That night I dream about Cricket and Jesse. Cricket is older in this dream, about three-years-old. He doesn't look much like the baby I know, but in the dream I have a certain knowing that this little boy is Cricket. And then Jesse. Jesse looks like he's at death's door, shockingly skinny and sick looking, like a stereotypical junkie.

Cricket is trying to hand something to Jesse, but I can't see what it is. No, not hand him something after all. I can see now he's actually trying to hold Jesse's hand. And Jesse ignores it, again and again.

"Can't you even look at him?" I ask Jesse in the dream.

Jesse turns his eyes to me. They are so dope glazed he barely looks conscious. He's never looked so bad or so sick in all the time I've known him.

"It's too late," he tells me.

"It's not too late. He wants you to acknowledge him," I reply.

"I'm already dead."

As he says this blood begins to trickle out of the veins in his arms and run down onto his hands and in between his fingers. I scream and wake myself up, gasping.

West isn't in the bed. He's standing right outside the room. I know that because I hear his voice, but the door is closed. I listen as closely as I can. There's a female voice talking too. I hear her say,

"When can I see you?"

And West says, "I don't know. Not this weekend, okay?"

"You said I could come any time."

"Somethin' came up with one of my friends. I need to be there for them."

I'm the "friend." That's why he slept so far away last night. I didn't think it was possible for me to feel worse, but it is. My wounds had just started to scab over, and now they're bleeding again.

When West comes back in, he sees that I've already put my shoes back on and now I'm searching for my coat in the closet.

"Whoa, where are you going?" he asks.

I glare at him. "Does she know you kissed me?"

West's face changes colors as he realizes what I heard.

"The truth?" he asks.

"Yeah. The truth. That would be real fuckin' nice, West," I say. "Better late than never."

"We went on one date. I tutored her. I tutor to make money on the side. That and smashing metal at a junk yard. It's not easy getting hired with a felony so I've had to get creative with some side jobs."

"You tutor? What?" I ask, realizing how little I know about him.

It's weird. West and I know each other's darkest secrets, but I don't even know the guy's middle name.

"Calculus. Anyway, I didn't think the date went well, but she does. I can't shake her. She has this final coming up, and I said I could help anytime, but that was before-"

"Forget it. I understand," I say softly.

"But you're still putting on your coat."

"I can't stay here with your girlfriend. The bed isn't big enough," I say.

"She is not my girlfriend," West says with a sigh, pressing his fist against the wall next to the closet.

"Stay," he says as I walk past him.

I pause. "Why?"

"Because... 'cause I have a present for you!"

I stare at him. "What? Why?"

"I saw it and started thinking about you."

"Give it to me later then," I tell him, still stung by what I overheard.

"But if you go you might never come back, and I have no way to reach you, and I'm always scared, Ember... so scared I'll never see you again."

He says that last part so quietly it's barely a mumble. Jesse is always scared when I leave him too, but it's different. He's scared of being abandoned again like when his mom walked out on him, but West is scared because he cares about me. The difference is enormous. The difference makes me stay.

When I turn around, West is crouched down and rummaging through the closet. He finds whatever it is he's looking for and stands up, holding it behind his back.

"It's not much, but I got it so you'd remember why you're working so hard," he says, and he sheepishly hands me a small white box.

Inside of it there's a little porcelain Jiminy Cricket figurine displaying his "Official Conscience" badge proudly.

I can't help laughing. "Clever. I get it. Cricket is my conscience."

"Aaaaaaand, always let your conscience be your guide!" West sings, pumping his arms like chicken wings and turning in a circle.

Beaming, I hold the little figurine until it's warm in my hand, and then I put it in my pocket.

"It's cute. Thank you," I say.

"Why did you name him Cricket? I've always been curious," West asks.

"Trying to distract me from leaving?"

"Maybe. But I am actually curious."

I shrug. "I was barely even conscious when I named him. One of the last things I saw was this cricket in the bathroom with us. Crickets are considered good luck in some cultures, and that's what I thought of. Like Cricket was my good luck."

"Nice. Very unique name."

"Runs in the family I guess. My mom named me Ember after her cigarette ash."

West laughs. "You're joking!"

I shake my head. "Nope."

"Well, I love your name. It's beautiful. Please stay, Ember," West says, suddenly serious again.

"Okay. I'll stay. But we're friends all right? I don't wanna compete with your college girl."

"You're not competing with anyone. Plus you already won first place in that competition months ago."

I blush, taking my coat off.

———————

West makes me breakfast: waffles and coffee. He hands me an entire box of sugar and the whole carton of milk.

"I remember. You're the coffee pussy," he says.

I roll my eyes and start loading my drink up the way I like it. Next he hands me a plate with two syrup smothered Belgian waffles on it, then sits beside me at the rickety table in the small communal kitchen. It's not as clean as West's room, and I can see it's lived in. A pile of dishes sits in the sink, and the side of the table we aren't sitting on is covered with junk mail and homework.

"Do you like your roommates?" I ask curiously, glancing at the closed doors all around me.

West shrugs. "They're all right."

"Not your friends?"

"I don't have a lot of friends anymore. It freaks people out when they find out about my record. I mean, I don't have any friends I can actually be around," he says quietly.

"What does that mean?"

"You know, before prison I hung out with a bunch of junkies, dealers and slutty girls who just wanna blow you for a dime bag. The sober life is a lonely life."

"Not if you meet other sober people."

"Well NA is a risky place to make friends," West says thoughtfully. "Everyone's right on the edge of relapse. I tried at first, but every time I thought I had a friend they'd disappear after a couple weeks and go back to active addiction. After awhile it wasn't worth taking the risk."

"You took a risk on me," I say quietly.

"You were different," he says.

"How?"

"I can read people. I learned how in prison."

"How do you do it?" I ask curiously.

West swallows a bite of waffle and says, "Honestly? It's the eyes. You can see a killer in someone's eyes. You can see evil. Love. Or you can see pain."

"I just see pupils," I say.

"It's behind that. You'll start to see it if you practice enough."

"What do you see in mine?" I ask.

West looks into my eyes for a long time, which makes my face burn. Then he says, "You care more about everyone else than yourself. You're willing to be in pain just so you don't have to make anyone else hurt."

I shrug. "Sorta true."

"It's a good quality. But the bad thing is that people who aren't like you will take advantage of that," West says.

"I don't think Jesse took advantage of me. He just needed to be loved," I say.

"At the expense of your pain. Believe me, Ember, he knows."

I don't say anything else. I don't want West to be right. I still want to believe that what I had with Jesse was real. Otherwise I can't make sense of why I saved Cricket. Everything is tied together in my mind, and I can't get the knots undone.

"You know what I really want?" I ask.

"What?" West asks.

"To meet your dad."

West chokes on a bite of waffle and guzzles down half a glass of orange juice before he can respond.

"Not gonna happen, Ember," he says.

"If I can get Cricket back, you can face him," I say.

"What does that have to do with it?"

"If you bring a girl and a baby, he'll have to talk to you."

West chuckles. "And I suppose I have to say Cricket is mine?"

"Then he'd have to talk to you!"

"You're joking right?"

I shake my head. It had started out as a joke, but now I like the plan.

"Let's do it. Seriously," I say.

West shakes his head, but he's smiling. "We'll see."

"So you'll do it?" I ask excitedly.

"I said we'll see."

"It's not like anything worse can happen between you two, right?"

"Worse can always happen," West says matter-of-factly. "Always."