Chapter Twenty-One

My heart feels heavy with regret. I know it would hurt, but I never anticipated it would cause this much pain. It feels like someone's shoved their hand into the cavity of my chest, and began squeezing my heart into a lump of mush. I know this can't be true since I'd left my heart on the sidewalk. Perhaps it is being trampled by a passersby?

No, Kol had taken my heart with him as he disappeared down the sidewalk and out of my life.

I want to tell Kol to be good with my heart - it hurts too much. However, I couldn't ask him for a thing, especially after the things I'd done to Kol.

We both know he deserves someone better than me. Someone that can give him the relationship he truly deserves. Despite wanting the best for Kol, it doesn't make things any easier. I couldn't be happy with knowing Kol is with someone else, but, that wasn't my choice to make.

Sprawling onto my bed, I cuddle my cold squished pillow and sigh. Once again, my mind wanders back to Kol and his amazingly warm cuddles.

Damn you, Kol.

I need him to come home and cuddle me again. He's the only person who can make me feel better. Annalise has been great, ice-cream was a nice distraction, but they aren't a long-term solution to fixing the pain exploding within me. Kol is the solution . . . but he's nowhere to be seen.

How am I supposed to tell him I regret the things we said? All the words that come to mind don't do it justice. Every apology I can think of sounds terribly soppy and lame. I can't win back Kol if he realises I'm not that great.

"Oh gosh." I groan. "Nobody is ever going to be with me."

I'm going to be alone forever because I'm too allergic to own a pet cat to keep me company. Annalise will move on with her life and forget about little old me. I'm a complete mess. My self-confidences has gone out the window. I'm pathetic.

I stare at my phone and frown. Even if I was to call, what if I made the situation worse? But if I forgot about it all together, it would also make things worse. I couldn't live with myself knowing I didn't try. Shit. Now I'm over thinking everything.

"Come on, Lola, get a grip!" I grumble to myself. "Do you want him back or not?"

Picking up the phone, I unlock the screen and open Kol's contact. As I go to press the grey phone button, I hesitate. Waiting a day is long enough already. If I don't make this call today, I'll be playing my heartbreak playlist filled with Taylor Swift songs. I don't want that to happen.

Please, let's pray I don't get that sad . . . How do you possibly come back from a sad playlist?

Rolling out of bed, I stretch my tired limbs and yawn. I quickly flip my hair into a messy ponytail and grab my phone. I walk out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Hopefully, the change of scenery will help me take the plunge. Laying in bed just enables me to prohibit what will inevitably happen.

"Well, here goes nothing." I take a deep breath and hit the call button. As I press the device against my ear, I listen to the dial tone. My heart rapidly beats within the confines of my rib cage and my stomach knots and entwines itself. I feel like I may vomit.

"Hi, this is Kol's phone," someone answers.

My heart continues to erratically thump away. Why isn't Kol answering his own phone? Has he moved on already?

"Hey, um, I'm looking for Kol. Is he there?" I ask.

"Who is this?"

"Who are you?" I question.

"I'm Kol's sister," she replies. "Why are you calling his phone?"

"Is he there? I need to talk with him," I explain.

"Oh," is their reply.

The girl's hesitation to hand over answers regarding Kol and his availability gets me worried. Did something bad happen to Kol that he suddenly can't answer the phone? A million possible reasons flood to mind - kidnapping, car accident, unforeseen health problems he never told me about.

"Did something happen to Kol?"

"No," they reply. "What's your name? I can leave him a message for you."

"It's Lola, and can you ask him to call me back?" I grab ahold of the bench and wait.

"Kol is moving away to focus on his studies. I would encourage you to stop calling to allow Kol to move on with his life."

"Oh, okay." I frown.

"Goodbye."

I stand in the kitchen with my phone pressed against my ear, listening to nothing. It isn't fair of me to ask Kol to forget his life and be there for me - not when he should be out enjoying and pursuing things he wants to do. It hurts, it sucks, and I wish he was here, but I can't change those things.

Placing the phone on the bench, I wander into the lounge room and flop on the couch. I snuggle into the cushion as I stare at the blank wall.

My phone buzzes. Instead of ignoring the message, I get up and backtrack to the kitchen. I find a message from Annalise checking on me. I post a reply and then switch off the device. I'll talk to her more tomorrow when I've settled down.

I drag my feet along the ground on the way to the lounge room. Avoiding the couch, I take a seat at the piano and open the cover. My fingers run across the keys as I take a deep breath.

"You can do this," I say. "Just let the emotion flow out of your system." Sometimes it helps when you let go of those emotions. It helped with Jason, but would it be the same for Kol?

"Loving you is like saying goodbye," I sing. "We open doors just to close another."

I smack my head on the keys. Ugh, that doesn't sound right at all.

"We close doors because . . . I have no idea." I usually close the door because I want to block out the noise, or because I'm afraid of the dark.

"Damn you, Charlie Puth, taking all the good lyrics."

"I just know that I don't want to miss you, because missing you hurts too much," I say.

I continue to press on the piano keys, but nothing comes to mind. There's no fancy tune, no emotional words, or inspirational chorus to make me feel any better. I just feel the pain swelling inside of my chest. I don't want to feel the pain . . . I don't want to feel anything.

"Fuck this, I don't feel any better." I close the piano lid and wander back to my bedroom.

Flopping onto the bed, I snuggle into the pillow and wrap myself in the blanket. I feel warm, secure, and somewhat tired. I've been feeling really tired as of late. I can't muster the energy to do anything but sleep.

I'll give Kol the space he needs because I owe him that much. However, the space I put between us is only going to hurt me. But for Kol, I'd endure the hurt. It's the only thing I can give back to him. 

Chapter Questions:

How's your week going?

What do you think of Kol's sister? Do you think she had the right to insert herself into the situation?