you're not certain when you feel
hurt yet violent when you deal
with how the world drags you along
but you're not alone
- garbage, "beloved freak"

The first week of group went by quickly. Natsu had easily convinced Gray to join their after-group jam sessions, and between that and work, Gray barely had time to think. Then the weekend came, full of silence and nothing to do, and with it came the nightmares.

They were building a snow fort.

Lyon was laughing as he tossed snowballs at Gray, but his teeth were sharp and his eyes were black. Gray caught a snowball and when he looked down it was red in his hands, red on his chest, red spilling between his fingers onto the floor.

When Gray looked up again, the fort was gone, and instead there was a prison made of ice, bars holding back his brother, whose hands were growing claws that dripped with blood. Gray's blood, that poured from ragged wounds in his shoulder and his stomach.

I'm sorry, Gray tried to say, but all that came out was a scream.

Gray shuddered awake, fingers bunched in the blanket, breath coming in quiet gasps. He could feel tears on his cheeks and he pressed his face against the arm of the couch, muffling a loud sob that shook his entire body. His shoulder and side burned, and the pain was so intense that he screamed into the couch, digging his fingers into his forearm to block it out.

"Fuck," Gray sobbed, curling up as small as he could and choking out another ragged breath. Panic and anger and fear bubbled up in his chest as hot tears streamed down his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes shut, harsh sobs slowing to quiet crying.

There was a soft mrowl beside Gray's head, and seconds later a warm body curled up against his chest. Happy's tail flicked Gray's nose and Gray slowly uncurled his fist, brushing his fingers over Happy's soft fur. Happy rumbled, vibrating against Gray comfortingly.

Gray petted Happy with trembling hands for a few minutes, letting himself cry until he felt washed out and empty. Happy's tail flicked back and forth contentedly as he purred against Gray's chest, and the pain slowly faded to a manageable throb.

"Thanks," Gray whispered to Happy, letting out a shaky breath and looking down at his watch – seven-thirty. He'd only been asleep for half an hour. Gray sighed, rolling onto his back and earning himself a disgruntled meow.

Gray hadn't dreamed about Lyon in a long time.

The sound of his phone pinging had Gray's heart skyrocketing again, but when he looked at the screen and saw that it was a message from Natsu, the fear quickly dissipated.

hey snowflake wanna here a bad french joke?

Gray stared down at the text – predictably misspelled and oddly endearing. He rolled his eyes, glancing at Happy, who meowed at him plaintively.

"Shush," Gray muttered as Happy turned in circles on his stomach, then began to knead his claws into Gray's sweater.

Gray scratched behind Happy's ears as he studied the screen. Ever since Monday, Natsu had taken to texting Gray every evening, vaguely flirty messages that made Gray's heart jump a bit every time his phone went off. At first, Gray had tried to ignore the feeling – sure, Natsu was cute, but Gray was a mess and had no business having a crush on anyone.

Natsu was so... charming, though. His stupid, goofy smile was enough to pull Gray out of his pain, and Gray had even started looking forward to the group so he could sit next to Natsu and listen to his dumb stories and watch him wave his hands in the air while he talked.

Gray chewed his lip. The dream still hung in the edges of his consciousness – Lyon's black eyes, the blood on his hands, the chill of the snowflakes drifting around them.

He still felt like crying.

Gray glanced over at the pill bottle on the coffee table, rubbing his shoulder absently. Even though both Ultear and his therapist insisted that letting people in was a good thing, Gray still felt uncertain. Even after a week, Natsu was already settling into the empty parts of Gray's life, and sometimes it was enough to make Gray feel like he couldn't breathe. People were dangerous. They always seemed safe, seemed kind, seemed like they loved him—

cmon i dont know any other french ppl gimme a chance

Gray snorted at the new message, then typed out a quick reply.

Fine, tell me your terrible joke.

He only had to wait a few seconds for Natsu's next message.

what do french ppl call a rly bad thursday?

...

a trajeudi

Gray groaned, rolling his eyes and laughing. Happy gave him a disgruntled look and Gray scratched him under the chin.

You're right, that is awful, Gray typed. You have a terrible sense of humor.

at least im pretty ;), Natsu replied.

