"Hoodie has blackmail on practically everyone, and is not afraid to use it. By now it's second nature to watch what you say when the hooded proxy is in the room. After all, it's usually the quiet ones you gotta keep an eye on."

EJ just about flipped his shit when he found a note taped to his door.

Nevermind that the note was in braille, which meant it was addressed to EJ, it was the contents that freaked him out.

It read something like this:

Meet me at 4:23 AM tomorrow morning. Basement. Don't be late.
-Hoodie

Needless to say, EJ was terrified.

"Hoodie?" EJ called quietly, at 11:59 PM, on the dot. One wasn't late to these sort of meetings. "Hoodie are you in here?"

"You're late."

The proxy's sigma-enhanced voice echoed around the room, and EJ flinched. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "My watch is a minute or so behind."

He got the impression Hoodie was nodding serenely; "That's alright, then. Come in, Jack, take a seat. Let's talk."

Gingerly, Jack clicked once in his throat to get his bearings (fun fun fun echolocation) then took the seat in front of Hoodie.

"You seem... tense," the proxy noted.

EJ forced himself to laugh; "Really?" He asked. "What gave it away?"

Hoodie shot him a disapproving glare; "You're stiffer than a board, Jack."

The eyeless cannibal sighed and slumped in his seat; "What do you want from me, Brian?" He asked, defeated.

Hoodie folded his hands in a typical 'I'm calm cool and collected but also fucking terrifying because you don't know what I want, but you know I want something, and you're scared of what that is' pose. "It's a... sensitive matter," he said delicately.

EJ clenched the armrests of his chair, nails (read: claws) digging holes into the upholstery; "I'll ask again: what do you want?"

Hoodie dropped the act; "There's a parcel being delivered tomorrow to the Slenderman," he said.

EJ nodded; "Yeah," he replied. "He's been going on about it for weeks now."

Hoodie nodded; "Yes. Do you know what this parcel contains?"

EJ frowned and scratched his head; "No," he admitted. "Slender's been kind of close-lipped about the whole 'contents' part of the whole thing."

"Well, I'll tell you what's in it," Hoodie said. "1,100 bags of Typhoo English Breakfast Tea."

EJ's jaw dropped; "Holy shit," he swore- softly, but with feeling.

Hoodie nodded again; "I know. However, there is a... slight problem."

EJ frowned; "What do you mean?"

Hoodie bit his lip; "Well... you know how electronics and Slender don't really mix?" He asked, savvy persona breaking for a minute.

EJ blinked; "Yeah?"

Hoodie traced out patterns in the wood; "Well, Masky or I usually do the ordering because of that. I was in charge of placing this particular order, and, well... I kind of screwed up?"

EJ gasped; "You didn't."

Hoodie nodded; "I did," he said, voice cracking a bit. "I accidentally ordered Tetley instead. (AN: No offense to anyone who drinks Typhoo or Tetley; I've had both and personally I can't taste a difference (I have the taste buds of a very small child, I know-) either way, they're both nice teas to me. I just picked the first two tea companies that came to mine.)

"You didn't. Slender hates Tetley!"

Hoodie gulped; "It was an accident," he croaked. "They both begin with T, and have vowels in weird places, and I-I-" he took a few deep breaths to compose himself. "It doesn't matter. Point is, sometime tomorrow Slender is going to get 1,100 bags of Tetley tea tomorrow, and is not going to be a happy camper."

"He's going to kill you," EJ deduced. Hoodie gulped, then nodded.

"You see why I need you to intercept this parcel, then." He said, and EJ's jaw dropped.

"What?" He hissed. "Brian, no, that's suicide. You know I'll help hide you, but messing with something that belongs to the Slenderman-" he shook his head, shuddering. "I've already died once, Brian. I'm not eager to repeat the experience."

Hoodie folded his hands into that gesture from earlier, and suddenly, EJ was terrified for his life. "I had a feeling you might say that."

