User : taylor-kristine

Title : The Unexpected

Cover : a wonderful cover. I admired the font style you've used for the title.

Summary : Excellent - a short and crisp summary that tells it all.

Story

'uhh' 'huh' is okay when it's used in dialogues. But in narration, it doesn't look good.

The para with bucket full of ice is in past tense, while other narration is in present tense. A little suggestion here - when you write in present tense, either try to avoid the gist from past, or try to bring it in dialogue or something.

"Before i leave you here to fend for food all lonesome" what are you trying to say in this sentence? Consider rewriting.

"Yea I've a bathroom in my room. Be jealous!" are you addressing the readers here? That's a bad idea.

The info about Carter was thrown in my face. The info is too much at the place you gave. You could have waited until after he is introduced.

Either use "also" or "too". Don't use both in the same sentence.

"Vinny is also ridiculous too" ✖

Negative :

(1) As you've indicated, there are grammatical errors till the last chapter.

(2) Emotional wise, I wish her feelings are bit more elaborated, but it's not too low as well. I could easily connect to the MC, still I expect more, since it is in first person pov.

(3) The other thing is, there is a lack of descriptions about the surrounding at the starting chapters. When Lex is talking to Carter in the second chapter, I thought they were talking in the living room which turned out to be on the grass. And when the MC, reeled her friend to the football court to find Carter, I couldn't envision the football field.

The swing in the middle of the forest is the same. You just say, it's the field, swing and so on, but in writing you can't expect readers to know what you had in your mind. You just have to put them on the paper (in this case, on the page). Descriptions shows the readers, the world you created in your book. The johnny's, the football field or her room is a common thing you'll think you don't need to describe, but think of a reader from a different culture. How'll they envision the above said places? Just saying...

(4) The infos at the first three chapters are out of place which interrupts the flow.

The info about Carter and Vinny should come after you've introduced them as a person. If you dump info at wrong places, it gonna bore the readers.

(5) The punctuation errors - I might be wrong and I'm not being mean here, but I believe you're so lethargic in using punctuations. Let me tell you why. You got the punctuation right in first paragraph n in the next, there is not a single punctuation, except the end period. I faced the problem till the end.

(6) Spacing is really bad in first few chapters, while the later chapters had less spacing problems.

You really should edit the first few chapters - you need them perfect as it'll impress the readers.

(7) Sentence construction : some places I find it difficult to understand like the one I stated above.

Plus :

Characterisation is really well developed, esp that of Lex and Carter. The plot seems promising though there are some cliché corners, i still find the plot intriguing.

POLISH YOUR WORK BY HIRING AN EDITOR.

Rating : 6/10

Happy Writing :-)

By :- Akiprabagar