Bago simulan ang pagbabasa, lawakan muna ang pag-iisip. Maaaring may mabasa kang hindi magugustuhan ng iyong mata't damdamin, sana ay huwag mo gaanong dibdibin. Ang lahat ng nakasulat ay batay lamang sa kaalaman at opinyon ng iyong kritiko, sana ay may matutunan ka mula rito.

-JL

•••
Book Title: Every Heart's Point of View
Author: MissBluePen
Critique made by: paperdeity

Disclaimer: I’m in no way an expert critic but I always keep my criticisms constructive. If in a way you feel attacked by my critique, sorry. But I’m still hoping that my comments and suggestions will help you in improving your story. No hard feelings, eh? Also I’ve never done a critique for a while so I’m sorry if it disappoints. 🌸

Feedback:

∞Title:

Every Heart’s Point of View. The title is catchy and unique. I can also relate the title with the contents of the book since it’s a collection of short stories with different points of views. Though I was expecting a variety of one-shots if ‘yong title mo lang ang pagba-basehan ko without reading your description.

∞Book Cover:

Based on its appearance, I actually like the color of your book cover. It’s light and refreshing. The black and white images balance out the brightness of the cover. Hindi nga lang masyadong mabasa ‘yong subscript above the author’s name and medyo nagble-blend ‘yong font color ng ibang parts ng title and the author’s name.

Though, after reading the contents of your book, I thought how contradicting that you used a bright palette for your cover but the contents are all heartaches and tragedies.

∞Blurb & Prologue:

Blurb is precise and short. Straight to the point. No need to elaborate on this part. Naiparating mo sa reader ang gusto mong iparating and that's a nice start.

Prologue. There’s no prologue since it’s a collection of short stories/one-shots

∞Characterization:

When it comes to one-shots, it’s quite hard to see any character developments. The good thing about your characters is some of them are relatable and they have their own distinct voices. Maayos din ang pagkaka-deliver mo sa emotions ng iba sa kanila. So thumbs up for you para roon, Author.

As a reader, naintindihan ko ang nararamdaman ng mga characters mo. The way they described their feelings, I really felt their pain, pati na rin ang mga pag-aalinlangan nila. But there is something lacking, I felt their pain but I can’t relate to it because your characters lacked distinct personalities.  The messages were clearly delivered to the readers. Feelings were showed pero kung titingnan sa mas malaking picture, hindi ko mapinpoint ang pagkakaiba ng mga characters mo.

Imagine this, kapag pinagsama-sama mo ang mga characters mo sa one-shot stories mo sa loob ng iisang room, paano mo maa-identify which is which? What makes Austin, Austin? What makes Kee, Kee? What makes Janina different from Mitch? They lack distinct personalities na makakapagbigay sa kanila ng kakaibang vibes from your other characters. Well, except for three: May, Raven, and Sav.

Nag-standout para sa’kin sina May at Raven, hindi dahil happy ending ang story nila, kundi dahil may sarili silang personalidad. Na-identify ko agad si May base sa pinakita niyang ugali. She doesn’t care what other people think of her kahit pa nga magmukha siyang sunud-sunuran kay Raven. Hell, dahil sa ipinakita niya sa story, it makes me think as a reader na baka gawin niya lahat ng sasabihin ni Raven dahil lang sa nararamdaman niya para rito.

Pati si Raven ay may sariling personalidad na ipinakita. Misteryoso ang personality na ipinakita niya at nag-iba iyon pagdating sa huli. Para sa’kin ito ang maituturing na plot twist sa story nilang dalawa na hindi ko in-expect pero medyo in-anticipate ko lang.

Pagdating naman kay Sav (well, hindi na ako masyadong mag-eelaborate dahil naipaliwanag naman ng mabuti sa story ang personality niya), mula sa pagiging mabait na anghel ay naging isang fallen angel siya. Nag-serve din itong character development sa part niya.

I suggest that you work on giving off distinct personalities sa mga characters mo. How? Hm. Ito iyong mahirap na part. Paano mo nga ba mabibigyan ng different personality ang mga characters mo? Try mong bigyan sila ng tests. Anong gagawin nina Austin at Kee kung maging iba ang sitwasyong kinakaharap nila? Will Kee still react the way she reacted with Austin’s words kung sakaling malaman niyang may nakamamatay itong sakit? Same with your other characters as well, bigyan mo rin sila ng iba’t ibang test na makakapagpalabas ng personalidad nila. In that way, magkaroon ng ideya ang readers kung sino-sino nga ba ang mga characters mo.

∞Plot & Settings:

Plot:
The plot of each one-shot is unique. Yes, most of them are cliche but nababawi naman sa ginawa mong twists sa bandang dulo which are mostly unexpected. Good job for you here, Author.

