You know how almost every good tv show has an episode where somebody loses their memory and only something dumb can restore it?
Well, this is that episode.

Now just sit back and get yourself a bowl of chocolate-covered bacon, and enjoy the crazy.

One Mushroom Kingdom day, when the cold snowy weather was still biting at people's doorsteps like chain chomps in line for a bathroom, Mario was at home doing some seriously important business work. Like, I can't even stress how difficult it was and how awesome a job he was doing at it.
He was muttering things to himself like 'Oh mama, that's a lot of money' and 'If he does that one more time he's gonna end up out of house and home'. See, totally serious stuff.
Anyway, Luigi soon busted into the living room and ruined his very fragile train of thought.
"Hey Mario, are you busy?"
"Pretty busy," Mario replied. (His train of thought derailed at that moment, causing a giant oil spill or something in the open plains of his mind.)
Luigi stood there and stared. Mario was lounging on the couch watching Wheel of Fortune, eating a bowl of alfredo sauce with about three noodles in it.
"Mario I have a piece of information for you," Luigi started.
"Not now Weegie, can't you see this fat koopa is about to totally botch it? This information better not have anything to do about my numbers on the scale," he said absentmindedly.
Luigi stared. "No, we're going to have that talk tomorrow. Right now I figured you just wanted to read this letter from Princess Peach...?"
Mario had shot up and snatched it out of his hand in an instant. (Well, actually it was 2.97 seconds, but that doesn't matter.)
As most of us nerdy people know, whenever there is a letter from the princess it means that stuff is about to go down, crazy or otherwise. So as Mario opened the letter, terrible thoughts of drowning in mashed potatoes and Waluigi singing Gangnam Style swarmed Luigi's mind.
Anyway, Mario opened the letter and read it aloud like a giddy schoolboy. "Dearest Mario... blah blah blah... kingdom holding a talent show... - WHAT?!?"
"What is it??" Luigi asked, trying to see over his shoulder. Mario smashed the paper directly into his face.
"The princess is organizing the very first Mushroom Kingdom's Got Talent," he squealed excitedly, "and she's asked me to host it!!"
"Mushroom Kingdom's Got Talent? But that's not a thing," Luigi said, peeling the letter off his face.
"It is now," Mario said, jumping up and down and making the entire house shake. "I gotta... I gotta... I gotta call somebody!" Running over to the phone, he picked it up and started punching random buttons. Luigi stared in concern.
The phone beeped. "You have reached the Macy's automated phone service. For assistance returning men's merchandise, press 1. For assistance returning ladies' merchandise, press 2. For assistance from an actual employee, press 3. For unwanted feedback and complaints, press 'end call' and record your message."
For some terrifying reason, Mario pressed 3.
Luigi raised an eyebrow. "Mario, what are you doing-
"Hi, this is Macy's, how can I assist you?"
"I JUST GOT ASKED TO HOST A TALENT SHOW AND ITS GONNA BE HUGE AND THIS IS LIKE THE FIRST ONE IN MY TOWNS HISTORY AND I JUST HAVE TO TELL SOMEBODY!!" Mario gushed like a maniac. "HOW GREAT IS THAT??!"
Luigi facepalmed.
"Wow, awesome! Good luck with that," said the Macy's employee. "And while we're on subject, can I interest you in our new fragrance line, Concentrate?"

Wario: Hey wait a minute that's my line! Did someone STEAL my fragrance idea??!

Waluigi: This is an outrage!!

Daisy: I can't believe I'm agreeing with you, but it really is creepy.

Mario just shrugged. "Eh, no thanks, maybe next time. Talk to you later!"
"Good luck with the talent show!" Then the employee hung up.
Luigi, reading over the letter in the meantime, glanced up. "Get it out of your system?"
Mario bounced over like a shaken up soda can. "Nope! So I've gotta go see the princess Luigi, the show's in just a few days! Like, I've gotta go do something about this like right now!!"
Luigi was thoughtful. "So are they recruiting... talent?"
Mario rolled his eyes. "No, Luigi, they're recruiting guys to clean their toilets. OF COURSE THEY'RE LOOKING FOR TALENT!!"
"Well I guess you can talk to the princess about it this afternoon," Luigi said, ignoring his comment.
"This afternoon?" Mario asked.
Luigi nodded. "Yeah, don't you remember? We were going to play... basketball... today." He shivered.

Blue Toad: Basketball. The sport of chaos and ego-tastic maniacs; That one evil practice of capturing a lone ball and hurling it within a bottomless net, a lasting remnant from a less civilized age where pandemonium and elbow violence reigned supreme and bleeding and head injuries were frequent.

Peach: I think you're being a little overly dramatic.

Blue Toad: Not when you're playing it with these people!

That's when Mario remembered. "Oh yeah! Basketball! And a talent show!" Mario spun around and threw his paper in the air, frolicking like a serendipitous Disney princess. "COULD THIS WEEK GET ANY BETTER?!"
Luigi groaned and held his breath, praying that Mario wouldn't start singing.

