CRISIS OF MY FAITH. / CHAPTER FIVE.

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Even when princess Rhaenyra was too busy being a rebellious force of nature to need assistance, Meliana never got to get a break. She didn't mind it, really nor did she expect to get one. Working came as a natural instinct to her━she found peace in helping in the kitchen, making the princess' bed and running around the castle to pass on messages.

Getting a break never even passed her mind, until she was, quite rudely, forced to have one.

The silver-haired princess wasn't around so Meliana decided to help as a serving maid. It was a decision she regretted as soon as one of the women of the kitchen handed her a big tray with breakfast for at least two people and told her to go to the Hand's Tower to deliver it to Otto Hightower himself, who had requested a private breakfast with his daughter. The Hand of the king was the one person Meliana didn't feel comfortable around ever since he stated he knew about her illegitimacy, but on the other hand, he had yet to act upon his knowledge of the fact. Maybe she was being way too distrustful for no reason, maybe her years away from the comfort of family made her too much of a cynic to see the kindness in other people.

The Tower of the Hand was not a place she often visited. Rhaenyra herself rarely visited it, despite her close friendship with Alicent. Meliana had noticed that the two had slightly drifted apart and though she was curious as to know why, she knew better than to try and pry. Out of pure pettiness, part of her was happy to see that friendship slowly dissolving. She wasn't sure why; but she was starting to think that jealousy played a part in it. Besides, when Alicent was not around, Rhaenyra was most likely to treat Meliana like her. It was the closest thing she would ever get to being treated as a noble lady and she enjoyed it. She really enjoyed it, the thought of being the one who got served instead of the one who served. The one who got taken care of instead of the one who took care of others.

Meliana got past the tower's empty Small Hall, ignoring the way her hands slightly trembled at the idea of facing Otto Hightower and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Alicent sitting by herself, her brown eyes now focused on the servant girl. She gave her a small, strangely melancholic smile, and a nod. Meliana looked around, half expecting the Hand of the King to appear from the shadows of the small part of the room that the sun couldn't reach. "The Hand requested a private breakfast," she decided to explain, not really knowing how to proceed since the man wasn't there.

"Yes, you can leave the tray down," Alicent nodded, her reddish brown hair left down, barely brushed and not in a careful and elegant hairdo like she was usually seen in. As Meliana caught sight of her, she couldn't help but notice the melancholy in Alicent's slumped shoulders and distant gaze. A blush rushed to Alicent's pale cheeks as she realized she was still in her nightgown, indicating that she had recently awakened and didn't relish being seen in such an unkempt state. "My, um, father... we were supposed to have breakfast together this morning, but I'm afraid his duties once again keep him away from enjoying the simplest of things."

Meliana believed she was quite good at reading people. She believed that was how she was able to get so close to the princess, how she was able to mostly stay out of trouble during her stay at the Red Keep. So when she raised her head to look at Alicent Hightower, no amount of masking her feelings could stop the handmaiden from realizing how much her own words upset her. The expression on her face was quite familiar to Meliana; in fact, she had seen it in the reflection of a mirror many times. The daughter of the Hand was lonely.

"Oh," Meliana said softly, the smile she always faked when in the presence of nobility dropping slightly. "I apologize, my lady. Is there... anything I could do for you?"

Alicent paused for a moment, her eyes looking anywhere but Meliana's face, almost as if she was nervous to speak her mind, even though the girl couldn't understand why she would feel that way. After a moment of silence, she finally found the courage to look her in the eyes. "Actually, Meliana, would you... would you care to join me for breakfast?" Meliana noticed that, once again, the Hightower girl was picking her fingernails, though she probably thought it wasn't obvious. "I admit I do not have much of an appetite and I would hate for all of this food to be wasted," she added.

Alicent's invitation hung in the air, but Meliana found herself speechless for a few seconds. She had never been invited to eat with someone, not even princess Rhaenyra, with whom she spent most of her day. She would not allow herself to eat with the princess even if she was invited, of course. She took the rules and the protocol she had to follow seriously, not wanting to give anyone excuses to single her out from the rest. But Alicent inviting her to eat with her sounded like an offer she couldn't refuse, even more so because she already had a few suspicions about her she needed to confirm.

And maybe, just maybe, she genuinely wanted to spend some time with the girl. Alicent looked like she wanted a friend and Meliana seemed to befriend all the wrong people anyways, so how could she say no?

