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𝖎𝖛. familiarity of loneliness

CRISIS OF MY FAITH. / CHAPTER FOUR.

Meliana found herself genuinely excited when the day of the declaration of the heir arrived. The entire castle buzzed the whole day, frantic whispers amongst the staff over the news of princess Rhaenyra being named Heir━for the first time, a woman instead of a man, a daughter instead of a son. Meliana never thought she would live to see the day when men would put a woman in the Iron Throne; it almost sounded like a joke. Some agreed with the king's decision, some didn't, but at the end of the day, none of their opinions mattered.

Meliana thought it was fascinating. How history could be changed in such a fast, simple way.

(She should have known better. They all should have.)

Perhaps it was the first time she was looking at the princess with such admiration. She entered the room quickly, bringing forth the dress that the Targaryen would wear. It was a red one, complimenting the colours of her house and her pale skin tone. She quickly noticed they were alone in the bedroom, which wouldn't be weird under normal circumstances and considering how Meliana often found herself in private with Rhaenyra. But a small, perhaps paranoid part of her was still stressing over her meeting with Otto Hightower—if Rhaenyra found out about what had been said between them, she wouldn't be as forgiving as she normally was.

The princess' hair was already made by a different handmaid. Rhaenyra's lips got upturned as Meliana showed her the dress. "It's beautiful," she said. She's glowing with happiness and what the girl could only assume was pride.

"You need to look beautiful during such an important time, your grace" Meliana agreed. "You always do, but what's the most important is to feel beautiful."

The future Queen of the Realm wouldn't even undress herself. Meliana did everything for her, even the bits a girl the princess' age was fully capable of doing herself and the handmaiden treated her differently than she would treat herself. She made sure she was being gentle and soft around the princess, thinking that perhaps that erased the roughness that she treated herself with. The sharp edges, she kept them hidden and reserved only for herself. She always looked very comfortable being taken care of, being pampered. After all, that was how she was raised.

And Meliana━who had realised she could only get butterflies when she looked at other women, instead of men━thought she should feel some kind of excitement as she undressed the princess. She should be feeling something. Like she had some kind of power; the Targaryens were said to be closer to gods than humans and there she was, a mere mortal, a hopeless bastard seeing a goddess in her most vulnerable state.

And yet, she found herself feeling absolutely nothing. It was no secret that princess Rhaenyra was stunning. Objectively breathtaking, even. But maybe that was why Meliana couldn't feel anything but stoic admiration for her; gods were meant to be worshipped, not loved.

Meliana caught the princess looking at her through the mirror with a small smile on the corners of her lips. A dangerous one. Her father had once joked that if one ever saw a dragon smiling, they should run the other way. She once believed he was talking literally━once again, she should have known better.

"I always feel beautiful when I'm around you, Meliana," she said, her tone gentle as if she hadn't just shattered a wall that should have never been tampered with.

Meliana felt a lump in her throat, but she didn't let it be shown. "You certainly know how to make a woman feel special," she deflected, not really knowing how else to respond. Her cheeks felt hot and she prayed it wasn't too obvious.

Turn around and leave, she thought to herself. Before it's too late.

But it already was and she could see it from the stars reflecting on Rhaenyra's purple eyes. At that moment, Meliana knew she must have been a great actress if she had managed to get a princess to fall in love with her.

Rhaenyra turned to face her. Her rosy cheeks, identical to her own. "You are special," she said, her hands touching the handmaiden's. Meliana had to fight the urge to flinch. "I know it must be difficult for you to believe it... that someone like me would care for someone like you so much, but it is true. You are special to me, Meliana. And I want you to know that I have always been sincere when it comes to you."

The handmaiden gulped at the word; sincerity. She didn't know if she even had the capability to be genuine with someone. Years of hiding behind walls she had put up herself had resulted in thick skin and a facade that she never allowed anyone to see through. It wasn't easy, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

Meliana had always been expecting the worst out of people like Rhaenyra; perhaps that was why she immediately dismissed everything the silver-haired beauty said and got stuck in that one word. Sincerity. Her conversations with both Otto Hightower and his daughter came in mind. Sincerity. She was told━no, warned━to never tell anyone. But what if Rhaenyra had somehow found out and was simply taunting her, messing with her brain to find out the truth?

Meliana refused to be manipulated.

