Normal Mario Land
One lovely day, in the Mushroom Kingdom, the sun was shining bright and normal over Princess Peach's Castle. The question blocks were floating peacefully stationary at head level, the elliptical fire-spitting orange flowers were blooming, and the happy clouds were smiling down with their not-weird eyeballs. It was a perfect normal day! Until...
That afternoon, a scary letter that was on evil red paper fell outside the gates of Peach's Castle. It said:
Hey chumps!
I'm having a big baseball tournament today at my awesome castle in Baseball Kingdom! You know, the entire island named just for baseball? You're all indicted... I mean invited! Come and try your skills — if you dare! Gwahaha!
-Bowser
This letter also reached DK on his own island that was named after him (who immediately ran off to accept the challenge because he seemingly had nothing better to do)...
And Yoshi on HIS own island named after him!
Meanwhile, somewhere out in the perfect sunny plains of the Mushroom Kingdom, which was obviously named for the inhabitants' love of small wild fungi...
Frowning with determination, a small red-capped figure with an unrealistically large nose wound up a baseball for a pitch.
Whoosh! With astounding precision, he let it fly...
Right into the waiting mitt of our good friend, Luigi! Catching it with only a slight stumble, the younger brother of our hero tossed the ball right back. A moment later, it was caught by a fielding jump from none other than our favorite hero, Mario!
OUR FAVORITE HERO!
The Mushroom Kingdom's favorite bros, who you are already supposed to be familiar with, were out doing some friendly ball practice today when all the sudden...
A mysterious paper fell right out of the sky!
Catching the ball that his brother threw him, our favorite hero stopped and looked up in surprise as the red paper came drifting down unsuspiciously in the middle of the field. Catching it, he and Luigi stopped to read it over, not at all questioning where it had come from.
When they had read the message they looked at each other and then back up at the sky in epic determination. They didn't know how it had gotten there, but they were raring to accept any challenge thrown their way!
Heck yeah!
***
Later that same day, the group of friends set sail on the wide unspecified sea. The destination?
They were going to Baseball Kingdom of course, a land of baseball on a convenient island that Princess Peach had built especially for them!
It was always fun and games... except when Bowser got involved. If Bowser was holding a tournament, what could that mean??
Now, they all crowded around the rail of their unexplained white yacht as they headed shamelessly for their twentieth sports game of the month.
Daisy pointed. "Look! Princess Peach is waiting for us!" she yelled, indicating the pink princess on the shore who had been inexplicably separated from the rest of the group. Shouting indistinctly, she waved back.
"Yes! I'm-a so ready to play some baseball!" Mario said too enthusiastically.
"Yoshi!" Yoshi said.
A few moments later the yacht parked itself by the landing pad which had a convenient red carpet. The friends all patiently and unrealistically got off one by one.
"Welcome!" Peach waved a hand at them as they came down the ramp. "I hope you all are ready to play baseball!"
They all cheered happily.
"I haven't seen any sign of Bowser yet — do you think he's here?" Peach asked.
"Aw, don't you worry, Princess! If he's here, we'll find him!" Toad spoke up in his scratchy voice. "For now, why don't we all enjoy some baseball??"
"Yeah!!!" Everyone cheered again.
CUT TO THE NEXT SHOT, APPROXIMATELY 36 SECONDS LATER
Happy music that sounded like it was ripped from a free music website in 2005 blasted over invisible loudspeakers as Mario and friends took the field in Mario Stadium (a normal baseball field named for someone I bet you can't guess). They had magically pulled out gloves and bats from a place we don't know and stormed the stadium in a matter of seconds. Because who cares about physics when you can play ball??
"YEEHAW!!" Toad screeched, swinging his colored bat and leaving rainbows scattering in the air behind it.
"WOOHOO!!" Luigi yelled, swinging his bat also at nothing.
"OH YEAH!!" Daisy added, jumping up to show off her sporty outfit that everyone had seen ten million times before.
"LET'S-A PLAY!!" Mario shouted, tossing up a flaming baseball from nowhere. Suddenly standing on the pitcher's mound before a stadium that was suddenly packed with adoring shy guys and screeching piantas who were waving palm trees over their heads, he reared up his leg to pitch, because that's how normal people throw a baseball.
Then he let it fly at over 500 kilometers per hour! (That's a lot of miles per hour!) It was enough to break their pitch speed machine!
Whoosh! The baseball hurtled towards home plate before Daisy whacked it back with her orange bat, sending it flying in a flurry of flower petals over center field!
Two inadequately-conditioned toads went scrambling after it, as if they had a single chance of stopping a ball that was going way over the wall. Too bad they didn't have a super mushroom!
But what's this? They still tried to get some air by vaulting off each other in a gymnastic bid to catch the ball, just like your local sports team! Everyone watched as Blue Toad launched himself onto Yellow Toad's head and rocketed about a hundred yards into the sky...
Only to miss the ball anyway! The crowd went wild as Daisy swung her arms dramatically in the air before gallivanting around the bases at a pace that would get her kicked out of the major leagues for showboating.
But the fun was only just beginning!
Then it was Yoshi's turn to bat. He pulled back and sent an inexplicable spotted egg bouncing across right field as Wario and Waluigi, everyone's favorite good-bad ugly-dork guys, threw bob-ombs across the stadium like harmless hacky sacks. With a well-timed "WAH!!", they managed to graze the goomba outfielder, who had a perfectly normal disembodied baseball mitt for a hand. Sliding face-first along the grass, he just caught the ball in his glove, sending our dino friend out!
Hanging his head in shame, Yoshi threw his bat angrily back towards the dugout.
Next up was suddenly the other team for some reason! Luigi came up to bat looking awkward as ever and managed to rip a single! Peach caught the ball and tossed it in a shower of hearts back to first with an unnecessary yell, but not before he could safely run across the base.