Anyway, I'm gonna change the scene in case there's a risk of that.

"Alright! Time for bozoball!!" Wario said enthusiastically as he strode into the basketball stadium. Waluigi was striding beside him like he was awesome or something.
"Yeah! Bring out the bozos!" he said.
"Well it looks like they just walked in the door," Daisy replied, looking up from where the rest of the gang was already congregated.
Wario pushed up his sleeves. "Why you little-!"
"Hey!" Mario interrupted, appearing from nowhere... sorry, I mean somewhere.
"You wouldn't hit a girl outside of a Mario Party!" he exclaimed, coming up with Luigi.
Wario snorted. "Yeah, I totally would! Like, I make my living hitting girls!"
Mario landed a very admirable slap across his face. "That's for the last girl you hit!"
Wario returned it with a nasty backhand across Mario's face. "Well that's for the last girl you kissed!"
Mario put a hand to his face in shock. "Why you little-!"
They were milliseconds away from engaging in a fistfight when Daisy shoved them apart. "No people, we are discussing the plans for the talent show," she said firmly. "And then we're playing basketball!"
"Why are we doing them at the same time?" Waluigi asked.
"Because Peach can't get you bozos together to discuss things without promising there will be violence involved afterwards."
"Yeah! Violence!" Wario cheered.

Blue Toad: And the sad part is, that's the appeal.

Just then Peach came over looking preoccupied. "Oh, good, you're all here," she said, looking over a clipboard. "Alright then. So, as some of you may know, the Mushroom Kingdom is going to be having its first ever talent show in a few days...
"...And I'm hosting it!" Mario bounced up and down, grinning like he'd just been named president of the Cheeto fan club.
Wario's tongue hit the ground. "What! Why aren't I hosting it?!"
"Wario, you're about as civilized as a rabbid on energy drinks," Blue Toad snorted.
Wario just blinked (cause he's not very smart).
"Okay, so Mario will be running the show," Peach said, as if that settled it. "I just figured he might be a good choice as a Mushroom Kingdom icon."
Mario raised his eyebrows annoyingly at the others. "Well that sounds fun," Yoshi said at last.
Peach went on. "We're going to hold tryouts here tomorrow," she said, "and so the rest of you can spend today looking for talent!"
Wario snorted. "Was that like, a princessy order?"
"Do you want to find out?" Peach asked. That conversation might have played out weirdly if it weren't for Waluigi actually putting two brain cells together.
"Hang on. Are you implying that none of us are talented?" Waluigi asked, picking his ear. Everyone just looked at him.
Finally Daisy crossed her arms. "Well let's just say... not all of us are on the exact same page."
"BURN!!" Toad input helpfully.
"...Uhhh, well, I suppose you all can feel free to perform if you feel... talented," Peach said at last, which is the nice way of saying Please keep your idiot mishaps out of my show.
"Well that rules SOME people out," Yoshi muttered.
"Ooh! Guess I'm-a disqualified since that would be unfair," Mario chuckled. "What with me being important and all."
"Yeah, you're just SPEWING with talent," Wario growled.
"Look who's talking, lardlump!" Mario replied. "Like, you're the one who got stuck in a washer!"
"Hey! Not everyone can just get stuck in a washer, you know!" Wario defended.
"Yeah, well I can do this!" Without warning, Waluigi suddenly stepped away and started spinning around on one foot, pulling the other up by his head.
Needless to say everyone just stared in horror.
Actually, I think we have a gif of that... do we? Yeah, we do.

