might prevent further problems." Kayne says, kneeling and then supporting my head and chest on his thighs.

"It's just too hard."

Kayne

"Am I pushing you too hard?" I ask as I realize she means that the weight of having to protect herself and go through another possible situation like that is hard. I've been increasing the difficulty and the force that I use to trigger her muscles to react while in the moment with the right moves. I thought it was going okay, but maybe it's too fast.

I don't know how else to help her, though. This is a productive and procedural way to address the situation. That's how I feel comfortable handling things.

Anyway, I stroke her hair and wait for her crying to cease. When her uneven breaths return to normal, I caress her face and suggest, "Why don't we get that hot chocolate that you promised me now?" She nods in response and we travel to the kitchen.

I stand at the stove, stirring the milk slowly coming to a boil and paying close attention that it doesn't burn or boil over. When I'm satisfied with its temperature, I add dark chocolate chips to the pot and watch the liquid gradually turn brown. The scent of the bitter chocolate fills my nostrils and I inhale deeply. Heather grabs two mugs from the cabinet so I can pour equal portions out. I hand her one mug and cup the other in my hands and move to the window.

We stare out, waiting for the first snowflake to fall. "It'll be any minute now," I say softly. Heather nods her head beside me. Then, the only sounds we make are our breaths and slurps of cocoa. Then, Heather's breath hitches and she points to a lone snowflake stuck to the pane of glass.

"There it is. The first snowflake I've ever seen in person," Heather says, a genuine smile spreading across her face. I rush to the door and throw it open. We rush outside as the flurry picks up. Heather puts down her mug on the doorstep and then twirls in the fresh snowfall. I mirror her movements and spin with my arms wide open, laughing in sync with Heather. If Alice is looking outside the window right now, she's looking at the two happiest fools on the face of the planet.

Soon, Heather and I are on our backs, making snow angel motions even though there isn't enough snow to make the imprint. I yell out in excitement, "Yahoo!" like a child on Christmas. Heather follows my yell with a howl and soon both of us are howling at the snow sticking to our clothes and getting caught in our eyelashes.

We sit up and I immediately lean in for a kiss. I rub my thumb over her tender jawline and press kisses all over her face. I'm full of the joy of the moment that I cannot help myself. "I love you," I whisper against her face for the first time. I feel her melting into me as she returns the words and her hot breath creates a puffy cloud that envelopes my face in warmth.

I pull her into my arms and kiss her again, then withdraw to linger, watching the snowflakes land in her silky hair. She stares right at me and bites her lip, igniting a part of me that wants to carry her to bed at this moment.

"Yoohoo!" I hear Alice's voice call out across the yard. "Do you two want to come inside for snow cream? I just whipped up a batch of custard."

I look at Heather for confirmation and she leaps up and says, "I want the whole experience. When else will we have our first snow day ever?" I stand up and run after her to Alice's house which is as warm as it is comfy and full of love.

Alice tells us how she made the custard while we wait for enough snow to gather in the bowl she set outside. When it's full, she pours the snow into each serving bowl and lets us mix the custard in. Then, she has a whole smorgasbord of ice cream toppings, so I add mini Oreos and chocolate syrup. Heather adds gummy worms, gummy bears, and Huckleberry-flavored gummy grizzlies. Alice eats hers with the most sugar of all, combining what Heather and I added in addition to chocolate candy pieces, crushed Kit Kat and Reese's, and Owyhee Huckleberry Gems, a gross creamy, chocolate-covered candy bar that is an Idahoan specialty.

As I watch Alice and Heather on the couch laughing and enjoying their snow cream, I can't help but think about anything and everything that I would do for Heather. Earlier today, I went to the precinct to call my boss in Pasadena to keep a watchful eye on Ryder who should be back in L.A. now. I told him the drug intel on him but kept Heather's business out of it. The bulk of my report today was on Ryder and known associates in L.A. so we can monitor the situation there.

Heather doesn't know; I made that decision to keep her safe. The more reminders of Ryder that there are in her life and in the investigation, the less progress she will make to heal from the trauma. I'm protecting her. That's what I plan to do today and forevermore.