To be honest, I literally only wrote this so that I could use that title. I'm sorry, this is a mess.

Ships: Maytasha, IronStrange

Warnings: Swearing, arguing,

——————

Peter Parker was eight when his last remaining family member (and the light of his life), Aunt May, brought home Natasha Romanoff.

Ben had died three years prior, and after a lengthy mourning process, May reluctantly decided to get back into the dating scene.

Luckily for her, this decision was made two days before she ran into the red haired assassin. Literally.

They'd both been jogging in opposite directions, then bang! They were on the ground, staring at each other in shock and awe. It was love at first headbutt.

Peter and Natasha hit it off right away, too.

Though, they didn't meet until nearly a year into May and Nat's relationship.

"So you must be Peter, huh?" Natasha smiled, crouching down be closer tp the small 8-year-old's height.

"Yes, ma'am!" Peter replied with a bright smile. "And you're Aunty Tasha, Aunt May's future wife."

May turned bright pink as Natasha raised an eyebrow towards her. "Oh am I?"

"Yup," Peter replied, rocking on his heels. "You're gonna marry Aunt May and teach me assassin skills! Then we'll be a three person happy family again!"

May spluttered lightly as she continued to flush deeper and deeper in embarrassment.

"So I have your permission to marry your aunt?" The assassin asked, smiling widely. Peter nodded frantically in response, getting a laugh from the Avenger.

Natasha stood up, taking a box out of her back pocket before kneeling down in front of May. "I was going to wait to do this, but I think now is as good a time as any... May Parker, would you do me the honour of becoming May Romanoff?"

"Yes!" May practically squealed as Nat flipped the box open, revealing a beautiful engagement ring.

As she tried it on, Peter was clapping enthusiastically to the side. "Yay! Now I can be a super secret assassin! Aunty Tasha, can you teach me now?"

Natasha laughed as she pulled May into a hug. "How about tomorrow, Petey-Pie?"

The child considered this for a second, then nodded.

———————

Natasha Romanoff, the wife of May Romanoff, was not impressed.

No, she was more then not impressed. She was furious.

"What the absolute FUCK, Tony?!" Natasha called when Spider-Man swung into sight, stealing Captain America's shield in the process.

"Huh?" Tony replied, confused.

"What the fuck is this?! Why would you bring him here?" The enraged assassin shouted.

Ironman frowned, looking around. "Who? Spider-Man?"

"YES! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING MY FIFTEEN YEAR OLD NEPHEW TO FIGHT CAPTAIN AMERICA?!" She roared, every person present wincing.

Huh, oh. Tony was about to die.

"I'm on you're side Tony, and yet you're secret weapon is my nephew? What were you thinking?!" Nat rounded on Tony as both Tony's side and Steve's side took seats, waiting for the mini spat to finish.

"Aunty Tasha, it's okay - look, Mr Stark got me a new suit!" Peter replied, trying to calm the female assassin. "And you taught me how to fight. I'm good!"

"You bought him with a new suit?!" Natasha gasped, letting out a loud growl. "That's it. No more of this fighting bullshit. Where are those assholes in charge? I'm beating them up and putting an end to this."

"Uh, Nat, I don't think that's a-" Before Tony could finish, Natasha's phone rang.

She answered the call, knowing immediately who it was. "Now listen here you mother fucking government bitch boy. You either stop this Accords nonsense or I'm going to track you down and brutally murder you."

There was a long moment of silence from the other line, then a nervous whisper. "I understand, I'll have the Accords torn up."

"Good," The assassin spat, ending the phone call. However, she clearly wasn't done with her rage, and Tony took off flying in the opposite direction. "I'm not through with you, Anthony Edward Stark, come back here!"

—————

"Has anyone seen my kid?" Tony asked as he stepped into the kitchen of Avengers tower.

There were multiple 'no's and 'nope's from the other heroes, and three deep frowns from Nat, May, and Tony's new husband - Stephen Stark-Strange.

"Have you lost Peter?" Natasha demanded, still somewhat testy about the whole accords bullshit.

Despite her uncertainty, she and May had happily signed over custody of Peter to Tony and Stephen after the Stark-Strange wedding. It was wish, after all.

"I know where he is," Clint muttered, drinking soggy cereal from his industrial sized cake mix bowl. "Friday, play the current security footage from vent 37, above office 61."

On the kitchen's flatscreen TV (because of course the Avenger's kitchen has a TV), the security feed began to play.

Peter, wearing his Spider-Man outfit, was slowly slinking through the vents, mumble-singing to himself.

"Spy-der-Man,
Spy-der-Man,
does whatever a Spy-der-Man can.
Spins a web, any size,
Catches thieves just like flies
Look Out!
Here comes the Spy-der-Man."

There was a long moment of silence, every hero in the kitchen too shocked to speak over what they'd just witnessed. Then, as if on queue, they all began cackling.

Even harder when Peter began singing the second verse.

"Is he strong?
Listen bud,
He was taught by Natasha Aunt-Fucking Romanoff, the queen herself, bow bitches!
He also has radioactive blood.
Of fucking course, he can swing from a thread,
Take a look overhead
Hey, there...
There goes the Spy-der-Man!"