Wario: So why are we here again?

Waluigi: We are here to address a serious issue.

Wario: Oh, right. Why on earth have I not been paid for this?

Waluigi: Not that, oh ye of little mind! The issue is, why on earth were we not in that last story?!

Wario: Oh, yeah! It was just some sort of trashy romantic reality show thing!

Waluigi: And we weren't in it!

NintendoJedi: That's not my issue.

Waluigi: Yes it is! The only other reason anyone reads this book is to see Mario embarrass himself.

NintendoJedi: If you take things up with the writer, you will get what you asked for. I'm in charge of your life, and I can make you do something crazy.

Waluigi: Good! Do that!

NintendoJedi: *snaps fingers

One Mushroom Kingdom day, outside Peach's castle, the birds were singing, the baby birds were chirping like sick newborns, and the sun was shining so that everyone wearing clothes wished they could rip them off. It would have been a very inopportune time to do so, however, because Peach, Daisy, Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Birdo, Blue and Yellow Toad were having a picnic. (The princess had learned from her previous mistakes and the goons had not been invited.)
At a picnic table under the tanooki tree, Princess Peach was pouring her picnic guests lemonade. Mario was in the middle of getting his poured when an annoying sound went off overhead.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
It was immediately answered by something that sounded like, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH!"
Yoshi and Birdo covered their nonexistent ears while everyone else waited it out. When it finished, they all looked up to see Wario and Waluigi hanging in the tree's branches.
"What are you two doing?" asked Peach firmly, putting a fist on her hip.
Yellow Toad elbowed Blue Toad. "Ooh, they got the fist-hip!"
"I dunno," said Waluigi, clinging to a thin branch.
"Yes you do, numbskull! We're spying on our forbidden picnic!" Wario said.
"Which you weren't invited to," Daisy said warningly. "Generally that means don't show up at all."
Suddenly the branch underneath Wario began to crack a little.
"Would you get down from there? It's going to break!" Yoshi said in concern.
Wario was in no rush as he gave Peach a goony look. "Maybe I will if Peachy here will give me some-
"Shut it! Get down before your butt lands in my lemonade!" Mario snapped, standing up abruptly.
"Say what?" Wario asked. Then the tree bent...and the branch, let's say, finally left home. The tree snapped back and Waluigi was ripped from its branches and flung high into the air. (Not for the first time, I might add.)
Everyone gasped, which was followed by tense silence as they all backed away from the table wreckage. Except for Mario, who was standing there soaked in lemonade and holding an empty glass which he was pretty close to shattering.
Wario sat up from the mess and groaned. Then his eyes popped open.
"Woah! When did you start sporting citrus fruits?"
"Grrrr," Mario growled like a wild animal.
"Now Mario - let's not do anything hasty," Luigi cautioned.
Mario turned to him. "Do I look ready to take things slow?!"
Luigi blinked and didn't answer.
Then Daisy stepped forward. "No, I think it's time to lose it!"
Everyone looked at her.
She held up her skirt. "He put a huge hole in my dress!"
"Ooh," Blue and Yellow Toad said.
"Aw, that's nothin," Wario said with a wave of his hand. He tried to stand up. But before he made it Waluigi began plummeting down to earth again with a continuously increasing scream.
"Take cover!" Birdo yelled.
But it was too late. Waluigi crashed right on top of Wario, sending wooden planks, tanooki leaves and tree branches everywhere.
When the dust cleared, no one was madder than Princess Daisy.
"You hit me right in the face!" she snarled, chucking a wooden board at them. "You...you foobs!"
The toads slapped their hands over their mouth. Yellow Toad grabbed a small notebook and started scribbling in it.
Luigi looked over. "What's that?"
"I've decided to start taking notes of daily events," he said. "'Wario officially ruins picnic'."
"No I didn't! And trust me, that's an improvement on that tree," he said, gesturing to the branch that had been broken off. "Now Mario can't sit there with the princess making goo goo eyes."
"If you're implying that you broke the sitting branch, you didn't. It's that one," Luigi said, pointing.
"Dangit! Where's a chainsaw?" Wario demanded.
"Uhh, that's a little violent-" Peach said.
"Who cares about the tree!?" Daisy screeched.
"Yeah," Yoshi spoke up, looking upset. "You ruined...you ruined the watermelon!"
"Huh?" Wario asked, looking under him. "Well would you look at that."
"I'm trying not to," said Birdo.
"Wario, can you please get your rear end out of our lunch," Peach said, and it wasn't a question.
"Woah, there is no way I am eating that now," said Blue Toad.
"Of course not!" Daisy said, picking up a banana peel. "So there's only one use for them!" And with that she pelted Wario with it.
Waluigi perked up when he saw it. "Hey, this couldn't be my old banana phone...could it?!"
"Dude, your phone was eaten by Mario," said Yellow Toad in boredom. "And the peel is more rotten by now than you are."
Wario was fuming. "There is only one thing worse than having food thrown at you by a girl," he growled. "And that's having food thrown at you by many girls!"
Birdo promptly swallowed and launched a hard boiled egg at him. It hit him in the back of the head, nearly missing Waluigi by inches.
Wario stood up in irritation. "It's on!"
However, when he did so, he stepped on a board and it flew up, whacking Waluigi squarely under the chin. He slumped to the ground, dead.
Wario glanced at him. "I know Waluigi will join my side in this war," he said. "Who else of you will join me?"
Everyone stood there while a bird chirped.
Yoshi sighed. "Well, I hate to see good fruit wasted like that. I have cast my lot." And with that he went to stand beside Daisy and Birdo.
"Well, I'm not really interested in getting involved in a war," Peach began.
"Me either," spoke up Luigi.
"So it is settled!" Mario suddenly declared like some boxing referee. "Wario and Dead Waluigi versus Princess Daisy, Birdo and Yoshi! May the non-foobs win!"
"Wait!" Waluigi suddenly exclaimed, sitting up. "I'm not dead!"
"Darn," said Daisy.
"This is a game of stealth and cunning!" Mario continued. "The first one to die loses!"
"Um, what?" Yoshi asked.
"Yeah, that sounds a little extreme," Peach said.
"I mean, first one to surrender! Now go!" Mario instructed. "And don't fall asleep."
Yellow Toad took out his notebook and scribbled. Foob war begins.
"Uh...so what do we do now?" Luigi asked after everyone else had scrambled off.
Peach glanced at the toads. "Well...I suppose you guys can come in for tea," she said. "And you can dry off, Mario."
"Oh, yeah," he said. "Before I absorb this sugar and become eternally sweet."
Peach giggled as they headed back towards the castle. "Oh, you're already sweet, Mario."
Luigi rolled his eyes.