So now that you all are thoroughly weirded out, it's time to get back to... whatever we were doing previously.
"Uhm... well, gee, I might like to perform..." Luigi said uncertainly. But now everyone had started talking super loudly.
"Hey, I know what I can do! It's gonna blow you all out of the house!" Wario said.
"I hope so," Peach said. "We want the show to be a success!"
"Ooh, I can do a tongue routine!" Yoshi said. "One of a kind, baby!" (Don't ask what that means.)
"Hey, and Yellow Toad and I could tell jokes!" Blue Toad said, actually looking excited for once. "You're my new partner in humor, Yellow Toad!"
"But I didn't-
"HIRED!!"
"Diddy and I can do a killer music performance!" DK added.
"Hey, maybe I could even pull out the old rhythmic clubs!" Daisy said thoughtfully. "Worth a shot."
"Alright! This is gonna be crazy!" Mario exclaimed. "Although... hey princess, what's first prize gonna be??"
Everyone froze and turned to her with bated breath.
"Churros?" Yoshi asked.
"A kiss?" Wario drooled.
"A banana phone?" Waluigi guessed.
"Twenty pounds of aluminum foil?!" Toad squealed.
Everyone looked at him. Then Peach shrugged. "No... it's just a thousand coins," she said. "Donated by the local school to promote the pursuit of creativity and perseverance."
"Alright! I get to be awesome AND make money doing it!" Wario said.
"In your dreams, butterball," Mario chuckled.
"Hey, zip your lip, fatty, or I'll stick it on backwards!"
"This is gonna be awesome!" Toad clapped excitedly. "This is gonna be the best talent show ever!!"
"I'm sure it'll be fantastic," Peach grinned.
"Forget talent show, this is gonna be a circus with the people we've got performing," Blue Toad said.
Mario was too busy dreaming about the sequined coat he would wear. "Yeah yeah, great. What are you gonna do, Weegie?" he asked.
"Oh... umm... well I was thinking something like poetry, or something kinda nice like that -
"Eww! Nobody goes to a talent show to hear people read!" Waluigi interrupted.
Luigi took a deep breath. "I wasn't going to read... Oh, maybe you're right, this is a bad idea."
Mario frowned. "Hey, don't get stage fright! The stage isn't even here yet. Besides, everyone else is gonna do an act and have fun!"
Luigi raised his eyebrows. "You're not."
"That's because I run the show! I'm in charge, and I say you have to participate."
"B-But Mario I..."
"It'll be great, I promise! Now let's a-play basketball!!"
Toad jumped into the empty bleachers and pumped his fists. "YEAH!! BASKETBALL!!"
Wario glanced around. "Gee, those hoops are kinda small," he said. "Don't we have any bigger ones?"
"Yeah, how are we supposed to jump through them?" Waluigi added.
Daisy stared at him. "What?"
"You know! How are we supposed to jump through the hoops?"
Daisy took a deep breath and facepalmed. "Society is doomed."

One long, violent basketball game later...

"Hey! Pass the ball to me!" Wario shrieked, jumping around like a maniac. "HEY BARNEY PASS THE BALL HERE!!"
Nobody passed it.
The game was seconds away from being over, and Mario's team was ahead by two. (Which means Wario's team was down by two.) In the corner, Yoshi was keeping the ball suspended in air with his tongue.
"That's gross! Give it here you weirdo!" Waluigi yelled, jumping around like a beanpole and trying to reach it.
"Not so tall anymore, huh?" DK teased.
"Hey! Why won't anyone just give the ball to the handsome guy?!" Wario yapped.
"Wario, you're so round I could mistake you for the ball," Daisy said as she barreled by.
"Why you little-!"
"Hey Yoshi! Over here!" Luigi called.
"Pass it to me!" Diddy yelled.
"GIVE EM WHAT FOR!!" Toad shrieked from where he was eating popcorn.
Yoshi ignored them all and passed the ball to Peach, who was a safer distance away. She nodded and began dribbling the ball to the opposite end of the court.
"Hey! Looks like I gotta catch me a tall drink of water," Wario grinned, starting after her.
Whether or not she heard was debatable, because she soon after passed the ball to Mario, who took it like an epic person and made another slam dunk.

Mario: Hey, you forgot my dunking sound effect!

NintendoJedi: Oh, yeah... right.

