Kian

I have always been an idealist.

It's funny really, when I think about it, to have a notion of the universe where every single object and creature exists for a purpose. Where everything—emotion or action—occurs or happens for a reason. Where I strongly believe that each act of ours, even at the simple stages of an idea, a thought, a mere feeling, means something, that it has consequences, both good and bad.

That is not to say that we're not conscious of our decisions. There is always a choice. But what leads to us making a particular choice may or may not be in our hands. It depends on our past choices, on the present situation, on our deeply suppressed desires, on the conflict between two or more wants that can be equally attractive at times.

Karma is more complicated than it seems.

So naturally, when my phone rang with the call of my hopelessly pragmatic neighbour while I was hunched over my Mac and experiencing crazy emotions, I thought that it was a gentle nudge of all things divine to remind me of my temporarily forgotten conflict.

"Are you awake?" Her voice was hushed, like she was afraid of waking someone up, probably her sister.

"No, I'm sleep talking." A small smile crept on my face as I repeated the words she had said to me months ago, the night when I had realised that this girl was special.

Maybe she remembered too, for she let out a muffled snort. "I should have expected this from your unoriginal self."

Switching off my computer, I leaned back on my chair. "You can't expect a better reply at two thirty in the morning Ash, my brain's half dead."

Our body clocks were totally screwed.

She took some time before responding to that, and I could hear shuffling in the background, followed by the distinct sound of the movement of her apartment's iron front door. "Well, is the other half up for a midnight chat? I'll be on the roof."

"Always." Cutting the call, I made my way out of the house, letting out a breath when I managed to slip pass Kanishk's room with its door ajar. Shutting and locking the front door behind me, I quickly ran up the stairs of three more floors above mine before I came face to face with the unlocked door of the building's terrace.

It was an empty space with a lone water tank fixed in the middle and enclosed by low, waist-length concrete boundaries. Its dusty floor was littered with discarded joints, a clear indication that this place was the haven for weed lovers.

Ashiana was standing at the far right corner, her back facing me as she tied her hair in a messy up do.

"So what's up?" I asked, coming up beside her and lightly placing my hands on the boundary. It was a typical June night, still air, starless sky and high temperature.

Two strands escaped her knot, framing her oval face as she regarded me. "I can't sleep."

"I've heard warm milk helps."

"Yeah...it won't today." She faced me fully. "What are you going to do Kian?"

"I need more context to answer that babe."

"I meant like...career-wise. What's your plan?"

An unexpected ball of wool got stuck in my throat when she said that. "Is this what you wanted to 'chat' about?" I asked, in a desperate attempt to distract her.

"Yes, because I'm sure you're hiding something."

I sighed, knowing that there was no escaping when she was in one of her infamous interrogation moods. Besides, I knew this conversation was inevitable, but this happening today of all days made me overplay its significance. "I...well I just got confirmation today."

"About?" she prompted impatiently.

Giving in, I decided to spill the beans. "About my college. I had taken the KVPY exam in May, and yesterday I learned that I've cleared it, earned a monthly stipend of five thousand Rupees."

Her face split into a wide grin and she launched herself forward, hugging me to death. I staggered back but managed to regain my footing, chuckling at her obvious excitement. "Oh my God! Congratulations! That is...wow!"

"That is not the best part though," I breathed, forcing myself to ignore the furious pumping of my pulse when her soft lips accidently brushed my neck. "I received an e-mail from IISC. Gonna pursue my bachelors in astrophysics because engineering is just too mainstream."

She pulled back slightly to look at me. "The one in Bengaluru?"

"How many IISCs do you think exist?" I muttered sarcastically.

Ashiana moved back completely. "Alright fine, I just wanted to confirm. Why were you hiding this then?"

Shrugging, I turned away from her questioning gaze and absently looked towards the thousands of tiny specks of light dotting the city below. "I was confused, but now I know that giving this up would make me the biggest idiot in the world." I didn't tell her that I was afraid of leaving my brother behind, that I was worried of my parents' reaction, who had zero clue that I had even applied for KVPY in the first place.

I didn't tell her that I was too scared of losing her, primarily because it made no sense.

"Do you want me to say 'duh'?"

"No thanks I'm good." I smiled, catching her mirroring my expression. "What about you though? You haven't told me your result."