She realised Rhaenyra had pulled her hands back, no longer touching hers, and looked at her slightly confused, maybe even disappointed. Meliana wondered how long had she been silent. "I am honoured to be able to call the heir to the Iron Throne a good friend," she replied, forcing a smile on her dry lips. "Your friendship means a lot to me, your grace. You will be a good queen one day; you deserve everything that is coming your way."

Rhaenyra smiled, though with much more hesitation compared to before. "Thank you, Meliana."

"You are ready. How do you feel?"

"Nervous," the princess said. The fire in her eyes told a different story. "But excited. Do not think of me as naive, I am well aware of the doubts people have already placed on me. Most people want me away from the throne, replaced by a son or a brother."

"Does that not scare you?"

"Scare me? No," Rhaenyra scoffed. "What would I need to be afraid of?"

"I don't know, your grace," Meliana shrugged, even though she had a few good guesses. "As the heir, won't you need special protection now?"

The princess took a moment to think. "Now that you mention it, my father has been insistent that I choose a replacement for Ser Ryam."

Meliana almost scared herself with how fast she came up with a plan. But before she could put it in motion, Ser Harrold knocked on the door of the room. Rhaenyra straightened her back. "I think it's time to go now," she said and Meliana nodded. "I will see you later."

She turned her back, but Meliana cleared her throat. "Rhaenyra?"

The name sounded foreign coming from her. It was the first━and probably, last━time she found it in her to get the nerve to call the princess by her name. Had it been heard by anyone else around them, she would most likely face a severe punishment for her audacity. But at that moment, it was just the two of them.

Rhaenyra looked surprised, but amused, as if she had finally gotten something she had been yearning for. "Yes, Lia?"

The girl smiled. "Congratulations."


















Meliana always walked behind Rhaenyra, even when the Targaryen princess tried to convince her to walk beside her. She was supposed to choose the knight to replace Ser Ryam in his position in the Kingsguard that day and everyone, including Ser Harrold who was accompanying her, seemed curious as to why the princess ordered for her handmaiden to come with her. It seemed like the past few days had found the two girls even more inseperable than before, mainly because of Rhaenyra wanting her company even for the simplest tasks.

Meliana didn't complain, but even if she could, she would not. There was something empowering about being the princess' constant company. But it was also rather dangerous━she could feel Otto Hightower's eyes on her, haunting her like a ghost.

Rhaenyra wasn't in the finest mood. Apparently, her ideas had been dismissed by the men of the small council, including her father. Meliana comforted her, but it turned out she was too cynical to actually be of any help. "What did you expect?" she had told her. "They are men. They will always think they know better." The princess' scowl was enough proof that she never actually wanted Meliana's opinion━what she did want was reassurance, even if it was fake. 

Meliana should have known better. What the princess wants to hear, she shall hear.

The Targaryen princess had to stand in a footstool to properly take a look at the knights. Meliana was behind her, barely able to see the men herself. But even then, her eyes immediately focused on her half-brother, Criston, who was in the line. He looked like he had fixed his armour after the tourney and Meliana was thankful he had. It would make her job of convincing Rhaenyra to pick him easier. 

"Son of Ser Royce Caron, Ser Desmond has proved strong and steady in both the tourney lists and without," Ser Harrold announced. "While traveling through the Kingswood on his way to King's Landing, Ser Desmond recently brought a wouldbe poacher to justice."

The Hand of the King, who had been there for a while despite Meliana not noticing him, cleared his throat when the princess spoke no words. "You might thank him for his leal service, Princess," he said quietly.

Rhaenyra faked a smile, even though her indifference towards Ser Desmond was obvious. "We thank you for your loyal service to The Crown, ser."

"Ser Rymun Mallister," Ser Harrold announced once the previous knight took a step back. "Son of Lord Lymond Mallister of Seagard. Winner of the melee at Cider Hall. He was the last mounted of three and twenty knights. Ser Rymun was knighted at eight and ten."

"Do any of these knights have combat experience?" Meliana asked, quietly enough so she would only be heard from the people in the balcony. 

Otto Hightower's eyes narrowed towards her, but before he could reprimand her for the nerve of speaking her mind, the princess spoke. "Meliana is right. Is there anyone with experience beyond capturing poachers, Ser Harrold?"

The old man sighed. "Ser Criston Cole," he said, glancing at the handmaiden. Her brother took a step forward, until he was in the centre of the circle. "Son of the steward of the Lord of Blackhaven."