There was the rustling of papers, and then Hoodie slid something across the table to EJ. Hesitantly, the eyeless cannibal picked it up, running his fingers along the edges.

"I did get it in braille, you know," Hoodie pointed out. "I may be blackmailing you, but I'm not mean."

EJ ran his fingers over the raised bumps along the paper, blanching when he realized what it was; "How did you get this?" He asked, voice shaking.

Hoodie shrugs; "Does it really matter?" He tsked. "Tut tut, Jack, cheating on your final exam. What would the others say?"

"Don't tell them," EJ begged. "Please, I couldn't- they'd never listen to me again-"

"I know," Hoodie soothed, reaching out to lay a comforting hand on Jack's shoulder. "I know. It's ok, Jack. I want to help you. Just intercept the parcel before Slender gets it, and no one will ever know."

A tear fell from Jack's empty eye socket; "You're a monster."

Hoodie took his hand away; "I'll send you the coordinates for the drop-off. Jeff is taking it into the city."

EJ glared at him; "Did you blackmail him, too?"

Hoodie stared at him, unblinking; "Of course I did, Jack," he said, then stood up from the table. "Goodnight, Eyeless. You'll find the coordinates under the third stair at 5:32 AM sharp tomorrow. Don't be late- and we never has this conversation, understand?"

Then there was one, sitting alone in the dark.

~~~

1:52 AM

Jeff had actually been first on Hoodie's list of subjects to blackmail- err, enlist in his mission to avoid the wrath of the Slenderman, but because of timeskips, it happened second in the story. Just ignore it, it works out fine.

Unlike Jack, Jeff hadn't yet learned the futility of trying to avoid Hoodie when he was actively looking for you, so Hoodie decided he had to get... creative.

Turns out 'getting creative' meant 'waiting around in the dark in Jeff's room for him to return so he couldn't avoid this confrontation without taking a lead piping to the back of the skull,' but Hoodie had never claimed to be, well, creative. As far as methods went, this one was actually pretty standard.

And vaguely deadly, as it turned out Jeff really didn't appreciate sigma-enhanced voices speaking to him out of the dark when he wasn't expecting it.

The smiling killer screamed in terror, then whipped a knife at Hoodie. Quick reflexes ensured the proxy wasn't stabbed, but it was a near thing.

"Hoodie," Jeff said, breathing like he'd just run a marathon. His eyes were wide with residual terror, but his voice screamed 'I'm-pissed-off-wand-want-to-throw-another-knife-at-you.'

(Hoodie had wisely moved all knives to his end of the room upon entering, but had forgotten to factor in the one Jeff carried with him at all times.)

"What in the fuck are you doing here?"

Hoodie calmly folded one hand on top of the other in his signature 'intimidation' pose; "I need your help, Jeffrey."

Jeff's face split into a snarl; "Don't fucking call me that," he snapped.

Hoodie shrugged, unbothered; "No matter."

Jeff gnashed his teeth and stomped around his room for a moment as he vented his anger. Finally, he turned back to Hoodie and demanded; "Why the fuck would I help you?"

Very, very, unerringly calm, Hoodie reached into his briefcase and pulled out a piece of paper. He handed it towards Jeff, who cursed quietly before rummaging around for his glasses.

The glasses didn't help him look any more intimidating, as the lenses were around three inches thick (hyperbole,) but they did wonders to capture every inch of horror in Jeff's eyes as he read over the paper.

"How the fuck did you get this?!" He snapped, slamming the paper down on the nearest flat surface, which was his bedside table. Hoodie didn't flinch.

"I have my ways," he said, raising his hands when Jeff stalked towards him, penknife drawn; "There's a code. This information will be broadcasted at exactly 12 midnight tomorrow unless I'm there to disable it."

Jeff didn't look deterred. "I'll get BEN to hack it. He owes me one anyways."

Hoodie raised an eyebrow; "How do you know I haven't gotten to him first? I'm nothing if not methodical, Jeffrey."

Unlike before, Jeff didn't threaten murder with his general demeanor at the mention of his name. Instead, he seemed to deflate, and collapsed on his bed.

"I'm going to kill you in two days," he muttered, but there was no real heat to his voice.

Hoodie nodded pleasently; "Oh, I'm sure you'll give it your best shot," he said, ignoring the withering glare Jeff sent his way. "Are you aware that the Slenderman is expecting a parcel to arrive sometime tomorrow?"

Jeff lifted his head to shoot him a confused look; "The fuck does that have to do with anything?"

Hoodie ignored him; "Well, I need you to help get rid of it..."

Jeff's eyes, if possible, went wider; "Slender would kill me. No fucking way, Brian."

Hoodie shot him an irritated glare. "Would you rather lose every scrap of credibility you own when the entire Underrealm finds out how eagerly you've been awaiting the next season of My Little Pony?" Jeff went bright red, and said nothing. Hoodie nodded; "Yeah, I thought so. Anyways, this is what you'll do- and tell no one about this meeting. Anyways..."

(AN- again, nothing against people who watch MLP regardless of age, fuckin' power to you for being like 'fuck the rest of you, I like this show' but it just struck me as funny that Jeff of all people would watch it because he presents himself as being so tough. Anyways, on with the reading-)