I couldn't have imagined that it was possible, but her face brightened even more at my words. "I've been called for counselling next week, my rank's eighty two can you believe it?"

"That's amazing!" I meant it, truly happy for this girl who'd been there for me, who'd been my best friend after my brother, who'd been, would always be, special. In these two short years since I'd known her, I had seen her work so hard to achieve what she had now. I scooped her up in a hug again. "So now we both have got what we wanted."

"Not really," she said quietly. "I think we've got what we wanted the most. I still want other things which I can't have."

Her statement was heavily loaded. And I instantly understood what she meant, or rather, what I hoped she meant.

In a conflict between two wants, the need wins.

It was a pity that at this point, I felt as if I needed both my wants.

God! I have officially stopped making any sense!

{[]}

"Karan just called, he won't be able to make it, some family function."

Ashiana and I were standing next to a long line outside the local PVR hall, calling up all our friends only to learn that they would be ditching us last minute.

Let's see; Vivaan was called in for an interview by one of the colleges he had applied for, Radhika had to attend an aunt's birthday party, Aryan had a date with his girlfriend who had pulled a classic we-need-to-talk emergency on him and lastly, Karan had to rush to a family event.

Something was up.

"Looks like it's just the two of us then," Ash remarked, a fishy grin dancing on her lips. She joined the queue before I could reply.

Fifteen minutes later, we entered the complex, each clutching a ticket of the latest brainless action-flick. The movie was supposed to start in ten minutes and I offered to buy popcorn while Ash went inside.

"No!" she almost yelled. "I'm very specific about my popcorn and they always get it wrong unless I'm there to supervise, more butter than salt tastes disgusting y'know?"

No, what was she talking about?

"I'll get it you don't have to—"

"I insist! Now shoo! Go save us good seats!"

"But why would I need to do that when we have tickets..." My words trailed off as she disappeared in the crowd.

Confused by her strange behaviour, I tried to follow her, only to be pushed inside the theatre by the crowd of excited movie-goers. Before I knew it, I was showing my pass to the ticket taker, realising that Ashiana still had hers.

Figuring that I had no other option, I walked towards our seats and sat down on the second seat from the aisle, leaving the one beside me empty for Ash.

But when she didn't come back even when the lights went out and the pre-movie commercials started playing on the screen, I started growing worried. Whipping out my phone to call her, I stopped short when I saw a text from her.

"Not really feeling well, guess I'll go home. Sorry! xx"

Did she just ditch me too?

I was in the middle of furiously typing a message when someone cleared their throat above me. "Corner seats huh? Please don't tell me I've sabotaged a steamy date of my younger brother. That would be so wrong."

Gasping, I snapped my head up at his voice. "Kanishk?"

He dropped into the seat that was supposed to be Ashiana's at the same time the movie began. The hall felt silent as aggressive sounds of exaggerated punches surrounded us. My surprisingly sober brother didn't say anything for a while, blankly staring at the ridiculous fighting sequence featuring an aging, fifty-trying-to-be-thirty actor, before lowly muttering, "your little girlfriend invited me. Where is she anyway? And your other friends?"

Releasing a loud groan, I fell back on my chair, earning a scowl from the girl in front of me, one that I happily ignored until she looked forward again.

So this is why Ash felt ill. That little...

Deciding to leave her text at blue ticks—yes I knew how to be petty—I erased the half typed message and closed my eyes, trying to assess the situation.

"You know I can just leave if you're uncomfortable. I'm only here because your girlfriend said that you—"

"She is not my girlfriend," I said peevishly, opening my eyes and regarding him with a neutral look. There was a part of me that was truly happy to see him sober and heck, to see him out of the house. It had been nearly nine months since I'd seen him step out of his room willingly.

But a bigger part of me was trying to control the sudden explosion of a volcano, which had been dormant since the age of nine perhaps. Red-hot, indignant fury coursed through my veins as I tried to keep that damn lava in check.

"Really?" he said rhetorically, oblivious of my turmoil. "Wow, then you should ask her out, she's got some major hots for you little bro."

"Been there done that. Not that you'd know anything about it." Sucking in a breath I stopped stalling the inevitable. "Why are you here?"

"I told you your little friend—"

"No I meant why did you agree? You could've easily avoided her; running away is your fucking talent."

He pursed his lips, guilt flashing briefly on his face. "I don't think this is the right place to have that conversation."

