i want to be skinny so skinny that i can slide between the glass and the frame of my window i want to exist on the steam from the shower and moonlight i want to trace my bones with my fingers i want to be so skinny that you swing a hammer in my face and i shatter i want to be empty want the yellow stuffing inside me to spill on the floor i want you to trace my spine all the way down run your fingers across my eyelids whisper soft words until i fall asleep i want it to be dark blue midnight want to drown in starry water i want to be held i want something to hold onto im tired and i want to curl my hands into fists in your shirt and fall asleep with your breath on the back of my neck i want to shiver so hard i fall apart i want to taste the air that whispers through me i want to be so empty i'm dizzy i want to fill up all that empty with stars collect them one by one i want to be your pretty boy again i want you to hold my hands and keep them warm cause they're always cold and always shaking and only you saw the candlelight i held in them i want to stand with my backto the edge of a cliff with my eyes closed it's cloudy and windy and the trees whisper and i let myself fall backwards and i fold like an accordion at the bottom and i finally get to sleep and dying tastes like champagne and maybe i'll find you there or maybe i won't but either way the shadows can't get me down there

but i can't fall backwards can't shatter at the bottom of a cliff i cant take a hundred candy pills or open up my skin and let the water leak out because i'm scared i'm terrified to die even when the shadows scream and the bad hands come and the bruises paint my body like a finger painting and the shaking comes and it won't stop never stops i close my eyes and wish i weren't afraid to die

but i am

and i miss you