you're so mean when you talk
about yourself, you were wrong
change the voices in your head
make them like you instead
- pink, "fuckin' perfect"

The next day, Natsu showed just in time to harass Gray, who stood in the smoking area without actually smoking. He looked grumpy, hands shoved deep in his pockets and a pensive scowl on his face.

"You took my advice and gave up?" Natsu grinned, sliding across the railing in front of Gray and kicking out his feet. Gray gave him an exasperated glare.

"Ran out," he muttered irritably. "Not worth it anyway, too expensive."

Natsu nodded, yanking out his earbuds and draping them around his neck. He felt grungy this morning – likely the result of sleeping in the park again and wearing the same clothes for three days in a row. After being caught by a security guard at two in the morning, he had ended up spending the rest of the night in a twenty-four-hour diner, drinking cup after cup of shitty coffee. Natsu ran his tongue along the back of his teeth – his mouth felt fuzzy.

"You look like hell," Gray commented, eyes roaming over Natsu's wayward hair. "You forget how to use a brush or something?" Natsu snorted, running a hand through his hair in an attempt to tame it.

"Natsu!" Lucy's voice rang out from the parking lot, and Natsu turned to see her – carrying Kaden! Natsu jumped up and dashed over to her, peering over her shoulder for her father. "Dad's not here, the nanny is sick and he's in South America right now. Wanna go see Uncle Natsu?" The last phrase was cooed at the blonde baby in her arms that she gently passed over to Natsu.

"Hey buddy," Natsu whispered, gazing into Kaden's bright blue eyes. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Ba," agreed Kaden, reaching up to grasp Natsu's hair. Natsu laughed, dodging the clever fingers.

"Is that so?" Natsu pressed a kiss to Kaden's forehead, feeling his chest swell with a mix of emotions. "He's gotten so much bigger." Lucy laughed, reaching out and stroking Kaden's hair away from his face.

"He can roll over now," she said softly, a look of pride on her face. "And sit up too, although he generally just falls over." Natsu smiled, grabbing Kaden's hand as Kaden reached out curious fingers towards Natsu's lip ring.

"Better not touch that," Natsu said quietly, reveling in the feeling of Kaden's weight in his arms. He remembered when Kaden was born, how tiny and fragile and he had been – skin like tissue paper and soft, blonde eyelashes resting against his cheeks. Lucy had begged the nurse to let Natsu stay, and the two of them had curled up together, facing each other on the hospital bed with Kaden in between them, watching him breathe.

"Ba," Kaden said again, this time reaching over Natsu's shoulder. Natsu turned to see that Gray had followed him over, but was hanging back a bit, trying hard to look disinterested.

"Ah," said Natsu, tapping Kaden's nose. "That is Grumpy Gray. He likes to frown a lot." Gray scowled at Natsu as he and Lucy both laughed.

"Sorry, Gray," Lucy said, stepping forward and gesturing for him to join them. Gray did so reluctantly, hands still in his pockets. "Natsu's just a jerk sometimes. You'll get used to it."

"I am not a jerk," Natsu protested. "I'm merely stating facts." Kaden wriggled in Natsu's arms, grabbing one of the strings of his hoodie and beginning to chew on it. "Wanna hold him?" The question was directed at Gray – Natsu didn't really want to relinquish Kaden, but figured it was the polite thing to ask.

"I'm good," Gray replied mildly. Kaden stared at Gray, eyes immediately travelling to the pendant around his neck. "I can tell you wanna put that in your mouth, and it probably tastes just about as bad as those," Gray said, gesturing to Natsu's hoodie strings.

"I will have you know that this hoodie tastes delicious," Natsu replied indignantly.

"Oh yeah?" Gray retorted. "When was the last time you washed it?" Natsu rolled his eyes, but before he could retaliate, Lucy cut in.

"Natsu, he's not staying all day." Natsu's face fell and he clutched Kaden to him tightly. "Loke is coming to pick him up in about ten minutes." Kaden began to squirm and fuss, so Natsu switched him over to the other arm, bouncing Kaden on his hip.

"Oh." It was the only thing he could think of to say. Lucy's face was sympathetic and her words were soft, but it didn't change anything.

"I can bring him back tomorrow, I think," Lucy said gently, placing a hand on Natsu's arm. "I'm... I'm gonna talk to my dad."

"Whatever," Natsu sighed, knowing that Lucy meant well but that these few minutes with his 'nephew' were likely all he was going to get for the foreseeable future. Lucy's father was strict and demanding, and while he helped Lucy out by hiring a nanny for Kaden, it put him in control of who got to spend time with his grandson. And that was not Natsu. It was Loke.

