Killer Queen by @TaylorBryant787

I found parts of the story too colloquial. I get you're trying to connect with the reader but there are many other ways you can do that (like coveying emotion which you already did really well).

The writing style was great. Good use of semi colons.

I liked how you're not scared to be realistic and touch on dangerous topics. I love how this is such a personal experience and you intertwined it with light humour too.  Very intriguing.

Too many commas (look at my comments). Too many ellipsises too.

More description would have been nice (I wouldn't use the pictures for the houses but for the people, yes). It will really enhance the writing (especially in the part with Adam and the girl).

Love the main character (aka you). And it takes a lot for me to like characters!

Overall, a fantastic opening. The chapters were too long though. I would split them.

Remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

If you would like a critique, please read the guidelines, fill out the form, and complete the payment, all which can be found at the beginning of this book. :)