West telling me I'm a coward for giving up on Cricket has gotten under my skin, and I can't stop wrestling with the problem. I know I could do this, and do it for real, but I'm facing a major uphill battle when it comes to Jesse. That social worker was clear. I can't live with someone using drugs if I want custody of Cricket. Either Jesse gets clean... or we break up.

I've decided to use Adam's decision to quit meth as a way to bring up the subject with Jesse. I don't dare tell him it's because I'm planning to get Cricket back and force us to become one happy family, whether he wants to or not.

"Why would I get clean?" he asks me, all confused, like it's the dumbest question in the world.

"Well, since I stopped... I can really think a lot better," I say.

It's true. One thing I no longer struggle with is being able to tell dreams from reality like I do when I'm doped up. If I'm on a bender I completely lose touch with what's real and what I've dreamed. Dope dreams are so realistic and mundane they feel like real life, and real life is so dreamy it feels fake. You can live that way for weeks, existing somewhere between sleep and awake.

Jesse shakes his head. He's preparing a shot right now, and I watch the ritual with mild interest, the way the drug bubbles in the spoon with the flame under it. He draws it into the needle through a cotton ball and flicks the syringe a couple times to get the air bubbles out.

"I have no desire to think better," he says. "I would like to not think, in fact. Why all this focus on getting clean all the sudden?"

"It's just better for our future if we quit now. Plus, we could save some money. Look how much we've saved since I stopped!"

"Make this really tight," he says, handing me the shoelace he uses to tie off. I wrap it around his bicep and tie it so tight he gasps.

"Damn, Ember! The fuck is wrong with you? Jesus," he says.

"You said tie it tight," I remind him.

"Yeah but not cut my fuckin' arm off!"

His veins are fine for the most part because he's only recently started shooting. We used to smoke it almost exclusively, but that has stopped being enough for him. Plus, he's started using mostly fentanyl. This is the last stop before death.

"Anyway, we can save a lot of money," I repeat.

Jesse shakes his head. "I don't care about that. We're doing fine day to day."

"Well, it's also better for your health and stuff..."

Jesse laughs, like I'm telling a joke. "You know I don't give a shit about that either, Ember."

"So what do you care about?" I ask, frustrated.

He finds a vein easily and says, "I care about not feeling anything. I care about being in some other reality. That's it. That's what I want."

"What's so bad about our reality that you have to escape it?" I ask.

Jesse presses down on the plunger, and I know he's not going to answer me for awhile because that rush is intense. It doesn't last long though. He closes his eyes for a second, completely lost, and the needle is sticking out of his arm so I remove it and sanitize it with his lighter.

"What did you say?" he asks, finally.

"I said what's so bad about our reality?"

"It's not that bad... This is just... better," he says slowly.

"I really want you to do this with me," I say.

Jesse just says, "Mmhm, baby. Okay. Sure."

"So you will?"

He's nodding out and doesn't answer me. I lift his chin and pat his cheek.

"Hey, Jesse? Come on, wake up."

He opens his eyes, and they're glazed, his pupils the size of sharpened pencil tips. "Huh?"

"Get clean with me?" I ask hopefully.

"'Kay sure," he says softly, but I can tell he doesn't know what he's agreeing to. He just wants me to shut up so he can enjoy being high.

Defeated, I leave him to it.

Adam is still depressed but cries maybe every other night instead of every night now, and he's a lot more fun to be around now that he's in his right mind. I decide to hang out with him because everyone else is gone and Jesse's on the nod.

"Hey, can that board help me figure something out?" I ask him.

Adam looks up from writing in his notebook. "The ouija?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe. What do you need to figure out?"

"How to convince Jesse to get clean with me," I say.

Adam starts laughing. "You gotta be fuckin' kidding me."

"I'm serious! Come on," I say, sitting down beside him on the couch.

"Why?"

"So I can get Cricket back and we can get our lives together."

"Well the board isn't gonna answer that. It would answer something like, 'is he ever gonna get clean?' Or something like that," Adam says.

"So can I ask it?"

"Be my guest," he says, digging in his bag.

