Crystal Knight
Chapter One: (Mysterious Girl)
EDITED

FEELINGS AND EMOTION. THEY'RE LIKE TEMPERATURES. Attraction is warm, curiosity is warmer, anger is boiling. Hate can torch, but it can also freeze. Love... Well, that's a temperature best left under neutral. Lust; to have a strong sexual desire for someone or some thing. That's what I've read, what I've been told. Stories upon stories I've waded through of women finding their true love through ups and downs in life. I've always wondered what exactly that would feel like. To be able to experience anything at all...

My room. It was my sanctuary. My best friend. My safe haven. It held my thoughts, my books. And that's exactly where I was, lying down on my bed with messy long black wavy hair behind; staring at the ceiling. Counting the different cracks observing time pass. Loud chattering sounds from the outside walls rang in my ears whilst the vibrations of music bounced against the halls onto my closed door. Scents of variations of foods crawled through the vents and swam into my nose.

Hunger arrived at its peak. I exhaled trying to concentrate on my thoughts as I recalled the original love story of Cinderella and her Prince. The thing was, I couldn't concentrate. I could gasp, but I wouldn't feel bored... I could laugh but it would be staged, not real. Fake. Not even the slightest fondle of receiving an annoyance. A sentiment of unreservedly... nothing.

I wanted to know, furthermore, understand what that was like to be able to love someone albeit soulmate or family member.

I was that strange girl in the front of the class who would always raise their hand and ask a million questions before diving her nose deep into her books. I thought of the nights where I'd stay up studying in addition to memorizing every textbook that school had to offer. People knew me but didn't understand me.

"Why do you ask so many questions?" They'd say.

"Do you ever stop studying?"

I never minded if I was the center of attention. In fact, I've never minded anything at all.

I wasn't bothered by anyone. Though most young adults explored their life in clubs and traveled from place-to-place, I remained hidden in the library. Skimming every book, I could find. That's where I'd come out, constantly examining and taking notes of how the body works, how things are connected in nature, how the world began anew. Prevailing in loose thoughts. Always curious. Always in wonder...

* * *

I felt a hot breath on my neck, then the tender brush of lips. Burning as they made contact. A hand ran through my hair, as the kisses became harder and more urgent. Another hand slid around my waist and pulled me close to his pine scented frame. His kisses then went up my body.

As I cautiously laid down on my bed, unaware of what his plans for me were, I moved my red hair away from the right side of my neck and I shut my eyes. I knew what I wanted him to do, I had been longing for his touch for many months, and he was here, ready to fulfil all my sexual desires. My insides craved, needed his touch. As soon as his moist, plump lips imprinted on my body, I lost all rational thought, I was just consumed at the thought of him and I showing our ever-growing love for each other.

I was amazed at how one touch of his lips could hitch my breath. Before he went further, he looked in my eyes; the perfect shade of sky-blue staring deeply in my gray ones. "I love you." He said softly.

"I love you too." I smiled.

I read. Underlying love. Sometimes it could fade. Occasionally it just doesn't. So, there I was, researching the life of how it felt to have lust for another. To have any passion at all... Recalling the day my parents took me to the hospital as a child to get tested, just to understand why their youngest daughter was utterly emotionless . . .

~°~ ~°~

For all the presence I had brought to the room, I might as well have been a store mannequin. The best I could say for myself was that I was compliant, almost robotic. Someone would yell at me, and I'd just keep a straight face. Tried to watch a horror movie and, instead of me screaming in pure fear, it would be my sister crying whilst I'd be still as a statue. Always. Everyone said it was shocking for the first little while, me being this way, but once we were way past using that as an explanation the visits to the doctors began.

Each one didn't have a clue as to what was going on with me. Each week, they would try to give me a new diagnosis, new recommendation for the latest drug on the market to help this mental problem. Nonetheless, my emotionless state remained. That's how we ended up here, to understand my body and my mind. And frankly, it's anyone's guess as to where things were headed right now...