Now it is unspecified which team is batting, but Mario himself is up to the plate! All eyes are riveted to him as he holds his bat out at arm's length, scoping out the scoreboard far away. The music stops! He's calling his own shot, like the crazy experts do!
The field falls to a hush as all people look to the score and realize that it is suddenly 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth — the most stressful moment in all of baseball! Mario's team is somehow down 1 — and the bases are loaded! Oh my!
Wario is the opposing pitcher. He winds up for a pitch...
When out of nowhere Bowser slams down before the plate!
"RAIUIGGHH!!" With a mighty roar that shook the ground, the great terrifying koopa king that actually looks like a goofy movie monster glared at them menacingly! At his side suddenly appears a plethora of utterly terrifying baddies that you'd never want to see in a dark alley: hammer bros, spikes, koopas and goombas and shy guys. Even Kamek has shown up with a flying broom! And they all look angry!
The crowd gasps in horror and shock as play stops. Mario lowers his bat with surprise. "Uh oh!" He yelps.
Meanwhile Peach, Daisy and Toad gasp from the dugout rail. Bowser chuckles evilly with a sound you'd surely hear in your worst nightmares.
"It's B-b-bowser!!" Toad yells, pointing because they might not know the monster's name.
"Oh no!" Peach exclaims, running out from the dugout onto the field. She could say something else, perhaps diplomatic, but instead she merely stands and watches in fear. The crowd begins to make restless noises of confusion.
Bowser growls again to see them all playing baseball — and then he lifts up his invitation. It's the one he sent them earlier today.
"Oh no! What will we ever do??" Toad yelled.
Out of nowhere Toadsworth came careening onto the field with way more energy than he should be able to. "What if he's just trying to kidnap the princess??" He yells. "The princess! The PRINCESS!! THE PRIN-CESSSSSS!!" He promptly faints on the field before their very eyes.
He is just so beside himself about the safety of the princess!
Bowser growls. "Aw, come on! Why would I do something like that?? I know you scheduled sports for today! Even I'M not that big of a jerk!"
Everyone looks at each other skeptically. Can they really trust Bowser this time, after all the tennis matches they've played and lava pits they've thrown him down?
Then Mario suddenly perked up. "Hey! I got it!" He exclaims, suddenly realizing what to do. "Let's-a ALL play baseball together!"
The baddies look at each other in awe. They never could have guessed that Mario would let them join in the fun too, when they obviously looked so homicidally evil!
Bowser glances at them skeptically, and then breaks into a hearty laugh. It sounds like he likes that idea!
When did this become present tense?
Swinging his giant iron spiked cudgel that is definitely regulated onto his shoulder, Bowser gets behind the plate to let Mario take his turn, like all good friends do. It's time for him to take his shot to win the game!
Wario winds the pitch...
And BLAM!! Mario smacks it back with astounding speed! The entire stadium is silent as a mouse as the ball hurtles overhead and crashes into the sea beyond, never to be found. All eyes are still staring...
Until all at once the place erupts with happy cries of celebration! The fans are going nuts! Mario's team runs out of the dugout, happy as larks, to toss him in the air in victory. What a great game!
"We're superstars!!" Mario says.
As things calm down a little, Mario's friends crowd around him. "Yoshi yoshi!" Yoshi suggests.
"Hey, great idea!" Screams Toad. "We should go have a party to celebrate! It'll be like a Mario Party!!"
"Ooh, great idea!" Peach agrees, clasping her hands. "I'll bake a delicious cake! Come on, everyone! We can have a party after sunset!"
"Yahoo!!" Mario shouted, jumping in excitement.
"I guess there's only one thing left to do..." Daisy said. "Invite Bowser and his baddies!"
***
Later that evening, the stars were shining over the water around Baseball Kingdom as the island awakened with sounds of music and laughter. Everyone was having a good time: there was lots of good food — even Bowser and Bowser Jr got some cake — and impressive dance moves on the Daisy Cruiser!
Meanwhile, Mario and DK were doing a bob-omb derby fireworks display from the baseball field. With each bomb they smacked (or punched, in DK's case) into the sky, it lit up with a colorful explosion!
But then...
A shadow fell across the pile of normal, non-living bob-ombs. Rubbing their hands together and laughing sneakily, a pair of troublemakers eyed the goods.
And it was none other than the sneaky duo, Wario and Waluigi! Sneering cleverly at their latest trick, the two hoisted up a huge bullet bill. Without a second thought, they loaded it up in the firing cannon—where it was fired right at a startled Mario!
"Huh???" He exclaimed. Oh no! It was speeding so fast he could hardly react in time!
That's when all the sudden...Bowser appeared! Swinging his iron cudgel bat, he jumped right in front of him and knocked it into next week. Changing its course after being bludgeoned in the face, the sentient(?) bullet swung around, making a beeline instead right for Wario and Waluigi!
Wuh oh!!
"OH NO!!" The two yelled, holding out their hands as if they can stop the bullet.
Nope! All at once, the bullet bill grabs the two by their arms and launches upward, carrying them high into the sky — up up and away!!
Everyone on Baseball Kingdom stares at the night sky in awe as the bullet bill suicides to create an enormous explosion of red and orange and every other color — a fantastic firework to finish the show! Everyone watching on the Daisy Cruiser cheers for joy.
Wario and Waluigi scream and kick as they plummet back to the sea hundreds of yards below. Oh well!
Mario stands at home plate, glancing at Bowser with a grin of appreciation for saving him. Who ever could have guessed that Bowser would do such a thing? And who would bother wasting time being concerned that Wario and Waluigi tried to murder him in front of hundreds of people? Not us!
"Don't look at me like that, Mario!" Bowser growls, shouldering his bat with what looks like embarrassment. "I'm going to kidnap the princess next week, got it?"
"...Quiet, you big Bowser," Mario says disapprovingly. A moment passes. Then they all burst into happy laughter!
The End!