"Do it with me? It freaks me out," I say.

"Okay. Put your finger on this," he says, and he puts the board on his knees and his finger on the planchette. I do the same.

We wait. Adam says by taking this pause we are letting the spirits know we want to communicate. Then he says,

"Ask your question."

"Will Jesse ever get clean?" I ask.

The answer is quick and to the point: NO.

Adam laughs. "Told ya."

"Will I ever get Cricket back?" I ask.

Just as fast: YES.

"With Jesse?"

NO.

"Why not?" I ask.

"It probably won't answer that," Adam mumbles, but the planchette is moving.

It slowly spells out, "D. E. A. T. H."

"Are you doing that, Adam? It's not cool," I say.

He shakes his head. "I swear, Ember. I wouldn't say that to you. Oh that reminds me, you wanna see somethin' creepy I figured out the other day?"

I shrug.

"How old will I be when I die?" he asks the board.

The planchette replies: 17.

"How old will Jesse be when he dies?" he asks this time.

"No!" I say, but the piece has already moved.

"21."

That means Jesse will be dead in less than three years.

"That was an asshole thing to do!" I snap at Adam.

"What? I had already asked it about me. Either it's wrong or I'm dead this year. It can be wrong, you know, so don't worry too much about it."

Tears have filled my eyes. Three years.

"Sorry, Ember. I didn't know it would say that. I really didn't. Hex got like, 86 as her answer. Gus got somethin' like that too. I just thought it was funny it says I'm gonna die this year."

"Funny?"

"Yeah! I mean, I don't believe it! Sometimes spirits like to fuck with us humans. I thought it would make you feel better to see it can be wrong or lie to you sometimes."

"Well it didn't!" I say, swiping at my tears.

"I'm sorry, Ember. I didn't think it would make you upset," he says, and he wraps his arm around my shoulders.

"Did you ask it when I would die?" I ask softly.

"Nah, but we can if you want."

"No. Hell no," I say.

That's something I really don't want to know, and I can't imagine why anyone else would want to either. Even if it is all a lie.

"You wanna know anything else?" Adam asks.

I shake my head, and he starts putting the board away. I'm not really in the mood to hang out by myself after all that, so I keep the conversation going.

"Are you happy about being a dad?" I ask him.

Adam lights up like an excited little kid. "Hell yeah I am! It's gonna be fun!"

"Did you have a dad?"

"Nope. Did you?"

"I met him once. Wasn't too impressed."

"I'm gonna be an awesome dad," Adam says confidently.

Since having Cricket I've realized there's a lot more to being a parent than just day dreaming about all the great things you'll do. I don't know what kind of father Adam will be, but I do know he's too young to be ready for all it really means. I don't tell him that though.

"Are you and Hex gonna find a place?" I ask.

"Yep! I started applying for jobs and shit last week. Gonna get our own place, the baby's gonna get its own room, and we'll get married too."

"Do you want a girl or boy?"

Adam grins. "Ah, man... I don't know. I sorta want a daughter, 'cause I used to have a little sister."

"You did?"

"Yeah. Her name was Daisy, and she was two when she died."

I'm shocked by this. I had no idea Adam once had a sister. He hardly ever talks about his family or his past.

"How did she die?"

"My mom was all strung out, passed out, and she found some of her pills and ate all of 'em."

"Oh shit," I say softly.

"Yeah. A lot can go wrong if you're all strung out as a parent. That's why we're both getting clean. I hope Jesse does it too, for you and Cricket."

"Me too," I say softly.

Adam continues. "I was six when Daisy died. Really messed me up. So I want to have a daughter because maybe my sister will reincarnate as her and have another chance. I'm pretty sure she's not earthbound anymore 'cause I stopped seeing her ghost when I was, like, ten or so."

"What makes a ghost earthbound?" I ask curiously.

Adam shrugs. "It happens when a person dies young, unexpectedly, or has something they really wanted to accomplish or finish before they died but didn't get a chance."

I hope he's wrong, or else not only will him and Jesse be dead within five years... they'll be stuck here as ghosts too.