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-JL

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Book Title: When September Ends
Author: idanielrubio
Critique made by: mr_cuddles

Feedback:

∞ Title

The title reminds me of a Green Day song that was really popular about a decade ago. Buti na lang, hindi 'yong buong title ng kanta ang naging title ng story mo, like how they do in a lot of teleseryes and romcom films sa Pilipinas. So far, wala pa naman akong nakikitang Wattpad story na may saktong same title at walang ginamit na words na gasgas na sa Wattpad titles so that's good. Maikli lang din 'yong title and it can spur one's curiosity.

∞ Book Cover

The cover is simple. It looks clean, I like it. Mukhang mga sulat 'yong illustration pero hindi ko pa alam kung anong connection no'n sa story. I guess, that's okay kasi five parts pa lang naman ang nababasa ko. Gusto ko rin 'yong font na ginamit and nababasa 'yong title pero sa mobile app at sa desktop browser, masyadong maliit 'yong size no'ng pangalan ng author at no'ng line sa baba ng title. Nahirapan akong basahin.

∞ Blurb

It's brief but it was able to present an overview of the protagonist's struggles and how another character gets to influence his life and effectively change his views. It didn't really give details but we know that he gets through. Itong lines na 'to: 'an incident changes everything', 'mysterious woman' and 'life offers something to Kyle' 'yong mga nag-i-incite ng intrigue pero hindi naging sapat para sa 'kin 'yon para ma-excite magbasa. Parang common na kasi 'yong theme na may depressed boy tapos may girl na magpapasaya sa kanya. To make the blurb more enticing, maybe you can put details on how this story would be different from others na may similar theme. Or maybe you can say more interesting things about your characters.

∞ Prologue

Sa pagkakaintindi ko, present time 'yong prologue at flashback ang first chapter. Ending na ng September ang date sa prologue and 'yon na 'yong title kaya mukhang may magaganap na importante. I think this was a good way to start your story. Nagkaroon ng overview sa nalampasan ng protagonist and it seems like he's about to approach the culmination of the events that changed his life. 

Medyo cliffhanger ang ending ng prologue. Naging effective 'yon for me, ginanahan akong ituloy ang kuwento kasi naging interested ako sa posibleng sunod na pangyayari. 

On a different note, ang windshield ay 'yong bintana sa harap ng kotse, 'yong kung nasaan ang wiper. Hindi ako sure kung may car models na naibababa 'yong windshield pero for sure, 'yong sa Lancer, hindi naibababa.

∞ Characterization

Sa five parts na nabasa ko, may dalawang main characters, sina Kyle and Irish. Medyo pareho sila ng way of speaking, parehong madaling mag-switch between English and Filipino. I imagine na kung si Irish ang magsasabi ng sentiments ni Kyle, she would use the same words. I don't have a problem with this. Kung same naman sila ng age group and social class, normal lang na may pagkakapareho sila sa diction.

Kyle was obviously going through something painful so naiintindihan ko 'yong reason kung bakit niya ginawa 'yong balak niyang gawin sa chapter one pero 'di ko inakalang madali siyang mapapasakay ni Irish sa mga trip nito. I expected more resistance from him but maybe Irish was really convincing and he subconsciously wanted to be saved. Natawa akong tinawag pa ni Kyle na hypnotism ang ginagawa ni Irish.

Irish, on the other hand, had a lot of wise words na gumagana kay Kyle. Pwede na siguro siyang mag-Ted Talk. Mukha siyang masayang kasama and I think the two complement each other. Amazed din ako sa lakas niya, napigilan ba naman 'yong tuluyang pagkahulog ni Kyle. Sa mga chapter na nabasa ko, I think she fits the Manic Pixie Dream Girl stereotype but I hope she gets to be something more as the story progresses.

∞ Plot/Setting

I like how you started the first chapter. 'Yong first line, nakakakuha talaga ng attention. It made me want to read on 'cause I was curious. Hindi naman super common 'yong plot pero hindi rin ito 'yong first time na makakabasa ako ng ganitong first meeting ng dalawang characters. Hindi ko matawag na mabagal 'yong takbo ng kuwento pero parang wala masyadong ganap na mapapa-OMG ka or something but maybe I shouldn't really expect that kasi hindi naman 'to thriller. More on inspirational ito for me and I think maa-appreciate ng readers 'yong mga pangaral ni Irish. Okay din 'yong mga ending ng chapters. May mga pambibitin na nagaganap which is a good way to get readers to keep reading. And natawa talaga ako no'ng nag-offer si Irish magbayad pero wala daw pala siyang pambayad kaya nag-eat-and-run lang sila.

Maayos din namang na-establish ang setting. Malinaw kung anong oras at araw ng events and common naman 'yong featured places like 'yong tulay, 7eleven, karinderya, playground, etc. so ayos lang sa 'kin na hindi super detailed ang paglarawan no'n. I really liked the overlooking place. I imagined them looking at the city lights and that was a nice way to end the day.

∞ Narration/Dialogues

The story was written in Kyle's POV. Magaling siya mag-describe ng feelings at nagagamit niya 'yong ibang senses, hindi lang sight. Sa narration and dialogues, may times na awkward and transition ng English to Filipino and vice versa. I find it distracting pero kung gano'n talaga ang way ng pagsasalita ni Kyle, then it's part of his character and should be expected in his narration. Pero hindi consistent ang tone niyang gano'n. May instances na gumagamit siya ng mas formal na Filipino na hindi ko ine-expect na sasabihin ng taong may pagka-conyo (I don't like using this word pero can't find a better term, sorry) when speaking.

May ilang bagay rin akong nakita na puwedeng i-improve: 'ng' vs 'nang', unnecessary na gitling sa Filipino words, missing commas, unsuitable prepositions and words, and subject-verb agreement. Ilang instances lang naman 'yan at may times na tama naman ang paggamit. Na-miss lang siguro at kailangan lang mag-proofread.

Lumamang ang telling kaysa sa showing (pero 'di naman natambakan) sa kuwento but I think that's fine kasi it's in first person. Nare-reflect lang sa narration kung paano mag-process 'yong utak ni Kyle.

∞ Opinion As A Reader

It was a decent read. There are still a lot of things that I'm curious about like ano nangyari sa natitirang araw ng September, kung anong nangyayari sa present and of course, I was interested in knowing more about Irish. Napanindigan naman ngang 'mysterious woman' siya. But I don't think that reading five parts was enough to get me really hooked. Though, to be honest, as a reader, hindi ito 'yong hilig kong genre. So it's not you, it's me. Anyway, nabasa ko sa foreword na you're busy and not rushing this story. I hope that you find time for it and time para mag-edit na rin. Good luck po!