DANTE

Guilt. Confusion. Sorrow.

All of these emotions weigh Alex down as he sits in the hospital waiting room. Turner and Christian sit beside him. But as they wait for an update on Sky's condition, there's no idle chitchat or worried outbursts between them. Instead, they're stonily silent. Each of them are consumed in their own thoughts.

The only real thought Alex is having, over and over again, is that he should have known. He'd been aware that Sky was suffering from his addiction—but this? Suicide is something he never expected, hadn't even imagined Sky was capable of it.

Why?

That question also plagues him.

Why would Sky do something like this? Sure. Going to rehab is a tough reality to face. And obviously, the band breaking up plays a part in it. Does that mean Alex is partially to blame? He's the one who wants to break away from the band. He's the one that dropped a bombshell at their meeting the other day. Maybe if he hadn't, Sky never would have done this.

For Alex, Sky has always been this unbelievably joyful person. He was continually laughing or cracking jokes. He made everything he was a part of fun and optimistic.

So why hadn't Alex seen how much the guy was hurting?

Only a seat away from him, Christian can't stop wondering about the same problem. Maybe there had been a darker side to Sky no one had realized, a side he had hidden. Christian can remember much lighter times when he and Sky used to party together. Back then, everything had been easy. Sky's drug use seemed like a side effect of the rock and roll lifestyle. Christian hadn't seen any true harm in it until the overdose on stage. With this second, potentially fatal, emergency, Christian understands Sky's depths. The true depths of desperation he must have been feeling to try and take his own life. Christian shudders at the possibility his friend may have succeeded. No one has come out to tell them how Sky is, and that only heightens his anxiety. Reaching his breaking point, Christian is the first one to break the silence.

"What the fuck is taking them so long?" He growls.

"Christian..." Turner begins wearily, but there's a hint of danger to his tone too. "If you start bitching right now, I swear—"

"I'm not bitching!" Christian argues. "I'm concerned. If they would just get out here and tell us—"

Christian stops his tirade as Alex rests his hand heavily on his shoulder.

"Christian, this is tearing all of us up inside, but we've got to stay calm. For Sky." He points out. His truthful words instantly subdue Christian's mood. He gets that he's not the only wrecked one. Like they are all here for Sky, Christian should be there for his bandmates too.

"I know what you're thinking," he says to Alex, studying him carefully. "You're blaming yourself, and you shouldn't. The band breaking up, it's not enough to do...something like this."

Christian's sincere in trying to comfort him. With everything that's happening, with the reality that they might lose Sky, all of the past shit and the stupid fights between them are meaningless. All that matters is that—with or without a band—they're still friends.

Alex gives him a half-hearted smile, grateful but sad. "Then what is? What could have possibly made him do this?"

"I don't know, but..." Christian cautiously glances over at Turner. The guy's completely defeated, shoulders slumped as he stares down at the ground.

"I'm sorry you had to find him like that, Turner," he finishes.

"Not as much as I am," Turner mutters, lost in his own world.

A world that is inhabited with the memory of Sky laying across that bed: cold and lifeless. Turner re-experiences it repeatedly—even when he tries to push it away, the vision resurfaces.

I can't lose him.

Those words resound in his head as the minutes continue to crawl by. It's impossible to get any other clear thoughts out. He's incapable of saying more than a few sentences to his friends. He simply focuses on the fragile hope that this horrible incident will turn out okay. He doesn't want his efforts to have been in vain. Because over the years, Sky has always stood beside Turner, defending him, encouraging him. This time around, it was Turner's chance to do the same for him. To stop Sky from harming himself. But what if his actions today weren't enough?

Turner's concerns are broken—at last—by a nurse heading towards them. He and his bandmates straighten up in their seats, anxious for news.

"You three are here for Mr. St. James, correct?" At their respective nods, she goes on. "I'm happy to tell you, he's okay."

Relief like nothing Turner's ever experienced courses through him. He gathers Alex and Christian into a tight group hug. They embrace him in return with an equally fierce hold. Despite the death of their band, their brotherhood remains—and it wouldn't be complete without Sky. They continue to draw strength from each other as the nurse fills them in on the details.

"We were able to pump his stomach, and are keeping an eye on his condition. However, in light of the events, he's a bit tired. He's allowed visitors, but it's better if he only receives one person at a time."

A quick look amongst the guys determines who will be going in first. Alex and Christian give deference to the longest friendship. Turner slowly gets up and heads towards Sky's room. He's unsure as to how he'll react at witnessing a miracle. The miracle of seeing Sky revived. 