The hospital room was devoid of beauty. Its walls were simply cream, not peeling or dirty, just cream. The room was an undertone of bleach and the floor was simply gray. There were no decorations to be found to save the limp curtain that could separate my bed from the three others in here. It was perhaps the kind of green that would remind people of springtime and hope, but it was so faded that the hue seemed dull.

At the far end were windows in brown metal frames, only openable at the top. Not a single person had flowers, cards or home brought food. They were sleeping to pass the time or staring at nothing at all. There were stands for intravenous drips and monitors. At the door were dispensers for rubber gloves, hand sanitizer and soap.

The doctor had finally opened the curtain to come in. Other doctors and nurses surrounded my hospital bed, attaching IV's, heart monitors and oxygen tanks to me. I manifested to explore the room with my eyes while other people were still crowded around me. An old TV set hung from the ceiling. A window near me gave me a view of the world below just beneath the screen. In the corner were two chairs, frayed with wear and tear. It was a typical hospital room, sparse and functional. I sat myself up as soon as I saw my mother and father walk up to the tall man.

"Well, here's what we got." the Doctor smiled weakly and put the pen and notebook down.

Sighed before speaking further: "We don't know what's wrong with your daughter."

"We've run as many brain scans as we could. Her blood pressure is completely normal, her nerves are fine and there seems to be nothing wrong with her. All I suggest you do is keep giving her sugary foods and keep her on the medication. That's all we can do for you. I'm deeply sorry." He finished off.

"Okay, thank you." my mom said.

He nodded his head and walked off, other doctors following his lead. As soon as they left was the same time my mother looked dead inside. Broken.

My mother. She cried. She sobbed into my father's chest unceasingly, hands clutching at his jacket. He held her in silence, rocking her slowly as her tears soaked his chest. A tiny lapse let her pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before she collapsed again, her howls of misery worsening. The pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, before hurling back into the outstretched arms of her grief.

There I was, feeling absolutely neutral about the situation. If you feel nothing once, you've felt it a thousand times.

Letting go of him, my mom did, dragged him outside in the hall to talk. But it wasn't your average kind of talk. No. They were arguing out of concern for me.

Their voices rose above the sacred silence in the hall. A glance, touch, and one small comment stirred a hurricane of harsh and hoarse insults. Their own Pandora boxes opened, sending each word full speed ahead to shatter their souls into a million pieces. Dad's face went red against his caramel brown skin, just a tone slightly darker than my own. My mom's smooth tan skin went completely crimson.

She wanted to cry as rage filled her aura. She glared at him then spat out

"What are we going to do now?!"

He sighed disappointingly.

"I don't know, Maria... I don't know." He said.

He stared blankly with sad dull eyes. "We just have to keep giving those meds they suggested to give her. That's all they want-"

"Meds?! Babe, they're not working for her! It's bullshit!" She cut him off.

"I need our baby to feel. I need her to have emotions to know that we love her. To know that her sister and baby brother love her so. What am I supposed to do with these lame ass drugs that don't work?!"

Their heated quarrel continued. It was definitely a war of words and who can hurt the other one worse. Both of them yelled at each other like savage hungry dogs fighting over dominance, until they weren't.

It was silent. I then heard their footsteps as they walked back inside the room. Catching my attention as I turned. "Hey, kiddo." She said softly before crouching down to look at me.

"Listen to me, mija." Her hands cuffed my face lightly and she put a few strands of my black hair behind my left ear. Tears rolled down her face.

"Everything is going to be okay. Your momma loves you; you know that right?" She asked. I nodded my head though I knew she was lying.

"Okay good, that's my girl." She pulled me in for a hug.

She wrapped her arms around my small frame and pulled me close, gently rubbing my back. It's said that a hug is warming and passionate yet, I just didn't feel that... loving warmth one should feel. My mother let go of me and picked me up, put me to the floor.

After that, we walked out of the hospital and stayed home for the rest of the evening . . .