Hey guys! How's it going? ^_^
I was thinking recently about ways I could revise or improve my story writing technique, to kind of reflect the games accurately a bit more, and this was kind of a test run for that new story format. What do you think?
I really like it, so I think I might do stories more like this from now on.
Thanks for reading!
~NintendoJedi
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HAHAHAHAHAHABAHAHA
Surprise!
...Did I get you?
Come on, don't tell me that wasn't funny.
Yes, settle down, people, I'm just messing with you. (I hope that was obvious.) That was what I guess you would call fanfic satire...?
I was just thinking about how the 'real games' differ from Crazy Mario Land — hence, Normal Mario Land — and I thought it'd be fun to explore that and then play a prank on you.
Don't get me wrong, I love the normal Mario games and everything about them; they are why we are here in the first place. But O B V I O U S L Y I had to write a deadpan parody of them.
As always, I hate my lack of updates and I hope this makes up for it, so please enjoy the program!
Now let's see what
R E A L L Y happened!!
NintendoJedi: Alright people, let's get it together!
Mario: ...What was all that about?
NintendoJedi: Nothing Mario, don't worry about it at all. Don't look and you won't be hurt.
Wario: Too late! Man, it's no wonder you people give me headaches!
NintendoJedi: I SAID LETS GET IT TOGETHER!!
...
One Mushroom Kingdom Day, in not-normal Mario Land, something very strangely normal happened. And it's called the gang had a good time and played baseball!
Blue Toad: Baseball. That one sport that is actually very normal and perfectly nothing ever happens to complain about!
Peach: ...I think you're being a little under dramatic, Blue Toad.
Luigi: What do we mean by 'normal'? We sort of tried that one time, and it didn't work.
NintendoJedi: No one ever said anything about normal! Who said normal? Now get out there and have a normal day. You know, playing baseball and whatnot.
Mario: I'm getting a little... how do the kids say it? Sus.
Daisy: *Groan.*
Mario: You see that picture of a beanpole up there? That's pretty normal if you ask me.
Luigi: Mario that's NOT normal—
Anyway! The sun was shining in the sky, the birds were chirping, and all seemed well. For a few seconds.
Luigi was skipping happily to the mailbox that morning, happy because Mario had volunteered to clean the breakfast dishes. When he got there he opened the mailbox and took out his mail.
Because it's not gonna fall out of the sky from nowhere or anything.
He took out the evil red paper and began to read aloud:
Dear pesky plumbers:
The koopalings and I have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom. The princess is now a permanent guest at MY awesome castle! I dare you to —
Mario: NO!! NO!!!
Toad: This sounds promising!
NintendoJedi: See, Toad respects the culture.
Mario: THAT DOESNT MAKE IT A GOOD THING!!! GOOD THINGS DONT MAKE YOUR EARS PUKE!!
Luigi: *hides under a table*
Mario: AWFUL EVIL WHY MUST YOU CONTINUALLY TORTURE ME???!
Wario: Aw, come on. We do not continually torture you.
Daisy: ...Although, technically, I see where he's coming from. This book hasn't exactly been super kind to him so far.
Mario: Thank you! I'd just like to point out that this far in this book I've been exposed to the floating Mario head, Rabbid Peach, Wario's GAS MASK, and now this.
Wario: *shrug* So were we.
Mario: I was also turned into a baby, punched in the face, broke my arm, and woke up in a coffin once.
Waluigi: Well thank you for summing that up! Why don't we all sit down and feel sorry for Mario??
Toad: You're forgetting about the time you were a zombie.
Mario: ..........What?
NintendoJedi: ALRIGHT we get it, let's not get carried away here.
Mario: I mean I'm just saying that this book has always been very biased towards me, and not in a good way. Where are the fictional character's rights??
Bowser: You have a right. To SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Mario: NOBODY ASKED YOU, BOWSER!
...
If you're lucky enough that that went over your head, move along. Nothing to see here.
Anyway, Luigi stopped reading the letter when he realized something. "Wait a minute, this can't be right. ...It's too normal! Oh wait, I'm reading it wrong. Silly me." He turned the paper upside down. "There we go. Now it says:
Dorks,
I'm having an awesome baseball tournament at YOUR stupid baseball island later today! Come challenge me for a chance at my undying admiration AND a new Mercedes S-Class model to be produced at a later date! Not that you baby wimps actually have a chance at winning like last time! I'm not gonna specify the time, but you're gonna show up on cue—I just know it!
-King Awesome the First (Bowser)
Luigi stared. "Wow. ...I didn't think Bowser could actually write!"
After collecting that and a pile of fan letters for Mario written in crayon, Luigi headed inside. "Hey Mario!! Guess what? Mario—!"
He stopped when he reached the kitchen, where Mario was standing at the sink, balancing dishes against his still-bandaged arm while thoroughly licking a dirty plate.
You see, we have continuity here. Continuity is the sign of all normal writing.
Luigi stared. "Mario! What is wrong with you??"
Mario jumped, glanced back, then glared. "Nothing! ...What's wrong with you?"
"Oh, I don't know. I just wanted some help with the dishes and when you offered I kind of assumed you would actually HELP, not be an immature kid who has to put his tongue on every plate we own!"
Mario gestured to the pile. "How did you expect me to clean with this sandpaper straightjacket on my arm? And they're much cleaner now, anyway!"
Luigi pouted immaturely. "Why can't you just be a normal brother and play ball with me??"
Mario shrugged indifferently and went back to licking his plates.
Luigi rolled his eyes and finally turned back to the paper. "Anyway, we got a letter from Bowser," he said. "I thought you might like to know."
Mario raised his eyebrows. "Does this one have another dumb drawing of me being dead?"
Luigi checked. "Uh, no."
Daisy: ...What?
Bowser: I, uh... have to keep the hate mail business in business.
Bowser Jr: So THAT'S where my dead Mario drawing went.
Yoshi: Why am I NOT disturbed by this?
Blue Toad: Because you live here.
