064: Like a girlfriend

Maille had dozed. She woke a bit disoriented but righted herself at once. The room had darkened perceptibly. She was on Shawn's bed, propped against the wall, he'd been propped next to her, kind of turned away from her so he could practice his guitar and she could correct him if needed. Something bad disturbed her. She felt for Shawn. He was there, and she listened, he was breathing. She drew a ragged sigh of relief. It was happening, she thought vaguely, that horrible process of dying. It was happening to Shawn.

Shawn wiggled again, and Maille knew it was that movement that had woken her. "Shawn?" 

"Yeah?"

''You awake? I must have fallen asleep." 

"It's okay." he said softly.

''You all right?" she stretched and turned toward him gripping his bony shoulder.

"Yeah. It's okay that you fell asleep. It's kind of nice. I guarded you while you slept." 

"Guarded me?"

"Well, protected you. It's what guys are supposed to do for the girls they... love."

Maille caught her breath, her heart beating a frantic tattoo. She rested her cheek against his shoulder blade and drew a shy little circle on his t-shirt. Kell's t-shirt. She wore the matching one. How right it was to do that. How inspired Kell was to let them feel that oneness, that sudden identity, wearing the same clothes was a funny way of expressing it, but it worked.

"Do you love me, Shawn?" 

"I think so."

"Like a girlfriend?"

He blew out his breath awkwardly. "I never had a girlfriend, but if l did, I'd want her to be you." 

"I'm kinda old for you, huh?"

He turned his face to look into her mischievous eyes. "A guy's gotta take what he can get. You're the best thing that's come around in this place."

"Not to mention the only thing." she smirked.

"You're not the only thing. There are nurses."

"And they all play guitar and sing with you, and record your songs... if you can call them songs...." she was giggling into his shoulder blade now, laughing and snorting to keep quiet.

He pretended to be affronted. "I can call them songs." he said and snorted himself.

Maille was pleased. His laughter was rare, even though his smiles were becoming less so.

"And these nurses?"

"Well, they like to poke me in the arm." 

"As do I." she poked him and he squirmed.

"Maille...." he was suddenly serious. The stillness of the child care wing was stifling, no beeping, no footsteps. It had to be the middle of the night. "Why did you do it? Be honest."

Maille's eyes immediately filled with tears. It had been four days. She'd known him only four days. But in that time, she'd spent almost every waking moment with him. She'd persevered through the anger, the distrust, and thawed the ice. She'd taught him to play the guitar and he was diligent and responsive. They'd shared almost every conversation to get to know each other, and were down to the more intimate ones. And Maille wasn't sure she could handle it.

Why? Why?

"It's complicated, Shawn."

"Try me." Sometimes he seemed so old, much older than fourteen.

"You take my mind off Myndee." she said. "For starters. I felt like losing Myndee was the worst thing that could happen to me. And ..." she was crying now, and he knew it. "And I felt like I did the first time I went skiing. Like I went to the top of the bunny hill, and I fell and slid all the way down. I wanted to go home and never ski again. But my dad said I should go back to the top. If I didn't, I'd probably really never ski again. You have to try it twice to really know."

"So you came in and found me?"

She shrugged. "Well, I found myself back here." 

"And you chose me? How?"

"I walked in. And ... it was like... a light was shining on you. And I knew you were the one." 

"The one for what?"

"That we'd been friends before. It was what I prayed to know. To be led to one who I may have known before this earth life started, one who I may have promised to help." she was shy again, and her voice had dropped to a bare whisper.

Shawn was still. His breathing was shallow, as it had become the last day or so. She knew he was losing strength, he knew it as well. There was an urgency about them that transcended the physical. Like they had to share every second of themselves with each other in order to solidify their friendship. There wasn't much time.

"I think we did know each other before." he finally said. 

"And we promised to find each other and share..." She sniffed.

''The gospel. You have shared it with me, Maille. And I feel like I know where I'm going and I'm really not afraid ."

Maille shrugged. "It's just a part of me."

"Yeah, and it shines from you. But there's more that you've shared. You've... shared who you are. It's such a great gift. Like suddenly I have somebody who won't forget me, who cares that I'm dying."

Maille was really crying now. His shirt was wet and her heart beat thudded against his back with unbearable clarity. If only she could give it to him, her vitality, her strength. She wrapped both arms around his chest and his hand crept up to hold her there.

"I wish you were my girlfriend." he said.

She couldn't answer, her heart was aching. There was a part of her that accepted and tolerated that he was going to die, and a part of herself she reserved from him, so she wouldn't get so hurt again, but he was cracking that dam right open. He had found her chinks, and was whittling away at them. The stillness, the darkness, the way the room sort of fell away, their closeness, their hearts beating in unison. It was all imprinting itself indelibly on her soul, and Maille knew she couldn't keep that little part of her from feeling it.

"I wish I was strong, and could pick you up and run with you down the beach, and fall in the sand and tickle you and laugh with you." he was painting a picture, giving her his dreams. Maille felt those choking awful tears wrack her throat, squeeze hotly from the corners of her eyes and rain in acid trails down her cheeks.

"That would be fun." she managed. He chuckled.

"Yeah, can you see me? Buff like Arnold Schwarzenegger?" It made him laugh.

"I can see you in a band, on stage, with a spotlight on you, but all you can see is your guitar, and the crowd is swaying, and the lights are circling, and there's lighters all flickering in the sea of faces, all to hear your awesome songs."

Now he was silent. She thought the position must be uncomfortable for him and let her arms go, but Shawn grabbed her before she could pull away. "Thankyou Maille. It means a lot to me to have you here. The nights are so long, and I lay awake and just think. I used to think about nothing, about being nothing. It was frightening. But now I think about working on the other side, about meeting friends there, and playing guitar, and singing, and learning more about the gospel."

''Maille, when you die and come on the other side, I'm going to be there to welcome you, okay?"

"How will I recognize you? You'll be all buff like Arnold."

"My spirit will know yours." And this time when he turned to look into her eyes, they were shining with knowledge and hers were sparkling with tears. She sat up and then when he turned some more she enfolded him in her arms, and they became one, not from the back, but from the front, bosom to bosom, breathing the same air, foreheads resting against foreheads, tears mingling. "Don 't cry for me too much, Maille." he stroked her back carefully, touching that silky hair.

"I can't help it, Shawn. You broke down all my defenses. You're in my heart." 

"That's good." he said, that age old wisdom shining through.

"It makes it harder to let you go."

"Harder for me too, but better, because I never thought I 'd ever hold a girl in my arms. I never thought I 'd get to feel her hair, or listen to her tears, or lay in the darkness and just whisper together. It's like all my dreams are coming true. I feel trust and hope for the first time, like all the mental walls I'd built up, that kept me from loving anybody, are gone."

"Oh Shawn." she sobbed and he held her to him, laying against the wall, the pillows crushed beneath his back, her face against his chest, like in the movies, like in his dreams. She lay like that sobbing for minutes or maybe hours, and when the sun rose they were still together, and the nurses that found them sighed in wonder.

*****