User: lolaDawn

Title: Lost in thorns

The title is interesting and seems to fit the story. So far, you’ve got my attention.

Cover:

You just lost my attention. I know this is fanfiction and that’s Sakura, but the image is grainy and the font crappy. It screams amateur. You probably did it yourself. Find a cover artist/ or at least a better quality picture.

Summary:

Okay, why? Why would you start your blurb with a POV marker? Even if it’s a story excerpt, which it so obviously is, that’s still terrible. Regarding the excerpt… look, I’ll be honest, I don’t care. A story excerpt is good so that the reader can assess your style and see if they like it. I don’t care about your style if I don’t know what the story is about. So even if you decide to use an excerpt, place it after the actual blurb.
The blurb isn’t half bad, though describing Sakura as a lady felt clumsy. Also, it’s used TO his advantage. The last line is good. I’d delete the third sentence and you’d have a decent blurb.
The excerpt is good. Delete the POV marker and place it after the blurb and you’re going places.

Story:

First off, I don’t watch Naruto. I’m aware of its existence and know who Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke are and what they look like, but that’s about it.
Second off. No! What the hell is with all the italics? I’m not expecting a present day story, I’m expecting their relationship to evolve, so don’t give me massive flashbacks. You know why? Because italics are very tiring on the eyes.

Your grammar in itself is pretty good, but you use dialogue punctuation incorrectly. You also need to separate dialogue and actions better because you have boggled up paragraphs. Also, avoid using bold in text at all costs. Notes and texts should be in italics. If you’re writing in italics, it should be in normal.

Story-wise… I like Sakura’s voice, but that’s kinda it. Sasuke comes across as a stalking weirdo, there are too many characters introduced (This is me not knowing Naruto, so I found that annoying and confusing) and I can’t find Sakura’s motivation to go to that party. Plus, we know next to nothing about Sakura. Why is she a waitress? Where is she a waitress?
Also, if Sakura is nineteen, how is she even in high school and not even a senior? Or is this taking place… oh, wait, I have no idea where. Yup, that could be the problem. The idea of Naturo in high school is amusing though.

Overall, I think your story could be entertaining to its target audience. Unfortunately, that’s not me. Best of luck!

Overall rating: 6/10

By : Wimbug