Anyway, Luigi held up the letter. "Here, let me just read it to you."
ONE REPETITIVE LETTER LATER
"So what do you think? Should we go play Mario Baseball and try our hand for a new Mercedes?"
Mario was sitting thoughtfully on the counter. "...What's a baby wimp?" he asked.
Luigi sighed and turned to the closet. "I don't know why I even try to communicate with you. ...And get your rear off the counter."
Mario scooted off. "So are we going? ...Does this mean we get to take the yacht?? Please tell me we can take the yacht!"
"Yes," Luigi said. "Assemble the posse."
Mario jumped. "WOOHOO!!"
And just when you thought we were gonna cut the yacht for being unrealistic. Or too normal. Or whatever sweetens your tea.
ONE UNSPECIFIED YACHT LATER
When Mario and Luigi got to the dock down in Toad Town Harbor they were only slightly surprised to find a crowd of goons already there.
"What are you goons doing here?" Mario asked Wario, observing him juggle a handful of peanut packages before dropping them all into the water.
"We heard you were going somewhere. So we're crashing," Wario replied.
He didn't get the chance to elaborate because just then the promised white yacht pulled up to the dock. It was manned by a toad captain who could not see over the wheel.
"Alright! Did you all get that Hotel Mario letter too?" Luigi asked.
"I did," Peach replied. "And I invited Daisy and the toads along."
"Me too," said Yoshi.
"Oh yeah, I invited some goons from my island too," DK put in. "Just wanted to warn you."
"Oh, no problem," Mario said, although he seemed peeved. "As long as they aren't all obsessed with snapping people's limbs!"
DK was surprised. "What, are you still mad about the arm thing?" he asked. "I thought you said it was nothing—
"It is nothing!" Mario snapped, walking away with his bandage.
"So... where exactly does the yacht come from?" Blue Toad asked. "Who owns it?"
"That's unspecified, Blue Toad," Peach scolded. "Stop ruining it."
NintendoJedi: Actually Nintendo gave us a budget to buy one specifically for getting to sporting events, but we spent most of it on hair products for the human protagonists. Except Waluigi.
Waluigi: WAH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I HAVE AMAZING HAIR—
NintendoJedi: So anyway, the yacht isn't that great.
Yellow Toad came up to the dock, looking impressed. "Ooo, we're going boating?? No one told me that we had a yacht!"
"Yellow Toad, you've literally known that for the last twenty years," Peach said. "And we're just going to play baseball."
"That's right! Next stop, Baseball Kingdom!" the toad captain yelled shrilly, scooting the boat closer to the dock. He accidentally bumped the edge, causing the ramp to fall out and peg Waluigi on the head.
"Oh joy," Luigi said. "Let us hope no one dies this time."
"....What do you mean this time??" Yellow Toad gaped.
After leaving that issue unresolved, the gang began loading onto the yacht! But unfortunately the yacht is actually not that big, at least not big enough to safely hold about a dozen crazies with no sense of fear. So while the smaller people crowded the rail, DK came on in the rear and smushed Yoshi's head between the bars of the railing.
"All comfy up there?!" The toad captain screeched from behind the wheel.
"No wait I—
"AND WE'RE OFF!!" He screamed, pulling the boat away. Or at least he tried to. He backed off, but then the engine spluttered a second and he went drifting back into the dock.
"SOMEBODY—
Yoshi's protruding head was an unfortunate victim.
After a few more nicks in the hull of the discount yacht, they finally turned for open sea! There were chairs around the edges of the boat, all of which were taken up by the toads who have no legs anyway. So all the other people stood around, trying to keep their balance and their breakfasts firmly rooted to the floor.
Don't take that too literally.
Wario was squatting on the deck like a pigeon. "Hey look, I'm surfing! No hands!"
Daisy groaned and went to stand by the rail, where she began trying to pull Yoshi's head out of the current.
Meanwhile Peach was arguing with the toad captain. "Toad, really I can drive," she offered. "I'm not sure if your chair height is regulated—
"Hogwash princess, sure it is. There's no laws out here in the open ocean! Watch and learn!" The captain did a completely random bank left, slicing the water like a ham and causing a wave to roll over the deck.
All the toads clapped. Wario was left standing like an uncool bystander in a splash zone.
Meanwhile Waluigi, who had been flopping from side to side all over the deck because he couldn't stand on his two legs, was thrown smack into Mario, who was leaning by the railing. When he crushed his bandaged arm there was a brief sound like a tea kettle going off, and then Mario grabbed Waluigi with one hand and chucked him straight over the railing into the ocean and then they had to argue for five minutes about whether they should stop and turn around for him, which went a little like this:
DK: Mario, where did the foob go?
Wario: I'm right here!
Blue Toad: Haha, now you're calling yourself that.
DK: No, the other one. The purple lanky one with the crazy hairdo.
Mario: Yeah, um, he's uh, he's fine. Don't look back.
Daisy: Mario, what did you do??
Luigi: Really, I'm surprised that nobody saw that.
Blue Toad: *sigh* Well we're doing a precious little amount of playing baseball, which is why I bothered to get on this ocean liner to cuckoo land in the first place, so I say we cut our losses and keep going.
Peach: But you all! He's overboard! We can't just leave—
Yoshi: (from between the railing) Really though, how many 'dead bodies recovered from ocean' stories do we see on the front page of the Mushroom Gazette?
Peach: None, and I'd prefer to keep it that way.
Wario: I dunno, I think a gruesome news story here and there would keep the people from getting too soft and idealistic.
Everyone:....
Daisy: Isn't he your best friend?
Wario: I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONE EXCEPT ME, YOU GOT IT, PUNKS?? ...Good.
Mario: Well, on the bright side, if we don't go back, we can save ten minutes of our life.
Luigi: *facepalm* And if we do, the rest of our lives will be miserable but guilt free so let's just get him already!!
