CRISIS OF MY FAITH. / CHAPTER ONE.

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Children have always been meant to suffer for their parents' sins or so Meliana realised when she found out her name was the last word her dying father ever spoke.

The letter informing her of Derron Cole's passing came early in the morning. Three years had passed since the last time she saw him-it was before his skin turned abnormally pale, his hair fell out and his teeth got decayed. Back then, he was the same man that read her fairytales to sleep and secretly passed her honey cakes under the table whenever they had a food she didn't like. In a sick, heart-rotting way that filled her eyes with tears of guilt, she was glad she wasn't around to see him in his last moments. She was free to remember him as he would want to be remembered.

As soon as she saw her half-brother's handwriting, she knew what the letter was about. Criston rarely wrote to her, making efforts to communicate with her only when it came to her namedays or updates on their father's health. He was, after all, much older and too busy serving as a footsoldier in border conflicts with Dorne to care about the bastard daughter of his neglectful father. Meliana did not mind the distance between them; if anything, she was content with hearing from him once in a while rather than never, just to make sure he was still alive.

Amongst the rather cold tone of his writing, he informed her that he would compete in the Heir's Tournament, after which he would like to see her so they could discuss the matter of their father's will. Meliana felt her palms get sweaty at the thought of a possible confrontation between the two-as a bastard-born, she was bound to be left nothing of true value. Then again, Derron Cole was known for his disregard for customs; after all, he was an adulterer who decided to let his illegitimate child into his house and raise it as his own.

Usually Meliana was not one to cry. Her father liked to joke that she didn't even cry when she was born; though that would be impossible to know, since no one that had witnessed her birth was alive to tell the tale of it. In any case, the girl knew better than to cry over spilled milk or dead relatives. Her tears would not bring her father back or reverse the time to relive her best memories of him. Her tears would only do her work more difficult than it had to be.

As a handmaid, part of her job was to be the carpet the princess could wipe her expensive shoes on. She needed to be delightful enough to keep the Realm's Delight happy, she needed to follow her around ready to obey her every wish. If Rhaenyra Targaryen wished for Meliana to jump, the girl could only smile and ask How high? Perhaps it was naive or extremely cynical, but Meliana believed it was a fair exchange for what she got from it. Living at the Red Keep amongst the most powerful people in the world was worth the minor pain fake smiles caused her. It had to be.

So despite the image of her father's slowly decomposed dead body six feet underground, Meliana put on her best smile and entered the princess' bedroom.

"Good morning, princess!"

At the sound of her voice, she heard a groan and saw a blonde head disappearing under her covers. It was their daily routine by that point-Meliana pulled the curtains, welcoming the sunlight into the room as the princess started her everyday whining.

It was not a common phenomenon for a princess and her handmaid to be as comfortable around each other as those two were. Meliana took credit for that-she had perfectly designed herself to be more than just a servant, but rather a friend to the King's daughter. It was easy for a sheltered kid like Rhaenyra to get attached to Meliana, since they were close to age and they were always around each other anyways. That came with its responsibilities and duties, but it also came with luxuries a common girl like Meliana would have never seen otherwise.

Being the princess' close friend, while also being a bastard servant? That was the peak of what Meliana believed she could achieve in her life.

Rhaenyra still refused to get out of her covers, which was why Meliana rolled her eyes as she pulled them away from the princess. "You're the bane of my existence, Meliana," she complained.

"I'm sorry, your grace, but I'm following your own request from last night."

Rhaenyra sat up, her back against the frame of her bed. She looked ethereal in the most inhumane way possible, even though she had just woken up. "What if I change my order into you letting me sleep a little more?" she asked, the shadow of a smile on her lips.

"I would know better than to obey," Meliana said. She knew that speaking like that to the King's daughter would earn her a swift death if anyone else was present, but at the same time, she knew that's what Rhaenyra wanted and what she shall get.

"How do you know me so well?" the princess chuckled as she rubbed her eyes.

"Because," It's my job, "You're my friend, your grace."

What Rhaenyra wanted to hear, she shall hear.

Getting the princess ready was a relatively easy task, especially due to her need to feel independent, which led Meliana to mostly stand aside and watch. The only thing she actually enjoyed doing was brushing her hair-it fell on her lap like liquid gold. Meliana took the brush and gently straightened the fair blonde hair of the princess, as she was talking by herself about something related to her dragon, Syrax.