"Natsu, Loke really isn't that bad," Lucy insisted. "And he is Kaden's father." The implied and you're not was like a punch to the stomach, and Natsu felt like he couldn't breathe.

Loke hadn't been there when Lucy had called Natsu at midnight, crying over a positive pregnancy test, and Natsu had snuck out and came to her house to comfort her. Loke hadn't been there at the ultrasound where Lucy had found out that the baby was a boy, and had asked Natsu to help her name him. Loke hadn't been there when Lucy got too big to reach her feet, so Natsu painted her toes for her and brought her weird snacks like edamame chips and papaya juice.

Loke had certainly not been there the night that Lucy had gone into labor, two weeks early with her dad in another country, so Natsu had driven her to the hospital, holding her hand and telling her to breathe while he blew through red lights and swerved around corners. Loke hadn't sat for twenty-eight nerve-wracking hours in the hospital waiting room, biting his nails while doctors told him, sorry, you're not family, we can't give you any information. Loke hadn't been the one to finally burst into the hospital room, to sweep Lucy and the tiniest baby he'd ever seen into a hug, hadn't been the second person in the entire world to hold Kaden in his arms.

No, Loke had shown up two months later saying he wanted shared custody, and Lucy's father had been happy because Loke flashed around a lot of money while he said it. Natsu went from seeing Kaden every few days, to seeing Kaden every couple weeks. And then, after the Darkness... this was the first time Natsu had seen Kaden in over a month. It hurt, almost physically.

"Naaaaa," Kaden gurgled, and Natsu snapped out of his angry reverie to see Lucy's sympathetic gaze, and Gray's concerned one. He ignored them both and focused on Kaden's face – his pudgy cheeks, his soft eyelashes, the way his hair was starting to curl. Natsu swallowed heavily, then placed a kiss on Kaden's forehead.

"Thanks, Luce," he said softly, wishing Gray wasn't here to see his trainwreck of emotions. Lucy smiled sadly, stroking Kaden's back.

"He missed you," she whispered. "I'm gonna go see if Loke is here." She turned and headed back into the parking lot.

"I missed him too." Natsu crouched down and settled Kaden so his feet were on the asphalt – he was wearing some sort of ridiculous baby shoes that probably cost more than everything Natsu was wearing right now. What did babies need shoes for anyways? Kaden wriggled, moving his feet uncertainly and gripping Natsu's fingers. "C'mon bud, let's go for a walk." Natsu shuffled backwards, yelping in pain as he banged his head into a railing.

"Idiot," Natsu heard Gray mutter from above him, and then cool fingers were on his, prying them from one of Kaden's hands. Gray let Kaden grasp his own finger instead, then offered his free hand to help Natsu to his feet. "Can't even walk properly, what business do you have teaching anyone else?" The words were soft, and Natsu smiled.

"Oh, so I suppose you think you can do a better job then, huh, Snowflake?" Natsu noticed a minute look of discomfort pass across Gray's face at the nickname, but it was quickly replaced by a grin.

"Of course I do, dumbass." Natsu actually laughed out loud, then glanced down at Kaden, who was holding on to each of their fingers and looking around uncertainly.

"This wa—"

"C'mon Kad—"

They both began to speak at the same time, but at least they were walking in the same direction.

__________

Once Kaden was picked up, the three of them headed into the creative arts room of the Youth Center. Gray didn't go for the windowsill this time, instead sliding into the chair next to Natsu.

"You okay?"

It took a moment for Natsu to realize that Gray's question was directed at him. His chest felt heavy and a deep, thick feeling of sadness was settling into his body. It was familiar, and it scared him.

"Mm," Natsu replied, hoping that would be enough to satisfy Gray. Gray frowned at him, but didn't press the issue, settling back into his seat.

"Good afternoon, everyone!" Mira bustled into the room, a bright smile on her face, and Natsu's mood lightened a fraction. He glanced around at the room – it looked like everyone was here except Gajeel.

"Metal-face isn't here," Natsu whispered, leaning towards Gray. "Maybe he's eating some dicks." Gray snorted and covered his face.

"We're going to get started right away," Mira said. "We're still working on the topic of resilience. How did everyone find our project with the lighthouse yesterday?"

Natsu scuffed the toes of his shoes onto the floor. Mira had said they weren't required to display their projects, but he knew that Gray had seen him sketching a dragon around his lighthouse, mouth opened wide to light the lantern. It had made Natsu feel... naked, somehow.

"Today, we're going to do an exercise to evaluate our current levels of resiliency," Mira said. A few people groaned, and she added, "we can only improve if we know how far we need to go!"

Mira began to jot down some lines on the board, and Natsu felt his heart sink as he read them.