....after which they finally did go back and found Waluigi hitching a ride on a piece of driftwood with a seagull who was pecking his head because it thought it was food or something.
"A lifesaver for the scallywag!" The toad captain shouted cheerfully as he threw the floaty to him and they yanked him aboard.
Once that was finally over Waluigi took a place at the very bow and spread his arms wide.
"I'M KING OF THE WORRRRLD!!" He hollered while that goofy music from Titanic played.
Blue Toad threw up his hands. "CAN SOMEONE REMIND ME WHY I LIVE IN THIS UNIVERSE?"
Mario gasped and glared at Waluigi. "Why you little—! I wanted to do the king of the world thing and YOU STOLE IT!! Now it's not gonna be special anymore!!"
Luigi grabbed his shoulder. "Mario calm down it's just a yacht—
Daisy leaned back on the rail and stared into oblivion. "For some reason I thought this episode was gonna be about baseball."
We didn't forget about that, mind you.
So after they finally arrived at Baseball Kingdom 13 extremely long minutes later, and removed Yoshi's head via a crowbar, the whole herd shoved and kicked and pushed into the tiny exit gate so they could fall onto shore in a giant disorderly heap. No one was waiting for them when they arrived, because that would be creepy.
"Alright, who's ready to play some baseball?" Peach asked as enthusiastically as someone could for the circumstances.
The circumstances had plummeted sort of like when you think you're going to play in the big leagues, but it ends up being softball in the backyard with your mom. Which is not a bad thing if you're spending time with your family, but this was somehow not that.
"Alright! Now we just need an epic scene change and game prep montage!" Toad squealed, punching the air.
"Yeah, too bad, little fungus. To do a video montage you need a five-person camera crew and last I checked, no camera crew," Wario crossed his arms.
Now Luigi was offended. "What? You mean we actually have to go through the locker rooms to grab our equipment??"
"Living in the normal rules of physics stinks," Yellow Toad grumbled.
"That's why I try so hard to defy them!" Waluigi said, doing that outrageously weird thing where he spins around with one foot by his head.
"OKAY TO THE LOCKER ROOMS!" Daisy shrieked in terror.
ONE BORING TRANSITION TO THE LOCKER ROOMS LATER
Picture what you know about high school sports locker rooms. Now take out all the sweaty athletes and replace them with toads shrieking as they struggle to pull jerseys over their heads. Then add a little of that low-quality 2005 music in the background that Wario was piping in through a speaker.
"Okay all, here's the bats," Daisy announced like a drill sergeant. "You only get one, so if you break yours in half, don't come crying to me. Then you have to use your stub. Are we clear?"
She opened the locker and the mountain of wood came tumbling down on top of the toads like coal on Christmas morning.
Elsewhere, the humans were trying on gloves by the cubbies.
"What's wrong with this dumb locker room? All the gloves are too small!" Waluigi complained, throwing one over his head. It knocked Peach's crown off and caused her to trip on the pile of bats like princesses do all the time.
"Maybe if you put your hands on that diet I recommended," Wario snickered.
"Hand diet???" Waluigi questioned. "....You NEVER mentioned a hand diet! And my hands are not fat! You calling me fat?"
"If you guys are done, there are 20,000 noxiously pumped piantas and shy guys out there who flew in from two continents over to see tonight's game, so why don't we pull it together!!" DK hollered in the door. He gloatingly adjusted his batting glove, which is what all the hip people use in baseball. It also multipurposes as a weapon!
Peach grabbed her pink bat and clapped her hands. "Alright Mushroom Monarchs! That's our team name," she informed. "Who's ready to stick it to the other guys?"
"I'll stick it so hard it'll never come out!" Yellow Toad hollered.
Everyone stood awkwardly for a moment.
Then:
"Whoa whoa whoa, 'Mushroom Monarchs'? What kind of dumb team name is that?" Wario asked.
"Mine," Peach replied, crossing her arms.
"Uh... yeah, well, I thought we agreed on the name Team Macho Muscles," he said.
"As I recall it was Team Wahsome," Waluigi put in.
"I voted for Luigi Vacuums," Luigi spoke up from where he was trying to shove a catchers mitt onto Mario's hand.
See, they were going to play baseball like in the ideal fun video game, but the problem was that Mario still had an arm that was quite broken. That's inconvenient for the 8 year olds who wanted to play video games after school.
"OW! Would you quit it?? I'm not wearing it on that hand!" Mario snapped.
"But Mario, you have to."
"No I don't! I'm ambidextrous now, got it??"
Luigi rolled his eyes. "If you can't play, there's no harm in saying so..."
"I'm playing!! It's called Mario Baseball, and I'm bringing the Mario. Now hand me my bat." They watched him badly try to pick up his bat with his gloved hand for a minute, only to drop it on the floor when he almost succeeded.
"Oh yeah, this is gonna be LOADS of fun," Daisy groaned.
"But wait, who are we playing?" Toad asked.
Out of nowhere a giant TV screen dropped into the shot. A pair of sports commentators sat behind the desk as peppy music blared.
"Welcome to tonight's game, folks! I'm your head broadcaster here on MKSN, Mushroom Kingdom Sports Network, Lakitu, reporting to you live from the rooftops overlooking beautiful Mario Stadium, Baseball Kingdom! Here with me today is my co-anchor Green Toad, the one with a college degree that never gets screen time! Momentarily we'll be witnessing the start of the game between the Mushroom Monarchs and the Bowser Buttkickers, in a special one-off that will determine who wins a snazzy new Mercedes S-class!"
"If that doesn't get you pumped for sports I don't know what will," Green Toad marveled. "Looking at today's starting lineup, we've got Princess Peach pitching for the Monarchs — undefeated three years in a row!"
"Exactly — but she'll be up against Bowser Jr on the other side of the field. He's one tricky trap!"
"Bowser's starting team consists mostly of typical bad guy fare: Koopas and goombas, shy guys, etc. Many might wonder where the king himself will be!"