"Yeah, you know what? You're right." To the extreme annoyance of the elderly couple behind us, I stood up abruptly. "Let's go."

He followed me meekly as I walked out, as if he was the younger sibling. But I was too furious to care. Two years. Two fucking years of no word from him, despite my constant, desperate attempts and now he came prancing about, acting like everything was normal.

It wasn't normal. I thought I was over this but no.

"Kian listen, I'm sorry," he stated, stopping once we were outside.

"Sorry for what exactly?" my voice was low, controlled, seething. "For disappearing without a backward glance for a year? No calls, no e-mails not a damn letter tied to a pigeon, nothing! And then coming crashing back again without offering any explanation? For slowly destroying your bloody liver? Or for not remembering your fucking family?"

I was in middle school the last time I had cursed so much and God I'd forgotten how therapeutic the habit was.

"I did text you at first, but then—"

"No you didn't. I messaged you every day, only to get infrequent, irregular replies. But stupid me thought that you were simply busy with college." A hollow laugh escaped me, everything I had suppressed for so long was returning with a vengeance. "You visited once and then left without telling anyone anything, changed your goddamn number. Why?" One question, it should've made him spill, should've made him start talking.

And just like when I had asked him this very thing thousands of times before, he remained mum.

"You're better off not knowing—"

"Go to hell!" I snarled. My hand was itching with the need to punch him but I was just so drained all of a sudden. Leaving him standing there like a bloody mannequin, I turned and left.

He didn't follow me.

Striding past the peak time shoppers, I was thinking of a hundred and one reasons why I didn't need him in my life. Of why his silence and distrust meant nothing to me.

And each reason convinced me less than the one before.

I finally stopped on the footpath outside the mall, fumbling with my phone while trying to call an OLA. The screen appeared hazy, like a water colour painting.

Blink. Shut. Press. Inhale.

The moisture disappeared from my eyes after sometime and I opened them to find Kanishk's car in front of me.

"Get in."

"No."

"Don't be stupid. Think of the fucking planet."

Swallowing my pride, I opened the door and slid inside. He started driving without a word, knuckles white from clenching the wheel so hard. Throughout the twenty minute ride, I determinately stared out of the window.

When we finally stopped at the familiar parking of our tower, I couldn't get out of the claustrophobic space fast enough. Not waiting for my brother to follow, I started making my way towards the lift before he heaved a sigh and mumbled, "I'm adopted."

I stopped short, not sure if I had heard him right. Whirling around to face him, my eyes landed on his shaking form. "What?!"

His deep brown, almost black eyes met mine. "I found out I was adopted the November before last, in 2016, when I stumbled across an unpacked box of paperwork."

I moved closer to him, ears ringing with disbelief. "I can't...are you sure?"

He was fidgeting, a sheen of moisture appearing on his forehead. "I wish I wasn't, but my adoption certificate seemed pretty legit."

"But...how? I don't understand..."

"You remember my first and only visit home from college? When mom and papa bought me this welcome-home cum apology-for-rarely-acknowledging-your-presence car?" he cut me off, tapping the hood of his Honda we both were leaning against.

"Vividly." I also remembered how my biggest concern at that time was the illegally earned funds my parents had used to buy that car, not knowing then that a week later, my only real family would go MIA for eleven months.

"Well, imagine my surprise when papa asked me to get my unused driver's licence from one of the few remaining unopened boxes since our move, filled with all kinds of documents, only to stumble upon a copy of my birth certificate, attached with an adoption certificate."

"Where was I?"

"School I'm guessing, or coaching." He shrugged, "I sort of blew up at them when I found out, yelling all kinds of things. And they...they said that it doesn't matter they didn't tell me anything, that they were my parents, that they loved me."

"They do. Despite how they act, they do love you, both of us."

"If you say so," Kanishk tiredly ran a hand through his head, messing his hair. "I really hurt them that day, especially ma. I told them that they hadn't bothered loving any of their kid since Kyra died."

I stiffened, the ball in my throat growing uncomfortably bigger. It had been years since I'd heard her name out loud. It was an unspoken rule to not mention it around the house. I could practically see the misery on my parents' faces when Kanishk would've said that to them. "How did they react?"

