⌜ two ⌟

and as the aftertaste leaves a bitter tinge,
so does the afterglow leave a sweet fringe

TW: panic attacks, physical assault

— x —

IT'S A WICKED, CRUEL THING — how we are never aware of the consequences of our actions until we are finally made sentient, knowing that suffering from them can be as harrowing as having to accept the fact that our own unwitting faults and shortcomings are to blame.

But is it still so wicked when we ourselves commit these 'faults' and 'shortcomings' on purpose, just so we can utter a good lie?

When one speaks of a lie, think not of the godforsaken unease behind innocent grins dripping noontime daydreams and sunshine candour, especially not when that lie is told to oneself. Because that lie is a segment of the sinner's sinful wish: that they might be able to escape from the cataclysmic mistakes that reach out so desperately to to taint their frightened souls, and thinking of such unease makes it even harder to lie.

Think instead of the faint sliver of faith that 'everything is going to be just fine', of the positivity that counters the unforeseen despair imparted to all those who hope, and of the smile that knows only of the genuine passions and sincere intentions lacing every inch of the battle that strives to strip its warriors of their strengths, because that sincerity is what will end up saving their lives one day.

Astera does not know where to find that sincerity within herself because she lies. She lies to herself, again and again and again that she needs not worry about the unusually rapid pulsating motion that she feels beneath the pads of her fingers because everything is going to be just fine.

But Astera's intuition has not once failed her. Today, she feels as though there is such a weighty blockage preeminent within her burning chest which at present time, is being tightly clutched by feebly slender digits in an attempt to reign in the unexplainable affliction. The cloth that hugs her torso is crumpled now, but Astera can't care any less.

     Through the streets that are flagrant with havoc of the district they call Shiganshina, Astera and Nico venture with little to no talk exchanged between the both of them.

     If her intuition's telling her to be alert, then that's exactly what she's going to do. Because she does not intend on losing her younger brother any time soon.

     And as the aforementioned brother tugs lightly on Astera's left sleeve, the ravenette manages to return from the profundity of her agglomerated thoughts back to the realism of the world around her. She spares Nico a smile to show that she is alright as she takes to note the way he gazes at her with a tinge of concern etched all over his face, and then they make their way over to a nearby stall.

     The woman behind the business heeds their arrivals, proceeding to greet them with her prominent accent and bubbly personality. Her words are more or less polite, even through the thickness of her dialect, and Astera admires how although she appears to be rather weary ( despite it only being early morning ) she is still very much capable of excellently tending to her customers.

"Were you looking to buy this meat we have over here, dearie?" loudly questions the woman, to which Astera responds with a gentle shake of the head.

"We wanted to purchase a dozen of your fresh eggs, actually, if that's alright?"

"Oh, but of course it is, you little beaut! Ah, ain't you a real cutie. Don't ya' go forgetting to take care of the both of yourselves now," the woman tells them as she carefully wraps the eggs, brown eyes gleaming, and fully stretches out her right arm so that Astera can reach the package and provide the exact amount of money for her payment.

     Astera mutters a shy 'thank you' before taking Nico by the hand and leading him back to the main road.

     "That sure was quick, wasn't it, Big Sis?" remarks the brunet who glances up at her abnormally stiff form. She's really thankful he doesn't comment on her tension, and simply responds with a meek nod accompanied by a lopsided grin. "At least we get to have breakfast soon," Nico adds.

But Astera is no longer listening, and again she thinks not of the unease that she feels within her, but instead of the faint sliver of faith that everything's going to be just fine.

In her peripheral vision, she sees her younger brother avert his gaze, pouting and evidently disappointed by his sister's lack of a response, but she does not say anything.

( If she had said something back then, would she be regretting as she does now? )

     An ear-piercing crash startles both Astera and Nico with little to no effort, and almost immediately the former looks to locate the source of the disturbance. Her grey eyes find their way into green ones, and Astera stares at boy whose brown hair matches her younger brother's.

