User: Sarahsnothere

Title: Shadowborn

The title is bringing VA vibes to me. I know that was Shadowkissed, but it’s not a bad thing. I loved VA.

Cover:

It’s an interesting cover, dark and gritty. It screams paranormal rather than Fantasy, but yeah, I like it. It’s simple, yet effective. I think the font could be improved, but that’s about it.

Summary:

I like it, but I also fear it’s a bit rambling. I’m guessing you have three POV characters and you wrote a little about each, which is good. On the other hand, that paired with the general stuff about war felt a little too much.

In the second paragraph, it should be: Fear of the unknown drove humans to attack their alien visitors.
I also feel like you need a wrap up sentence that concerns your three characters – will they ever meet? Something like that.

This is probably not very helpful, but I’m not sure how to fix it. Except maybe shorten it up considerably (for example: in a world where fear of the unknown drove humans to attack their alien visitors, Feyla is the child of prophecy, carrying her race’s future in her hands.)

Story:

Let me gush for once. Wow, your voice is amazing. Seriously, Feyla’s thoughts and actions are so close to my heart, I can’t help but instantly connect with her. You’ve done a great job with her.
Your plot is also interesting and original as far as I’ve read, and it makes me curious to read more. Who doesn’t like a good combination of demons and aliens?

Overall, I really liked what I read (I might even save it for later), but here are a few pointers on what I think could be improved:

You have a lot of description. That’s not a bad thing, especially when you’re writing fantasy, but it slows the pace of your first chapter a lot. Maybe try to cut some of it or condense it.
At some point, I felt like I was reading a sequel and I felt lost. Apparently, it’s not a sequel, so maybe sneak in a bit more information about the world. Mention the war, mention that few are left, maybe mention what Feyla used to do before the war. Also, I’m curious what shifters do and how they differ from humans in appearance. That kind of stuff is very helpful.

You do have some typos and missing commas and awkwardly placed commas in there, but nothing another read through won’t fix.
Hell yeah for a demonic squirrel pet!

You’ve got real talent to set the scene and create characters, so great job. Your score is inevitable.

Overall rating: 10/10

By : Wimbug