User : CraZzySuZzi_16

Title : When Emily Decides to Die

Firstly, I really like your story idea. I've not read the book by Coelho that you describe so I don't know if it follows the same plot line as yours or not. Anyway, I think it's a great idea to write about a young woman who doesn't wish to live, then falls in love...

Given that suicide is not at all a light subject, I thought you handled it well. Your writing has sensitivity and I had a sense of Veronika as a person and her fragility and state of mind. The story gets off to a strong start when you jump straight in to the scene of her taking the pills. This worked well. A strong start to a story always grabs the reader's interest and yours certainly did.

Be careful that you don't stretch into areas that you don't have too much experience with. You don't actually do this but I'm just telling you as a hint for your future stories. For instance, if a writer has never been inside an asylum then they should steer clear of describing things that they don't know about - like the restraints or the schedule or the protocols. Rather, as a writer, you can mask this by instead concentrating on smaller details that you know plenty about - for instance, you talk about the nurse's uniform and the lights - they are good examples of using small details to build the picture and then the reader will fill in the rest with their imagination. You could just as easily have described the floor tiles, or the sound of the doctor's shoes as she walks away - things that you know very well how to describe.

Your writing flows well in both descriptive passages and dialogue. I liked the way too, that you move the story on at a good pace - you don't linger too long on each scene and we move fairly quickly on to the scene where she first encounters Caleb.
So, in all, I had a good impression. I understood the story, your descriptions make sense and are interesting and the story is certainly a compelling one.

Since this is a Level 2 review, now we should talk about areas you could work on for improvement.

Here, the key question for me is -
Am I really convinced about her reasons to commit suicide?

Unfortunately no, I'm not. So you need to work harder to explain this to the reader.

You tell us at one point (I think when she meets Caleb?) that 'her life is a mess' - well, I didn't see a mess - I saw a girl who has boyfriends and a job and loving parents. She doesn't like the feeling after sex, but so? You hint that she has little to live for. That she is bored. I can intuit that she feels no sense of purpose - nothing positive and motivating in her life. But really, is this a reason for someone to take their own life? I need more convincing.

So, maybe, you need to delve more into this and tell the reader more about her hopelessness and where is comes from? You can then write a little of this into the first chapter and expand a little bit more in each successive chapter. That way, you draw the reader deeper and deeper inside the character of Veronika and the dilemma she is faced with, at the same time as telling us of the outer events which are shaping her life.
Overall then, a good story. You say this is your first writing experience, so I have to say very well done. You write with fluency and imagination - keep it up and good luck with it!

Best,

Roller279

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