Rhaenyra smiled down at him and Meliana tried to hide her happiness at how well her plan was working. "Be welcome, Ser Criston. If I'm not mistaken, you saw combat in the Stormlands. Is that right?"

"Dornish marches, Princess," her brother replied. She could not see him, but she recognized his voice nonetheless. "I fought for a year as a foot soldier against the Dornish incursions. Ser Arlan Dondarrion knighted me after we razed two of the watchtowers along the Boneway."

Rhaenyra and Meliana exchanged a look. The handmaiden tried not to show how desperate she was for the princess to choose her brother, but her eyes betrayed her feelings anyway. She wasn't doing it out of malicious intent━all she wanted was to have someone she could talk to in the castle, someone hers. Someone she could trust. Her brother, her blood.

Rhaenyra looked cocky as she turned to look at Ser Harrold. "I choose Ser Criston Cole."

Otto, once again, cleared his throat. "Let's not be too hasty, Princess," he said. "I am aware Ser Criston is your handmaiden's brother and there's no doubt he is a fine warrior, but houses such as Crakehall and Mallister are important allies of The Crown. Seagard, for instance, is the realm's prime defense against reavers from the Iron Islands."

"Those men are tourney knights," Rhaenyra argued. "My father should be defended by a man who's known real combat. Should he not?"

After having been dismissed before, there was a dangerous edge in her voice and the Hand knew better than to keep pushing her. "Of course, Princess."

"Well, let us plan Ser Criston's investiture then."

Meliana took a step forward. "Could I- Princess, would you mind if I took a few minutes to talk to my brother?" 

"Go ahead," Rhaenyra nodded. "I do not suppose there is a problem with that, is it my Lord?" she asked Otto. Oh, she was enjoying messing with him more than she should and that much was quite apparent to everyone who could see their interactions.

The Hand managed a strained smile. "Of course not."

Meliana did not waste any time before making her way down the stairs. The rest of the knights were dismissed, but Criston was waiting there, looking like he still couldn't believe what had happened. She could easily imagine how significant that moment was for him━were their father alive to see his son making it in the Kingsguard, he would be ecstatic. The highest of honours for a family as small and relatively insignificant as the Coles. Meliana could almost see the wide grin on her father's wrinkled face.

Criston sent a smile her way and enveloped her with a quick hug, the cold of his armour sending shivers down her spine. "I am very happy for you," she told him once she pulled away. "Father would have been very proud."

His smile dropped slightly, but he didn't let it be shown. "I would hope you had nothing to do with the princess' decision," he said, half-jokingly. 

"How much influence do you think a mere handmaiden like me has?" Meliana said, though perfectly aware that she had affected Rhaenyra's decision.

Criston chuckled good-naturedly. "I suppose we'll be seeing a lot more of each other from now on," he said and the girl nodded. The man squeezed her shoulder gently, his features softer than she had ever seen them. "I am glad we will. I imagine it will be somewhat relieving to finally have someone in the palace that has your back."

Meliana remembered her conversation with Otto and the vaguely threatening way he spoke to her. "Will you?" she asked quietly. "Have my back, I mean?"

"You are my sister," Criston answered; It seemed to be enough of an answer for him. "Why are you asking? Have you found yourself in trouble?"

She thought of telling him about the whole thing. About Otto finding out about her illegitimacy, about him basically blackmailing her to keep a secret from the princess, a secret that could potentially put her life in danger. About Alicent Hightower's suspicious behaviour regarding the King. About Meliana's constant stress over getting sacked. 

Ultimately, she decided against it. It was comforting to know she'd have someone to rely on, but after spending so much time in her own, Meliana had grown comfortable with her loneliness. At the end of the day, she trusted no one as much as she trusted herself. 

"No," she finally said. Criston's brows were furrowed, like he wasn't entirely convinced, but he didn't continue the conversation. "Everything is fine."














✷ chapter summary: rhaenyra tries to make a move, meliana wishes there was a hr department to report her to but then realises she can manipulate and gaslight rhae into picking her brother so she wont be so lonely. (it succeeds bc meli is a girlboss). next chapter will be all about meliana and alicent, so get ready for some pure gay panic. melicent will eventually thrive, trust me.

✷ also im sorry for the late late update, but i did kinda lose motivation and was trying to push through exam season. but i really appreciate anyone who stuck around to keep reading the story, your support means everything. let me know your thoughts about how the story progresses and about the character dynamics, i love reading your comments !!

any predictions on what will happen next?


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