Setting:
Just like character development, isa sa hindi masyadong nabibigyan ng pansin sa one-shots is the setting. You don’t need to be detailed when it comes to building the imagery of your story, lalo na kung may word limit kang naka-set. You can build the ambiance of the place or kahit pahapyaw lang para magka-idea ang readers mo kung ano ang itsura ng lugar.

Let’s take your ‘Cafe’ entry as an example, since siya ang may pinaka-obvious na setting. Lol. What if, instead of narrating na pumasok ng cafe si Janina ay i-describe mo ang unang bubungad sa kaniya. For example, pag pumasok ka sa isang coffee shop ang unang bubungad sa’yo ay ang bittersweet aroma ng freshly brewed coffee. Kasunod noon ay ang mga nakangiting mukha ng mga barista. And then you can narrate, what your character feels whenever na pupunta siya roon, lalo na sa one-shot mo na ‘to ay may significant value ang cafe na ‘yon between your main characters.

∞Narration & Dialogues:

I actually liked the way you narrate your one-shots. Narration is clean, except for some inconsistencies with your tenses (sa english entries). Minimal din ang typos and thankfully, no dragging lines and emojis.

Nagkaroon lang ako ng problema sa point of view ng naunang dalawang one-shots mo. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ako ba ang kausap ni Austin at Kee o sila ang magkausap. It felt like you combined first person pov and second person pov. This could’ve worked if you used the right pronouns. For example:

“Did I tell you I love you? Did I tell you that I’m madly in love with my best friend? That would be too shameful on my part.”

Nang mabasa ko ang linyang ‘yan ay napaisip ako kung ako ba ang sinasabihan ng ‘I love you’ ng character mo o ang best friend niya. If your goal is to give off ‘yong parang kinakausap ng character mo ang readers, you should’ve said,

“Did I tell you I love him? Did I tell you that I’m madly in love with my best friend? That would be too shameful on my part.”

Marami kang ganito sa dalawang naunang one-shots mo. Tulad ng unang nabanggit ko, if your goal is to give off the feeling that your character is talking to your readers, it’s either you use the right pronouns or hindi mo binigyan ng pangalan ang characters mo.

Isa pa sa mga napansin ko ay halos magkakaparehas ang narrator’s voice ng mga one-shot entries mo. This is connected with your character’s voice. Ito rin ang rason kung bakit parang may ‘something’ na kulang sa mga one-shots mo.

Yes, the narration delivers the emotions but there is something lacking. Let me say it this way, don’t just deliver the pain felt by your characters, make your reader feel the reason behind the cause of their pain.

Pagdating naman sa dialogues, maayos ang pagkaka-deliver ng mga ito. Mababasa talaga ang emotions na hatid ng nagsalita. Napansin ko lang na mas marami ang usage mo ng dialogue tags at kakaunti lang ang action tags. Mas lamang tuloy ang telling part mo kaysa sa showing. Suggest ko lang na i-try mong i-balance ito. Makakatulong din ito para mas magkaroon ng impact ang narrations mo.

Other technicalities na nakita ko sa story mo ay:

Overused ellipsis (Try changing ellipsis with dash kapag nag-stutter ang characters mo)

Ex:

I-I can’t understand why you have to push her away?

W-What happened?

‘yon/’yong instead of yun/yung

‘di ba? instead of diba? (contracted form ito ng word na hindi ba?)

na lang instead of nalang

Kantiyaw instead of kanchaw

Nalilito ka sa usage ng rin/din, rito/dito

Bakit/Ba’t instead of ‘Bat

∞Opinion as a Reader

As a reader, I actually enjoyed and liked your one-shot stories. The twist in every story was something quite unexpected. Nagmukha lang redundant sa akin ‘yong first two one-shots. I get the idea that you want your readers to see the side of Kee but you could’ve used a different scene, a scenenario which is not seen in Austin’s POV.

‘Yong ibang characters naman ay relatable rin but wala silang lasting effect to me as a reader since hindi ko ma-pinpoint kung anong personalities ang nais nilang ipakita. Katulad nga ng sinabi ko sa taas, kung sakaling ma-meet ko sila nang sabay-sabay, mahihirapan akong tukuyin kung sino ang mga characters mo sa story dahil halos iisa lang ang mga boses nila. Maybe you can work on that sa future or even sa ibang stories mo. Also, try working on your narration. It's good but it always falls short. It is also one of the reasons why your characters don't have any lasting effect.

You know, you already have it but it won't hurt to improve more right? As the quote goes, 'Accept both compliments and criticisms. Remember, it takes both sun and rain for a flower to grow.' 💜