The next day, the social worker comes to see me. She's young, hispanic, and beautiful. I was expecting someone like that dumpy nurse last night, but I don't see the lines of wear on her face and the heaviness in her eyes that social workers usually have. I come to the conclusion that this woman must be new to the profession. She hasn't burned out yet, which might make her hard to deal with. You can get away with much more when they're tired of this job and all the bullshit it entails. I watched my mom do it. She played them like music.

"Hi, Ember. I'm Soledad Cruz," she says, shaking my hand.

I'm sitting up in my hospital bed eating the lunch one of the nurses brought me; chicken nuggets, rice, a cup of fruit and a chocolate chip cookie. I haven't had food like this in a long time, and I'm eating like a wolf. Hot damn I'm hungry, hungrier than I've ever been, and all I want is meat. It's this vicious and blood-thirsty craving I've never experienced. Usually I want stuff like pizza and chips. Maybe I am a wolf.

"Looks yummy," Soledad says, nodding at my cafeteria tray.

I blush. "I'm really hungry for some reason."

"And you want meat right?" she asks.

"Yeah! How did you-"

"It's because of the blood lost while giving birth. I think so anyway. The iron. The protein. It happened to me the day after my daughter was born, and I ate a triple decker burger in two minutes flat on the way home from the hospital." She laughs, and I chuckle.

"So let's talk about what you can do to regain custody of your son," she says as I start in on my fruit cup.

I nod. My full stomach is fluttery. I feel so nervous like Jesse's right behind me. I haven't thought much about him today because that thought is scary.

"Where is he? The baby?" I ask.

"He's in NICU, withdrawing."

I swallow a bite of peaches and look down at my lap. When she sees I have no comment about that, Soledad continues with fresh (and forced) friendliness.

"First, getting clean. You'll be required to take weekly drug tests over a twelve month period and attend a minimum of 40 Narcotics Anonymous meetings during that time. You'll also be meeting with me monthly. By the end of the year, you will need to be employed full time and have a permanent residence. If you don't meet those requirements, your son will be put up for adoption and your parental rights will be terminated. Do you understand?"

"I've already stopped using," I mumble hopefully, like I'm trying to win back her good graces and not look like the colossal piece of shit I actually am.

"Good. So you shouldn't have any trouble then," she says with a small smile.

Yeah, no trouble at all. Unless Jesse finds out what I'm doing. Then I'm as good as dead. I probably should have died in that bathroom. Who the hell found me anyway, and why? Why didn't they just take the baby and leave me there?

I know withdrawal, and the very thought of it hurts my bones. I think about Cricket screaming in agony as I stuff my face with chicken nuggets, and I really can't stand myself. I'm suddenly not hungry anymore.

"Has Jesse been to see me at all?" I ask Soledad.

She looks at me blankly. "Who?"

"My boyfriend. The father."

She stares.

"Of the baby. The one who brought me."

"No one has been here, and no one brought you," she says softly.

This is a surprise to me. "I just... figured he was the one who found me in the bathroom."

Soledad shakes her head. "That was the cashier from the convenience store. He realized you had never returned the key, and he had a back up set."

So in Jesse's mind, I just disappeared on him. God he must be panicking. He thinks I've left him!

"I've gotta go! I've gotta leave!" I say suddenly, pushing my tray of food away. It's on this little cart with wheels, and the cart slides sideways until it hits the wall at an angle.

"Woah! No! You can't leave yet!" Soledad says, grabbing my shoulders.

"Why?" I ask. I'm already trying to rip out the tape around my IV, which they had to inject into my hand because the veins in my arms suck. It hurts really bad now that I'm messing with it.

"They have to discharge you first!"

"No one even knows I'm here! My friends! They must think I'm-"

"What's the number? We'll call," Soledad says kindly.

"There isn't one!" I cry desperately, and tears start welling in my eyes as I imagine Jesse, Hex, Adam and Gus collectively deciding I must be dead and moving on without me.

"Address?"

"There isn't that either! Well, I mean, there is. Kind of," I say.

"We can send a cop by the house and let your friends know-"

"NO! No cops! Are you crazy?! You can't do that!" I shout.

"Why not?"

I shut up. If I say anything else I'll implicate all of us in several criminal activities including trespassing. I'm in enough trouble as it is.

"Nevermind. Forget it," I say.

They won't discharge me the next day either. They're concerned because I lost so much blood and I'm really weak. I was probably passed out in that bathroom for a good half hour before anyone came. I also have so many stitches I can hardly walk.

I'm bored and restless. I keep thinking about the others, especially Jesse. I can't stand the thoughts I know they're thinking. At best they think I ran off. At worst they think I've been murdered or run over by a car. Either way I know Jesse is in full blown panic mode, and I feel completely powerless.

The one thing I'm allowed to do is wheel myself down to the gift shop on the first level, and I do it as soon as I find out I can that afternoon. A security guard watches the doors to make sure no one escapes though. I also can't buy any food, even if I had money, because I'm a patient. It kills time though.

I like looking at all this cute baby stuff, like starry little blankets and stuffed elephants so soft the fur doesn't even feel real. They're all crazy expensive and not something I could ever buy in this life. Plus it's stupid to imagine buying stuff for Cricket. Not like I'm his mom or anything. Just a damaged vessel that brought him into this life.