Gray's cheeks flushed as the text popped up, and he sighed, tipping his head back against the couch. Happy blinked up at him and Gray scowled.

"Don't look at me like that," he muttered. His phone buzzed again and he glanced down. Another text from Natsu.

i dont have anything rn, gimme a week and i can get it but only 20

Gray frowned. Twenty what?

sry sry tht was wrong #, came another message before Gray could respond. my bad, ignore that.

An uneasy feeling started to form in Gray's stomach. Something about the text felt wrong, felt so un-Natsu that he wanted to ask about it. But what was he supposed to say? Before he could respond, another message came through.

r u doin anything rite now?

Gray looked out the window at the setting sun. Part of him was comfortable here and didn't want to move, but another part of him was terrified of falling back asleep to visions of blood and sharp teeth.

No, why?, he responded eventually.

im bored, come hang out w me. meet me at the librariy?

Gray felt the flutter in his stomach again, the excitement at the idea of seeing Natsu's silly grin, being close to him, basking in Natsu's warmth and letting himself feel like he wasn't so alone.

Sure, he typed out, nudging Happy off his stomach. I'll be there in half an hour.

__________

When Gray got to the library, Natsu was sitting outside on the curb, digging the toes of his battered shoes into the gravel and staring intently at his phone. Natsu looked up as Gray approached, and his face broke into a grin that made Gray's stomach flip.

"Hey!" Natsu let Gray help him to his feet, then brushed the dirt from his jeans and shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. "Thanks for coming, I was gettin' really bored. Erza was hanging out with me, but she had an AA meeting, and Lucy's busy with Kaden. Not that you're like, a last resort or anything," Natsu added hastily, "I didn't mean it like that, I just—"

"Natsu." Gray interrupted the rushed tirade, and Natsu stopped mid-sentence, biting his lip ring. "It's fine, don't worry about it. I needed to get out of the apartment anyway."

"Oh." Natsu gave Gray a bright smile. "Cool. What'd you wanna do? I was at Starbucks with Erza but she wouldn't let me have more coffee and she said that three was more than enough, which is dumb 'cause I know she drinks like six cups a day so that's kinda... uh... what's that word when you do the thing you tell other people not to do?"

"Hypocritical?" Gray suggested, struggling to follow the quick flow of Natsu's words.

"That's the one!" Natsu pulled his hands out of his pockets and ran his fingers through his messy hair.

"So, uh..." Gray shifted uncertainly. "Are you... hungry?"

A look that Gray didn't recognize flashed across Natsu's face momentarily, then Natsu quickly shook his head.

"Nah, I ate with Erza." The words didn't sound sincere, and Gray raised an eyebrow. The grin on Natsu's face faltered for only a second, and then he nudged Gray's shoulder. "If you wanna eat though, there's this awesome Lebanese place by the pier?"

The walk down the road by the beach was filled with the sound of Natsu's voice, and Gray found he didn't mind at all. Natsu gestured wildly as he told story after story, and the gentle cadence of his words pulled Gray further and further out of the fog of his nightmare, until it was nothing more than a vague, uncomfortable memory.

"C'mon, I'll never finish this, have some," Gray said after they'd stopped for him to pick up a donair. Despite Natsu's reassurances that he wasn't hungry, Gray had a feeling he was lying, and his suspicion was confirmed when Natsu reluctantly accepted the offer of sharing, and then ate most of the meal. Gray ended up pretending to still be hungry, and bought them both ice cream that they ate as they walked down the beach.

"So... do you live close to here?" Gray asked after they'd been walking for a while. Natsu didn't answer for a second, instead looking out over the water where the sun had almost dipped below the horizon. A thin ray of orange light lined the expanse of ocean, and the sound of waves crashing against the shore was interrupted only by the cawing of gulls. The sun winked one final time and then slipped away, leaving them in a soft, quiet dark.

"Nah," Natsu said eventually. "I'm stayin' at a friend's place tonight." There was that same hesitation that felt like a lie, but before Gray could ask, Natsu turned to him with a playful smile. "C'mon, I wanna show you somethin'."