Sky can admit it. He's had a LOT of bad ideas in his life. He's made a bunch of shitty choices too. But trying to kill himself ranks up there as number one. Looking back, he can see how his decision would seem insane to anyone else. To any rational person, it was stupid. It was desperate. It was...the only thing he could think of that might make the pain stop.

And yet, here he is. Still in pain but alive. For what purpose? He has no idea. But apparently, it wasn't his time to die. Fate, the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, had other plans.

To anyone else, he should be happy about such a divine intervention. Instead, he feels like a dumbass. He can't even commit suicide properly. Now that he hasn't, everyone will view him as some out of control, depressed, maniac—on top of being a drug addict. Damn it. If he can't die, can he at least disappear for the next twenty years? He doesn't want to face anyone. However, he doesn't really get a choice when someone knocks on his door.

"Come in," he rasps, although he feels like saying the complete opposite. He regrets his invitation even more when Turner walks in. Sky immediately looks away from him, steadily directing his gaze to the window. Turner doesn't bother trying to get his attention. He sits in the chair next to his bed. As they sit quietly, Sky remembers how they'd been through this routine a few days ago after his overdose. God, he is a mess. And a real asshole to keep putting his friends through this.

"How are you feeling?" Turner asks at last.

"Truthfully, I don't know what to feel. Everything's kind of...nothing feels real if that makes sense." Sky stumbles through his explanation.

"Well, you want to know what I feel, Sky?" Turner's tone is calm, but Sky's wary of what he's going to say next.

"I want to understand," Turner begins. "I want to be there for you, but right now..." And that's when Turner's face goes from being reasonable to furious.

"I'm so fucking mad at you! When are you going to stop putting yourself—and me—through hell?"

"I'm sorry—"

"Damn it! That's not good enough this time." Turner rages. Sky has never seen his friend this angry—let alone at him. Turner's always kind and understanding, but Sky's pushed him too far. He has the sinking fear that maybe Turner is sick of him and his bullshit. Maybe he's about to lose his best friend over his terrible actions.

"Do you know how I felt, finding you like that? You nearly killed me too. Because my heart can't take anymore. I can't handle seeing you like this." Turner's anger suddenly dissipates as he stops and rests his head in his hands. Even though he's trying to cover it up, Sky can tell he's crying. It breaks him all over again. He reaches out and touches Turner's hair. Rubbing the back of his head, Sky tries to calm him down.

"I'm sorry. I truly am. I never wanted to hurt you. I just...I wanted a way out."

Turner looks up at him, his eyes red and forlorn. "Why?"

"It's Gracie's birthday," Sky says as if that explains everything. "It's Gracie's birthday and I forgot."

Despite knowing Sky better than anyone else, Turner doesn't seem to get it.  His brows remain furrowed with confusion.

"Between the band breaking up and having to go to rehab, I forgot about Gracie. How could I do that?" Sky goes on. "It destroyed me. I couldn't deal with it, or anything else anymore, so..."

"Forgetting her birthday doesn't mean you don't love her. It doesn't mean you deserve to die," Turner says firmly.

Sky doesn't have a response. A part of him wonders how things would have been if he succeeded. Would he have discovered an afterlife? One where he could be with Gracie. In spite of his pain now, would Turner have been better off being rid of Sky and his constant screw-ups?

Turner grasps Sky's hand, pulling him out of his morbid thoughts.

"Please tell me you won't do this again, Sky. Tell me you're going to get help. You'll go to rehab and do whatever else you need to so you can get better." Turner's expression is so distraught that Sky can't refuse him. How can he, after the guy saved his life?

"I will," Sky says but Turner grips his hand tighter.

"Promise me." Turner insists.

"I promise," Sky swears and squeezes his friend's hand in return. At his affirmation, Turner's tension wanes slightly. Composing himself, Turner asks the question Sky has been dreading.

"Alex and Christian are here. Do you want them to come in?" Turner asks.

After a moment, Sky shakes his head hesitantly. "For now, can we just sit here? I'm not that strong yet—to see anyone else."

"Okay," Turner says, easing back into his chair. "We'll just sit here."

Sky's glad for his acquiesce, but they both know the truth. Eventually, Sky will have to face the rest of his friends. He'll have to deal with the rest of the world. He'll have to cure himself of his trauma and addiction.

He'll have to be brave enough to live again.

*** I just want to say if you are reading this and going through a hard time, please hang in there. You are important. You are valued. You are loved. 🙏 Or in better words:

"When you get into a tight place, and everything goes against you, till it seems as if you couldn't hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that's just the place and time that the tide'll turn." -- Harriet Beecher Stowe

And, of course, this too: 

https://youtu.be/_Ju6Q8Azcmg

Thanks for reading! We're nearing the end here, so please come back and read the final chapters when you get a chance! ***