His breathing quickened. "I don't know, didn't stay around to witness the damage. I just left after saying that, after abusing them in the worst way possible. That's probably why they're still avoiding me."

"And where did you go after that?"

"Back to college. But my grades went down drastically, understandable considering I spent all my time looking for my parents. Biological," he said the last word on a harsh exhale. "It took me a month but I was eventually able to bribe the orphanage where I was dumped for a few months before ma and papa came along.

"To cut the long story short, I spent the next six months locating my father, since my mother had apparently died at childbirth. And when I met him he...he was," Kanishk was breathing alarmingly heavily now, and shaking more violently than ever.

"Are you okay?" I asked him, growing worried when he wouldn't reply, hunching over and gasping for air instead.

Holy shit he was hyperventilating, and in a basement no less.

"We need to get out of here," I said firmly, regaining control of my thoughts and grabbing one of his arms as I pushed him upright, before trying to lead him towards the lift. "Just inhale, exhale, inhale, slowly, deep breaths."

He wouldn't move, wouldn't listen. After ten painfully long minutes of futile struggling, I managed to heave him up. He seemed almost paralyzed.

"You can...let go now," he wheezed, still trembling slightly.

"I don't think so," I replied, tightly clutching his left arm and half-supporting, half-dragging him towards the elevator.

Somehow, we managed to reach home without any more trouble, fumbling with the keys for a second; I found the right one and pushed the door open.

Kanishk fell on the couch immediately, and I dashed to the kitchen to get him a glass of water.

"Thanks." He took it from me, sipping on it gratefully as I sat down next to him. His breathing had gone back to normal and colour was slowly filling his previously ashen face.

"I'm sorry I just...I can't recall most of it, but I remember it was horrible. There was so much blood...and that is why I...I did what I could to block out those damned images from my brain!" When the hint of a quiver started creeping back into his voice, I interrupted him.

"Okay, stop talking now." My tone was gentle as a feeling of my gut being squeezed constricted my throat again, more so at hearing the motive behind his induced dependence on alcohol. I had never seen him so weak.

So vulnerable.

"I can't I need to tell you—"

"No," I cut in again. "What you need to do is go to sleep right now and tomorrow we're visiting a therapist."

"Kian I—"

"Shut up! I swear to God if you don't listen to me I'll break your fucking nose you hear me? Go to bed!" There was a crack in my voice and perhaps Kanishk heard that too for he smiled slightly and gave jerky nod, before making his way to his room.

He was halfway down the hall when I called out his name.

"Yes?"

"If you thought you being adopted would make any difference to me, then you were wrong. You'll always be my brother, blood or no blood."

His blank features softened as he swallowed loudly. "I know. I love you."

"Same."

{[]}

Three hours of fruitlessly trying to process everything I had learned today, which was a lot, I fell on my unmade bed with a slump, lying on my stomach.

It was still hard to digest that my older brother was adopted. Till today I had always given my parents a benefit of doubt but now I didn't know what to feel anymore. To hide such an important thing from him, I wouldn't have cared if they hadn't told me, but Kanishk deserved to know, at least when he had grown up. It was his right.

There was also the question of why. What made them take this decision? Did they think they were sterile? Or was it a kind gesture upon coming across a homeless, orphaned child? The fact that I barely knew my parents to come up with a plausible reason frustrated me to no end.

But that wasn't what had made me feel my insides being shrivelled up, as if they were crushed tightly in a fist. No, what was truly agitating was the way Kanishk had reacted. The sight of his continuous, frenzied spasms when he had started talking about his biological father was what chilled my bones. Now that I was in this dark room, all traces of adrenaline out of my bloodstream; dread settled in, accompanied by a ton of worry.

I wasn't an expert, but I knew what PTSD was.

He had mentioned blood, lots of it, and that was what scared me most. Anything that involved blood was bound to be dangerous. What kind of a man was his father? And what had Kanishk seen to make him so...troubled?

I didn't know when my sleep came to me, but my buzzing head welcomed it with relief, so much so that the sound of my phone ringing at two in the morning didn't even stir me.

{[]}

The next morning we had proper breakfast together for the first time in months. It was reassuring to see Kanishk's fresh face; at least he had slept alright. The dark semi-circles beneath his eyes seemed much lighter than yesterday.

"I've called in to make an appointment this afternoon." I informed my brother as he buttered his toast.

"What for?"