"I would be honored, my lady, if you're sure you do not mind," Meliana said politely.

Alicent smiled a little and nodded. "I am sure." She gestured to the couch opposite to the one she was sitting on, behind the small table where the tray was. "Please, sit."

With no hesitation, Meliana sat on the floor, making sure to be on her knees to reach the table's height. Alicent looked down at her in confusion. "I wouldn't want to cause a mess," the handmaiden explained, nodding towards the baked goods on the tray. The idea of breaking the rules to eat breakfast with the Hand's daughter just to end up leaving crumbs on the floor was almost terrifying.

Alicent's eyes widened a little. "Oh," she said and seemed to understand what the girl meant. The blood rushed to her cheeks as she mimicked Meliana and sat the same way, close to the table and on the floor.

Meliana panicked, wondering if Alicent took that as some sort of mockery. "I did not mean-"

"I know," the girl cut her off with a small smile. "These kinds of food do leave out a lot of crumbs, however, and my father hates a mess so..."

Meliana wasn't entirely sure if she was actually telling the truth or not, but decided not to keep pushing the conversation. Alicent took a plate of pastries in front of her, leaving the honey cakes for Meliana as if she had somehow sensed that it was her weakness. Meliana was reluctant to eat in front of the other girl, just then realizing how awkward she felt to do something like that, but she ended up getting over herself. The first bite of the cake was enough to bring a small smile to her face.

Alicent raised an eyebrow curiously when she noticed her. "Are they that good?" she asked.

"It's just that honey cakes remind me of my father," Meliana replied, the nostalgia clear in her expression. "It is strange how sometimes the smallest things remind us of specific people."

Alicent nodded, although her eyes now seemed a little sad. Maybe she thought of something similar or maybe she just remembered Meliana's father was dead. "Were you close with your father, Meliana?" she asked, but her mind seemed to be elsewhere.

"I was," she said. "I am-was-his only daughter. He always wanted a daughter, apparently, so he often showed some favoritism. I hadn't really noticed that until it was pointed out to me," she added, admitting the truth as she was reminded of Criston's words. "He was a good man. A family man."

Alicent nodded. "It sounds like you had a good childhood, then," she says, pleased with the idea. "I can only imagine that adjusting to your new role here at the Red Keep was not very easy."

"It certainly comes with its challenges," Meliana said, thinking of having to live with Sanah and her insufferable clique. "But I have learnt to see the good in unpleasant people and unpleasant situations. At least, I try to do so-it is one of the things my father has taught me... more of a survival tactic than anything, really."

Alicent nodded. "Was your father the one that sent you here as a servant?" she asked. Despite the nature of that question, she didn't seem to be mocking or implying something other than what she was asking. Meliana nodded. "He sounds like an intelligent man," Alicent said with a polite smile. "To have a daughter serving the Targaryens is an honor unlike any others."

While she was talking, Meliana had practically (and shamelessly) emptied the plate of honey cakes. "He sent me here because he wished for me to have a good life, a life where I would not have to find myself in a loveless trade of a marriage," she said.

The thought of ending up like that, a wife for some miserable man to breed and then throw away, had always been upsetting for both her and her father. He believed, perhaps naively, that Meliana was worth more than that. Ending up as a servant was by no means a brilliant alternative, but at least she would be somewhere safe and somewhat free. It was all a father could hope for his daughter.

"As good-intentioned and admirable your father's notions sound, they are somewhat unconventional," Alicent said. "I believe marriage is our responsibility to our family as daughters. Sometimes it is a blessing in disguise and sometimes it can be a... sacrifice for the good of your House."

Her words, paired with the memories of helping Alicent sneak to the King's room after his wife's death and the memory of Otto Hightower blackmailing to keep that interaction a secret, were enough to confirm the suspicion Meliana had. At first, she thought it would be ridiculous to even think that the Hand of the King would be trying to offer his own daughter as a potential wife for King Viserys. But still, she knew that Otto wouldn't have bothered to find out about Meliana's secret illegitimacy if he wasn't desperate to force her to keep her mouth shut. Because if the word went out that the Hand was trying to push a marriage between his daughter and the King, securing his House's power for the rest of the time, then he would have found himself in a lot of trouble.