"That would be in the bullpen growling orders into his dugout phone," Lakitu replied, shaking his head. "He's drilling some mean hammer bros for relief pitching tonight — batters better beware!"
"Yes, but don't count our Mushroom folks out yet! They've just got a bus load of assistance as well — I've heard the biggest additions are King K. Rool from DK Island, and Rosalina from outer space! It's gonna be one heck of a time tonight!"
"We'll be here with the first pitch after these messages," Lakitu said.
As the team began flooding into the dugout, they stared across the field at the opposing team to see a bunch of koopas and shy guys holding up signs that said things like 'U SUK'.
"So it looks like Bowser is here," Daisy remarked. "What do you know? I figured he was just trying to kidnap you again."
"Everybody just stay focused, we're gonna do great," Peach said, ignoring the comment. "As the self-appointed mom of the dugout, there will be no language over a Teen rating, and any issues are to be taken up with Toadsworth, our manager," she said, pointing over at Toadsworth, who was sitting in the corner with the stat sheets after having to cancel his tea with the queen of the Waffle Kingdom to fly over for the game.
"Thanks for being here, Toadsworth," she said. "We were hoping to have a normal day."
"I think you've done splendidly so far," he praised.
At that moment Toad came passing through the dugout, dragging a torn bag of peanuts which was spilling all over the floor. "Make way! Can't have a ballgame without peanut shells."
Peach stared in masked dismay at the mess. "I don't know what I expected," she said at last.
"Ah, the dugout! Do you smell it, boys?" Wario said, inhaling the peanut shells with satisfaction.
"All I smell is that dumpster," Waluigi said, gesturing to the one behind the fence.
"No! That's the smell of our home turf for the next nine innings. It's the bench of dreams! It's the hangout of the greats! It's... the birthplace of crude jokes!"
"Not in my Christian Minecraft dugout," Peach said sternly, and that shut everyone up.
Now.
As the benched players headed for the batting cages to practice, King K. Rool and Rosalina came over with their hoard of kremlins and lumas which you always need on a baseball lineup of this scale.
"Did you call for backup?" Rosalina asked.
"Yeah, actually we didn't, but welcome to the team!" Peach said. "How did you know?"
Rosalina laughed sheepishly. "I got a call from marketing."
"Quick question, who's the king of the alligators?" Blue Toad spoke up from where he was already loaded with two gallon-size soft drinks.
"He's discount Bowser from Donkey Kong Land for the purpose of extra home runs," Wario explained.
K. Rool pulled out his edgy blaster equivalent and pelted him with a cannonball, which left a mark in the wall.
In the news booth...
"Alright, looks like it's time to play! Everyone... PLAY BALL!" Lakitu announced.
"It's so great to be out here having a good old normal time like we used to!" Green Toad said as the teams took the field. "The Buttkickers take the defense first, so first to bat we can expect Daisy! Look out for her unforgiving flower swing!"
Down by the dugout, the Monarchs were huddled for their game prep planning. No one actually planned the planning, so it went like this.
"Waht do I do?" Waluigi asked, slinging a bat over his shoulder.
"Hold a stick and stand there," Yellow Toad said.
"Brilliant!" Yoshi said sarcastically. "And when you actually do manage to hit the ball by mere chance, the toads and lumas will be positioned there, there and there on the sidelines to throw eggs and bombs at the outfielders and ensure your chances of a base hit."
Wario nodded. "Sounds foolproof. Do we get walk up music?"
"Already in the machine," Daisy grinned. "Now step back and let me show you how we play baseball." She flexed her custom bat and headed up the steps.
"Get out there and pound them!" Mario yelled, slamming his fist into his hand, realizing he was injuring himself, and then blending into the background.
Daisy took the batter's box while 'Hit Me With Your Best Shot' blasted the speakers out of the rooftops.
"Come on chimps! Let's play baseball!" BJ yelled from the mound.
"What?" Daisy yelled, for the distance was very large.
"I meant WIMPS! Whatever! Eat this!" And then without warning he threw a paintball at her face.
She was plastered back against the fence with massive hair injuries.
Blue and Yellow Toads sat on the bench eating popcorn and cheered. "WOOOO!! BASEBALL!!"
Now, I could describe the entire game to you in a very long, accurate and descriptive fashion, but that would likely take someone with a lot of skill. Therefore, since you're probably just here for the carnage anyway, we'll stick with the highlights, which should have an effect not unlike a high-energy baseball montage:
That song Bad Blood tore people's eardrums as Wario came to the plate and ripped one across right field, and we're not specifying what exactly it was that he ripped. A toad who was on item duty chucked ten road hazards into the field, the last of which was an unfortunate luma who got pelted into a dry bones' backside and got stuck there. Paragoombas (who had been assigned as paramedics for some reason) had to fly out and extract them.
DK managed to punch a home run with his batting glove, which two of Bowser's minions almost caught, except the magikoopa in the outfield tripped on his robe and accidentally zapped a koopa nearby, turning him into an actual turtle.
"And that's why you don't wear dresses to baseball practice, kids," Waluigi said, right before Rosalina used her magic wand to hit a double (all in her gown). Then King K. Rool came up and scored another two runs for them, although he emitted a magical shower of sweat with every swing (unfortunately for the poor shy guy who was catching).
Later, Bowser's team batted, which was nothing much of interest, except once a ball came sailing down in the outfield and Waluigi was screaming so much that he accidentally caught it in his mouth.
And swallowed it.
Then the review people had to go stand around awkwardly for five minutes discussing whether or not the ball was still in play before finally ruling his stomach as out territory.
Another time, a hammer bro had a sure fire home run coming their way, so Mario and Luigi, who were currently in the outfield, ran to stop it.
"You stand at the wall and I'll jump!" Mario yelled.
"Mario, I can't throw you that high in the air! Let me jump!" Luigi yelled.