"Heheh, you look like a caveman like that," Yellow Toad giggled as they sat around the kitchen table.
Mario, Luigi and the toads, as promised, were now in the castle awaiting Peach to bring their tea. Mario was wrapped in towels, one over his shoulders and the other all wrapped up on his head like a turban. Luigi tried to stifle his laughter.
"Say one word, buddy boy, and I'll give you a face full of my hot chamomile," Mario hissed at him.
Suddenly Wario appeared beside him from out of nowhere. "Did you say faceful? Are you joining our side in the war?" he shoved himself in Mario's face.
"Ah! No, I am not joining your war, and-
"What? He's joining the cause?" Waluigi asked, popping up from the other side of the table. Luigi jumped.
"What - how...?"
"I dunno," Waluigi said. Then he hollered at the top of his lungs. "MARIO'S JOINING OUR SIDE, YOU FOOBS!"
"What?! No I'm-
"Traitor!" Birdo cried, appearing around a corner.
"What? I-
"EVIL!!" Birdo cried, eating a pineapple from out of nowhere and shooting it right at him. Mario dove out of the way and landed with a thump on the floor. The pineapple hit Wario in the head, hard. Then he landed with a thump on the floor.
"Mario! We're in a war zone!" Luigi cried.
"I know that!" Mario said, crawling under the table. Luigi ducked down and joined him just as an egg went flying and splatted artfully on the wall.
Luigi cringed. "Somebody is going to die when the princess gets back," he said.
Then Daisy and Yoshi charged in loaded with a wheelbarrow of fruit.
"Hey, foob face! Eat this!" A rotten banana pelted Waluigi in the face.
Yellow and Blue Toads, who were still sitting at the table, exploded into laughter. "Haha! Looks like you got exactly what you wanted!"
But Waluigi didn't seem immensely upset. He grabbed the banana peel and looked at it closely. "Hey...this is the grandson of my banana phone!"
Yellow and Blue Toads looked at the audience in stupidity.
"Alright, it's time to get this place fired up!" Wario declared, getting up. He pulled a chimichanga from nowhere. "Prepare to taste Wario's best!" Then he ate the chimichanga.
"Uh...what do you expect that to do, upset our eye stomachs because you eat so terribly?" Birdo asked.
But Daisy knew what was going on. "Oh my gosh GAS MASK! Everybody clear the room!" she demanded, shoving Yoshi out. The toads didn't move because they were prepared for this sort of stupid scenario twenty four seven. They calmly pulled out actual gas masks and remained seated.
Mario and Luigi scrambled out from under the table. "Run!" Luigi cried, darting for the door. He reached it just as Wario exploded behind him in a wave of toxic green gas. It was a good thing there was no expensive china on the table because it would have been ruined.
When the smoke subsided, he looked up through the open doorway and realized Mario wasn't behind him. "Oh no! Mario!"
He covered his mouth and peeked inside. "Bro?"
He squinted through the foggy green. Then he gasped. "Mario! Get up!"
Luigi raced forward and got down beside the still lump on the floor. "Someone help! Mario down!"
That's when the vents kicked in and the room began to air out. Wario had made a 'clean' getaway.
Then Princess Peach appeared in the doorway. There were several pieces of fruit lying around, a raw egg on the wall, and Mario was lying on the floor in Luigi's arms.
"What on earth happened?!"
Luigi raised his head, looking close to tears. It was impossible to tell if he was acting or not.
"He was a victim of war," he said bitterly. "Suffocated to death and I promised I'd look out for him!"
"Whatever do you mean?!" Peach asked in shock.
Luigi uttered two words. "Gas mask."
Peach gasped. "Luigi! We don't use those words indoors!"
Luigi hung his head and removed Mario's hat, using it to fan his face. "Mario, please don't die," he said.
"Luigi, you're being ridiculous. I'm sure he'll be fine. Why don't you give him some fresh air?" Peach suggested.
"I am," he replied. "He's not waking up. I think I'm going to put him on the couch, if you don't mind," he said, hoisting the unconscious Mario over his shoulder. "And then take Wario to court for attempted murder."
Peach was pretty sure he was joking.