     The boy stares back, but not for long. Or at least, not long enough for Astera to fully appreciate the captivating undertones in his eloquently ardent eyes. He twirls around, feet placing themselves one swift step in front of the other as he sends a horrid glare towards a group of kids who run ahead of him, smirking all the while as though they have already claimed victory. But the boy with the brown hair and green eyes does not falter — with what Astera could only presume to be determination as the expression that is written across his face, he lets out a brazen scream.

"You will pay for bullying my best friend, you jerks!"

And with that, the boy takes off, chasing after the now seemingly terrified kids, just as Astera hears Nico stifle a chuckle.

     "Aren't you going to stop them?" a voice sounds from Astera's near right, and she whips her head to see what appears to be a drunken man with blond hair and a lazy grin.

     "Why should I, mister? They're just playing. It's not like they're gonna cause any harm." she replies monotonously while Nico squeezes her hand tighter.

The man then gestures — with a slight inclination of his head — towards a pile of crates and boxes all scattered messily over the ground by a number of stalls. A few other men argue noisily as they surround the clutter, pointing their fingers in irate manner at the direction the kids and that strangely enthusiastic brunet ran off to.

     Astera chews nervously on her bottom lip.

     "Okay then, I take my words back"—an awkward laugh escapes her lips—"I suppose I'll go now and, umm ... stop them from dealing any damage whatsoever?"

     And so Astera picks up her pace, beginning the search right after telling Nico to stay put. Once satisfied that he isn't about to disobey her order any time soon, she leaves, figuring that finding those abrasively-loud boys wouldn't be so tough of a task to get over with.

     Oh, but it is, and she realizes it the moment she does so much as step foot into a wide intersection with four different paths to choose from. Curse that green-eyed brat, she thinks to herself.

"Oi—" Astera begins, cutting herself off as she finds herself unable to continue. Crap, I don't have a name to call that kid by. How am I ought to scold him now? But she shakes her head, telling herself that his identity matters for only as long as she has to return him — safe and sound — to that man from mere moments ago.

Astera doesn't know how much time has passed since she's decided to take the path to her right as she persists in her seeking, only that she is very much hungry and that her brother could very well be, too, which definitely isn't anything good because she knows how much of a nagger William could be when it came to them taking their meals on time ( meaning they must not be skipping them like they're currently doing ) but she worries for that brat now, as well, so she can't afford to give up just yet.

     And she realizes, sooner or later, that she needs not run any farther, because she's finally found him.

     Only this time, the tables have turned.

     "What the hell?! Put those down! Y'all look stupid carrying them like that!"

     "We'll see which one of us will be looking more stupid once we crush your tiny skull to pieces, you arrogant punk!"

     Punk? Astera wonders. The brat ( and yes, she's going to be calling him that until she finally receives word of what his name really is ) certainly does not look any younger than the kids who are now chasing after him. And the second she recalls just what she's gone this far for, she quickly joins them in their running.

     The kids are wielding what look to be branches broken off from the trees Astera can recall to have passed by earlier. The ends of the branches are rough and very obviously sharp to the touch, yet they're holding them up high and waving them around threateningly in the air, as if the danger posed by those branches was nothing. From such perspicuous motions, Astera knows that they intend on intimidating the brat with their newly-found arsenals.

     And, lo and behold, it actually worked. So what Astera's doing right now isn't just chasing after the brat— it's literally running along with him whilst trying to escape the kids who are ever so relentlessly chasing after them.

"Don't look back, Miss, and run for your life!" exclaims the brat with a tone so fervid it takes Astera a good five seconds to have the weight of his words sink in on her completely.

But instead of snapping at him like her initial thought of doing was, she does the exact opposite.

"Like hell would I just run away!" Astera yells back furiously, but the look on her face is something more along the lines of amusement, and the second the brat's eyes fall upon the ghost of a smirk playing on her lips, he returns the display of childish exuberance with a toothy grin.