SHABLAM!!
Everyone waited for the dust to clear as Mario hung off the basketball hoop, which left him dangling several feet above the ground.
And that's pretty much how the entirety of this game went.
"Oh, come on! That thing is skyscrapers above your head, you shouldn't be able to do that!" Wario growled.
"Game!" Toad called from the sideline. "Mario's team wins!"
"Haha!" Mario taunted, now doing some sort of gymnastics routine on the hoop.
Wario growled... AGAIN... and started forward, probably to strangle someone. But it didn't happen that way exactly.
Now I'm not sure how to explain what DID happen. All I know is that the basketball had bounced back down and somehow made its way over to Wario. And when he stepped forward, he tripped on it and face planted into the court, which would have been funny. Except that the ball shot out from under him at rocket speed and directly pelted Luigi like a cannonball in the head, resulting in him hitting the deck. (Except once again, it's not an actual deck.)
"Man down!" Toad yelled, as if they couldn't already see that. There were some gasps of concern as Luigi sat up and rubbed his head, moaning and groaning like a heartbroken moose.
"Oh my gosh, are you okay Luigi?" Daisy asked. "Wario, you jerk!"
"What?! I didn't do anything!!"
"Well, no blood," Mario observed, coming over to Luigi's side. "This is already an improvement on our part!"
"Yay for improvement!" Toad cheered.
"So are you good, Luigi?" Mario asked, offering him a hand.
Luigi rubbed his head and got to his feet. "Sì, penso di sì ... cosa è successo?"
"Oh, well sei stato colpito alla testa con un pallone da quell'idiota." Mario jerked a thumb at Wario, who blinked stupidly.
Luigi frowned and tilted his head. "Perché stiamo usando l'italiano?"
Mario looked surprised. "Oh! Um, I don't know, because you're using it?"
"Sorry, what's going on?" Daisy asked in confusion.
"I think the idiot is trying to convey a message without having to actually convey it," Waluigi mused.
Yoshi frowned at him. "I thought you knew Italian!"
"Yeah, well, that's um... classified," Wario said. "Right, Waluigi?"
Waluigi tapped his chin. "Um... I dunno."
Daisy facepalmed.
"I always thought it was weird when they use it," Toad said. "It makes me feel excluded even though we're like, right here."
"Yeah, people could be calling you an idiot right in front of you," Blue Toad agreed. "That's probably why Nintendo generally prohibits its open use."
"But we do that all the time here in English."
"Yeah... fair point."
Meanwhile Mario was snapping his fingers in front of Luigi's face. "Hey! Luigi! Is something wrong?"
Luigi shook his head and stared at him. "Mario ... non posso parlare in quella lingua!"
Mario frowned. "Real funny, Luigi. What's your problem?"
Luigi furrowed his eyebrows. "So che non mi crederai... Posso capirti, ma non parlo fluentemente in quella lingua."
Mario was getting impatient. "What the heck do you mean Luigi, I'm not stupid! Speak to us now!"
By now everyone was standing around trading awkward looks.
Luigi took a deep breath and nodded, seeming quite nervous. "Okay... I... Non posso proprio farlo! Non so come parlare inglese!"
Mario stared in bewilderment. "Luigi, what's your name?" he asked.
"Luigi," Luigi replied.
Daisy stared. "WOW, I'm not gonna lie. That was like the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"Hey Peach, what's your name?" Wario asked. Peach actually shoved him away.
Mario was thinking thoughtfully. "Hmm... Luigi, what's your favorite color?"
"Verde."
"And how many courses do I like at lunchtime?"
"Sette."
Mario shrugged. "Nah, you're fine," he concluded. "For a second I was afraid you had gotten amnesia."
"Um... care to clue us in??" Daisy asked. "What's going on?"
Mario turned. "Oh! Yeah, well, it seems that hit must have made Luigi forget how to speak English," he informed them. "But he's still perfectly mentally capable of things."
Daisy stared at him like he'd just said there was a scorpion on her head.
"Well... well ask him to try to speak!!" she exclaimed.
"I already did," Mario said. "And he can still understand you, you know. He just can't... speak it."
To support this, Luigi nodded.
Toad disrupted the awkward silence by making loud squeaking noises on the floor. "Hey guys! Check out the sounds your shoes make on this court!" he said, scooting around like a six-year-old. Everyone stared.
"I hardly find that relevant," Yoshi replied.
Peach looked thoroughly baffled as she turned back to Mario and Luigi. "Well... this is a problem! What are we going to do?"
"Rejoice in the fact that nobody has to listen to him anymore?" Waluigi suggested.
Daisy slapped him.
"Forse ci limiteremo a piangere," Luigi whimpered, starting to sob. Wario threw up his hands.
"Oh boy, here we go again..."
Mario put an arm around him. "There Weegie, non piangere. It'll be fine!"
"Oh... except I just thought of something," Yoshi spoke up. "What about the talent show? You've gotta fix this before then!"
Mario stared. "Oh no."
Luigi sobbed again.
Mario was determined. "No no, it's okay! We'll just... we'll teach him English by then!"
"Yeah, I can't wait to see this," said Wario.
Mario glared at him. "You! This is all your fault!!" Grabbing the basketball, he hurled it towards Wario and pelted him satisfyingly in the backside. Then marching over, he seethed to Daisy, "Permission to engage in violent fighting?"
Daisy, weighing the options, finally shrugged. "Go ahead."
The court cleared out pretty fast as the ball of fighting sweaty guys raged through it.

Later that night, at the Mario residence...

"Stop it Link, that's extremely annoying!" The sound of Mario's typical yapping filled the house, accompanied with the loud sounds of fierce and physical battle that made the place seem like a war zone.
"HEY! Don't you taunt at me!" Mario sat on the couch, engaged in a very heated game of Super Smash Bros with the volume turned up to 'vibrate windows'. As was typical in one of these 'Smashing sessions', he was jerking around and getting extremely into whipping some CPU tail when he accidentally knocked over a bowl of corn chips on the coffee table and had to order more. (Not stop and clean them or anything. That was out of the question.)
"LUIGI!! SNACK CLEANUP!!" He hollered over his shoulder, like he always did. However, unlike what always happened, Luigi didn't come rushing in to replace his junk food like a good servant. Finally, after about twenty more battles, Mario started getting hungry.
"Mama, what's the holdup, Luigi?" he wondered. "I can't whip Pokémon forever without fueling the decision maker!"
Since there was no response (and it was nearing midnight), Mario finally got up to look around. "Luigi?"
No answer.
So Mario wandered around the place, being as annoying as he could. "Luigi Luigi Luigi Luigi Luigi Luigi Luigi Luigi Luigi!"
After a little bit, he finally found him hunched over a couple of books in his bed.
"There you are Weegie, what in the worlds kept you? I was getting hungry!"
Sniffing, Luigi pulled out a giant bag of pork rinds from under his bed and gave it to Mario (that's his 'midnight emergency kit'). Then he resumed sobbing onto the bed.
Mario inspected the pork rinds. "Come on, what's the matter? Still struggling with your words?"
Luigi turned to him miserably. "Non posso farlo, Mario! Non posso proprio! È impossibile!"
"Non è impossibile. Luigi, you've gotta pull yourself together," Mario said, plunking down on the bed. "You did it once, you can do it again."
Luigi sighed. "Mi sento isolato. I..."
Mario interrupted. "I know how you feel. You feel cut off from everyone because they're all going to have a great time and you can't even communicate to them what you want to say."
Luigi nodded. "Esattamente."
Mario stared at the pork rinds. "Well hey, don't give up yet. I'll work with you tomorrow, promise. As long as you make me French toast in the morning."
Luigi frowned. "Sei così cattivo!"
Mario grinned and got up, munching pork rinds. "Sorry, can't understand you!" he teased.
He earned a dictionary in the head.