"Halt!" Waluigi demanded."Back away from the remote!"
About half an hour later, Mario was still down for the count, so Luigi had decided to hang out in the castle's home theater while he waited. There had been no sign of the warring communities - at least not until now.
"No!" Luigi said. "I'm a guest at the castle, and you're not! You know the princess is still cleaning up your mess in the dining room!"
"You mean slave driving the toads?"
"WHY DON'T YOU GO ANNOY SOMEONE ELSE?" Luigi snapped, plunking himself in a seat. He grabbed the remote and switched the tv on. Mario Kart 8 highlight reels.
He sighed and tried to relax. But he had only been doing so for about thirty seconds before he heard smug giggling behind him.
He turned around to get a face full of cream pie.
"WHERE IS ALL THIS FOOD COMING FROM!?"
Wario started rolling on the floor in laughter. "Oh yeah! We got you good!" He high-fived Waluigi.
"You evil creeps," Luigi seethed. "I'm not in this war!"
"Yeah? Well if your brother was a victim of it, then that makes you our enemy."
Luigi got up and stormed out. Wario and Waluigi followed him, grinning.
When they crossed the threshold, they tripped over an invisible wire and face planted right into a big bucket of tomato sauce. Around the corner, Daisy and Birdo high-fived.
Just then Yellow and Blue Toads came passing by. They froze when they saw the display.
"Oh! Bobbing for vegetables!" Blue Toad said.
"Vegetables? I've never heard of people bobbing for anything in tomato sauce," Yellow Toad said.
Wario lifted his head. "Those foobs are going to pay," he growled.
Just then Waluigi lifted his head. At that moment Wario pushed him down to stand up and shoved Waluigi's head back undertomato.
"Okay well, bad luck with that, we'll be booing for you," Blue Toad said, then the two scampered away.

