i don't know what the point of being alive is and i hate it when people say happiness or love or content because what do those mean and what do they mean to me all i know is i feel sick and my head hurts and i'm so dizzy and all my actions turn to consequences, even the good ones. i don't want to live and i don't want to die i just don't see the point in either but then what left is there for me to do? things used to be worse but i wish they'd never gotten better because now the bad is just replaced with numb and i'm sitting on the shower floor feeling nauseous i used to be so consumed with the bad in my life i used to let my dads abuse control my future used to turn towards counting calories and swallowing pills to give me meaning used to base my worth off how many bones stuck out from my skin how many bruises littered my arms i used to dream of leaving or i used to dream of dying or i used to dream of something but now i've stopped caring i used to feel the hunger let it soak into my bones used to get high off of how empty my stomach was but now i'm starving myself without the starving i eat air for all three meals and i don't even feel hungry i don't even notice, feel like i've eaten but i haven't and i won't and maybe this is what it's like to die or maybe i'm just apathetic but the only way i can feel anything anymore is when i douse my blood with fire that tastes a lot like whiskey and even that comes to an end. my future is so close but somehow i don't want it and god i just want to throw up but there's nothing inside to come out and now i'm just sitting on the shower floor with hot skin and scratch marks down my neck that i can't even feel.