One morning and French toast-filled breakfast later...

Mario was sitting at the table, cleaning his plate of cinnamon in a very 'environmentally friendly' way, when the phone rang.
Since Luigi was busy doing responsible things, he called, "Sarai in grado di che, Mario?"
Mario groaned and got up. "Hello?"
"Hi, Mario! Sorry to call so early," Princess Peach greeted.
Mario was instantly cool. "Oh, no, princessa, it's fine! I'm up early."
Peach giggled. "Well, I was going to be having the talent show tryouts today, and I was wondering if you'd like to come over and help me? It might be fun."
Mario paused. "Oh... I'd love to, Peach," he said in disappointment, "but I promised Luigi I'd help him with his words today and he already made me French toast and everything!" Never had he sounded so distressed.
"Oh, that's okay, Mario," Peach said understandingly. "I'll ask Daisy then. Good luck!"
"Yeah, you too," Mario said sadly.
On the other end, Peach blew a kiss into the phone. Mario caught it and purred.
Luigi looked up from his dish washing.
"Shut up Luigi, you didn't see anything!" Mario scolded.

Daisy was studying a flowchart carefully while wearing a leotard when her phone rang.
"Hey Peach, what's up?"
"Oh, hi Daisy! Are you busy today? I was going to hold tryouts and wanted to know if you were interested in helping out," Peach offered.
"Oh, gosh Peach, I'd like to, but... I'm planning on entering," Daisy replied. "I'm at Yoshi's right now practicing."
"Rhythmic clubs?" Peach asked.
"Yeah. And Yoshi's doing... um... something else," Daisy said, watching Yoshi dancing around with his tongue in the air.
"Sounds exciting," Peach said. "I'll make sure you get spots in the show!"
"Thanks! But hey, maybe get Mario to help?" Daisy suggested.
"He's busy," Peach replied. "And the toads are just... toads. I'll be fine though, I'm sure. Good luck!"
Hanging up, Peach made her way back to the front of the stage where the show was going to be held. A small line of people was already congregated for tryouts.
Unfortunately, the only thing she saw was Wario and Waluigi striding towards her.
"Hey, Peachy! We did what you asked!" Wario said, grinning with stupid pride.
Peach was cautious. "And what was that?"
"We recruited talent! And now we'll help you choose who to let into the show!"
"Oh, thank you Wario, but-
"She's speechless, and she doesn't know what to say," Waluigi said.
"Now I wouldn't say-
"Alright, first up!" Wario announced, seating himself at the judges table. Waluigi sat down too.
Peach just stood there and stared as the foobs critiqued a koopa who was playing harmonica. And she put her head in her hands. And she didn't come out for a real long time.

Twenty five terrifyingly stupid acts later...

Wario removed his fake cigar and clapped. "Bravo! You, sir, have talent!"
"Yeah, that was the best raw artichoke consumption I've ever seen!" Waluigi said. The toad on the stage shrugged.
"Aw, it was nothing, really," he said.
"You're act twenty five!" Wario declared. "NEXT!!"
A few hours and plenty of chaos later, the auditions were drawing to a close. Wario had praised koopas swallowing sledgehammers, toads forming acrobatic piles in the shape of the Empire State, and shy guys singing Ode to Joy. But he had also praised hammer bros juggling live audience members, goombas playing violin, and Spike barfing up lethal weapons. (None of which, when you think about it, was particularly appealing.)
Finally Peach stepped forward. "Wario, please, that's enough -
"Aw, come on babe, there's just a couple guys left," Wario waved her off.
"But you haven't rejected a single act!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah, well, what can I say? The Mushroom Kingdom's got talent." He turned to the auditioner now onstage, who happened to be Larry holding a flamethrower.
"Now this looks promising," said Waluigi rubbing his hands together.
"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," Peach groaned, throwing her hands in the air. "This show is going to be a health hazard!"
"Nah, it says he's going to have a piano accompaniment for the actual performance," Wario told her. "It's going to be called 'Lariats of Fire'.
"Oh my gosh," Peach breathed. "I'm just gonna go... get a parfait."
"And oh yeah, Peach? We're going to just add a couple of extra acts into the schedule," Wario called. "Hope you don't mind."
Unfortunately Peach was too overwhelmed to hear.

