User name : magicathersnow

Story Name:- Chickpea

Title:- Actually, reading the story so far did not give any insight to
the main plot. Hence I am in darkness about the aptness of the title.

Cover:- A sweet cover. I like it.

Summary:- It is a short and good summary. Just you need to give a
cliffhanger or have to make the readers intrigued to read the story.
This summary does not give that feeling.

Story:- Your story is yet to unleash and show its true colors. So I
did not get much substance to judge. But so far, it is going on a good
note and probably better things will come in the future. Your summary
and your story so far has no similarity. Hence I can conclude that
still it is in the primary stage.

Well, you need to make your storyline and style more interesting. The
writing style is dull- like any other novice writing. You need to be
more innovative and creative on the choice of words and the style of
the story writing.

It has some gross grammatical switches, tense violations, etc. I am
pointing out a few below:

1) Grammar: "Today was the day I would become cool and popular and
everything I was not..." [wrong]

"Today is the day when I am going to become cool, popular and
everything I was not..."

2) Confusing sentence construction: ' "What's your room number," the
girl inquired, motioning for me to come to her side. "284" "Second
floor," she replied. "Thanks," I began to walk towards the elevators."
"No problem, it's kind of pathetic- how lost you all are." I didn't
reply. '

I think it can be written as:

''What's your room number?" The girl inquired, motioning 'at' me to
come to her side.

"Two hundred and eighty four," I replied.

"Second floor," She replied.

"Thanks," I began 'walking' towards the elevators.

"No problem, it's kind of pathetic- how lost you all are."

I didn't reply. '

Like this, if you are omitting the speaker's names, please give the
dialogues in separate lines. Or else, they get messed up as to which
one is of which speaker. Similar problem persists where she mentions
her parents' fights throughout her middle school.

3) Spellings: "forward", not "foreword". "Missed", not "misses" (tense
violation). "Plopped", not "flopped".

4) Confusing sentence: "...hurry back through rush our to open shop."

The story needs an editor to edit the grammatical mistakes. It also
need a little bit of care from your side. First person POV lets you to
be creative on the emotions and feelings of the MC. Please see to
that.

Plot:- Not yet fully revealed. So cannot say much on it. The male lead
did not appear yet too.

Characterization:- So far, the MC seems to be a girl who lives her
life on her own principles. But she is not a badass or a hippie. She is on good terms with both of her
estranged parents. And she seems to follow her heart more than her
brain. Hence, her thoughts and emotions are quite nicely portrayed and placed justifiably.

Rating:- 6.5/10. The story is fresh and completely light hearted. It
can do wonders if the outward appearance is taken care of more. The
story needs creative care and lustre in it. Be innovative with the
arrangement of storyline.

Good Luck!

By : PoisonBish

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