if you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the see
i'll sail the world to find you
if you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see
i'll be the light to guide you
- bruno mars, "count on me"

The next two weeks passed in a blur of group, counseling, psychiatrist appointments, babysitting, family dinners, work, and game nights at Freed's. Gray felt like he and Natsu had settled into a comfortable routine, and Gray was more than happy to admit that waking up next to someone was one hundred times better than sleeping alone. Things weren't perfect – Natsu still struggled with his depression and thoughts of self-harm, but the new medication and visits with his psychiatrist were helping.

It was the Saturday before the last week of group, and they were over at Freed's again. Natsu was in the kitchen with Bix, helping him prepare supper, and Freed and Gray were curled up on the couch in the living room drinking tea. Gray's hands were still shaking a bit from reading Lyon's most recent letter, but it hadn't hit as hard as the first one.

"Ça va?" Freed asked, reaching over and resting a hand on Gray's knee. This was the third letter they'd gotten through. After the first one, Lyon's letters had mostly been about happy memories of their childhood, or descriptions of his time in the gang.

"J'irai bien," Gray replied, voice shaky. "It's just hard to remember all those things." Freed nodded sympathetically, leaving their hand on his leg. "It's like he was two different people, and I don't really know one of them."

"I'm sorry," Freed said softly, sipping their tea. "I wish I could help more."

Gray sighed, resting his own hand over Freed's. He'd been growing more and more comfortable with touching other people and letting them touch him, and he felt like he was developing a deeper kind of relationship with Freed than with the others. Maybe it was the shared language, but they spent a fair amount of time texting and had even gone out for coffee a few times.

"You do help," Gray said finally, draining the rest of his tea and setting it on the coffee table. "Is everyone coming over tonight?" he asked, changing the subject. Freed nodded, stretching and adjusting the beanie that covered most of their hair today.

Gray suddenly felt his phone buzz in his pocket and pulled it out, frowning when Gajeel's name popped up on the caller ID. They had been much more friendly with each other over the last few weeks, but getting a call from Gajeel still seemed unusual. Gray looked at Freed, raising his eyebrows and answering the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Gray... I'm, uh, so can you maybe..." Gajeel's voice was shaky and unclear, and Gray was about to ask what was going on when he heard a woman's voice arguing with him, and then the phone changing hands.

"Hi Gray, it's Levy." She sounded slightly out of breath.

"Um. Hi?" Gray frowned at Freed as he waited for an explanation for the call.

"So, I'm in labor," she began, and Gray nearly smacked himself.

"Oh... Jesus, I'm an idiot, that's..." He stammered a bit and brought the phone away from his ear, changing it to speaker so Freed could hear.

"Yeah, it's pretty much the worst," she agreed mildly, then groaned in pain. "Anyway – fuck, what the fucking shit hell goddamn shit fuck, drive faster Gajeel!" There was a pause while she caught her breath. Gray and Freed both looked at each other, frowning. Levy was generally pretty mild-mannered and rarely swore.

"Can I... help with something?" Gray asked tentatively, after the string of expletives had passed.

"Yes!" Levy exhaled sharply. "Gajeel's driving me to the hospital now, of course we have no idea how long – moooooootherfucker – it'll take. Ryos is at, ah... some kind of theatre thing? At his school? And we were hoping that you might be able to pick him up... and maybe... if he could stay with you tonight?" With each question, her voice became more and more desperate.

"Of course," Gray said automatically. He hadn't had much of an opportunity to hang out with Ryos as a teenager as opposed to when he was a kid, but he seemed to be smart and sarcastic, which Gray kind of found endearing. "Just text me the address. And... good luck?"

__________

Gray felt like an awkward, dorky dad as he stood in the atrium of Ryos' high school, waiting for drama club to end. A few actual parents were there and kept giving Gray strange looks, and he started to empathize with Gajeel. Becoming a Ryos' guardian at nineteen couldn't have been easy.

"Gray?" Ryos appeared in front of him, hair pulled back in a messy bun, dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and a dark hoodie that said I can't, I have rehearsal written in fluorescent pink script across the chest. A rainbow of hair ties were wrapped around Ryos' wrist, and his fingernails were painted sparkly purple. "What are you doing here?"

"Levy went into labor," Gray explained, shoving his hands into his back pockets. All the other teens milling around were making him feel old. "She asked if you could stay with us tonight while they're at the hospital. Is that okay?"

Ryos' expression immediately darkened and he looked pointedly at the floor, wrapping his arms across his chest.

"We were at Freed's for board games, Natsu's still there and they're gonna save us some leftovers," Gray said awkwardly, trying to make it sound more like hanging out and not like babysitting. "Is that okay?" Ryos nodded reluctantly.

"Yes. Thank you," he said begrudgingly, and Gray tried to remember that he was fifteen, and the act of expressing gratitude was in itself impressive. "I need some things from home."

The drive to Gajeel's place was quiet but not necessarily awkward, and Gray waited outside while Ryos packed an overnight bag. When Ryos finally got back in the car, he crossed his arms and looked ahead stoically, chewing his bottom lip.