Mario stood up on the coffee table and handed Luigi a book that said 'English for Dummies'.
Don't ask me what language it was written in.
"Alright Luigi, repeat after me," Mario announced. "Pronounce every syllable. 'Super Mario is the greatest person ever'!"
"Mario!" Luigi frowned.
"No, no, Luigi, you forgot the Super," Mario corrected.
Luigi put on a very distressed look (or maybe that was just constipation). "Mario... I... I... Non posso! Semplicemente non posso!"
Sighing for like the five hundredth time, Mario plunked himself down on the coffee table. "I don't understand why you can't just copy my words, Luigi," he chided. "It's just sounds, sheesh!"
"Te lo sto dicendo, ci sto provando ... semplicemente non uscirà!" Luigi growled.
Mario sighed. "I'm sorry. It musta be frustrating."
Luigi slowly nodded sullenly.
"I don't know how we're going to fix this before the talent show," Mario mused in concern. Suddenly he jumped up. "But wait a minute... maybe we don't have to!"
Looking greatly excited again, he asked, "Luigi, you like to sing, right?"

And now ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for... Time skip of a couple days!

The night of the talent show arrived. Cars and karts and pet yoshis filled the parking lots outside of the Mushroom Entertainment Palace like meatballs on a sub. Practically the entire kingdom had shown up and frankly, no one could be bothered to count.
The auditorium had been abuzz with preparations for hours, and now it was nearly showtime. Toads and koopas murdered each other in the audience for the best last minute seats.
"Hey granny, back off! That end spot is MINE!"
"You scamps of today have no respect for your elders!!"
"You elders of today have no respect for your scamps!"
"Don't CALL ME AN ELDER!!!"
...
Green and Purple Toads, who were deemed 'too idiotic' for their own acts (though that seemed an impossibility), were admitting people by the doors.
"Welcome sir, oh I love that cane of yours! Where can I get such a fashionable one?" Green Toad asked a passerby.
He stared at him. "The hospital," he replied.
"Ha, great joke!" Purple Toad chimed in. "You should be in the show! Speaking of which, if anyone starts selling Sony products in the auditorium, give them a wallop for me, will you?"
Backstage, the 'actors' were preparing with various degrees of nervousness to perform. Koopas were having their shells polished and toads in eye-popping getup were chugging gallons of coffee while having their teammates give them pep talks. Or, you know, some people were just banging their heads on walls or breathing through paper bags. Perfectly calming atmosphere.
By the tiny mirror near the edge of backstage, Mario was fussing over his ridiculously sparkly blue coat and preparing to go on when Peach appeared at his side.
"Mario, we're all ready," she told him. "The contestants are prepared and I've got the foobs distracted with the strobe controls."
Outside, the giant spotlights were giving people seizures a mile away.
"Luigi wanted to talk to you but I told him you were about to go on," Peach continued.
"Tell him I said he'll be great," Mario replied, straightening his bowtie. "Well, let's a-go!"
(Drumroll please.)
Thousands of eyes were glued to the stage as the magic band music began to play and the host appeared beneath the giant Mushroom Kingdom's Got Talent sign. (Don't ask me what their budget was.) People shrieked and shook each other violently as Mario waved and snapped his fingers at people he recognized and played the 'humble host' part to a tee. (#obvioussarcasmisobvious)
"Ladies and gentlemen please, would you give your attention to me!" Mario opened up on the loudspeaker once people's cheering had quieted below a hundred decibels. "Welcome to the very first Mushroom Kingdom's Got Talent! You already know me, but I'm-a your host, Super Mario, and our wonderful judges are none other than Toad and our very own Princess Peach, who made this all possible!"
(Crazy applause.)
"Now I'd like to open up tonight with an outrageous act, given to us by 'Steve Koopa and the Shell Shockers' with their knife throwing routine!" Mario frowned slightly at his cue card, but kept the show running smoothly in that very Mario way. For like the next million years.

"...and that was Larry and Ludwig's Lariats of Fire!" Mario announced as the crowd applauded after the twenty ninth act. Fortunately, it had not been extremely hazardous as Peach had feared, and was actually quite interesting to watch flame throwers in time with piano accompaniment. But unfortunately the awkwardness only got worse from there.
The show had been ongoing for like three hours now, and many audience members were sleeping facedown in their popcorn. Peach and Toad, at the judges' booth, were beginning to show signs of fatigue, but Mario was tireless as ever as he pranced showily around the stage.
"And now we have 'The Fungis', with their humor routine - give it up for Blue and Yellow Toads!"
So then, as promised, those two goons came out and literally spent half an hour spewing utter nonsense like standup comedians or something (which they seemed to think they were). The best highlight was probably this:

Blue Toad: You know the first job I ever worked? Burger Queen.

