The Hidden by @IshRach

You had a very common and recurring mistake of "where" instead of "were". I marked up most, if not all, of these for you.

When Hayley addresses the reader, I found it a bit strange. I know you're trying to engage the reader as much as possible but there are plenty of other, more interesting ways of doing it.

The email from Livia at the beginning contained many mistakes that I didn't correct. I did this because I wasn't sure if you wanted to keep these in to make it look like text speak. But then she did mention that she was a straight A student so I guess she would be more careful when typing her emails. I don't know - your choice.

You had many comma splits that could have been corrected with semicolons.

The use of bold and italics where they weren't meant to be used came across as a little strange. It made the writing clunky.

Apostrophes of possession were missing a lot. Add these in.

Hayley seems to stutter a lot. This is fine, but consider making her repeat her words more than emphasising the letters. This will make it sound more realistic.

Common spelling mistakes were made such as "aswell" which should be separated into two words.

Numbers spelled out look more formal.

Ellipsies work better with 3 dots.

Tense jumps were a big problem. Stick to the present tense throughout the whole of your story.

Commas, again, were all over the place.

I feel like the description of her jumping into the pool and almost drowning could have been handled a lot better. You have a big opportunity here to make it really dramatic and exploit the feelings of the reader, so I think you should take that in your stride. More vivid description will enhance the writing.

Overall, a good start to a story. I think the plotting could be worked on as all the characters seem to do is cry and run after each other.

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