~°~ ~°~

I was nine years old when we visited that hospital... Thirteen when I finally realized that I was different than everyone else... My parents were both scared. None of them had ever thought to find another solution, it's not what the entirety of the world has ever witnessed. Hearing stories and articles of different sides of depression, A-D-D and being hyper, was just that to me. Stories. Never occurred to those who had to worry about a person withstanding the ability to open.

It broke them.

Reminiscing the days they cried moreover I persisted being mute. I didn't know how to comfort my mother when my aunt died... I knew she wanted a hug, but as usual, I stayed put.

"Do they hurt?"

I thought to myself.

"Does having emotions hurt? From what I've read, they don't, well at least not physically... What if I wasn't meant to have a lover because of this disability? Would it mean that I'd be stuck like this for life? I don't have the answers to everything..."

"Hey little one." I was interrupted from my thoughts looking up at my sister, Natalie, who stood there smiling against my door frame. Of course, she would barge in, I mean it wasn't like I was going to do anything so, why not?

I closed my book and sat up straight in my bed. Wanted to read more, to see what had yet to come, what their love would turn to. But alas, I don't exactly keep my mind on the material for long.

"What were you reading this time, hm?" Natalie raised an eyebrow. "Anything dealing with how the body works?"

"Yes, actually." I answered.

"Apparently when a man touches a woman on their skin, a woman's body gets warm and excited before expressing their love for one another."

My sister laughed before coming through, snatching the book from my grasp. "Okay, you seriously need a break. Come on down, everybody misses you. It is James' birthday after all."

I grabbed the book back, shoved it away on my side table. "So? He's nineteen, what's the difference?"

"He's an adult now, that's the difference. And this is exactly why I said you need a break. You need life experience, researching all day won't do much right now..."

"You'd be surprised at what research can do." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Were you?" She seemed serious and concerned. I bit my cheek and shook my head 'no'.

"Right..." She sighed off.

As usual, my sister didn't know what to do with me sometimes. Then other times she'd just be speechless. Like my parents, Natalie too wanted to help make sure I knew what emotions felt like. Looking after me night-by-night even to make sure that I was alive... She would do her best. She always would...

I glanced back at Natalie who gave the impression of being disappointed in my response. She saw away, replicating as our mother. With her medium jet-black hair framing her round face, spiraling down her shoulders in ringlets. Her tanned skin full of tattoos was smooth wearing minimal make-up.

The yellow dress she wore reached past her knees, making her appearance simple and comfortable. She and my mom were the only females I'd talk to, despite my disability. Now and again, I would contemplate if it were a struggle for them to have a remotely 'fun' conversation with me. I'd sit alone during lunch hours (when I was in school) because people would think I had a problem or because I was too dull.

Natalie was brave enough to linger around when others snickered.

"Well come on," She told me, grabbed a hold of my hands and dragged me out of bed. "You're coming downstairs, and I already know that you're gonna to deal with it."

Took me out of my room, she pulled me along to the top of the stairs. Natalie turned and glanced up before walking. "And you're going to say, 'happy birthday', got it?"

I nodded and followed. The stairs were laid out in a straight line, like dominos. Each rectangle was likely a deep walnut, but with the thick layer of undisturbed dust it was hard to tell. The inner edge was painted a dull cream, and when I disturbed the dust layer the paint was there underneath; no dirt and no flaking or dents. Let my hand fall on to the black iron rail, rough in its rustic charm and placed my weight on the first step. There was no creak or sign of rot, they were as solid as the day they were made. I walked swiftly to the bottom and into the hallway.

Laughter sounded along the corridor, joined with excited conversations and shouts. Groups of college students everywhere sat ahead in the room laughing and causing all kinds of mayhem, all except one group that sat silently staring at laptop screens with massive headphones which appeared to be permanently strapped to their heads sitting at the counter. A breath of air brushed my ear; I followed the breeze and saw other people come inside. I looked back around and made my way to the living room.