Gray was about to protest when Natsu reached out and grabbed his hand, and the warmth of Natsu's fingers against his chased away anything he might have wanted to say. Nastu's hand was shaking, and the pace he set along the beach had Gray running to keep up.

"Where are we going?" Gray asked as they hopped over pieces of driftwood and around piles of kelp and seaweed that had washed up on the beach.

"You'll see," was all Natsu said. He slipped his fingers between Gray's, and all Gray could do was follow Natsu through the dark.

Eventually they left the beach and climbed up a set of stone stairs that led to the old pier. Gray hadn't been here in years – it had been condemned not long after he'd moved here, and half the boards were rotted through, falling into the cold of the ocean below. Two derelict sailboats were still moored near the end, bobbing listlessly on the waves, and Gray could see their outlines in the soft light of the rising moon.

"What are you doing?" Gray hissed as Natsu tugged him forward. A sign reading Warning: Restricted Area, Keep Out loomed above them, with smaller text underneath that said Pier Unsafe. "We can't go out there."

"I promise it'll be worth it," Natsu said, turning around and giving Gray a pleading look. His eyes were bright and he looked almost wild underneath the moon – hair streaked with silver and face cast in dark shadows. "C'mon. It'll be an adventure."

Gray glanced down the pier again uncertainly. It didn't look safe – the badly constructed railing had fallen apart in places, and the tiny boathouse at the far end had been graffitied over several times. Gray was fairly certain that Gajeel was responsible for more than one of those tags.

"Please?" Natsu asked quietly. Gray turned back to him, and the look Natsu gave him was so soft and earnest that Gray found he couldn't refuse.

Natsu helped Gray clamber over the small wooden fence – the only thing that was keeping them from the long stretch of the pier. There was a single, flickering lamp that hung close by, but the full moon cast a gentle glow over the rest of the dock, making the abandoned ships look ghostly as they drifted on the water.

"Careful," Natsu said, motioning for Gray to follow his footsteps. He took a clear path, avoiding some beams while stepping gently on others, and Gray tensed every time the wood creaked beneath their feet. By the time they made it to the boats, Gray's heart was pounding, and his palm was sweaty against Natsu's.

Natsu motioned toward the closest boat – a motorsailer with flaking, rusted paint and the word Serenity painted on the side of the hull. It clearly hadn't been touched in years, and barnacles crept up the sides, making a strange scraping sound as the boat rocked against the dock.

"C'mon," Natsu whispered, grinning as he grabbed the metal railing and hoisted himself up onto the ship's deck. Gray looked at him uncertainly, then reached out and took Natsu's hand, letting Natsu help pull him on board.

The ship swayed under their feet and Gray clung unsteadily to Natsu's arm as Natsu guided him toward the bow, stepping over rusted chains and a discarded bouy.

"What are we—" Gray started to ask, but when he looked over at Natsu, the words stuck in his throat.

Natsu's face was tipped up to the night sky, eyes wide and full of awe beneath the silver light. Gray looked up and felt his breath catch as he realized what Natsu was looking at. Millions of stars spilled across the sky, stretching across the dark expanse of the ocean until they drifted down over the horizon, close together and far apart and making intricate patterns that Gray couldn't quite understand.

"Wow," Gray breathed, trying to connect the thousands of pinpricks of light into something that made sense. The only thing around them was the soft crashing of waves against the hull of the ship, and Gray felt a shiver run through him at the realization that they were completely alone, separated from the rest of the world by some rotting planks and sign that said unsafe.

"Told you it'd be worth it," Natsu said, fingertips still resting lightly against Gray's. His shoulder brushed Gray's as his eyes trailed through the constellations to the ocean, watching the waves roll in toward the beach. "I like it here."

Gray looked over at Natsu, taking in the openness of his expression, the child-like wonder in his eyes as he leaned forward on the boat's railing. He looked happy, but Gray could see something behind it – something dark and frightened and uncertain.

Gray hesitated, part of him wanting desperately to ask if Natsu was okay, to find out why he was lying, to make sure he wasn't hurt. But the other part of him didn't want to disturb the serene way Natsu was smiling at the ocean right now, so instead Gray leaned forward, pressed his shoulder to Natsu's, and watched the reflection of the stars in the sea.