Yellow Toad: Tell me bout it. I had a job stacking boxes of grits for a cheap motel.

Blue Toad: You know, it would've been nice with the burgers if it hadn't been for the blasted drive thru window.

Yellow Toad: Oh yeah, I hear those burgers make good company.

Blue Toad: I mean I can't blame people for dumping window duty on me. I've never understood why people insist on yelling through the microphone...

Yellow Toad: They think employees are deaf, I guess.

Blue Toad: I mean I would be like, Can I take your order? And then I get RRRAUGHRGGURAAWWMMRRAAGGHH!

Yellow Toad: How do your ears still work?

Blue Toad: Mostly because I don't have any. But I would be like, Excuse me Chewbacca? I can better give you what you want if you just speak to me like a normal civilized being!! Which is why I just can't wait to get my Ph.D in philosophy.

...
Anyway, by that time Daisy and the Kongs had gone on (the latter of whom had done an audience-inclusive performance of the DK rap). Yoshi had already performed as well, doing a spit-and-catch routine with a mouthful of water, which ended with him spraying everyone in the first four rows. The show was finally nearing its final acts, and that was when all Crazy started to break loose.
"And now, presenting 'A Show for the Ages', comes The Purple Menace!" Mario announced, staring at the entry in concern. He only realized what it meant a second too late.
A spotlight switched on in the center of the stage, right over Waluigi posing badly with his back to the crowd.
Mario stared. "WHAT THE-!"
But his exclamation was lost. And then the entire auditorium lost their hearing from the music blasting from giant speakers.
"OPPA WALUIGI STYLE!!"
Luigi, who had been waiting anxiously backstage, spit out his entire cup of tea all over the curtain guy.
"MI STAI PRENDENDO IN GIRO!"
Poor Peach and Toad were sitting there getting their faces blasted off by Waluigi's singing (and I am telling you, there is no greater torture or suffering than the torture and suffering that they suffered).
"HOW DID THIS ACT GET IN THE SHOW?!!?" Peach screamed, but no one heard.
So then the entire Mushroom Kingdom had to sit and watch what was basically a full music video of Waluigi dancing around creepily like Michael Jackson and acting like he was the hottest thing since the microwave.
Except not really, because then another act came, which if you can believe it would be even more terrifying than the last one.
And it was called...
WARIO MAN!
(Insert corny superhero jingle here)
Jaws dropped as Wario came striding onto the stage, looking just like his normal stinky self. Acting like he ran the show, he went right up to Mario and tried to take the microphone from him.
So then the audience was treated to those two fighting over it like kindergarteners over a bag of Cheetos. Except Mario might already think he's the president of the Cheeto fan club, so eventually he won the 'manly tussle' and pushed Wario off in a very dignified manner.
What they didn't notice was that the mic was broadcasting the whole thing.
"What do you think you're doing?!" Mario hissed.
"Gimme the mic, Mr. Glitter!" Wario argued.
"Excuse me-
"Let it go!"
"Give it back!-"
"I have to address my adoring fans!"
"You are not in charge-
"Yeah, well your zipper's down!"
"I'm wearing zipperless trousers, nice try!"
Finally Wario turned to the audience and said as loudly as he could, "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the main event of the evening!! I am going to pull off a feat that very few others could ever hope to achieve. Watch as MAN TAKES FLIGHT!!"
Peach was sitting with a pale look of horror frozen on her face. "Oh no," she breathed. "Oh no he isn't!"
Oh yes he was!
The entire auditorium could practically hear the countdown as Wario took center stage and closed his eyes, concentrating.
Five... four... three... two... one...
LIFTOFF!!
Mario's microphone went flying out of his hand and hit Toad in the head as the impact of Wario's airborne rocket shook the entire building, filling it with a powerful wind. Amidst the smelly fumes, the people could just see Wario hit the roof and get stuck in the catwalks above the stage.
And then there was a terrible, shocked silence.
Peach with utterly ruined hair and Toad with the best facial expression you've ever seen sat there breathing heavily. For a moment everyone just tried to recover their sanity.
When Mario finally found his microphone and the audience had managed to somewhat find their hearing, spontaneous booing broke out. And swelled.
And went on for like five straight minutes.
In fact, it might have been a lot of fun to sit there in a crowd where literally everyone was communally booing something.
"Now I know what he means... when he says he'll blow you away," Peach moaned, trying not to barf. "Ohh, my head... oh, this isn't happening..."
But lo! It wasn't over yet, because there was still one more act! And it was called Luigi singing Figaro!
Appearing amid the departing gas cover, holding his own magical microphone, Luigi stood alone on stage. And he raised his eyes to a metaphorical night sky. And he proclaimed forth a melodious Figaro unlike any ever heard before.
The Italian opera was such a startling transition to the finer arts that instantly the sights and the smells of before were forgotten, and only the exquisite song now assaulted everyone's senses.
"Figaro Figaro FIIIIIIIGAAROOOOOOOOOO!!"
And it went on, and Luigi sang with emotion. Loudly sometimes, softly at others; it was enchantingly mysterious, and in the end Luigi bowed his head and all fell silent once again.
A toad lady's glasses broke. And then a guy dropped his full soda. And a kid danced in a circle and said, "Hubba hubba."
And then the entire crowd exploded.
"YEEAAAAH!!"
"WOOHOOO!!!"
"AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHGGHHH!!"
The applause was so loud it took more than a moment for Mario to find his voice. "Ladies and gentlemen," he exclaimed proudly, "I think it's quite obvious we have our winner!!"
"YEEEAAAAHHH!!"
More cheering and stuff. Then Peach ran up to him and handed him the judges' final decision. Mario opened it up very dramatically.
"And... it looks like first place goes to... oh, that would be me, Mario!"
Luigi, who was still standing there on stage, shrieked, "CHE COSA?!?!?"
Then Mario laughed in that very patronizing way and all the crowd chuckled with him. Luigi had never felt more second fiddle than at that moment.
Mario looked again at the card. "Just kidding... the winner is Luigi with an outstanding performance! He'll be winning a thousand coins in prize money and- oh, but the audience wants an encore! Come on Luigi, let's hear it!" Mario said, coming up beside him in a strictly professional manner. "Encore!"
But the crowd was cheering too loud, and the atmosphere was too much. Luigi stared at it all for a second, then promptly hit the floor and fainted.
Hanging by an overall strap high above the stage, Wario looked down on the display. "Aww, come on," he grumbled. "Any idiot can sing! I can FLY, baby! FLY!!"