I squinted at him, not sure whether he was being dense on purpose. "Therapy."

"You and that girl need relationship advice? Already?"

On purpose it was. "No, you need a shrink. And don't even think of fighting me on this. I'm leaving in two weeks and I can't do that if you're here without help."

His mouth set in a hard line as he lowered his mug of chai on the table. "Alright."

"Good."

Despite what happened yesterday, I sensed it would take a while before things would be back to the way they were between us. But we'd certainly made a lot of progress in the last twenty four hours. Though the air was a bit lonely due to absence of our parents, who—from my mother's earlier text (one that I had left unanswered)—were still in Punjab thanks to work, the amicable silence over a morning meal was far better than the muted sound of television as my only company, as had been my routine over the past several weeks.

Finishing up quickly, Kanishk left to catch up for missed gym sessions and I plopped on the sofa, legs dangling over one armrest as I checked my phone.

There were two missed calls and three texts from Ash. There was a part of me that was still angry with her but a larger voice of reason also told me that her intrusiveness had helped me in more ways than one. Besides, today was her counselling with the country's finest colleges and I couldn't let my baseless pride sour her day. So I quickly typed a response.

"Don't worry, everything's fine. No you didn't 'ruin' everything, quite the opposite in fact. All the best for today!"

Seconds later, my phone binged with her reply.

"Glad to hear that! Really, reeeealllly glad. I was literally dying from worry last night xD. And thanks!"

My lips twitched at her text as I typed a simple "bye" before locking my phone and rolling my head back, eyes shutting close.

One of the cons of having excessive free time was the boredom that came with it. I had just woken up had nothing better to do than to lie on my couch and think of what to do. But that didn't last long, for the nasty workaholic part of me was urging me to be productive.

Hence I decided to take a walk.

Locking the front door behind me, I took the stairs. It was only when I had reached the lobby that I realised that perhaps it wasn't ideal to go for a quiet stroll at eleven in a June morning. But braving the heat was preferable than going back to the empty flat.

Halfway down the block, I ran into a very distraught looking Aryan, so much so that he went right past me, ignoring my wave and looking at his feet as he walked.

Well that's not embarrassing at all.

"Oi Aryan!" I called out, running back to catch up to him.

He looked up, eyes widening with surprise. "Kian hey! What're you doing here?"

"I...live here?" I said slowly. "What're you doing here?"

He sighed. "I was going home, was just at Alia's."

His voice was strained, and looking at his overall sleep-deprived state, I figured that this wasn't the time to pry. So I tried the other route, in an attempt to kill my boredom as well. "Wanna come over then? Play Fifa or something?"

Abandoning his intent survey of the cemented pavement, he looked up and shook his head. "No I'd rather play a real sport. If you have a ball that is; anything but cricket."

"Yeah I'll get my basketball." Turning on my heel, I quickly jogged back to my building while Aryan went the opposite way to secure the court.

Ten minutes later, we were the only ones inside the basketball court as nobody in their right minds would step out of their house at noon. Since it was obviously too hot to play an actual game, we simply practised three pointer shots and even that was enough to drench me in sweat. Not that I minded, the simple, mindless dribbling and swinging motions were salubrious.

"Good one!" Aryan called, when I managed to get a floater right and the ball arched gracefully into the hoop. His spirits were definitely lifted. "Now watch this."

He turned around and threw the ball over his head, which went straight into the hoop without even touching the ring. "Impressive," I remarked.

We played for another two hours until it was time for Kanishk's therapy. And before returning home, Aryan came over for a much needed glass of water.

"Are you feeling fine now?" I asked, once he slammed the empty glass on the kitchen slab after gulping its contents.

Groaning, he said, "When did you turn into such a girl?"

"You can't play cricket and I'm the girl huh?"

He rolled his eyes, ignoring my taunt. "Yes mother I'm fine."

"What happened though?" I persisted, giving into the curiosity. "You looked pretty down in the morning."

"Nothing man, just shitty girl drama." With that cryptic comment, he hurried out of the house, yelling a loud "see you later" behind his back.

{[]}

Kanishk's first session was disappointing to say the least. I wasn't allowed inside so I had to wait in the lobby while his therapist probably asked him uncomfortable introductory questions. I couldn't be too sure about that, since he didn't say a single word when I drove us back home.

