Bago simulan ang pagbabasa, lawakan muna ang pag-iisip. Maaaring may mabasa kang hindi magugustuhan ng iyong mata't damdamin, sana ay huwag mo gaanong dibdibin. Ang lahat ng nakasulat ay batay lamang sa kaalaman at opinyon ng iyong kritiko, sana ay may matutunan ka mula rito.

-JL

•••

Book Title: Wake Up Beautiful
Author: LoveSuzaine
Critique made by: Lucha_Mia

Feedback:

∞Title

Wake Up Beautiful. As I am aware of, many have already corrected you with your title, so pass!

∞Book Cover

Legible ang title at name ng author, 'yon ang importante. Most of the times, the simpler the BC, the better. No much to say.

∞Blurb/Prologue

Jamila Mae Santos was a 200 lbs cute woman. Everyone ignored and rejected her. Out of depression, she tried to kill herself. And after a year of comatose, she wake up beautiful.
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CHECKLIST TO CONSIDER WHEN WRITING A PROLOGUE

Is it catchy? Will it engage the readers? Am I going to buy it if I see it in a bookstore?

You have introduced your main character at the beginning. Check. You have introduced the conflict of the story. Check… And after a year [in a coma], she [wakes] up beautiful… and then what? She wakes up beautiful. So? What’s the catch? What’s at stake? What are the consequences of waking up beautiful after a long time in a coma? Ang ipinupunto ko lang naman eh, the author should trigger the readers’ curiosity. Give us a “Buy Me” effect.

It’s hard to have a truly original story, no one will argue. Even Mark Twain said, “There is no such thing as a new idea.” From ugly duckling to beautiful swan is a common story. But what makes WUB different? That’s for the author to figure out and put in the blurb to make it inviting. Entice us to buy your book. Let your teaser “tease” us.

∞Characterization

Jamilla. Her wittiness and “ka-feelingera-han” entertain me, I must say. A little bit naïve. I like her, don’t get me wrong. However, I’m not convinced that she’s claustrophobic. I think she’s exagg on that part. Based on my research, pati na rin sa napapanood ko sa TV, you have to have an “extreme” fear of closed spaces in order to be diagnosed with Claustrophobia. Nakakaya niyang sumakay ng kotse na sarado ang mga bintana. Take note, every day. Without panic attack. I think, little anxiety lang sa closed space ang kanya. Hindi phobia.

Esraelle. A guy who is afraid being stared at sounds interesting. It makes me wonder, How is Jamilla (or am I as a reader) going to deal with this guy? What causes his phobia? Is there a backstory about it? What are the events that are going to help him develop his character or transform? Is he going to overcome his fear? Well, he should, otherwise there won’t be a character arc. And without a character arc, there won’t be a story arc.

∞Plot/Settings

I want to put emphasis on the plot holes I noticed.

Okay. She woke up from a coma after a year. She saw herself in the mirror. She was damn sexy. Instantly. That made her cry. I don’t. Sa totoong buhay, kapag mataba ka 'tapos bigla kang pumayat, magiging saggy ang skin mo. You need to hit the gym religiously para ma-tone ang muscles at curves mo. I suggest, huwag munang gawing napaka-sexy agad ni Jamilla pagkagising from a coma. Pumayat lang. Pero hindi sexy. Puwedeng sabihin ni Author na kinailangang i-workout ni Jamilla ang kanyang figure kaya naging voluptuous. Puwede rin, para may surprise effect sa reader, puwedeng sabihin ni Author na hindi makapaniwala si Jamilla sa nakita sa salamin, pero hindi niya sasabihin sa aming readers kung ano 'yong nakikita niya, save it sa Chapter 1. That way, na-trigger ang curiosity namin and we would like to know about it on the next chapter.

Isa pa, one year kang tulog, one year na tulog ang utak mo. Paggising, hindi mo kaagad maaalala ang mga nangyari sa past. Huhukayin mo pa sa alaala mo. But Jamilla remembered immediately that she attempted suicide a year ago.

Sa Chapter 1, nakalimutang i-mention ni Author kung saan naglalakad si Jamilla.

I noted, one month pa lang nang magising siya from a coma, pero bibbo kid na kaagad si Jamilla. Hindi ako doctor  or into any med chorva, pero logically, one year kang nakaratay, nag-a-adjust pa ang muscles mo, ang limbs mo, your whole body, even your mental, nagpapalakas ka pa sa first few months mo. Pero si Jamilla, hanep, nagawa nang makipaghabulan sa snatcher at mandamba. Kung makaaksyon siya, parang hindi niya kagagaling lang sa almost death.

'Yong transformation din ng attitude niya from being weak to being a palaban, instant. Walang adjustment na nangyari. She used to be a bully victim and was body shamed all her life, right? She used to have a low self-esteem. So, I suggest, mag-take time si Author na magsulat ng summary showing time jump, telling us what happened in the first few/several months after she woke up from a coma. Ano ang mga ginawa niya kaya naging napaka-sexy (hindi lang basta payat) niya nang husto, what are the events that transformed her into a totally different person?
And why is she walking outside alone and bringing her family’s last money? I wonder why.