The night was finally over. (Well duh.) The chaos that was the victory celebration of the night before was finally all done with, and it was a calm, quiet, peaceful afternoon in Toad Town as the kingdom got back to its regular business. The talent show was over.
The sun cast bright rays across the living room as Mario meandered through that day, still wearing his shiny red trousers with a tank top as he drank his soda can. Passing through, he found Luigi still out, peacefully sleeping on the couch.
"So you did it, huh," Mario said aloud. "You just used your talents and kicked everyone in the rear. I'm a genius."
Luigi was too asleep to hear. Mario tilted his head thoughtfully. "Although you know... we still have to fix you back."
Thinking for a moment, he suddenly got an idea. "Of course! What else do the people in tv shows do?" Grinning, he put down his soda and crept up to the couch. Gently stroking him like a puppy, Mario murmured, "Dormi, piccolo Weegie." (Sleep, little Weegie.)
Then Mario reached in his bag of holding and pulled out his baseball bat.
"Now TALK TO ME!"
And he conked Luigi on the head, hard.
BASH!!
"CHE DIAMINE?!?" Luigi shrieked, shooting up and clutching his head. It didn't take long for him to notice Mario with a baseball bat standing there.
Mario was cautious. "Luigi... talk to me," he said.
Luigi stared. "Mario... Tu... tu... YOU DID IT!!" he squealed, jumping up and grabbing him in a big hug. "You did it you did it you did it!... Ow!"
Grinning from ear to ear, he breathlessly asked, "Why didn't you think of that sooner?!"
Mario shrugged. "I don't know, because I never saw you looking so perfect for whacking on the head until I saw you there," he said.
Luigi stared at him. Mario scratched his head and chuckled nervously. "Yeah... Bene, hai vinto il talent show! E ti ho salvato!"
Luigi stared at him some more. And he squeezed him super tight. "Thanks, bro," he replied.

Wario: Well that was the stupidest ending ever!

Daisy: Yeah, I don't know. Why are these endings always supposed to be satisfying but for some reason they never are for me?

Toad: Because you need to broaden your horizons.

NintendoJedi: No, you just need to embrace the Crazy.

Wario: So does this mean I don't get any money?

XD I'm sorry guys, I'm so sorry for this 😆 This was actually an idea I've had for a long time, since I first began this book - since BEFORE I began writing. I apologize for its cringiness but it was fun to finally put it to paper!... or at least, metaphorically.
I wish I could work more wholeheartedly on this book but I have a couple others that I really want to work on as well, I'm just trying to find a good schedule right now... but the next episode shouldn't be too long!
If any of you are unfamiliar, Mario's showy outfit is his snappy tux from Mario Party: The Top 100. And oh yeah, I'm not sure if Wario and Waluigi actually speak Italian canonically... but Nintendo just doesn't tell us much about them to work with!
And also, if any of you language geniuses out there find any error with my translations, please let me know. (I know a good deal of Latin, but I'm not actually fluent in Italian.)

Lastly, don't rocket yourself with gas power, take care of your head, and stay crazy!

NintendoJedi