User : Djkrystal

Story title: My Keeper

​Title:- It's about the bond of Kristen and Roman; her keeper. So it's quite apt.

Cover:- Cover is good, but can be better. For now, it's okay.

Summary:- The contents of the summary is good but you need to work on the construction. There are major grammatical switches and confusing sentences. Try putting some eye-catching lines from the story. A good summary should always provoke the readers. It should be fresh, interesting and not loud.

Story:- Your story needs a big editing. You used many confusing sentences, did grammatical errors, and also violated the tenses somewhere. And please be accurate about putting punctuation marks. You forgot somewhere, and somewhere else you used them unnecessarily. Try to use stylish English. I mean that be different yet simple with the choice of words.

You need to be mature with writing. The way you have written indicates that you are still immature. But the description is good. The portrayal of the mother-daughter bond is beautiful too. The abuse of the father was nicely shown.

Do not part the paragraphs with words like "Next Morning~", "Nighttime" type words. It doesn't happen in a first person narrative. It happens if your story is a diary-entry. Directly make it a line at the starting of a paragraph. Example,

" The next morning, mom made us a whole spread of breakfast,..."

Do not use inaccurate words like "Got damn". Use "God damned" or just "damned". It is proper to use three "." s(dots) instead of four or two.

Example of a confusing line: "I don't want to think she alone frighten without me or worse dead somewhere."

My suggestion: "I don't want to think she's alone; frightened without me; or worse, dead somewhere."

Another example: "... I left and went to go fine Nick."

My suggestion: "... I left and went to find Nick."

A door doesn't "cling" open. You should know the proper meaning of the words you are using. Irrelevant and using words which do not exist degrade the quality of a story. Please see to that. I felt you rushed with story too much. Try to slow down the pace. Let the readers cherish it slowly and let them catch the emotions of the characters properly. Please do not use too many fragments of words in between full stops. You can very well write them as a full sentence. These will make the story more lustrous. And one more, a door cannot have "cravings", but it can definitely have "Carvings"- a misuse of words.

Characterization:- Only six chapters are posted, hence characters are yet to unleash properly. Still, Kristen has got a good characterization. She needs to get some more elements to be the proper heroine of the story though. Roman is developing with his mysteries surrounding him. Though you have made him mysterious only by his looks, not by his character fully. Grace and Nicholas are great supporting characters.

Plus:- The emotions are beautifully portrayed. The concept is unique owing to the clichés you have broken. The vampires, werewolves can be friends, even can love; is a surely unique thought. The story becomes highly appreciating at places where you use fantastic words and sentences. There are some really beautiful thoughts and dialogues. Also you nullified many clichés about the vampires and werewolves. Its greatest plus point is the concept and portrayal of emotions, especially in the first two chapters.

Minus:- Grammatical switches, spelling mistakes, improper use of words, articles, prepositions, etc. And need to work on the first person thoughts a bit more. You need to slow the pace if it's a big story.

My suggestions:- Use a dictionary which can convert your thoughts in your mother language to English. Even I use a Bengali (my Mother tongue) to English dictionary and a Synonyms-antonyms dictionary while writing. It helps a lot to put better words to your thoughts. For grammars, try to contact an editor. At the end, I would like to say, don't feel much low because we all commit mistakes. But we can surely rectify them to our best level.

Rating:- 6.5/10.

By : PoisonBish

Good Luck!

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