People looked high. Well, according to the definition. The music was so loud that it made my skin, and my lungs feel like mush. The bass thumped in time with my heartbeat as though they were one, filling me from head to toe with music. Over the roar of sound, a distant, hazy chatter could be heard. I couldn't make out any words, but laughter rang in my ears and it wouldn't seem to stop. The song that was playing got louder. I had to see my little brother, jumping in a huddled group like Tic-Tacks being shaken in a box.

The music suddenly stopped the second my brother made eye-contact. "There she is, she's alive!!" He shouted, raising a soda can in the air.

Everyone screamed and did the same thing looking in my direction. Music cutting back on soon after. James swam through the crowd to meet me. Once he did, his arm came about to give me a hug from the side.

"Hey big sis," He said and kissed me on the cheek. "...glad you were able to make it after all!" His face lit up.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Yep. Happy birthday kid." I said plainly as possible.

"Thanks. Well..." He faced the crowd. "..welcome to the party!"

Lead me to the kitchen and there laid a bunch of food I assumed my mom made for the party. Excited, James' smile grew wider.

"We have tacos, spicy chicken taquitos, enchiladas, enjoy what you can!"

He held my hands, deeply looking into my eyes seeming sympathetic and a bit sad. "Listen... I know that you can't, but can you at least try? Please, for me."

I could see it in his eyes that he really wanted me to. Like a puppy, he looked like, big brown eyes begging for mercy. Yet he stood sorrowfully. Bored the expression of a child who had been told his mother was gone, I stood completely still. I forced a smile though it was ingenuine. I nodded.

"Sure." I said.

My brother hugged me again, only this time, he did it with both of his arms. Soda was put down on the island near the food.

"Thank you." Whispered in my ear.

"You're welcome." I whispered back.

We let go in unison. James had his back turned and faced his audience. "Alright, let's turn it up!!"

They screamed once more; bass kicked up a few notches that left the crowd going wild. I took out my phone to check the time. Underneath was a message from my mom:

'Hey kiddo, I'll be home soon with your meds.'

It read.

"Hey James," I hollered. "I'm walking to the store. Need anything?"

"Uh, a few cokes maybe."

I put the phone in my back pocket before getting my black purse off the desk on the other side.

"Okay." I responded.

I left to go get my shoes by the front door. With said door, I opened it and slipped into a cool breeze in the night. I glanced up, stopping myself from bumping into a girl who was standing there in the middle of the sidewalk, a butterfly tattoo inking her neck and hand.

Her pink hair fell in waves over her shoulders, framing her diamond shaped face. The girl was young, asian and strangely pale. She was probably five-feet tall. Dressed in all black with her black hoodie, knee-ripped jeans and black Nikes. Suddenly, her unique glowing lilac eyes flickered to me. Passionless seeming, just as I. The girl's eyes looked me over before stepping back, allowing me to pass.

"Odd."

I thought to myself.

 Steps  of mine continued down the street, hollow mind felt her neon observance watching me. I wasn't anxious, no. It wasn't a sense of consciousness either.

I just knew she was there...

As I made a right turn down to the reserve, I glanced back to where the young maiden stood who was then occupied by two older men; also wore black attire. Both of them had suits with a white handkerchief, red tie and curled hair.

The woman with the soft purple glow looked serious as the blonde guy spoke to her. They talked, her gaze looked up and met mine. I looked away and disappeared from her view, headed off to the store as planned.

For some reason, I wanted to look back at her only to understand why her eyes glow and to understand why she looked back at me...

* * *

The store was cold. Well, at least it seemed that way. A bell rang as I opened the door, notified the employee of my presence. An old-fashioned technique against shoplifters, along with a mirror dome on which I quickly glanced at, seeing my distorted reflection.

There sat a young asian woman (probably in her twenties) reading a vogue magazine. Her black hair came straight over her shoulders, bangs covered her forehead. Red and white baseball cap to top it off. She blew a bubble of her chewing gum before taking a look at me:

"Can I help you with anything?"

