NintendoJedi: And now it's time for a little thing I call The Waluigi Interview™!

Blue Toad: Wow, this already sounds stupid! What are we doing?

NintendoJedi: This is where you people get to ask Waluigi personal questions.

Daisy: So what you mean is, this is our chance to get to know everything we never wanted to know about Waluigi.

Mario: Alright, this sounds promising!

Toad: Where do we get these story cues from??

NintendoJedi: Hey, we have one rule around here. Just one. And it is Do Not Question The Writer.

Toad: But-

NintendoJedi: If I say you're going salsa dancing in the streets at 3 am, you're going salsa dancing!

Daisy: I have come to the sorry conclusion that we only exist to please the sick fancies of the audience.

Wario: What gives you that idea?

NintendoJedi: Just ask the beanpole questions.

Waluigi: Wait, who said I had to do this??

Toad: *unsheathes knife*

Waluigi: WHOA okay I'm listening!!

NintendoJedi: Better.

Yoshi: Yeah, okay, so I had a question. What species are you?

Waluigi: Waht kind of question is that?!

Yoshi: You're supposed to be answering questions. Answer it.

Mario: I wanted to ask first!

Toad: I think there's a reason interviews are usually one on one.

Yoshi: You'll get your turn, Mary, don't be so pushy!

Bowser: GWA HA HA!! Did he just say Mary?!

Mario: I told you not to call me that!!

Yoshi: WHAT SPECIES ARE YOU??

Waluigi: ...I dunno.

Daisy: *facepalm*

Yoshi: Nice try. ANSWER NOW!!

Waluigi: UGHH!! If you MUST know, I'm a human!! Isn't it obvious?

Wario: Barely.

Yoshi: I don't know. I was always under the impression he was some kind of elf... look at those ears and shoes.

Mario: Or a Hylian! He might be the missing link to Hyrule we've been searching for!

Waluigi: WAHT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??!

Blue Toad: Well, who cares. Whatever the heck he is, it's time to move on!

Waluigi: But wait I-

Mario: Alrighty, my turn! So beanpole, who are your parents?

Waluigi: Wah would you ask a question like that??

Mario: So I can figure out if they intended to have a son like you.

Toad: FEEL THE SIZZLING BURN!!

Daisy: If he says he doesn't know, I swear I'll throw him off a cliff.

Everyone: ...

Waluigi: ... Well that's CLASSIFIED, genius! I'm not allowed to spill backstory without the direct consent of Nintendo!

Toad: I think Waluigi was just supposed to be an ugly counterpart for Wario in team sports.

Wario: And by that, you're implying I'm NOT ugly, right?

Waluigi: Hey! What is this, Insult the Beanpole Time?

Mario: Haha, you called yourself a beanpole!

Wario: Really, slick as butter, genius.

Waluigi: Wah you - it's your dumb faults! It's rubbing off on me! You know name-calling is just for... insecure kids!

Luigi: Would you prefer your given name of Chives?

Waluigi: ITS NOT CHIVES!!

Mario: Chives...?

Bowser: Haha, chives? Like the stuff you put on baked potatoes?

Waluigi: WAH!!

Luigi: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But hey, I do have a question... a very good one!

Waluigi: Wal I'm not answering it!

NintendoJedi: Toad.

Toad: *unsheathes knife*

Waluigi: OKAY OKAY ASK AWAY!

Luigi: Erm... right. So... Waluigi, how exactly did we become rivals?

Waluigi: Waht?

Yoshi: Hey, that's a good point... They've been hating each other so long I don't even remember what started it.

Daisy: I always thought it was just Waluigi being some sore-losery wannabe boyfriend.

Bowser: I'm not sure I caught that.

Waluigi: ACTUALLY, my bitter and eternal hatred of the green goon started on a fateful day long ago, outside the old schoolhouse where we took third grade. It was the school science fair and he had been slacking off on his project till the last minute, while I had been working on my volcano for weeks. I specifically remember Mrs. Ingletoad saying that it was the most beautiful volcano she'd ever seen.

Mario: Shows how much she knows! I've seen five volcanoes prettier than whatever you made.

Blue Toad: This already sounds long and boring, can you just cut to the point?

Waluigi: Fine, whatever. Anywah, at the end of the day Luigi's dumb little photosynthesis plant thing ended up winning, and it gave off some chemical that blew up my volcano and caused Mrs. Ingletoad to call me a fool. And that day our glorious rivalry was born...