"No, Luigi! I can't hold you!"
"Why? Because your arm is broken??"
"No!.... Your face is broken!"
Luigi gasped, stopping dead in his tracks at this assault.
Needless to say, Bowser scored a run that inning.
Peach was over here on the mound kissing baseballs and hurling them at unsuspecting batters who got knocked senseless by her magic love power, which is very realistic. You can't fake her pitching numbers, after all.
Then the next half inning saw Waluigi swing and miss at a ball that was obviously out of the strike zone.
"OUT!!" Yelled the identical Lakitu who was definitely not the one in the broadcast booth.
Waluigi threw his purple bat and it pegged Toad who was hanging on the dugout fence. He fell and slipped on the peanut shells (total retribution).
"Waht??!" Waluigi shrieked. "You can't call that strike! I still have another shot!"
"Are you callin me a liar??" asked the umpire.
"I ain't callin you a truther!!" Waluigi yelled. Luigi and Yoshi glanced at each other from where they were watching in the infield.
"Well I'm afraid you'll have to suck it up, because the video review people in New Donk already ruled you out," the ump said, crossing his arms.
"Those are just a couple of piantas in beach clothes who were paid off by Bowser! They're cheating!"
"They're cheating??" The umpire asked, eyeing his gear, which was nonexistent.
You see, no one used helmets or other protective gear, because that would detract from the overall aesthetic that comes with having good hair in the outfield. So anyway.
"Everybody cheats but me!!" Waluigi hollered.
"That's what I thought. You're ejected, go sit on the bench," the ump told him.
"WAHT?!"
"We're throwing you out."
"Of Mario baseball? Whoa, he must've done something sick-nasty," Blue Toad said from the sideline.
"Oh come on! All I did was argue my case and I get thrown out, while the king of the apes over here is batting with a literal BOXING GLOVE!" Waluigi screeched as Wario came to drag him off. "Boxing glove!!!"
But throwing Waluigi out would have its own temporary repercussions. Namely, half the team had to come out onto the field to argue for several minutes.
Some of Bowser's team felt the need to come out and argue too for good measure, because no one can resist a good televised brawl.
"You can't throw out Waluigi, he's our sneaky relief pitcher!" Mario said.
"Funny you didn't think of that when you chucked him off the boat," Daisy mused.
"Daisy, this is not the time," Mario hissed.
"What is a 'sneaky pitcher'?" Rosalina asked.
"Please, people, let's behave like adults," the ump said. "Fans are watching!"
"This is Mario Baseball! We're not here to act like adults! We're here to settle life and death wars!" Yellow Toad yelled from where no could see him because he was short.
"What he said!" Yoshi said, swinging his bat menacingly.
"Are you calling us childish??" A koopa yelled back. "Bring it on, ya Barney reject!"
"No people, let's be smart and bring it off," Luigi said, pushing in between them.
"Oh, so now the scaredy-cat ghostbuster is gonna preach to us," Wario snorted.
"STOP IT ALL OF YOU!! WE'RE HERE TO HAVE A NORMAL TIME AND YOU ALL ARE DOING A TERRIBLE JOB!!" Toadsworth yelled over from the dugout.
...I don't know where this game went, sorry
After everyone had returned to their dugouts by the promise of free cheesecake after the game, they took a break for the seventh inning stretch, which is the part where everyone stops playing sports in order to have a singalong. It's a shame life isn't more like baseball.
The song was sung by a toad who sounded just like a toad, which was great. Meanwhile Waluigi sat sulking on the bench muttering about cheaters while Wario ate applesauce out of a pouch and walked around tripping people.
"Isn't this the greatest thing ever?" Toad asked, as DK dumped an entire cooler of Kritterade over his head like cool sports people do.
Then King K. Rool came stamping through the dugout looking for a place to sit. Since the bench was already full of sweating Mario creatures, he growled like a provoked movie monster.
"WHY IS THERE NO SEATS, PEASANTS?!" he hollered.
Yellow Toad looked up. "Sorry, when we got here I specifically requested the good seat because I never get it, and I—
"MOVE!!" K. Rool yelled and wiped out a third of the bench with one swing of his arm, sending Yoshi and some lumas splatting against the wall.
"I'm so glad we invited the brawn," Yoshi muttered into the wall.
"Would you rather be in their dugout?" Blue Toad asked, pointing across the infield where they could see Bowser's minions breaking glass bottles over each others heads and saying things like "this old man can't pitch!"
Yoshi groaned more.
At the other end of the dugout Mario was holding his bat in one hand, trying to run through some swings because he was about to go up. When he got to the sharpest point of the swing, he yelped and dropped his bat.
"Arm hurt?" Luigi asked knowingly, grinning as he leaned on the rail.
"No! Go away." He frowned and pretended to ignore him.
Luigi sighed and came over to adjust the bat in his hand. "If you hold it a little higher up you might be able to control it better."
"I don't know if that's allowed," Mario said. He tried a swing, but smacked Wario's head accidentally as he cavorted by.
"OW! What gives, Major Jerkface??"
Mario frowned. "You wanna fight??"
Luigi grabbed his arm. "Mario-!"
Mario conked Wario again on the head. Wario, actually smart for once, threw a baby punch and landed it on his wounded arm. Mario grabbed his elbow and burst into fake tears.
Fake as in there were none but he was still crying.
Stop questioning me.
Over by Toadsworth's manager seat, he and Peach were discussing game tactics over their stat sheets like real baseball or something.
"We could put King K. Rool here to replace Waluigi and move him here in the lineup," Peach said. "But we're down 1, so we have to get this rolling. Mario, there's no crying in baseball," she added, looking up briefly.
"I'm not crying! I just have a flipping broken arm!" He snarled.
Luigi crossed his arms and looked smug. "So you finally admit it."
Mario glared. "No! ....No!" Then he pathetically resumed trying to pick up his bat.