Later that afternoon, Peach tossed a sponge into the sink with a sigh. "Well, that's done," she said.
Suddenly the door burst open and Birdo and Yoshi came stampeding through the kitchen, dodging an oncoming barrage of garlic and hurling mangoes over their shoulders. A couple of toads were after them, screaming at the top of their lungs and tracking something like strawberry jelly all over the floor.
They were followed a moment later by Wario and Waluigi, who were throwing the garlic and laughing their heads off. Peach stepped in their path and they froze.
"What do you think you're doing?! Look at this mess you've just made!"
Waluigi took off his hat. "Ma'am, this is war. And I'm afraid it's a very messy business."
"Not in my kitchen it isn't! Why don't you go make war on each other?" Peach scolded and turned away, now with more work to do. Wario and Waluigi looked at each other and grinned smugly.
Meanwhile, Luigi walked out of the bathroom, scrubbing his face with a paper towel. "Well, that was the best I can do," he muttered, heading back to where Mario was. A toad who was waiting outside looked after him with a weird look.
Luigi plunked himself on the foot of the couch and started messing around on his phone. It was nice to finally have a moment of silence.
Mario was still dead, and Luigi had arranged him with a flower in his hands to look so. His reasoning was that if the foobs mistook him for a corpse, nobody would try to attack him further.
Of course, the silence was ruined seven seconds later by Purple Toad, who rushed in looking worried.
"Luigi, we gotta hide," he said.
Luigi, who was now really wrapped up in something, didn't answer.
"Luigi?"
"Uh, what?" he asked, not taking his eyes off the phone.
"Come on, they're almost here!"
"Uhh, hang on a second, I have to check my email."
"LUIGI!"
"Haha! Too late, losers!" Wario said, strolling into the room. He appeared empty handed, and so did Waluigi who followed him.
Luigi looked up and frowned. "What do you bozos want?"
"I heard this place got turned into a cemetery," Waluigi said. "Are we in time for the funeral?"
Luigi was millimeters away from giving him a death stare. "The murderer is not invited to the funeral."
"What funeral?" Purple Toad asked.
"Aw, come on, I just came to pay my respects," Waluigi said. "It's not my fault Wario farted."
"Just kill me now," Luigi said.
"No thanks, I think I'll have fun with the dead corpse," Wario said, taking out a can of shaving cream. "Ordinarily I'd use whipped cream, but that tastes good, so we'll go with this."
"Hold the phone," Luigi said, standing up and handing his phone to Purple Toad. He promptly started playing Angry Birds.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm just trying this trick I learned in a magazine," Wario replied.
"What was it called?"
"Stupidity Daily."
"While I am shocked to learn that you can actually read, I must insist that you stop."
"Too late." Wario grabbed Mario's hand and squirted a huge mound of shaving cream on it.
Luigi lunged forward to stop him but he was just that...too late. Stamping a foot in anger, he made as if to crush Wario's head.
"Now I just need like a feather or something," Wario said, looking around.
"You could try outside," Purple Toad suggested, still playing on Luigi's phone.
Luigi glared at him. He snatched the phone away.
"Hey! I'm about to ace the level!"
"Nice job," Luigi said as Wario and Waluigi scampered away to find a feather. "Just excellent."
"Thanks."
"I'M BEING SARCASTIC! If we can't wake Mario up calmly before they get back, he's gonna have something coming to him."
"Like the door to heaven?"
Luigi looked at him weirdly. "Mario's not actually dead! Don't you know that?"
"Yeah. I just assumed he'd die when he realized he'd been pranked."
"Then we've got to find a way to wake him up..." Luigi said thoughtfully.