Luigi: That's funny, I don't remember that at all.

Waluigi: You actually have a terrible memory, too.

Mario: Actually, it's because that never happened.

Blue Toad: Are you calling him a liar?

Mario: Nah, I remember that day. It was just a few years ago, back in the 90's. We were playing tennis and then Wario was being a creep about something, and then this purple beanpole with glowing red eyes appeared from the shadows, like a giant movie spider. And then he came to the net and called Luigi a wimp for no reason and then they started arguing like a bunch of first graders until I came and broke them up. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the first time I saw Waluigi.

Daisy: ... glowing red eyes?

Mario: Don't ask.

Wario: Hey wait a minute, you never mentioned you were a vampire.

Waluigi: Um... you didn't see anything.

Everyone: ...

Yellow Toad: Great, now I'm going to have nightmares for sure.

Blue Toad: Are you sure about that?

Mario: I swear on the flag of the Mushroom Kingdom that I only spoke of what I saw that day.

Daisy: So...

Waluigi: ...

Peach: Um, well, Waluigi! I have a question... How did you and Wario become best friends?

Wario: WHAT?! You can't use the BF term!!

Peach: But... that's what you are!

Wario: We are NOT BFs!

Yoshi: Besties?

Wario: NO!

Mario: Oh, I've got it! BFFs!

Wario: NOOOOOOOO!!

Waluigi: Waht?!!? I thought our relationship was SPECIAL!!!

Wario: Well I don't use stupid names! Wario doesn't care about anybody!

Yoshi: Quick and blunt...

Waluigi: That's a filthy lie! What happened to our bathroom raids and our midnight thriller binges and our extreme board game tournaments?!

Wario: Yeah... that doesn't mean we're besties!

Blue Toad: OBVIOUS BFFs.

Mario: Hehe, what's the matter, Wario? Can't grow a backbone enough to show a little affection?

Wario: Oh, like THAT'S really what being a man is about!

Luigi: Actually, I think it is.

Blue Toad: Be quiet, Luigi. Nobody wants to know what your idea of the ideal man is.

Bowser: Well I think-

Blue Toad: Or yours either!

Daisy: Do the women get a say in this?

Blue Toad: No.

Mario: Well I'm not afraid to say it how it is, and I know Luigi's my best-a friend! *squeezes Luigi with one arm*

Luigi: Hehe...

Toad: Awwwww!

Yellow Toad: BFFs?!

Mario: ... Sure. Yeah!

Wario: Show off.

Peach: Well, uh... perhaps what I mean to ask is, how did Wario and Waluigi meet?

Waluigi: ... I dunno.

Daisy: *mega facepalm*

Wario: Oh, I can answer that. So this one time in pre-k I was building this super awesome manly block fortress, and then this freaky tallish kid who was still trying to learn to walk came plowing through my fortress like a dumb giant rhinoceros. He ended up in an extreme block throwing contest with me, which got us both in time out by the teacher. But in time out we started talking and plotted a way to sneak a frog into our teacher's chair.

Daisy: Let me guess... it worked like a charm?

Wario: Yeah baby it did. It was our first ever successful scheme. From then on we realized we had a future cheating people and ripping them off and driving their lives crazy, so a wonderful legacy began. And did you know, that kid grew up to be Waluigi?

Toad: GASP! Omg, I didn't see that coming!

Yoshi: You're not joking, are you?

Mario: Well, for some reason, that story actually seems kinda possible.

Daisy: So they've always been this idiotic. Good to know.

Mario: Of course, unless they're secretly related.

Wario: THATS CLASSIFIED! Anyway, our main time to shine is April Fools' Day, because we spend our time practicing schemes all year.

Peach: Why am I suddenly worried...

Bowser: Well, if you ask me, that is the stupidest story I've ever heard.

Mario: Nobody asked you, Bowser! But never fear, you can take everything Wario says with a grain of salt and pepper.

Luigi: You just mean salt, Mario.

Mario: No, salt and pepper.

Luigi: Whatever...

Wario: Well actually, I've got a question for Beanpole.

Waluigi: CHIVES!!

Wario ...?

Mario: Haha, you just called yourself Chives!

Waluigi: What- why you-

Wario: Yeah listen, I don't have time to listen to people babble like idiots. So my question is, when were you actually important in a game?

Waluigi: Waht?!

Wario: You heard me.

Waluigi: Important?! I am seriously totally important!

Mario: Yeah... that's debatable. At best.