"No thank you, just looking around."

The young lady didn't quite like my answer, as she looked me up and down with suspicion before returning to her book.

Walking down the store's aisles, I noticed a thick cover of dust over several products. I wondered how long they must've been there or if anyone bothered to clean the place at all.

The cherry air freshener along with the smell of perfume worn by the lady was nice. The dim lit place had definitely seen better days. I snapped out of my wandering nature and moved quickly towards the fridge to get the sodas.

I grabbed 3 cokes and made my way to the register.

"Are you all done?" Said the cashier, with a passive aggressive smile.

"Yes, I'm all done." I responded.

"That'll be $3.75. Would you like a bag with that?"

I handed her the money out of my purse and nodded my head.

While putting the sodas in the bag one-by-one, she looked at me once more. "You okay? You kind of look dead inside." She asked.

Revealing her full face, she was nearly as tan as I, only she had more of a light undertone.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I get that a lot."

"Well, when a person says, 'they're fine', they usually don't mean it. But I'll trust with what you said and..." She pushed the bag to me.

"..hope you have a good night." She smiled in the end with big round doe eyes.

I took it and tried to smile myself. Still wasn't natural. Of course, it wasn't natural...

"Thank you." I nodded.

I opened the door and went under the fall breeze only to halt in mid-step. Someone was leaning on the wall by the store and looked in deep thought. The moonlight illuminated the young woman, bathed her with its soft glow. Pink waves fell over their slim shoulders, framing their diamond shaped face. Butterfly tattooed hands had slid in her pockets. Another person walked in the store, closed the door behind me until the bell rang, grabbing the girl's attention.

Purple light eyes stared into my very own brown ones.

A pair of luminescent periwinkle senses that belonged to the strange girl I bumped into earlier near the street.

"I guess I keep bumping into you." I said straightforward. "My apologies, I should go."

I walked away, trying to leave but before I could even continue, a soft delicate voice spoke.

"It's okay, you know. People tend to do that a lot around here."

I turned around and kept my neutral expression. I looked around for any available space left on the brick wall; approached the girl who stared mindlessly at the view before her. I leaned beside her, placed the store bag on my lap and carried my purse on the other side.

Staying silent, my look gazed at the moon above. Round, bright white radiance that laid proudly in heaven's corner. Darkness hid behind it and the environment consisted of running cars and people walking by. Flock of birds was heard in the noisy night as a few clouds struggled to meet.

"Why aren't you talking much?" The soft, delicate sounding voice sung in my ears though I completely remained calm, stole a glance at the pink haired mistress next to me.

"What's there to talk about?"

The girl mused, a small smile tugging on her small full lips, "Then, why are you staying? You know, when a person stays by a stranger's side, it usually means they still want to talk to them."

"I don't know, maybe I just want to glance at the moon. Not everything has to turn into a conversation."

Bright auras flickered to me with a twinge of amusement playing in them. "Touché. You live close by?"

"Yeah actually, a couple blocks up north."

"Oh, really?" She asked, arching a slim eyebrow as those eyes were glued to my every whim.

I felt calm. Too calm than usual, being watched under her sight. Something about her seemed mysterious and different as though she belonged to the shadows. Eyes of a predator as if she were trying to force me to stay, as if they were trying to tell me... a different story.

"Yeah. If you know the streets around here well, you'd know that I'm the third house down."

The girl chuckled on this loud night. "Oh, so you know I'm not from around? I see you pick up easily."

I shrugged my shoulders. "What can I say, I know my people. And besides, I've never seen your face out here before."

There was no heat in my voice, as if my heartbeat so steadily, although I took a different view from her. It was my first time having a real conversation with a person who wasn't my sibling or parent. "Why are you outside all alone?"

She smirked, looking back at me from the corner of her eye, "It helps me think, makes me feel calm, kind of like I'm one with nature and they're calling me. It makes me feel... more alive, and real."

So, she likes nature? Well, who wouldn't? She was right. From the blackest sophisticated night to the whitest light of day, there's always a beauty to nature that speaks every language straight to the heart. Or so I've read...

I swung the soda bag back-and-forth against my legs, slightly gazing at the night sky.

"You look bored," her voice pierced through the now calmness of the scene, bringing my gaze to her. "Something happened?"

I shook my head, my dull self to be as stiff as a board against the wall.

"I'm completely fine." I said.

She sighed, "You know, sometimes telling someone what's on your mind is better than hiding it. Before you know it, they could haunt you and destroy you on the inside and out that could negatively affect those around you."

I gazed into her unique, odd colored auras for a second longer. Foresaw the genuine care and concern around them, keeping her mysterious background left untold.

Before I knew it, I let my dispassionate self-speak free: "Honestly, I feel fine. I don't have any nervous thoughts, complicated problems or any problems at all in fact. I just feel... Nothing."

Silence embraced us though I personally stared at the ground, slowly embracing the heartbeat in my chest. Black hair fell over my shoulders, looking back at the months I plastered a fake smile thinking that some kind of emotion would crack; just something, but now understood that it just wasn't meant to be...

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I mean, I don't feel anything... What it's like to be happy, how it feels to be rejected or depressed. I just.. don't feel those things... "

She moved a little closer, "Can you feel this?"

Took one hand out of her pocket, it was gently placed it on my own. I faced it.

"Well, yeah, that's physical."

Her peculiar eyes then stood before me. Used the other hand to caress my face.

"How about this?" She rubbed her thumb across my cheek.

"Again, yes, I can feel that."

"...and this?" Her voice came to a light whisper.

Before I knew it, the girl stood on her tippy-toes, her heart-shaped full pink lips were attached to my own.

I dropped the bag on nature's floor before I could think. I was put on pause. I stayed abate. I didn't know what to do, how to retaliate. I wasn't surprised, yet I wasn't mad either. I felt empty, lost in plain sight as though my body echoed in its hollow shell.

I just didn't know what to do...

It was my first kiss. My first...

Her eyes were closed, and her hands cupped my cheeks ever so delicately as if I were a fragile piece of glass in her grasp. Touch of my lips remained unmoved.

It was in that moment of absolute stillness that the stars tipped the balance to me. The wind died, the leaves ceased to rustle, even the rumble of traffic was absent. In those frozen seconds I could hear the crunch of dried twigs under a person's boot, just enough to give me time to know they were near.

The moonlight that shined above was a diffuse ocean over us, lessening the inky blackness of the night, but not so bright as to dull the stars that speckled and glittered in the heavens above.

She pulled back her head and the cold breeze hit my small lips. Slowly, she put a strand of my hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes. Whispered so soft, so light against it, it almost tickled...

"...nan neoleul joh-ahae...
(i like you)" She said.

I opened my eyes and just like that, she was gone. Disappeared. Gone as if no one was ever here.

My reduced frame was stiff like a two-decade person on the metal park bench. I hadn't understood. If that woman hadn't been here late on this particular day, would things be a little different; I wondered.

Then, after ten long minutes I sat next to the bag on the ground, removed a soda and stargazed above. Cold air became colder. I sat up straight and looked at the moonlight with soothing eyes, my expression giving away all of the emptiness as usual.

I was stiff. I was confused.

The silence of the night made my blood as cold as the autumnal air that crept through nature. Bereft of any wind the leaves hung limp until they fell of their own accord, there was no whispering noise or rustling. It was as if creation conspired to keep me in the dark, not daring to whisper the reassurance that came.

Then hurried footsteps and the squeak sound of a woman's shoe had snuck by my side, gaze glued to the black sky with focused senses as the silhouette of a curvy shadow became a presence that seemed familiar.

I was dumbfounded and calm, my mind tried to contemplate on what had happened not too soon after the moon lurked to the side. . .

in complete utter stillness.

SONGS FOR CHAPTER:

CHEMICALS || JVNA

MALA SANTA || BECKY G