User Name :- fullmango

■Story Name :- MY Diary

■Title :- It is not the time to say the aptness of the title. But considering Sophie's messed up life, it is okay. But I feel the title can be better.

■Cover :- The cover is beautiful and it is really worth it. It completely goes with the topic. But I think it could have better effects.

■Summary :- The blurb is average. Though it is short and trimmed, it doesn't create an urge to read it. You can work on putting intelligent and pin-pointed cliffhangers. Also, you have used unusually long lines, which you can curtail. Though you dint reveal much, you can definitely work on making it more intriguing.

■Story :- Your story has lots of grammatical errors, punctuation errors, and tense switches. What is that "BBB" in the very first line of the first paragraph?

"...I woke up slam the annoying clock..." ✗

"...I woke up slamming the annoying clock..." ✓

"...I woke up and slammed the annoying clock..." ✓ [Both are correct]

Don't put MC's thoughts in her POV within brackets. You can develop it into a line. You can italicize the MC's thoughts. For example,

" 'Let's try to enjoy life,' I think. As if that's ever going to happen. " [Wrote directly the correct sentence. Note the other corrections done.]

Put proper punctuation marks. For example, you missed question marks at the end of some interrogative sentences. Please look into them and rectify.

"...there..." ✗

"...their..." ✓

"...crack..." ✗

"...creak..." ✓

"I look at my reflection staring back at me is a girl with dark brown eyes with her long black hair tucked behind her ears." ✗ [This sentence has error in its construction.]

"I look at my reflection. Staring back at me is a girl with dark brown eyes, and her long black hair is tucked behind her ears." ✓

"...panic at disco shirt..." ✗ ["Panic at the disco" is not a direct part of the sentence.]

″..."Panic! At the Disco" shirt..." ✓

"...no busy..." ✗

"...nobody..." ✓

"...forse..." ✗

"...force..." ✓

"Shoots" ✗

"Shoot!" ✓ (As far as I know)

I won't mention any other grammatical switches. Edit them, you will know it all.

There are many long paragraphs. Please divide them to give the reader a better appearance and experience to read it. The pace of the book is very slow. This is because you are always avoiding what happened to Sophie and just leave a poor cliffhanger with a phrase "after what X did to her" [Put Jason and Annie in the place of 'X'. ] At some places, it becomes irritating to read Sophie's dramatic thoughts and reactions.

You said that the MC is trying to avoid Jason for a year. But according to your blurb, it's Jason that had betrayed her and left her, not she. So there's no reason for her to avoid him. She can hate him. Jason had been avoiding her actually. By the way, for a year Jason disappeared. Didn't Sophie go to school then? Why everything is like new to her?

Your writing style is very boring and it doesn't create the spark that it should have. I don't feel the MC's pains, or her facade of being strong.

The fifth chapter has the title "Irratarion". I don't think there's a word like that! And the first sentence of that chapter is a total construction-mess. Your book has a lot of crappy and poorly constructed sentences. You need the BASIC editing. I seriously wonder why you have applied for a second level review.

Well, separate the thoughts of the characters with the spoken dialogues. You have many things jabbed at one place. It makes it look immature. Don't write numbers as digits, but write them in words. Why so many "oh no" and "oh god" in a line? It becomes so baffling to read. There is a difference between "your" and "you're". You messed them. "Your" is a pronoun while "you're" is short for "you are". So use them aptly.

You describe the little actions way too meticulously. The frown that formed on my face dint leave till the end. Those monotonous descriptions made the book a bore. Emotions can be more beautifully shown. The present portrayals are okay but it doesn't make us relate to the plot.

I am not going for skeletal defects any more. You must work on the discrepancies.

■Plot :- As I told you, the pace is very slow. The plot is yet not developed. There's still much more to know before I say how the plot is. Actually, the incident on which it is based, is yet not highlighted properly, except some vague mentions. So, let me stop this here. But you should work on developing the plot in a better way. But I must say, the story is realistic and the emotions shown are very true.

■Characterization :-

● Sophie- She is a poorly developed character so far. For a realistic story's MC, she is not real. Her looks are yet not shown properly. I couldn't imagine her throughout. She overthinks and does things dramatically. Her relation with her fellow characters is very vague, especially her mother. Her feelings are always confined to what they did to her. Even the facade she has put on, is unnatural.

I seriously wonder, from the second to the eighth chapter, how you have simply ranted and shown her friends, where her mother is also a part of the story, she has not got a proper space till now.

Sophie's thoughts, as I said, are childish, immature and self-centered. She is still in her past, according to some parts. But again somewhere, you are showing she has moved on. Why this dual nature? I am not ranting any more. But Sophie needs to tread a long path to be the ideal MC, with her characteristic flaws.

● Jason- Jason, unlike Sophie, is an interesting character. He is more well developed and his looks are also aptly portrayed. Though to comment properly on his character, reading till this part of the book is not enough.

Regarding Annie and Sophie's mom, I would say the same. Your characters, overall, are average and very vague. You need to put in your intelligence to make them better.

■Rating :- 5/10. Get an editor as soon as possible to clear the mess up. Though you have said you are editing, I don't think you actually have. Before that, there are constructional, emotional, and many other glitches to rectify. But if worked on intelligently, your plot can win laurels. It has that potential.

Good Luck! ☺

By : PoisonBish