Dinner was gulfed down over a marathon of Breaking Bad and my brother retired early. And though I had many questions, I let him be for a while. He had made major progress today so it must be natural to feel closed off. He needed space to gather his thoughts.

Gee Aryan was right; I am turning into a girl.

Right now I was in bed, tossing and turning for the past hour but unable to doze off. Eventually, I gave up and switched on my laptop.

I was in the middle of watching a documentary on white holes for the gazillionth time when my phone rang.

"Are you sleeping?" her voice was clear but low.

A gradual smile appeared on my face. "I'm sensing a pattern y'know?"

Ash let out an adorable sound that was somewhere in between a snort and a giggle. "I was afraid you'd notice, even when I sorta tried hard to be discreet."

"So what's up now? Can't sleep?" Balancing my phone between my shoulder and my head, I shut down my computer and crouched on my knees to extract my slippers from under the bed. "Where are you though?"

"The thirteenth floor, can you come on the—"

"On my way." Hanging up, I quietly slipped out of the house, careful not to wake up Kanishk. It took me hardly two minutes to rush through the stairs onto the roof. It was strange that neither of us used the elevator, but then again, it was strange that we hung out on the terrace at night too so...

The weather was windy tonight, yet another anomaly since the entire day had been unbearably hot, but I wasn't complaining. Ashiana was facing me this time, a tiny smile lighting up her features when her eyes landed on me. Like a love-sick moron, I imitated her expression.

"How was counselling?"

"How is Kanishk?"

We both asked simultaneously. I chuckled before saying, "he's alright. We talked and well...I'll tell you everything—believe me there's a lot—after he's done with therapy. He started that today."

For her part, if Ashiana was curious she didn't make it obvious, nodding solemnly instead. "I understand." She laced her long fingers with mine, making my breath hitch slightly at the contact.

"Thanks," I mumbled. I wanted to tell her, but there was just so much to tell, even I hadn't been able to digest the entire information. Besides, certain secrets were not mine to share, at least for now. "You didn't say anything about your counselling though."

She released a shaky breath, a nervous smile dancing on her lips. I didn't know why, but I dreaded her answer, feeling a strange source of foreboding.

It was, after all, impossible to have every wish come true, even when we seemed to need them. Especially if we seemed to need them. Sacrifice was required to achieve anything, big or insignificant.

"I have...I think I've made the final decision, just need to talk to papa first, he's out of town. But from my side, I'll be going to BHU."

"Benaras Hindu University? That's cool congrats again! It's in—"

"Varanasi, yes. Kind of obvious, given its name." She bit the inside of her cheek. "I'll be leaving in two weeks."

Two weeks. Two more weeks of these nightly conversations and then we'll be three states away. It should've been easy, heck, I should've been happy. We were both finally getting what we'd worked our butts raw for. And yet there was a heavy weight in my stomach.

So I changed tack. "Nice! I can't wait for college to start, honestly. It would be better than sitting idle at home I guess; a brand new adventure right?"

"I guess..." she absently mumbled, lost in her own thoughts. "You never gave me a proper answer y'know?"

My brows knitted with confusion, "what was your question?"

"The one where, well..." She cleared her throat, looking away, and hints of pink appearing on the sharp apples of her cheek. "When I asked you whether you'd like to date me, remember? The night before we left for Surat? You said you needed time, or rather, I insisted that you needed time and the next say...well, you didn't give me a verbal reply we just—"

"Kissed," I finished for her. My palms were growing clammy, which was annoying since that had never happened before. For goodness' sake, thanks to her, I had grown a pro at flirting and...other things. So why was this so awkward now? Maybe because back then we were away from home and the reality it offered as a constant. Maybe the trip had made it easier to forget the rebellious nature of following our instincts, and being back had put things into perspective.

When I didn't say anything she continued to ramble. "Yeah so...I mean, I'm not asking you again. I was just wondering, if...if it was possible for us to date, get into one of those courtship co-dependencies people indulge in all the time then, well, would you be up for it? I mean obviously it can't happen now, regardless of how much we like each other. Okay I just made an assumption that you like me but, just to be clear, it can't happen, I know that. Long distance never works, and we've never been together anyway, not officially at least, since I don't know how to label whatever happened in Gujara—"

I silenced her with the only way my mind could think of at that moment. Tightening my grip on her fingers, my free hand tilted her chin up as I dipped down to cover her mouth with mine.

