Username: Jessyyyimagines1D

Title: Craving Him

Cover: The graphics part is too obvious and their pics didn't fit well. You could do better with the cover. Also I don't think their expressions match the story.

Summary:

I think you've given away too much in the summary. Summary should be mysterious. It should elude reader's curiosity. And you wrote the summary like "hey its just a cliche story". maybe there are lot of messy things in the book, but I'm sure of 1 thing, the story is not cliche. Try to rewrite the summary in more appealing way.

And next time try to make the summary simple, without mistakes.

Story

For the start, its not like a story. Its like reading a diary. Going back and forth and switching tenses.

Let me take the story as "telling the story" type. Still the grammar issues are there and the narrative voice is in talking language, which is supposed to be in literature type.

Removes his fallen hair behind his ears? Did he had a long hair? U didn't mention in that case. And that's an awkward sentence formation - "tucked his hair behind his ears" will be the right way.

There's awfully a looot grammatical switch. I seriously don't understand, if the story is happening in present or past. There is a single line switch at lot of places - present past and future tense in a single line.

How's ur MC looks like? You had an opening to describe her physical appearance when she was getting ready for the night out, looking at the mirror. You didn't use it.

And seriously, I don't know what her second name meant to anybody. You've introduced as if that name is obviously belonged to some celebrity and if that's the case, I don't know that celebrity and for readers like me you should have described it.

Since when photographers and painters became that popular? Even her private Life is watched and recorded? I don't think so. You've to be logical to make the story look real.

Who's Gen, Thomas, shepherd? There's no proper introduction for these characters. And I don't know how they looked.

Jensen is the main character and u just introduced him like that? I expect you slow down a bit at that point and give some dramatic descriptions on him and on the scene. It's a great disappointment. See you throw in the characters like a ball into a closed room. It jumps around, bounces back without a proper character. This is how your characters are. They're just names. I don't know who r they, what they look like, or what their characters are.

I don't feel the emotional attachment to the characters. Your MC'S character is also jumping. She is all bouncy and lively and then switch to moody and grumpy in no time.

Character development is poor.

There are lot of misused words. For instance, washing the teeth? What happened to BRUSHING the teeth?

Punctuations are misused too.

"I'm sorry, bro. I forgot it's your birthday." I say.

This is wrong. See when the tagline follows the end punctuation of the dialogue should be a comma.

Like, "I'm sorry, bro. I forgot it's your birthday," I say. ✔

"Roll with my eyes"???
"Lucky in marriage"??? See to the correct usage of words. These are all wrong and many others too.

So the whole family in media business? In all these things, I'll tell u 2 things.

1. Add descriptions

2. Get a beta reader.

Rating: 3/10

By AtheScrivener

Keep writing :-)