~~~

4:32 PM

Hoodie's next victim was his own coworker.

Not Masky of course, he'd never blackmail Masky (mostly because the other proxy had just as much blackmail on Hoodie as Hoodie did on him) but Toby?

Fair game.

"J-Jesus Christ!" Toby swore, flinging a hatchet towards Hoodie when he appeared from the trees. "D-Don't fuck-fucking do that, you b-bastard!"

Hoodie wasn't phased, of course. That would ruin his image; "Toby."

The hooded proxy squinted at him from behind his goggles, then frowned and took them off; "The hell is up with- with you?" He asked. "You're all..." he gestured aimlessly in Hoodie's general direction. "Weird."

"You always were the most perceptive of the bunch," Hoodie muttered, more to himself than Toby, then spoke up; "I need your help with something, Toby."

The other proxy frowned; "Sure," he said, leaning on one of his hatchets. He eyed the one buried in the tree like he might go rescue it next; "What-What's up?"

Hoodie mentally prepared himself. Toby was incredibly brash, yes, and rude, and kind of a dick, but when compared to Jeff, or even Eyeless on a bad day, he was easily the nicest of the bunch. Always happy to lend a hand when someone needed him to, as well, as long as the relationship was amicable... Hoodie was a little sad that he was about to effectively ruin Toby's day, but needs do as needs must.

'You know about the parcel Slender's expecting tomorrow?" He asked. Toby nodded.

"Yeah," he replied, then, surprising Hoodie; "It's tea, right? S-Supplies have been getting low; I figured he was going to order in b-bulk again-gain..."

Hoodie blinked at him; "Y-Yeah," he responded, caught off guard. "There's been a small error."

"Oh, scheiße," Toby said worriedly. Hoodie nodded.

"My thoughts exactly," he replied. "Listen, I need you to distract Slender while I have some... operatives remove this error."

Toby seemed hesitant, and for good reason. "How b-big is this error?" He asked. "Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how- how much d-danger will we be in if-"

"12," Hoodie responded dryly, and Toby's eyes went wide.

"Oh," he said in a small voice, then jerked his head to the left, producing a small crack! "That's-That's b-b-bad."

Hoodie nodded; "About sums it up," he confirmed, then gave the younger proxy a serious look. "Well?" He asked. "Can I count on you to distract him?"

Toby looked to be seriously considering it; "How long- long- would I have t-to d-d-distract him for?" He asked.

Hoodie thought about it; "Anywhere from half an hour to an hour," he said after a moment. "It depends on how effective the others are."

Toby nodded, then narrowed his eyes; "How d-did you- you- convince others t-to help?"

Hoodie shrugged; "Oh, I have my ways."

Toby's eyes narrowed further; "Do I want- no, I don't want to know. What time?"