They turn their backs towards the street before them in unison, and together they charge at the kids.

Needless to say, the whole hand-the-brat-back-over-to-that-man-safe-and-sound mission was a lost cause ever since the very beginning, though Astera can't really claim to have missed out on the fun in this one. The entirety of the chase has transformed the palpitation of her heart from one that was characterized by anxiety to one that was simply the result of rigorous physical activity. Of course, because running around for a little over fifteen whole minutes just trying to navigate a tiny section of Shiganshina in search for a certain green-eyed brunette and then happening to find the brat by total accident and then joining him in a pointless skirmish against some kids wielding tree branches and only then deciding to take a break from the intensity of it all is just..

Rigorous physical activity.

     Astera wonders if she's about to faint from her fatigue, but after taking deep breaths like her doctor used to tell her to do, she feels her body return to its normal state, and she no longer feels unusually tired.

     "I thought you promised to stop them before they end up 'dealing any damage whatsoever', Big Sis?" questions Nico as they make their journey back home, fingers making quotation marks to mock her own words. She gives him her trademark deadpan stare, one that always manages to get him to freeze on the spot, before waving a polite farewell to the drunken man and his male company—the brat that captured her interest and left her wanting to know his name.

She trains her sight back on the squirming Nico and thinks: Guess it wouldn't hurt to mess with him for a little while longer. And then, personality turning a complete 180, she forces herself to morph her expression into something far less intimidating.

     "Are you disappointed in me?" Astera asks as innocently as she possibly could without having to throw up, disgusted at her own acting skills, making a pitiful attempt at showing him her sad 'puppy' eyes.

     It takes some time for the words to sink in on Nico, who's in obvious shock over Astera's change in behaviour. "Wow, never thought that boy—y'know, the one with brown hair like mine—" he interjects when she shoots him a confused look, "would leave such a huge impact on you now. That's not the eternally-serious Big Sis I know at all!" He teases, which only earns him a sharp look from her that has absolutely no effect on him at all. "Don't you just hate acting all 'sweet and adorable'? You always say I'm so immature when I do it."

     And then suddenly, Nico's eyes brighten up, in the manner they usually do whenever he comes up with an idea that he finds clever.

     "I think maybe you should learn how to act even cuter, Big Sis!"

     "I think maybe you should learn how to shut up, Nico."

     Just then, Astera's stomach grumbles, and she has to spare her younger brother one more cold stare for him to cover his mouth with his hands, keeping his giggles from letting loose.

     "We're already on our way home, anyway," Nico consoles her hungry self, "so you'll be able to eat soon. Let's just hurry up, Big Sis. Can't have you missing a meal when you're this tired. I mean, it's still your fault you're so weak now, 'cause you disobeyed your doctor's orders but—"

She pinches his cheeks to shut him up, and they carry on walking.

     But they never make it back home. Not together, at least.

     The smile fades rather quickly from Astera's face as the tightness within her chest returns, and she glimpses at her younger brother who only looks as carefree as ever.

     Astera whips her head around, right left left right right left left right, but no one amongst the citizens walking alongside them appears particularly inconspicuous. No one appears to be worthy of her suspicion today. Nothing seems off in any way. But it hurts. There are only a few people around now. They're all looking straight ahead, and none of them appear to be armed.

     Nico and Astera are about to round a corner that would then lead to the street their residence is located along. They're just so near, it's just so near and it hurts.

     She senses a presence behind her, and swiftly she spins around, foolishly neglecting to take firm grasp of her younger brother's hand instead of letting it go like the coward she was who would put her own needs before others' ( because God knows how much pain she's feeling inside of her and it hurts so freaking much and she just has to know the reason behind this pain she needs so desperately to know because she can't go home feeling like this because it's all just so wrong but still that isn't an excuse is it? because she should've just held her brother's hand ).

     "Big Sis..?" she hears Nico mumble out to her in confusion, but in a heartbeat she merely shushes him, saying nothing in response.