Waluigi: Mary, I swear, you make me mad enough this time and I will punch you.

Wario: Yeah, hit him where it hurts!

Waluigi: Or I could kick a golf ball at you, if that's what you want.

Mario: ... NO! ANYWHERE BUT THERE!

Luigi: Mario, you know Waluigi's not game enough to actually do that.

Waluigi: Excuse me?! I am so game! Like, I was the big bad when I stole the music keys!

Mario: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. I guess it's the closest we'll ever get to Mario Ballet.

Waluigi: Are you saying my role in DDR Mario Mix was unimportant?!

Mario: Well it was kind of pathetic to beat you in a dance battle.

Waluigi: You did the same thing with Bowser!

Mario: Yeah, but we danced epically in cool lighting. It was totally different.

Bowser: Yeah, it was epic.

Daisy: So you admit you can dance.

Bowser: ... I don't know!

Waluigi: Well it doesn't matter, because I'm a constant Mushroom Kingdom presence!

Mario: Oh yeah? Where were you when the Star Festival was bombed? Where were you when the blorbs fat-ified everybody?

Waluigi: ... I dunno.

Toad: I'm telling you guys, he's just a pointless guy with no meaning other than to cause us headaches and anguish to the amusement of the audience!

NintendoJedi: Hey, he sounds like a perfect main character to me.

Yoshi: Well, uh... how bout some other questions? Uh... what's your favorite color?

Waluigi: Purple, duh!

Toad: Ooh, what's your favorite food?

Waluigi: ... I dunno.

Daisy: YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT!! Here, uh... what's your favorite sport?

Waluigi: ...I dunno.

Daisy: Come ON!!

Mario: What's your favorite car dealership?

Waluigi: I dunno.

Luigi: Really, Mario, how many people actually have a favorite dealership?

Bowser: Hey, I don't have a dealership, but I have a lot of service companies!

Mario: Yeah, well my favorite dealer is obviously Mercedes-Benz! Right now you can get their new GL something starting at only $57,000, no money down!

Luigi: Mario, do you even know what you're talking about?

Mario: Yeah, it's called advertising for our sponsors!

Waluigi: What does this have to do with me?!

Mario: Oh, right. So what's your favorite season?

Waluigi: I dunno.

Bowser: Favorite torture method?

Waluigi: ... I dunno.

Daisy: Does that mean he HAS one?

Wario: Favorite obese singer?

Waluigi: I dunno.

Daisy: Okay, I've officially had it. It is clear that Waluigi doesn't know anything.

Mario: What's your blood type?

Waluigi: ... I dunno!! How the heck am I supposed to??!

Mario: Oh, well I can take your blood sample right here and test for that.

Waluigi: WAH!?

Luigi: Uhh... do you have to do that right now?

Mario: Well we oughta get SOME answers out of this!

Daisy: Hey, maybe you can also check for chemical imbalances.

Waluigi: WAH?!!??!

Yoshi: Ugh, please stop doing that.

Waluigi: Wah!

Daisy: Yeah, really. What's its significance anyway? Does it have a meaning, or is it just... a noise?

Waluigi: WAH!! WAH!!

Bowser: Seriously! It's super dumb and annoying! You sound like... I don't know, Donald Duck being used as a plunger!

Yoshi: Wow. Thank you for that image.

Wario: Well too bad for you guys, I know it's meaning. And I'm never gonna tell you.

Daisy: What? Tell us now!

Wario: Wah!

Waluigi: WAH!!

Mario: AGGHHHH MAKE IT STOP!! ITS POISON TO MY EAR STOMACHS!!

Daisy: Well, I was right in assuming that absolutely nothing would come from this.

Luigi: I think maybe we should-

Waluigi: WAH!!

Toad: What? I couldn't-

Wario: Wah!

Peach: Um-

Wario: WAH!

Waluigi: WAH!

Blue Toad: I think we should-

Waluigi: Wah!

Blue Toad: -conclude this interview.

Toad: Who put you-

Wario: WAH!

Toad: -in charge?

Blue Toad: I did!

Wario: WAH!!

NintendoJedi: Well folks, that wraps it up! Thanks for tuning in. This has been The Waluigi Interview™!

Mario: WAIT-

Wario: WAH!

Mario: HELP ME!!!!

Wario and Waluigi: WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

And this has been The Waluigi Interview™.
A special recognition to Nintendo's unlikely partner, Mercedes-Benz. And now, a short film from the 90's.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

And now for an image from your nightmares: