TW for mentions of abuse and self-harm

__________

oh no, here we go again, the bad thoughts are creeping in
when i feel crazy, i hide it, then fall apart in private
where my mirror's the only one who sees my tears
- manic, coleman hell

Natsu woke to a gentle rocking and the sound of waves lapping against the side of the boat. He yawned, sitting up and shivering in the chilly morning air. The sun was just starting to rise – pale yellow light creeping down over the dark outline of the mountains – and Natsu's breath hung in front of his face, heavy and white.

He stood slowly, bracing himself against the boat's railing as he groaned and stretched out his aching muscles. Even with the blanket he'd managed to scrounge up, the deck of the ship wasn't very comfortable, and Natsu could barely feel his fingers.

It was getting too cold to sleep outside.

Natsu rubbed his face, wishing Gray was here to watch the sunrise with him. They had stared at the stars last night until far past midnight, not talking, just pointing out constellations and listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore.

Eventually Natsu had walked with Gray back to Main Street, then pretended to head to a friend's house and doubled back to the ship to stare at the sky until he fell asleep. The look in Gray's eyes when they'd parted ways made Natsu pretty sure that Gray didn't believe him, but he had been too tired to care.

A buzzing came from Natsu's backpack and he dug through the front pocket until he found his phone. A text from Lucy popped up on the screen – Dad's still gone today and I have Kaden, wanna meet us for breakfast?

A grin spread across Natsu's face as he read the message and he hopped to his feet, slinging his bag over his shoulder and leaping down from the ship to head back into town.

__________

"Do you think he likes me?"

Natsu carefully pried a sugar packet away from Kaden's chubby fingers, looking up at Lucy, who sat across the table from him at the café. She poked at her eggs and pushed them around her plate.

"You mean Gray?" she asked, making a silly face at Kaden, who babbled at her.

Natsu sighed dramatically. "Unless there's another unfairly attractive guy around that I've been flirting with, yes."

Lucy reached over and poked at the tower of coffee creamers Natsu had built, and it tumbled down, knocking some of them to the floor. Natsu stuck his tongue out at her, bouncing Kaden on his knee. When Lucy didn't reply, he frowned at her.

"What's up, Luce?" he asked. Kaden began to chew on Natsu's thumb.

Lucy ran her fingers through her hair, then pulled it back into a ponytail and gave Natsu a strange look.

"Probably?" she said after a minute. "Gray probably likes you, I mean."

"...but?" Natsu asked. Lucy had been in a weird mood since the group had started, and Natsu couldn't figure it out. He hadn't done anything that was likely to upset her, and she'd even brought Kaden to visit him again, taking advantage of her dad being on another continent.

Maybe Lucy didn't like Gray? Gray had been hanging out with them a lot lately – was Lucy jealous? But that didn't make sense because she'd been fine with Natsu inviting him places, and they seemed to get along. Unless Lucy was just pretending to like him to not hurt Natsu's feelings, and—

"Isn't now kind of a bad time?" Lucy's voice brought Natsu out of his tangled thoughts, and he watched as she tapped her fork against her plate. The sound grated on Natsu's nerves.

"Bad time?" Natsu repeated. He reached out and grabbed the fork from Lucy, trying his best to make it seem playful. Lucy sighed and gave him the sad, pitying look he hated.

"You just seem kind of off," she said gently.

"I'm fine," Natsu protested, and Lucy shook her head. "What? I'm doing all the things in group, I'm writing and sharing and making friends, isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? And yeah, okay, I haven't been sleeping great, but that's not a big deal. You don't have to be so—"

"Have you been taking your meds?" Lucy interrupted quietly.

Natsu felt a flash of anger and embarrassment, and he looked away from Lucy, focusing on the handle of his coffee mug that he kept just out of Kaden's reach. Kaden babbled in his lap, tugging at the sleeve of Natsu's sweater and putting it in his mouth.

"Yeah," Natsu lied. He thought of the angry look on Don's face on Friday when Natsu had tried to ask again about getting a refill, and his stomach clenched uncomfortably. "I'm fine, Luce," he insisted again, trying to keep his voice steady. "I'm happy, I'm not doing anything stupid, right?"

He carefully didn't mention dragging Gray out onto the abandoned pier last night.

Lucy sighed, reaching out and tugging Natsu's hoodie sleeve out of Kaden's mouth. Natsu quickly pulled his arm back and Lucy's eyes widened as she looked up at him.

"It's not what you think," Natsu said hurriedly, shaking his head and bouncing his leg harder under Kaden. "I'm not stupid, Luce- I'm not, I wouldn't—"

"What happened?" Lucy asked quietly. Natsu didn't answer, just wrapped his arm tighter around Kaden and bit down on the inside of his cheek. "Natsu, look at me. Did you—"

"I already said I didn't," he snapped. "Why don't you ever believe me?"

"Because you've lied to me before," Lucy hissed. Kaden looked up at her and made a frustrated sound, then started squirming in Natsu's lap. Natsu sighed, rubbing at his face and glancing around the restaurant. Everyone was absorbed in their own conversations or staring at their phones.

"It's just a bruise," Natsu muttered, tugging up his sleeve and holding out his arm to Lucy. "Gajeel was bein' a dick, I told you about it, remember?"

Lucy ran her fingers over the dark, fingerprint-shaped marks on Natsu's wrist, then took his hand in hers. He held perfectly still, not flinching, not thinking of an angry voice and rancid breath and exhausted terror.

"You said Gajeel didn't hurt you," Lucy countered. "And that was over a week ago." Kaden whined, turning on Natsu's leg and grabbing at the zipper of his sweater.

"Well, I forgot," Natsu muttered, trying hard not to pull his arm away from Lucy's grip. His chest was tight and his skin started to thrum uncomfortably. "Whatever, it's not a big deal."

"You're a terrible liar," Lucy said softly. "What's going on? Who hurt you?" Natsu growled in frustration, leaning away from Lucy and yanking his sleeve down again. The gentle tone of Lucy's voice made him want to break things.

Kaden started crying, rubbing his face against Natsu's sweater, and Natsu put his hand on the back of Kaden's head, stroking his hair and whispering to him gently. Natsu couldn't look up at Lucy, couldn't see the fear and concern and disbelief in her eyes.

"Natsu," Lucy protested, but he shook his head and stood up. A heavy pressure was building behind his eyes, and the restaurant suddenly felt too loud, too overwhelming, too much. Natsu kissed Kaden on the head, then held him out to Lucy without making eye contact.

"I gotta go," he said roughly, grabbing his backpack from under the table and swinging it over his shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Natsu, I'm not mad," Lucy said, holding Kaden tightly as he fussed and squirmed against her grip. "Just talk to me, please."

"I did," Natsu said shortly. "I told you what happened and you don't believe me. I gotta go."

Before Lucy could respond, Natsu turned on his heel and walked as quickly as he could out of the restaurant and into the cold.

__________

Natsu wasn't even a block away before he started crying. He ducked off the main road and curved toward the park, wiping angrily at his eyes and pulling up his hood to hide his face. It was snowing – small, light flakes that stuck to the sleeves of his sweater before melting into dark patches.

His chest ached as he swallowed down a sob. Part of him wanted to run back and apologize, wanted to hold Kaden and sing to him and laugh with Lucy. But he didn't want to see that look on her face, and he didn't want to answer her questions.

Maybe Lucy's dad was right. Maybe he wasn't safe.

Natsu walked for nearly an hour until his hands were numb and the sun had set. The chill of the evening pierced through Natsu's thin sweater and he rubbed his arms, shivering. He pulled out his phone from his pocket and stared at his last text from Gray – I liked the stars.

Natsu tried to reply, but nothing he wrote made any sense.

Fuck. Natsu could feel the tears again and he bit his lip to keep himself from crying – this couldn't happen again. Not now, not when he'd been trying to fucking hard to keep everything from falling apart. It was creeping through him, a dark, angry ache that spread to each point in his body and made him feel like he couldn't move.

Natsu closed his eyes, shaking his head and trying to push it all away. He thought about Gray – about the way he'd looked under the moon last night, his expression as he'd watched the stars, the way he'd held Natsu's hand tightly as they'd walked along the pier. Instead of the thrill of excitement that had accompanied the thoughts before, Natsu only felt a dull numbness, and the soft ache of the bruises around his wrist.

He didn't deserve Gray anyway. Gray was kind and thoughtful and not a broken disaster.

Frustration bubbled up in Natsu's chest and he ducked into an alley, turning and slamming his fist into the wall. Pain burst through his knuckles and down his wrist and he gritted his teeth, hitting the brick again. The sensation spiked through the deadened fog around him, and he was about to do it again when he heard a quiet voice.

"Are you okay?"

Natsu looked up to see a girl standing in front of him. Her brow was furrowed in concern, and it made Natsu want to scream. The numbness in his stomach began to coil into a hot, furious rage, and he latched onto it. Anything was better than not feeling.

"I'm fine!" he shouted, stepping away from her and clenching his fists. The scrapes along his knuckles stung. "Why the fuck does everybody keep asking me that?"

"You just-"

Natsu cut her off before she could finish.

"Leave me the fuck alone," he growled, then turned away from her and ran.