"I suppose you are right, my lady," Meliana said after a while. She tried not to look at her in the eyes as she continued speaking. "That is, if one considers their House's power and influence to be more important than the good of the members that consist of it."

From the corner of her eye, she noticed Alicent tense up a bit at her hint. "Indeed," she said. "You seem like a wise person despite your age, Meliana. I admire that."

Despite the conversation slowly derailing into something bigger, Meliana couldn't help but feel a little flustered at the compliment. "That... that means a lot coming from you, my lady," she said, feeling the blood rushing to her cheeks and hoping that Alicent wouldn't notice it.

"I find you to be trustworthy as well," Alicent added. "That night, you made a promise to me that you wouldn't tell anyone about meeting me. And, as far as I know, you have not broken that promise."

She wondered if Otto Hightower had told his daughter about Meliana being a bastard. Even if he had, Alicent didn't seem to look at her differently. That was a good sign. "I have not betrayed your trust," Meliana agreed. "Although I admit I do not particularly enjoy keeping things from the princess. Her grace has been incredibly good to me and I am very thankful for her kindness and protection over the years."

Nothing about what she told Alicent was a lie. Keeping that a secret from Princess Rhaenyra could potentially cost her everything and yet, she hadn't told her anything. Even at that moment, when she had fully figured out the Hightowers' plan, she wasn't planning to tell Rhaenyra about it. Meliana never wanted to get involved in the business of the Targaryen family, fully aware of how dangerous that would be and she knew better than to cross Otto Hightower after he had uncovered her secret. Despite her father's death and her estrangement to most of her family, she still had a place in her heart for House Cole and she would never wish to hurt their reputation and image, much less her father's.

"I also care about princess Rhaenyra a lot," Alicent said. She seemed a little conflicted between making herself appear intimidating and making herself appear sweet and naive. "More than I could ever explain to you. But I recognize that sometimes to protect your loved ones it is better to keep some things hidden."

Like my illegitimacy, Meliana thought. If Alicent knew about it, she had chosen the perfect way to remind her of it. And if she had indeed chosen that way of phrasing because she knew of Meliana's secret, then the handmaiden had to admit that the girl in front of her was much more similar to her calculating father than she appeared to be.

"Is that what your father believes, my lady?" Meliana asked.

Alicent hesitated, her expression twitching as she truly thought about it. "It is what I believe," she answered. She was still making her fingernails bleed and that was enough to make Meliana think she wasn't being entirely truthful.

"Is this also what King Viserys believes?"

Alicent's face dropped and it sent a wave of guilty pride over Meliana's body. "I- I would never be as audacious as to speak for the king," she said after a moment of silence. A moment that sent the clear message that the handmaiden knew far more than she let on.

That sort of power... it felt good. Better than it should.

Meliana nods. "I understand," she says. "I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable, my lady."

"No, I am the one who should be apologizing, Meliana," Alicent said, getting up. It wouldn't be far-fetched to assume she was starting to realize how much of a mess she had found herself tangled in. "I am grateful for your company, but I'm afraid I have kept you off your duties for too long. I would not want to get you into trouble."

How kind of you, Meliana thought mockingly. She stood up as well and straightened her back, turning back to the way she was before; merely a naive handmaiden who followed the protocol and had no intentions other than serving her superiors. "Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of your company, my lady," she said politely. She took the tray back to her hands, now the plates being mostly empty after the two girls had their breakfast and turned away to leave.

"Meliana?" Alicent asked softly. Her tone surprised the girl-she truly thought she had ruined any chance of being able to count on the Hightower girl's kindness after she made it so clear that she had figured out the Hand's plan. As much as she would hate to make an enemy out of someone she liked so much, it seemed inevitable. And yet, Alicent didn't look like she hated her or wanted to hurt her in any way. "I... I would appreciate it if everything we said today stayed between us," the redhead said.

"You do not need to worry about this, my lady," Meliana smiled in spite of herself. "Lately I have gotten quite good at keeping secrets."

✷ happy pride month!! dont know what else to say, except that meliana is such a little shit and i fully understand why rhaenyra is so in love with her. (also i think its so funny that alicent is a known bastardphobe and she'll eventually fall in love w meliana... who is in fact a bastard. funny how life works when im the one controlling it)

✷ let me know your thoughts and let me know if you have any predictions ?? im very curious to see if you have any ideas on where the plot is going to go

anyways thank you for reading <3