Ashiana relaxed immediately, loosening her grip on my hand to fist my t-shirt, her other one running through my hair. Her skin was soft beneath my finger tips where I cradled her jaw and pulled her closer, resting another palm in the middle of her shoulder blades, with wisps of her hair held in a tight pony tail tickling my fingers as she inclined her head further.

There was an air of desperate longing behind every movement, every small intake of breaths in between. Kissing her had never felt so conflicting. It was liberating yet at the same time, suffocating and restrictive.

It was final.

I didn't want it to be final. I didn't want to say goodbye. I couldn't even remember why it was necessary to say goodbye. So what if we were going to be in the opposite sides of the country? We could still be...

Be what? Friends? Facebook friends? A freakin couple?

When she pulled away, resting her forehead against mine and panting heavily, I made a split second decision. "It was a yes."

"Huh?"

I clarified, "yes, yes I would've dated you if was possible. And you know what? It is possible."

She moved back completely and leaned against the railing, rich brown eyes blazing with both hope and apprehension. I took that as my cue to continue. "I won't lie to you, my career and college would remain a priority for the next few years and I'm sure it'll be the same for you. But we can have both. Do you...would you like that?"

"I would love that," she said earnestly. "But if it doesn't work it would ruin everything. I care about you too much to have you cut off entirely from my life Kian."

My heart skipped a beat at her candid admission. "That might happen either way. How would we not being together make any difference? It is way too common for school friends fall out of touch. But I don't want to let go of you, not without a fight."

"But long distance never works..." she said weakly though I could see her resolve slowly crumbling.

I sighed loudly. "What makes you think that? Do you have the statistics on the failure of long distance?" I carefully articulated my next words, well aware of her aversion to the r-word. "Ash, I've been downright enamoured by you since the past two years. It may not be love, but it's fucking close. And it made sense why we never dated whilst in school but what's stopping us now? Judging from that kiss earlier—which was totally awesome by the way—you feel the same way. And we're not living in the Dark Ages, on the contrary, we're living in the era of Skype and phone calls and texting and heck, I'll write you e-mails every day, or letters, whatever you prefer. So please say that you want a courtship co-dependency with me, I don't think my ego would be able to survive another rejection."

Her eyes glistened as she choked out, "e-mails would be fine, save your letters for special occasions."

Hope flared in my chest and I took a step forward, our noses practically touching. "Is that a yes?"

Her arms came around and locked behind my waist as she pressed us closer, gulping before saying, "promise me I won't lose you, whatever happens."

"I promise. We'll be friends forever, no matter what." My own voice was heavy with emotion.

"Promise me you'll never use the r-word to describe our courtship co-dependency," she whispered against my throat.

I grinned. "Promise."

"Okay, we're doing this I guess."

She laughed breathily when I practically lunged forward, raining small pecks all over her face before finally capturing her lips, kissing her long and hard and smooth.

"You'll be my first serious, honest to God boyfriend," she chirped a while later, her forehead resting against the column of my throat.

"And you'll be my first ever girlfriend," I said in return.

I knew it won't be easy, there was still a lot life had to offer to us and we hadn't even left our protective bubbles yet. But this moment, when I had the most special girl locked in a warm embrace with me, I realised that though it was pretty far-fetched to hope for every dream to come true, it certainly wasn't impossible.

I was an idealist after all.

THE END

Nope, I'm not crying. Not at all.

*bursts into tears*

Alright well, I'm not crying much. But I can't believe I completed this. Of course, there is an epilogue coming but it is not technically part of the main narrative (not that epilogues ever are) it'll mostly set things up for the semi-sequel sorta thingy I've in mind as well many, many spin offs, each one a book about other characters featuring in this book (including Kanishk, he gets a short story if y'all are interested) barring Vivaan and Rads. I'm really excited about writing Karan's story.

Speaking of writing, doing a male character POV was harder than I thought it would be, hope I did an okay job with that, Kian's a sweetheart (if it wasn't already obvious).

Anyway, if you liked this chapter, this book or if you just like me in general, then please:

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Be happy and in peace forever and ever!!

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PS: this was also the longest chapter, over 6000 words. Maybe my withdrawal was so strong that I couldn't stop writing it once I started but oh well xD