⌜ one ⌟

though she seeks for such refuge,
that, a wish by heart shan't be fulfilled

— x —

THE WORLD AROUND HER is in tragic collision with the world that besieges hollow thoughts. Above her are dark blues seeping into warm oranges and reds, the faint spots of gold scattered around the skies signifying the setting of the dimming sun. It's a sight meant to be marvelled at, but her mind is coloured by a myriad of hues that are far from the mellow tints and tones embracing the skyward stretch of atmosphere.

Because her thoughts are adorned by a sickening shade of black, in contrast to the beauty of shattered tinctures up above. No, the lack of emotions portrayed within her timid self could never be compared to such vibrancy, and though Astera knows this for a fact, it's certainly something she could afford to care less about.

Still she traverses the journey back to the only place she can ever consider home, with the usual silent treatment towards all other travellers who walk past her figure, ever aware that despite her blank countenance, she must not let herself be detached from the world around her. She knows she must try not to delve into the world set together by her own mind that is brought astray from reality. She knows, but does not do anything about the thoughts that go as swiftly as they come through that same distracted mind.

They will go away eventually, after all. Astera is used to those evanescent thoughts. They befall upon her most of the time, whenever she is left alone to her own devices. The scenarios and happenings that take place inside of her head — they will all fade away sooner or later, and so putting an effort into focusing on the reality before her wouldn't do much, if only so she could not be tempted to pay heed to those useless thoughts.

She'd be lying if she said there weren't times she ends up second-guessing herself, however. Am I right in believing these are simply 'useless' thoughts I can just dismiss whenever I feel like it? Occasionally, the thoughts would dig painfully deep into her heart, as though hitting close to home, as though they were of some significance to her that she has yet to realize, and more particularly, as though they were memories from her childhood past.

But that doesn't make sense, does it? If they truly were hitting close to home, she would know why they were even there in the first place, but she doesn't know why. If they truly were of some significance to her, she wouldn't possibly dare to think of them as 'useless', no matter how much she longs to disregard them. If they truly were memories from her childhood past, surely she should remember even a measly bit of those memories, but she doesn't — she can't remember, at all. Why can't she remember? Is there something she's missing here..?

     Now, the Curtis residence, that Astera can remember. The forthright house that once smelt faintly of incenses like rosewood and a whisper of the smoke that alluded to home-cooked meals uprising, that brought back memories of euphoric sunrises and serene sunsets with a family she could claim as her own. These would forever have her mind insculpt with such cordiality she would not be forgetting any time soon — yes, this is what she so clearly remembers, as the familiar silhouette of her home starts to appear before her very eyes.

     When Astera invites herself in, she rightfully braces herself for impact.

     "Big Sis, you're finally back!" is the merry squeal of the boy who comes a-running to place his heavy weight on her body, effectively sending the both of them falling straight to the ground ( back-first for Astera; the boy is lucky enough to have fallen on top of her, instead ) without much consideration for the packages, bright in colour, which she has in her right hand's possession.

     "Yes, Nico darling, no need to state the obvious," speaks another voice much calmer than the first one, reaching Astera's ears from where she can only presume to be the kitchen. The voice, soft and delicate, belongs to Astera's adoptive mother, Elizabeth, whose form appears from the doorframe of their kitchen and comes to looms over her and her younger brother. "Now that you're home, Astera dear, we can finally have dinner," she winks at her, easily prying a grumbling Nico away. "Would you like me to prepare you your black tea, as well?"

     Black tea is Astera's favourite drink, in fact, a drink unrivalled in its ability to force herself to indulge although she tries so hard not to. She doesn't know why this is the case for her when the aforesaid tea is beloved moreso by the adults rather than fellow kids in their district, why she finds great comfort in every sip she takes of it. She settles for offering a grateful smile and a quick nod in response to Elizabeth's inquiry. The older woman trudges back to their kitchen, though not before helping Astera up and taking the packages from her hand while telling Nico to behave himself.

     "So, Big Sis, how was your walk~?" drawls out the boy who is four years younger than she is, a curious edge to his voice. "Meet any guy good enough for you yet?"

     "I'm not looking for someone to have a romantic relationship with, Nico, so there's no point in asking me that every time I go out." Astera reprimands her brother in good humour, taking his hand in hers and leading him over to the dining area. "I'm 12, not 30."

     Nico grins up teasingly ( and toothily, might she add ) at her as he pulls out one of the chairs and plops himself down on it. "Oh, right, I forgot that Big Sis wanted to stay single for all eternity."

     "Hey, I never said that," she chuckles along with her brother, and their mother — who is listening in on their brief conversation — joins in the laughter as well. Astera feels at ease like this, feeling no significant sensation other than the bliss in her heart and the slight ache that she vaguely registers is present in her stomach as she continues to laugh away.

     Not long after Elizabeth has readied the table for dinner, three knocks resound by the front door area, and Nico's eyes immediately light up at the very first knock. He stands up clumsily and scrambles over to pull the door open.

     "Father, it's dinner time!"

With their two figures linked in a brief embrace, a brunette man in his thirties, just as old as Elizabeth, and dressed in traditional farmer's attire presses a smooth kiss to Nico's forehead, before training his gaze upon Elizabeth who is making her way towards him and Astera who remains seated with a soft grin on her face to acknowledge his presence. The man lets go of Nico for a while to wrap his arms around the shorter built of Elizabeth, who nuzzles her head into the crook of his neck.