"The feeling of flying on a dragon is the greatest thing a human can experience," Rhaenyra said once Meliana was done. "Wouldn't you agree?"

"I have never done it."

"Would you like to?"

Her eyes gleamed with a dangerous spark that Meliana knew all too well. Rhaenyra was a firecracker, a strong-willed girl that believed the world was hers to crack and change and ignored that the same wasn't possible for people like Meliana. Perhaps her ignorance was the product of her privileged upbringing, perhaps it was the product of carelessness that would one day cost her much more than a lecture from her father.

Meliana shook her head. "I am afraid that would not be allowed."

"If you want to," Rhaenyra said and took a step closer to her to hold her hand, "I can make it happen. No one would give you a hard time for it, I swear. You are under my protection and thus my father's."

The naivety of her pretty purple eyes reminded her of her father and it was enough to make her pull her hand away and lower her gaze. "I am sorry, my princess. I do not want to be the cause of an argument between you and the King."

It was hard to miss the disappointment that flashed across Rhaenyra's face. She clenched her jaw and nodded. "Very well. Perhaps you're right," she said. "I am going for a ride. You should come with me. Alicent will be there as well."

Meliana's heart unwillingly skipped a beat at the sound of the Hightower girl's name. She tried to not show it, her expression remaining neutral despite the rush of excitement she hated herself for feeling. "If you want me to come, I will."

"I expect you to."

She would have to find time to mourn later-once again, duty called.

They made their way to the Dragonpit inside a covered wagon, as several men-at-arms escorted them. While Rhaenyra went outside, a confident smirk as she made her way to her dragon, the other two girls stayed behind. Meliana lowered her gaze, not wanting to be caught staring at the Hightower girl as an eerie silence grew between them, the occasional swooping of dragon wings interrupting it.

"Is everything alright, Meleana?" Alicent suddenly spoke.

The brown-skinned girl bit the inside of her cheek. "It's Meliana, my lady."

"Oh." The redhead sighed and Meliana caught a glimpse of her hands-she was picking her fingernails, a nervous habit resulting in making them bleed. "I- I apologise. It's just that you seem like there is something wrong."

There was a part of her wishing she could tell someone about her father. Alicent Hightower had lost her mother, so she would probably be easy to talk to about the subject. About the way her every thought drifted back to her father on his deathbed, wishing his daughter was there to hold his hand. About the guilt and the pain of not being able to grieve properly. But as a handmaid, she was supposed to keep her personal sob story to herself, as she had such an important job.

"No, no, everything's fine," Meliana lied, despite the lump in her throat. Then her dark eyes drifted on the blood on the girl's fingernails and a protective instinct came over her. "You're bleeding," she said. Without hesitation, she tore a small piece of fabric from the sleeve of her dress and moved next to her. She took her hand and rested it on the top of her lap as she wiped the scarlett colour off her slender fingers.

"Thank you," Alicent said after clearing her throat.

"You shouldn't do this, my lady," Meliana said as she wrapped the fabric around the wound. "You're only hurting yourself." Their eyes met for a second and her heart fluttered inside her chest.

Alicent was the one to avert her gaze first. "It is a nervous habit," she muttered. "Most of the time I do it unconsciously."

"What are you nervous about?"

"There are certainly a lot of things on my mind lately," the girl said. Her expression betrayed a level of mistrust-just like Meliana, she decided not to open up about her problems. "I heard your older brother is going to make an appearance in the Heir's tournament. I assume you haven't seen him in a while, have you?"

"I have not left the princess' side in three years, my lady," Meliana said. No one but her family knew about her being a bastard and yet, everytime someone referred to Criston as her brother, she had the urge to specify that they were only half-siblings.

"So much time away from your family... I don't think I could ever do it."

"In times of need, we find ourselves with strength we never expected to have," the handmaiden said and slightly smiled, but she was met with the serious expression of the Hightower girl. "If I could, I'd do it all over again."

"You show great loyalty towards princess Rhaenyra," Alicent said. There was something strange about her tone, a hint of bitterness that didn't suit her graceful appearance. "It's... nice to see."