"There are six areas to evaluate, so I'd like you to each rate yourself on a scale of zero to ten," she said. "Afterwards, I'm going to get you to share one of your answers, along with your rationale behind your score."

Just then, the door banged open and Gajeel slunk in, nose bandaged and eyes bruised. Mira raised her eyebrows at him, but said nothing, gesturing him to the empty chair next to Gray. Gajeel grumbled and slid into the seat, folding his arms over his chest.

"Yo." Gajeel leaned forward and kicked Gray's chair. Gray stiffened, and Natsu could see a muscle working in his jaw as he turned to look at Gajeel. "I found out what happened. Sherry told me."

"I thought I told you to mind your own fucking business," Gray hissed. His fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. "Or do I need to beat that into you again?"

"Look, man, I just wanted to say I'm sorry," Gajeel said, sounding surprisingly contrite. Gray looked at Gajeel in surprise, and Natsu blinked. "I deserved this." Gajeel gestured to his face.

"Yeah, you did." Gray's voice was still low and dangerous, but Natsu could see that the tension in his jaw was slowly fading.

"I know I'm not the nicest guy—" Natsu snorted "—but I'd never do that to my brother." Gray's hand drifted to his shoulder as he frowned.

Do what? Natsu was burning with curiosity, and desperately tried not to lean further into their conversation. Gray finally exhaled, and it seemed like most of the tension left his body.

"Yeah, well, that's cause Ryos could probably kick your ass," he muttered, and Gajeel actually laughed.

"I dunno about that, he's got this weird I am darkness thing goin' on that I don't get," Gajeel said. Natsu was baffled. What the hell was happening? Was Gajeel actually having a conversation with Gray? And who was Ryos? "But he's in school and I'm makin' sure he stays there. Don't want him to fuck up like me."

"Well at least he has a stellar example of what not to do," Gray muttered sarcastically. Gajeel let out an amused grunt.

"Gentlemen, private conversations can take place during our breaks," Mira interrupted, and all three boys jumped in their seats. Lucy turned to give Natsu an exasperated stare. "We need to listen to others when they're speaking."

Natsu looked guilty as he realized that he hadn't been paying attention to the rest of the group. Cana had just finished speaking, and was looking morose.

"Lucy, I believe it's your turn." Mira motioned to the board: I have plenty of support from other people in my life.

"I gave myself a seven," Lucy said, looking down at her notebook. "I... well, my dad isn't always the greatest but at least he's there. And Kaden's dad Loke helps out too."

Natsu felt his chest ache again at that name. Thinking about Loke pulling out of the parking lot in his fancy car with Kaden in the back seat just hurt.

"And I have a really, really great best friend who will do anything for me," Lucy added. Natsu jumped as she kicked him under the desk, and his face flushed bright red.

"Wonderful!" Mira said. "Having a good network of friends, family, and other support people in your life can be a very important factor in fostering resiliency." Mira smiled, then turned to Natsu and gestured to the second bullet on the board.

I am able to accept myself for who I really am.

"Um." Natsu hadn't written anything down; he'd been too busy listening to Gajeel and Gray. Now he had to come up with something on the spot. Shit. "I... uh... a one?" He caught Lucy giving him a sad sideways glance. "Mostly 'cause... um..." Natsu felt his throat tightening. What the hell? Yesterday he could have answered this with a ten cause I'm a fucking ray of sunshine and brighten everyone's day but this was what happened when the pills ran out and the highs turned to lows overnight. "I don't... like who I really am? So... yeah."

Mira looked somewhat concerned, but nodded and moved her finger to the next point, nodding at Gray.

I cope well with my emotions in the face of adversity.

"Hah." Gray let out a puff of laughter, then sighed, looking resigned. "Maybe like, a two?" He ran a hand through his hair. "When things are shit, I usually just shut down. 'Cause that's easier than dealing with stuff."

"Suppressing emotions is definitely a very common unhealthy coping mechanism," Mira said. "And that's why you're here, to learn how to deal with those feelings in a more positive way."

Gajeel was next, responding to I am good at communicating and interacting with others in times of stress. To Natsu's surprise, he didn't wave for Mira to pass him, but actually contemplated the question.

"Can I give a zero?" he asked. Mira nodded. "Yeah, I'm the worst at that. I just get mad and do stupid shit like... hit people. And stuff." He looked incredibly uncomfortable, but Mira gave him a wide smile.

"Well, that's why we're here," Mira said enthusiastically, looking around at the group. "This afternoon we're going to be working on learning how to recognize and manage 'normal' emotions."

Natsu sighed, leaning against the back of his desk and feeling exhaustion creeping slowly though his body.

What I wouldn't give for some normal emotions right now, he thought.