User: koalanindya

Title: All that leads to you

After reading the blurb, the title is actually really good for the story. Clues and more clues that lead to… someone faking their death? I’m interested to find out.

Cover: It’s a standard teen fiction cover. I’m not overly impressed with it, but it works.

Summary: Your summary is interesting, but full of redundancy. Your first four paragraphs basically say the same thing. Anna has lost someone and is in grief. Don’t stretch it out. The blurb should be short and interesting. After she finds the note, I instantly become interested. But, I have a feeling your story will be rambling.

Story: You’re story is not rambling, but is confusing as hell. Let’s start with grammar. Your grammar is good and so is your punctuation. So you have the bases of a solid story already. But then comes your structure. Why do you use scene breaks when you don’t change the scene?

And your characters… you don’t bother to describe the relationships between them. We get West was important to Anna, but I want more about their relationship. And her and Ocean laughing is just weird as is Anna’s relationship with Dylan who I have no idea who he is.

I think you need to set the scene better. So West died. When? And how? And even if you did a good job showing how confused and numb Anna is, her reactions still feel off… she doesn’t think about specifics much. Like what of West she missed, or how she felt about him, or what they used to do together. I also have no idea about who Ocean, Dylan and Xander were to West.
And why would they be called to get West’s stuff? And them just singing in his house is beyond weird. I think you need to focus a little on the realism of your characters and their reactions in a given situation.

Also, I’d work a little more on setting the scene and giving some back story, not just throw us in as if we’re supposed to know everything that went on so far.

Focus on this, because the rest of your writing is good.

Overall rating: 7/10

By : Wimbug