"The royal family has been incredibly kind to me," Meliana said. Sometimes it felt exhausting to feel as if she's operating with a script. "Not only are they our rulers, but they're also good people. I'm proud to serve them, and especially our princess."

She wished it didn't sound as mechanic as she felt it was. Nevertheless, Alicent didn't say anything beyond that-she simply nodded, as if satisfied with the answer. And yet, Meliana felt like the girl wanted to hear something different.

The growling of a dragon interrupted any attempt on continuing the conversation, as it meant Rhaenyra was done with her ride. Meliana got out of the wagon, feeling Alicent do the same.

"Try not to look too relieved, ser," Rhaenyra teased Ser Harrold Westerling of the Kingsguard.

"I am relieved," said the man on his horse. "Everytime that golden beast brings you back unspoiled, it saves my head from a spike."

"I trust your ride was pleasant, your grace," Meliana smiled as Rhaenyra made her way back to the wagon.

"Syrax is growing quickly," Alicent said, while staring at the dragon. "She'll soon be as large as Caraxes."

"That's almost large enough to saddle two. Maybe even three," Rhaenyra smirked. "The invitation stands for you two."

Alicent looked between the princess and her handmaiden. "I believe we're both quite content as spectators, thank you."

They all went back inside the wagon, which quickly started moving them back towards the Red Keep. Meliana pulled the cake she had wrapped for the trip and the princess' eyes gleamed with excitement. "Lemon cake?" she asked.

"It is your favourite, is it not, princess?" Meliana said as she gave the cake to the princess. "I have noticed that you get quite an appetite after your rides."

"Well, what would I do without you, monitoring my every move and behaviour?" Rhaenyra teased her servant with an amused smile. She broke a piece, giving it to Alicent, who refused. "It is very good. Did you make this, Lia?"

Lia was what the princess called Meliana when she was especially happy. In her experience, there was no other handmaiden close enough to a royal to get a nickname. It should feel like an honor, but it only reminded Meliana of the very fact that she had absolutely no power in this friendship. It was a gentle reminder that this relationship she had cultivated between herself and the Realm's delight was nothing but a ruse to protect herself.

"No, my princess. I'm afraid your cooks take all the credit. All I did was request it," Meliana said.

"What is that in your pocket?" Rhaenyra asked. Before Meliana could answer, the princess quickly put her hand inside the pocket of her dress and took her brother's letter.

"Your grace-"

"Rhaenyra!" Alicent reprimanded her, but it was to no avail.

The blonde girl opened the letter and her eyes drifted between the words as quickly as possible. Meliana knew better than to grab it back-as much as she wanted to, she valued her hands more than her privacy. Rhaenyra's face fell and her blue eyes darkened. "What does it say?" the Hightower girl asked, suddenly curious as to what could be so terrible to silence the princess.

"Meliana... is your father truly dead?" Rhaenyra asked and Alicent gasped.

The girl lowered her head. "Yes, your grace."

"Cut the typicalities," the princess said. "I am very sorry for your loss. You should have told me... I could give you some time to-"

"You don't have to," Meliana interrupted her, quickly regretting it. "It is my job to serve you and my job has no breaks."

"My handmaidens get no breaks," Rhaenyra agreed. "But my friends do." Meliana nodded, not sure of how to respond. "When we get back to the Red Keep, you will prepare my bath for me, because my mother will surely comment on the smell. And then you'll have the rest of the day free to rest."

"But-"

"It is an order, Meliana," the princess cut her off. "And if anyone has anything to say, they will have to answer to me."

"Thank you, your grace. You are a good friend."

When they finally reached their destination and got out of the wagon, Meliana lowered her head towards princess Rhaenyra as a sign of gratitude. The three girls walked into the Keep, Meliana following behind them. Before she made a turn towards the bathhouse, a hand grabbed her back. She expected to see the princess, but it was Alicent Hightower.

With a sincerely melancholic look, she caressed the handmaiden's calloused hands. "I am truly sorry for your loss, Meliana. May the Father above judge him justly."

"Thank you, my lady," Meliana curtsied and disappeared before the girl could see her eyes filling with tears.

[✷] fellas, is it gay to have a crush on the princess' best friend who has a crush on the princess (the same princess that has a crush on you)? anyways love triangles solo esp when they're sapphic <3