"Hello again, honey," William greets pleasantly, to which Elizabeth mumbles out a genial 'hi, honey' before remarking: "Well, you certainly arrived earlier than I expected you to, Will." She then goes on to helping William with the multitude of bags and sacks he has carried along with him. "What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing much, really," William replies with a voice that, for once, is not leaden with fatigue, despite having brought quite a number of luggage back home all on his own. Astera raises a brow at this, but says nothing as she stands up to assist Elizabeth with a heavy-looking sack of rice.

Her mother merely concedes to her father's pathetic excuse for an answer to her query as she suggests ( commands ) that Astera and Nico proceed in eating while she stays with William to put his luggages away.

"By the way, I have a surprise for you all." William speaks up out of the blue, effectively causing a halt in each family members' movements. Astera is the one who takes the initiative to ask, "And what would that surprise be, father?"

The man reaches out to grab the sack that was in Elizabeth's grip, which also happens to be one of the bulkier ones among the heap of sacks. He rummages through it for a few seconds before pulling out something that evokes another mirthful exclamation from Nico.

"Heck yeah, we can make fried chicken!"

The rest of the day follows through without anything more that is worth remembering to Astera, beyond their blithesome dinner of honey-sweetened fried chicken and flavourful carrot soup. She lays down on her mattress that night with little to no regrets throughout the whole day and for just one fleeting moment there, she feels contented.

Contented with her identity, contented with her life, contented with this refuge of hers and her family's — Astera has never felt such great contentment in her childhood before, and again, she could only wonder, why can't she remember a time better than this simple one?

To far less insouciant thoughts her mind spirals once more, and Astera is left with her eyes closed shut in totality. This way, she is supposed to be robbed of her vision; she is supposed to be standing, completely motionless, as the only distinct existence that is cloaked in a colour other than that of the darkness that surrounds her whole being.

     This way, she is supposed to be blind, but she is not.

     Astera sees before her an expanse of wicked crimson and bloodred pools. She sees silver blades glinting under silver moonlight rays and would she dare question what those silver blades were meant for? No, and still she sees as she continues to remain unblinded the blending of various tones of black: that of creeping silhouettes perennially dark in shade and buildings as frighteningly somber under the absence of such splendid daylight. She sees and glimpses at lips apart in frozen screams, at flowing broken dew down cheeks tainted with crazed broken smiles, at a mass that has been starved of freedom's and nature's beauty alike.

     And though Astera feels a connection of sorts to those vilely disturbing thoughts — the kind of connection that to this day prevails as one that is strange to her — she forces herself to dismiss them, and only after does slumber finally overcome her.

The morrow flourishes birds chirping and the gentle casting of sunshine agleam. Astera's thoughts this morning are of lighter nuances, which relieve her mental state in the slightest. The girl picks herself up and only then notices that her brother, mother, and father are all gone from their usual spots beside her. Now, her mother's and father's lack of a presence on their respective mattresses do not worry her, for this happens often as she has a tendency to sleep in, but her brother's oversleeping habits are even worse than hers, and so this tugs at her immediate concern.

When Astera has limped her way over to the kitchen ( though she is panicking deep inside, her mind is still very much foggy with a greedy desire for more sleep ), her worries are alleviated, because here is where she finds her family gathered together. Elizabeth's unusually big knapsack tells Astera that she is going to leave for a rather lengthy journey.

The three only notice her inquisitive figure when she decides to cough loudly into her hand in order to gain their attention.

"Oh, well it's about time you woke up, Astera. Lizzie here was just about to—"

"Skip breakfast and head back to Wall Sina, is that it, father?" Astera cuts William off, but not in a rude manner, as her words might imply. It's not an uncommon occurence; as a matter of fact, the exact same thing happened just a little over a month ago. She'd woken up to find only three plates laid out on their dining table and a note from Elizabeth, stating she had business in the innermost wall and couldn't wait for breakfast. Apparently, one of her regular clients there had something urgent to discuss with her, and may or may not ask for her return after a few weeks.

     Astera directs her eyes to her mother's kindly face and speaks, "Have a safe trip then, mother."

And off her mother goes after being bid a teary farewell by Nico who, along with Astera herself, has been instructed afterwards by William to go fetch them some more eggs as he is busy preparing their morning meals.

"Remember, kiddos, don't talk to strangers. I'd hate to see you leave right after your mother just did, but I'm only asking you to do this for me because Astera is old enough to venture around the district alone, and having you"—William points at Nico—"go with her rather than stay here alone reassures me." William places each one of his hands on their shoulders, smiling lightly at them both. "But still, you two have to take care of yourselves, okay?"

"Understood, father!"

a/n: look who's got the first chapter up!! i hope you guys enjoyed the read, even tho this update is slightly shorter than my usual ones. ig for this one fanfic, it'll be alright if i write my chapters shorter? idk, you guys tell me if this length is fine with y'all.

oh and, i'm trying out a new writing style~! if ever you guys noticed ^^ i'm going for a kinda poetic hint to the narration, but i'm not really sure if it's working ;;

[ published » july 23, 2018 ]

* chisakiis — creator of that gorgeous banner as inserted above ^^ thank you so much, dear <3