"Okay, Luigi and Yoshi, y'all are up. Then Mario," Daisy called.
They shouldered their bats and headed out. Luigi ended up hitting a double by swirling up a tornado ball that swept up the goombas in the outfield and caused them to drop their disembodied mitts.
Yoshi hit an egg ball that went bouncing around the field until unfortunately being caught by a Monty mole.
So it all, very shockingly, came down to Mario.
Luigi yelled across the infield. "Now Mario, don't strain yourself—
"Lay off it, Luigi," he growled, shouldering his bat. "I'm winning this thing." Then he headed boldly out with his arm in a cast.
Everyone sat in stillness as the Jaws tension theme began to play, which was Mario's chosen walk up music (quite a presumptuous choice). Then, all the stadium held their breath as Bowser himself slammed down onto the mound, breathing fire angrily for a well-roasted ball. "HEY PESKY PLUMBER! HOW'D YOU LIKE SOME BROKEN BONES??!!"
Luigi facepalmed.
"Yeah, you'll be a lot of talk when we walk away with that schmancy Mercedes!" Mario yelled back.
"WELL YOU'LL BE A LOT OF TALK WHEN I KIDNAP THE PRINCESS!!"
"Well you can't do that because today's baseball day!!" Mario hollered.
"WELL YOU LOOK OVERWEIGHT!!"
"Well—
Bowser threw a fastball down his strike zone.
"STRIKE!" The crowd gasped.
Mario glared and hunched down.
The crowd fell to stillness.
Whoosh! And who would have ever guessed that he would pull out the ginormous bullet bill ball??
The princesses gasped. Toad chattered his teeth. Luigi held his breath.
When all the sudden BAM!! Bowser himself slammed down in front of Mario, swinging an iron cudgel of a bat at his own pitch! And as all the baffled stadium stared, he bashed the bullet bill away himself, protecting Mario from complete annihilation!
The crowd gasped. Bowser Jr on the sideline dropped his paintbrush and gasped. Everyone just kept gasping, really.
Finally Bowser turned to Mario and said, "HOLD UP! Idiot! You can't play ball on a broken arm!"
"What?? How dare you save me!! I was gonna score a home run and win the game!" Mario screeched.
"No way! You broke the rules of Mario Baseball! So that means this competition is void! VOIIIIIIIID!!" Bowser yelled.
"I can play just fine! I demand you pitch again!" Mario yelled.
"Mario, Mario, Mario. We've been over this," Bowser scolded. "When you're not up to par, we simply can't fight! It's not a true defeat if you're not on your game."
"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I'm game! Fight me!" Mario demanded.
"VOID!" Bowser crossed his arms.
There were yells of disbelief from both dugouts. "WAHT?! You mean I got kicked out for nothing?!!" Waluigi shrieked, running out onto the field.
"And I thought we were gonna get to take turns in the Merc!" A koopa yelled, also coming over.
As benches cleared and people began to swarm, Bowser looked around, sensing a bad deal coming. So he did the most logical option: in one swift move he grabbed Peach by the waist, hoisted her over his head like Donkey Kong or something, and began to glare people down with his fire breath.
Looking around, she realized she had left her tape recorder at home, so she screamed and tried to beat Bowser's arm. "LET GO OF ME!! Bowser you traitor!! You can't kidnap me right now!"
"What?? I'm just trying to make things like they should be!!" He defended.
Mario pointed. "HEY! You get your hands off her you creep!"
"Why don't you make me??" Bowser reached over and flicked his broken arm with one finger.
Mario grabbed his cast and whimpered pitifully. "Would you people lay off??" he wheezed.
Peach, who was being held a good five feet over his head, flailed around and tried to chew Bowser out.
"Bowser blast it! You're crushing my liver!!" she yelped.
Mario slowly began to back away, looking mysteriously smug. "Yes, well, fortunately Bowser didn't remember what we also secretly planned for today," he said. "TOAD!!"
Without warning Toad whipped out a party hat, microphone and bow tie, and pulled a random rope that was hanging from nowhere.
"PARTY TIME PEEPS!!" he yelled as a dozen spiked logs, thwomps, and super stars came tumbling down on top of all of them, creating a complete and utter pandemonium as they all wallowed helplessly in large lethal equipment.
"IT'S MARIO PARTY!!" Mario shouted triumphantly, as if that solved all of their problems. "Dodge spikes for the star or get impaled!"
At that moment Toadsworth came meandering over from the dugout, so absorbed in his planning that he only just noticed what was going on. Stopping by Mario to observe the mess, he nodded slowly in approval. "I was afraid we were going to get too strange there for a moment. Way to normalize the playing field, Mario." He patted Mario on the arm.
Mario held his elbow and wheezed for ten minutes.
LATER, IN THE BOOTH
"Well, now it looks like Bowser Jr is attempting the thwomp room daredevil run! Can he make it without getting crushed...?"
"And no!! Looks like everyone's gonna be a lot flatter tonight," Green Toad observed. "I'm sure glad they canceled the game for a Mario Party, aren't you Lakitu?"
"Absolutely! Three hours and we're still going strong. And up next we have the bumper balls! Last one to fall off the ginormous death trap is the winner!"
Outside, on the sideline, Mario sat cradling his arm with satisfaction. "That's just nice," he said over the sounds of screams and clamping metal.
And just in case you were wondering, there was no Mercedes.
....
Well we tried
In all seriousness, guys, I didn't have much time or planning for this one. I feel like I'm always apologizing and that's not awesome 😅
But hopefully my next episode, which is coming soonish, should exceed your expectations!
....At this point I have no idea what your expectations are
Nor do I know how I expected to do a 'normal' episode. Anyway, thanks for reading, don't be a jerk to people with broken bones, make sure to practice your death trap dodging skills, and Stay Crazy!
Or normal.
But normal can be boring.
~NintendoJedi
Oh yes. I can't forget about that Hotel Mario bit, can I.
[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]
😁
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