     ( Why had she said nothing? )

     Astera's body stiffens as her heart pounds violently within her, and once again she finds herself lying— telling herself that everything is going to be just fine but how is everything going to be just fine if that would be the last time she'd ever hear Nico's voice?

     In the back of Astera's mind, it all happened too fast.

     The men have come to take her younger brother away from her. They're holding a knife to his neck and restraining the whole of her body so she cannot run over to him and tell him that everything is going to be just fine.

She thinks of the what if's. She thinks of her father, waiting for his children who would never come home, and immediately she decides to focus her mind on much more positive thoughts.

Yet the self-deprecation persists.

     She's useless. She's useless and he's powerless and they can't even yell for help and even worse is the fact — the fact that Astera knows for herself is the truth but still she wishes to deny it so damn bad — that only one of them can make it out alive.

     He's only three feet away, Astera tries to calm herself. Her breathing is shallow and she can see the tears already dripping down her precious brother's cheeks, but she can't help because she's useless and someone's forcing a hand onto her mouth and there's an arm wrapped around her chest and clutching at her waist and she knows those wicked fingers aren't about to yield any time soon.

     The physical contact disgusts her, terribly so, and yet the sight of her brother wailing for help with her being unable to reach him is the most disgusting sensation of all. She knows she can't reach him, and yet she continues to thrash and writhe around underneath her captor's painful grip.

     "Goddamn it, you're not going to be saved, anyway! So why bother?"

     "Don't go acting like a hero now, kid. You know there's no way you're getting yourselves out of this. We're all trapped in this hell of a world, anyway. What's one more layer of confinement gonna do?"

     "Just relax."

     Astera manages to shake off the filthy hand that hinders her from screaming out all her protests. Incessantly, loudly, desperately, she yells for help. Help, help, help, help, help, help, help ... but no one comes.

"See? No reinforcements for you, my dear. Just give it up."

When she gazes directly into the eyes of the man who is currently holding Nico captive with such ferocity in her visage, he just sneers at her. And as she tries ( though every single one of her attempts is futile in the end ) to break free so she could tackle him to the ground in all her anger, she hears one of the surrounding men who stand a little ways from their restrained forms say something that sounds to her like, "I think it's about time we take him away."

     And only then does she realize her brother isn't going to be with her when they are brought someplace else.

I can't have that happen, she tells herself, but what can she possibly do to stop it from happening?

When they begin to drag him away from her, all she could do is scream. Scream, scream, scream, scream for help please somebody help i don't want to feel more trapped than i already am but please even if it's me who ends up left alone in the dark with no one to save me although it hurts so much please save my brother he doesn't deserve any of this he deserves freedom he deserves to live he deserves all the good this evil world could possibly give him please save him—!

Please save me, she wants to scream. But that selfish request never leaves her lips. Because her strength has been drained from her body during the chase earlier, and Astera inwardly curses herself for having so much fun when she should be saving up her energy for this one moment.

     And because what remains of her power only allows her to scream, that's what she does. Scream, and scream, and scream, until her voice cracks midway but still she screams, and she's screaming only for the rescue of her younger brother whose teary eyes look to her for help, again and again and again with her voice hoarse and nerves taut and heart beating faster than she ever thought possible but she thought none of this was possible because isn't everything going to be just fine...?

And perhaps now that she is aware of the consequences, she must vow never to utter a single lie ever again.

Not even to herself.

a/n: well, wasn't this chapter all over the place? and boy did i go overboard with the italics this time around xD i'm really sorry for such a late [ and i bet a really disappointing ] update ;; i hope you guys enjoyed reading, though ^^ and please let me know what you think regarding the pacing of the story !! so long as it's constructive criticism, i won't mind. lastly, before i end this note, i'd just like to say that i've decided astera should be 12 instead of 16 years old at the beginning of this fanfic. thank you so much for reading, and peace out <3

[ published » september 24, 2018 ]