"The parcel should be here at around 3:36 PM, so be in place by 3:30," Hoodie explained.

Toby nodded once, then spotted his hatchet where it was buried in the tree. He watched it for a moment, then sighed and left to go get it.

Hoodie left as well, somewhat grateful he hadn't had to blackmail Toby as well. After all, who would believe that a pyromaniac had to use a Bic lighter because he was too afraid he's burn himself with matches?

~~~

LJ was the last, and also the most difficult to get info on. He did his dealings outside of the mansion, and had his own radiation and form of transportation to boot.

But Hoodie was persistent, and he found his blackmail.

Although, upon discovering said blackmail, he had half a mind to wish he hadn't.

"You failed Clown 101." Hoodie deadpanned, not bothering with his whole intimidation thing. This wasn't worth it, it was just- it was just sad.

LJ just kind of deflated were he sat; "I know," he beamoned. "I'm a disgrace."

Hoodie didn't bother disagreeing; "Listen, I won't- I won't tell anyone, if you do this one thing for me."

LJ kind of- liquified out of his chair onto the floor. "Why bother?" He muttered into the hardwood. "I'll never make it in the real world, my career is over, my friends might as well give up on me now before I can disappoint them proper-"

Ok, this was not going the way he expected.

"Ok, calm down, um-" Hoodie racked his brains for a solution. "I'll help you rob that candy store in Paris you like so much if you help me."

Instantly, LJ perked up; "Well, why didn't you lead with that?" He asked. "What do you need me to do?"

Hoodie desired a very strong cup of coffee; "Jeff is going to bring you a package tomorrow," he said. "You're going to wait just outside the borders, then portal it to the outer reaches of the Solar System."

LJ raised an eyebrow; "Seems a lot of effort," he noted. "What's in this parcel?"

Hoodie sighed heavily; "1,100 bags of tea," he said tiredly. LJ blinked owlishly, then his eyes went wide.

"That's for the Slenderman, isn't it? Oh, Jesus- listen, Hoodie, I trusts you and I wants to help yous, but Slender will kills me-"

"I'll help you rob the candy store in New York, too. And the one in London."

"Deal."

~~~

After threatening to yeet BEN's copy of Majora's Mask back into the Overrealm, Hoodie's plan was set and ready. All he had to do now was hope, and pray, things went well.

At 3:30 PM, Toby began distracting Slender.

At 3:36 PM, Eyeless intercepted the package, and ran like hell to the coordinate point to drop it off to Jeff.

At 3:41 PM, Jeff recieved the parcel.

At 4:02 PM, Jeff handed the parcel to LJ.

And at 4:05 PM, the parcel was floating somewhere in the Kuiper Belt over by Pluto.

Hoodie breathed a sigh of relief, and relaxed for the first time since he realized he'd screwed up. He was safe. The tea was gone, and Slender was none the wiser.

Of course, the next problem was that Slender had a shitfit that the delivery service took so long once Hoodie finally ordered the correct tea, but that was somebody else's problem, he decided. He'd done enough for one week.

(BAM! Jesus, that took a while. XD consider it a 'thank you for 100K reads' present.
I think somewhere in here there's a headcanon that EJ is blind... figures it's time I actually did that proper, with some very heavy inspiration from Daredevil. I'm sighted, so if I screw something up please tell me. (For record, I've figured EJ uses his hearing to get around. Echolocation, kind of- which, I know, human hearing isn't advanced enough for that, regardless of whether or not someone can see, but EJ's hearing is augmented because, you know, demon-stuff.)
Also, in terms of Toby's tourettes, I want to write it better. I've been doing some research (read: A LOT of research) but if anything I do is inaccurate, PLEASE TELL ME. (Also, if you have any advice on how to do this better, like more accurate tics for example, PLEASE TELL ME I WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT. And his CIPA too- I realize I may not have done either justice in the past. I was young and kind of stupid- I am open to advice from you guys.)