It's on one of these trips to the gift shop that I spot Jesse arguing with the lady at the reception desk. He doesn't see me. The lady keeps shaking her head and I see him turn around in frustration to leave. There's this second before he sees me, and his eyes are absolutely frantic, desperate to find me.

And I kinda want to hide.

And I feel pretty bad about that.

"Hey," I say loud enough for him to hear me.

Jesse turns toward the sound and relief floods his face as he sees me. He runs over and falls to his knees in front of my wheelchair and throws his arms around me. I hold him. He's hot and sweaty from being outside.

"We been searchin' every hospital in the fuckin' city! They told me you were here but wouldn't let me see you cause I don't have an ID! I been trying to get in for hours! I was so fuckin' scared, Ember, so-"

"I'm okay," I say softly, "It's okay."

"What happened to you?" He gasps. "I went back to that bathroom and it was full of fuckin' blood! Blood everywhere! Like a horror movie!"

He's crying now. I feel so awful, so shitty all the sudden for what I've done to him. I gently smudge his tears away with my thumbs and take a deep breath.

"Jesse... I have to tell you something."

****************

Jesse and I walk back to the squat that night after I'm finally released from the hospital. I'm nervous because he says nothing. That could mean a lot of things. I try to read his mood, but his face is blank.

If he's going to go crazy, I'd rather just get it over with out here. It's worse in the house because I have to watch Gus curl up with his hands over his ears as he screams and cries. I have to see Adam turn away because he knows I belong to Jesse and he can treat me any way he wants. I have to watch Hex set her jaw and clench her fists but keep her mouth shut.

I've got a lot on my mind, and I know he does too. There wasn't any time to process this, and I'd rather him process it with words... not fists.

"Jesse... can we talk?" I ask tentatively.

The summer night is warm, and bugs create a cacophony of noise around us. Police sirens are faint in the background. It's just like those nights we used to escape to the river and watch the water tumbling over itself to get out of town.

Jesse shakes his head. "Let's go inside."

"I didn't get a chance to really explain-"

"Go inside, Ember. Now," he says softly.

We walk up the long weedy sidewalk to the front door of our crumbling mansion.

Gus meets us at the door grinning from ear to ear. He's holding that ratty stuffed dog. "Ember! Where's the baby? Can I hold the baby? I ain't never seen one! I'll be real careful!"

"We don't have it, retard!" Jesse snaps, pushing him aside.

"He's not a retard," Adam says coldly from the dilapidated sofa on the other side of the room.

"Adam, don't start with me," Jesse says.

"Why don't you have it?" Gus asks, looking behind us like the baby might be hidden there.

"Because we don't! Fuck off, Mouse!" Jesse says.

That's what people call Gus because he's so little.

"You don't gotta be an asshole!" Gus says back.

He goes over and plops down next to Adam. I slink along the wall, my eyes on the floor.

"You okay?"

The voice is Hex's. She's come over to walk beside me.

"I'm still bleeding," I say.

At this, Jesse takes my arm and helps me down the hallway to our room, a loving and gentle gesture to anyone watching. We just make it inside before he grabs my hair and slams me up against the wall.

"Hey! She's still bleeding!" Hex shouts, grabbing at Jesse's arm as he pulls it back for a punch to my face.

He shakes her off and his fist hits my cheek full force. I fly into our one rickety chair, breaking it.

"YOU LIED TO ME!" he screams, drawing back for the second punch.

"I'm sor-"

My own words are drowned out by the shouts around me, and I realize Adam is there with Hex trying to pull Jesse off of me. Jesse grabs my neck with one hand and throws me onto the floor. His eyes are all rage. I can't see him when he's like this. He's just not there.

My only thought is survive. That's always my only thought. Survive this time, this beating. Survive until... until what?

"SHE LIED FOR NINE FUCKING MONTHS!" Jesse shouts as Adam holds him back.

In the hallway, Gus is crouched on the floor with his hands over his ears and that dog over his head, sobbing and saying, "Please stop fighting!"

Hex is helping me to my feet. I feel woozy. My stitches have popped, and I can feel blood running down my thighs.

"Look what you did to her, you asshole!" Hex yells.

"How many of you knew?" Jesse asks coldly, looking around at everyone.

"Me," Gus says softly from the ground.

God that kid is stupid. Loyal, but stupid.

"YOU!" Jesse shouts and goes for him, but Adam blocks his path.

Gus only knew because Gus sees everything about everyone. He's incredibly observant to a creepy degree and he knew long before I started showing. He swore he wouldn't tell anyone else. Hex knew because she's my best friend and I had to tell her. No one else knew. I made sure of that.

"None of us knew!" Adam snaps.

"You made me look like an idiot," Jesse says to me, the hurt beneath his anger finally starting to show.

I lower my eyes.

"How could you do this to me?" he asks softly.

"I don't know," I say.

"You could've easily just got an abortion. I wouldn't have been upset!"

But I didn't want an abortion. I realize it suddenly, and it shocks me. I don't know what to make of the sudden epiphany.

"I hope you're not thinking of trying to get that baby back," Jesse says in a low, threatening voice.

I say nothing. I don't have the guts to tell him I'm getting Cricket back. My silence is all that needs to be said.

"I'm out of here," he says, and he walks away, slamming the front door behind him.

It's not that easy. He'll be back tonight, loaded and looking for me, gentle now, and sorry. Looking for me to forgive him and make it right. But how can I make this right?