User: DarkWolf13

Title: The Loveless Singles Squad

The title is pretty good. It also gives an idea about what’s going on and what to expect.

Cover: It’s a cute cover. I do like the one for your other version better, but this one also works for the genre and story.

Summary: I like that you’ve shortened your summary, but by no means should you but Jake and James between parenthesis. They’re your MCs. They at least deserve commas. Why I don’t like about your blurb is that you use fragments and it reads stilted. The last sentence doesn’t stand well on its own.

Story: You’ve improved a lot, I’ll give you that. This is by no means the same story I reviewed last time. Your first chapter starts off wonderfully and doesn’t make me question the principal’s sanity anymore. You also cut right to the chase, which is great.
Things do start to go a little downhill after that scene. For one thing, you write first person present tense. It means your need for inner thought that should go in italics is minimal. Your entire narration is basically inner thought, so every time you put it in italics, it’s like Jacob is narrating inside his head instead of just observing what’s going on or doing stuff. So I’d actually cut all of those inner thoughts and stick with normal narration.

This was particularly awkward when James showed up, because it was like you were trying to sneak an info dump in first person. Congratulations, you did it, and it’s pretty hard to achieve.
Another observation. Try to avoid bold at all costs. Texts? Italics? Italics in italics? Normal script. No bold. Bold just looks wrong.

I like how you made Jake not be a douche towards Elmer in this version. I did find their interactions with Luke a little stilted. He comes off as laughable instead of menacing. Like a meathead. He maybe is, but then it felt weird that James challenged him like that.
So I applaud you on your first chapter. Your second chapter however is too long. Twenty pages (shown on my app) is way too long. The first chapter has the perfect length. I’m not saying don’t have longer chapters, because they will be a treat. Just not maybe in the first ten. Let the reader get used to your story, grow to love it.

Overall, I feel like the story has improved a lot. I would watch out for believability of some of the situations (see the James/Luke thing) and also the way you narrate. Best of luck with the story.

Overall rating: 8/10

By : Wimbug