"Hey, look, it's a bird!" Waluigi said, pointing to the sky.
"No, it's a paratroopa," Wario corrected. "No, it's...oh, wait, it's a bird after all."
A rabbit who had been hopping about the castle grounds stopped beside them and watched the supposed bird for a moment. Then it rolled it eyes. "Morons."
"Hey birdie! Come down here so we can talk to you!" Waluigi shouted.
"Birds don't talk, idiot," Wario said.
"I mean, come down here so we can pluck your feather!"
That was when Wario was hit in the head hard with a coconut. He slumped to the ground, dead.
Waluigi looked up. Daisy and Birdo were looking out an open window above their heads, trying hard to contain their laughter.
"Bullseye!" Daisy cheered. "Ready to surrender, foob?"
"Never!" Waluigi shot back. He grabbed Wario's foot and dragged him off the scene. Blue and Yellow Toad sat on his enormous stomach to catch a ride, eating popcorn as they did. Yellow Toad had his notebook.
"Wario dies to coconut bombing," he wrote. "Team Daisy and the Dinos up one zip."

Meanwhile Luigi was sitting on the couch, eyes closed and focusing hard. Purple Toad stood there watching him.
"So what exactly are you doing?" he asked.
"Trying to telepathically warn Mario of the danger when he wakes up," Luigi replied, as if it were a perfectly logical thing to do.
Purple Toad took it in stride. "So you mean like the Force?"
Luigi opened his eyes. "No, not like-! Oh, nevermind."
Daisy and Birdo came into the room, nearly bouncing with excitement. Yoshi joined them.
"Wario's down," Daisy reported. "Now we just have to take care of Waluigi."
"Why don't you try throwing a banana at him," Luigi said unhelpfully.
"No...it's got to be something better than that."
"How about a cream pie in the face," he said bitterly.
"Ooh, not a bad idea," Daisy said thoughtfully.
But just then, Waluigi came into the room. He was holding a feather.
"You're too late!" he said triumphantly. "Now I shall have my revenge!"
Daisy didn't get it. "What are you gonna do with a feather, tickle us to death? That's not even a food, so it's probably against the rules."
"No," Waluigi said, coming over to the couch. "I play by my own rules."
And before Luigi could stop him he tickled Mario's face with it.
Luigi lunged forward and snatched the feather away, but at the wrong moment. Mario had already given himself a faceful of shaving cream.
"Owned," Yoshi said.
Daisy crossed her arms. "Well that was uncool. You just signed up for a full on blueberry pelting battle," she informed Waluigi.
"Oh, come on, it was just a practical joke," he said. Yoshi grabbed a bucket of blueberries from nowhere.
Meanwhile, Mario had finally sat up. He blinked a few times and looked around. Without saying a word he spotted the feather in Luigi's hand. Waluigi pointed at him.
"No, wait, Mario, I didn't-
Mario wiped a bunch of shaving cream off his face on his sleeve. "You better run, buddy boy."
"Why you little creep!" Daisy yelled at Waluigi, raising her blueberry gun which she'd just gotten from nowhere.
"Wait guys, it's okay, I think the war is over now-"
Yoshi and Birdo began to advance on him. "Now you will know the meaning of death by blueberry," Daisy told him. "And someday soon you will have to go visit your parents. And you will discover the horror and impossibility of dealing with blueberry stains, which you will carry the rest of your life."
And with that they fired.

Meanwhile, Peach was in the kitchen just getting the last wave of food cleaned up and trying to keep Toad from breaking dishes when Luigi came running down the hall screaming. "IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"
Then Mario darted by close on his heels, with white stuff all over his face. And did he look angry.
Toad and Peach looked at each other. Finally Toad shrugged. "Brothers," he said.

Here it may be chronicled that in the thirty-first year of the Mushroom Kingdom, the First Foob War was officially ended by Princess Daisy and her fruit-chucking dinosaurs. Only minimum lasting injuries were inflicted upon the losing side which may include injured egos. No foods were harmed in the production of this story.

~ Yellow Toad

References:

Tanooki tree - Super Mario 3D Land

Gas mask - Mario Strikers Charged

Punch-Out!

Mario Kart 8

And before you even ask what a foob is, it's a made up word. Nobody really knows it's meaning, anyway.