May asawa na ang ate niya, ilang months nang buntis, dinatnan niya outside their house with her mother and their stuffs. That gave me an impression na sa kanila nakatira ang ate niya at asawa nito na mayaman naman pala. But the latter came 'tapos sinusundo sila kasi pumayag na raw ang mommy nito na sa mansion muna ng mga ito pumirmi pansamantala. The next events that happened made me think na hindi nagsasama ang mag-asawa sa iisang bubong before the incident. So, kailangang i-establish ni Author ang family setup ng pamilya ni Jamilla, as well as their livelihood before the catastrophe. As for her dad, nabanggit ko na sa inline so 'di ko na uulitin dito. Don’t neglect secondary characters, hmf.

And Jamilla didn’t report to the police about the crime?

As for the romance between J and E, good job ka sa physical attraction na naramdaman ni Jamilla kay Esraelle in their first meet, plus the fact that she does not admit it. Pero bakit gano’n? As the story goes on, hindi ako masyadong kinikilig. May kulang! Sexual tension. But what is sexual tension? And how can I achieve sexual tension? According to Sierra Cartwright, in a romance, sexual tension is the lifeblood of the novel, the magic ingredient that keeps readers turning the page. Sexual tension is achieved by using your five senses: sight, touch, taste, hearing and smell. Ano’ng feeling ng skin ni girl against skin ni boy when she accidentally touches him? How does boy smell when he gets closer to her? And so on and so on. You need to describe those. Tip: include visceral reactions when writing emotions.

Bumilis ang pintig ng puso, sumikip ang sikmura, na-tense ang muscles. (These examples are clichés so think of new ones.) Sa ice cream part, may chance ka na maglagay ng sexual tension. So better pakiligin me, Author. Remember that this is romance, romance, romance. Readers should fall in love. If they don’t, then it’s not a romance.

∞Narration/Dialogues

Pansin ko, prone si Author sa filtering. Ilan sa mga napansin ko…

Napansin ko naman ang nahulog na wallet sa sahig.

Naramdaman ko ang pagpisil ng kamay niya sa kamay ko.

Habang kumakain kami ay isang malakas na pagbagsak ng tray ang narinig namin.

Kung tatanggalin ko ang filters which are “napansin ko”, “naramdaman ko”, “narinig namin”, understood pa rin ang nais ipabatid ni Author.

Nahulog ang wallet niya sa sahig.

Pinisil niya ang kamay ko.

Habang kumakain kami ay sumambulat ang malakas na pagbagsak ng tray.

This way, mas naging showing siya kaysa telling. Mas naging vivid ang writing. Nabawasan ang word count.
So you’re saying I need to avoid using filters at all times? Um, no. There are situations where using filters is okay.

Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang pagtama ng paa niya sa binti ko kaya naman agad ko 'tong inilayo sa lamesa. (It’s okay to use filter here because the narrator doesn’t see under the table. She felt.)

Sa action tags, maraming beses kong nabasa ang “Matamis akong ngumiti.” Be more creative, Author. Maraming adjective para ilarawan ang ngiti.
Speaking of tags…

“Ikaw na namang pabida ka,” naiiritang sabi sa akin ni Arelle.

“Pardon?” hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko.

“Wala akong gana,” matamlay na sabi naman nito at napipilitang kumain.

“Ano ‘yan?” nagtatakang tanong ko.

No offense but such tonal dialogue tags are blatant “telling.” Even without those tags, I can tell (as a reader) that Arelle is naiirita when she called Jamilla pabida; that Jamilla couldn’t believe what she heard when she said pardon; that Esraelle is matamlay when he said wala siyang gana; that Jamilla is nagtataka when she said ano 'yan.

Ang ibig ko lang namang sabihin eh, GOOD DIALOGUES WILL CONVEY ITS OWN TONE. Kung feeling mo eh nailagay mo na sa context ng dialogue ang emosyon, hindi mo na kailangang maglagay ng tag kasi nga obvious na sa mismong dialogue. Unless, you didn’t give us a clue to the manner of speaker or who the speaker is is not clear, then you need to add tags. In that case, action tag will often do so better than adverbs.

“Ikaw na namang pabida ka.” Sabay taas ng kilay niya.

“Pardon?” Nagusot ang ilong ko.

“Wala akong gana.” Umiling siya.

“Ano ‘yan?” Nguso ko sa picture.

∞Opinion not as a critic but as a reader

Ay, grabe, ang iksi ng nasabi ko rito! Ang opinion ko as a reader, nakikita ko na may talent si Author. At natutuwa rin ako na makita ang improvement ng writing skill niya. Partner na tayo dati sa ibang BC kaya alam ko ang kinabahan ng pagsusulat mo noon sa pagsusulat mo ngayon. Ang bilis ng improvement mo. Kung ipagpapatuloy mo pa at mas magsisipag ka pa, imagine how great you can become. May daloy ang WUB. It’s a good read and your characters are interesting especially Esraelle. Kailangan lang ng edit at doble ingat sa plotholes. Keep on writing! I see a big star above your head!