"You wanna grab something from Starbucks?" Gray offered. Gajeel had mentioned a few times in group recently that he was worried that something was going on with his brother, but hadn't been able to get Ryos to open up about it. Gray could see where his concern was coming from, although it was unclear if this was average teenage moodiness or something more serious.

"Oh. Um... yes," Ryos replied, sounding surprised. "Please?"

Gray took the next turnoff and pulled into the drive through, laughing when Ryos' order was almost identical to his own. Ryos thanked him politely, then continued to sit in silence, not making eye contact with Gray.

"Are you worried about the baby?" Gray asked finally, after a few minutes of listening to some shitty radio station. Natsu had figured out some way to connect his iPod to the car – which was a miracle because iPods certainly hadn't been invented when this car was made – but Gray couldn't figure out the adaptor.

"Not really," Ryos admitted, sipping his coffee. "I don't mind kids. Gajeel's been so nervous, I just... I wanna help. I don't know much about babies though." Gray smiled, changing lanes and taking a different exit. It would still get them to Freed's but would add another twenty minutes to the drive. Maybe he could get Ryos to open up a bit.

"Neither did I when my niece was born," Gray admitted, leaning back in his seat and glancing over at Ryos. "I was a couple years older than you, but she was terrifyingly tiny." Ryos made a face.

"Like, what if I drop her?" he said worriedly. His fingers tapped an anxious pattern on his coffee cup. "Or like, fuck up somehow." He winced at the curse. "Sorry."

"I'm not your parent, I don't care if you swear," Gray said mildly. "Pretty sure I said a lot worse at your age." Then he winced. "Oh my god, pretend I didn't say that. I hate people who said when I was your age." Ryos actually laughed, settling a bit more comfortably into his seat. The area that they were driving through was heavily wooded, and the sunset cast dappled shadows through the car.

"Gajeel always acts like he knows what my life is like," Ryos said after a minute. "But he's seven years older than me. And he didn't even go to high school."

Gray nodded, remembering their afternoons hanging out in the abandoned parking lot by Jellal's old place. Gajeel would drag Ryos along after school – back then Ryos had been much shyer, hiding behind his long hair and baggy sweaters.

"Is school... okay?" Gray asked. He knew he wasn't being particularly tactful, but this wasn't an area where he had any experience.

"School's fine," Ryos said, a little too quickly, but his slumped shoulders and furrowed brow said otherwise. Gray waited patiently as Ryos picked at invisible lint on his clothes. "It's just... I don't..." Ryos sighed in frustration. "People are dicks."

"Yeah, they can be," Gray said softly. He remembered himself at sixteen – mom was dead, they had just moved to a new town, the kids in his class were assholes and he had ended up dropping out for a while rather than face how he felt. "But not all of them. You've got Sting, right?" A look of hurt and confusion flashed across Ryos' face and Gray frowned. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Ryos said hurriedly. He paused and brought the cup stopper between his teeth, chewing it anxiously. "Maybe. Yes." Gray looked over at him, trying to figure out how to help, but before he could say anything, Ryos started speaking again. "Can... if I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone?"

"Ryos..." Gray sighed, pressing his tongue against his teeth and pulling over to the side of the road. This seemed like something he needed to devote his entire attention to. He felt so torn. One the one hand, he wanted Ryos to trust him, but he was also responsible for Ryos' safety. "Yes... unless you're hurting yourself, or someone is hurting you. Or I think it's dangerous." Ryos immediately shook his head.

"No," he insisted. "That's not it." He shuffled in his seat and grabbed his jacket, clutching it to his stomach. "I'm... school is hard, because I'm not like everybody else." Ryos' eyes were firmly trained on his shoes, and he sniffled a bit. "And I haven't told Sting 'cause I'm scared he won't like me anymore and I really like him, and I don't want him to freak out and leave, but I don't want to be scared of..." He trailed off, making a frustrated sound.

"Whatever's going on sounds confusing," Gray said slowly, trying to remember how Mira spoke to him when he was struggling to express something in group.

"Mmm." Ryos sniffed again, rubbing his face. He finally looked up at Gray and sighed. "I'm trans." He immediately buried his face in his jacket, cheeks and ears flaming red. Gray was caught off-guard for a second, then breathed a sigh of relief. This was something he was pretty sure he could deal with.

"I'm... thank you for telling me," he said gently. "I'm glad you feel like you can trust me." Ryos nodded but didn't say anything. "Do you want a hug?"

"No," Ryos said softly. "I appreciate it, but please don't touch me." Gray nodded, picking up his coffee and sipping it while he contemplated what to say. Vehicles passed them on the highway, shaking the little car as they went by.

"I hope this goes without saying, but you being trans has zero impact on how we all see you as a person," he said eventually. Ryos made an unintelligible sound, but didn't lift his head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I dunno," Ryos sighed, sitting up a bit and rubbing his face. "I've known since I was seven. Dad didn't really understand and just kept saying I was... his daughter." Ryos winced. "But Gajeel's always been surprisingly cool. After dad died, I switched schools and Gajeel went to the principal to talk to them about stuff, like me using the boy's washroom and changing my name. But none of the other kids know, and Sting doesn't know, and he's gay and if he finds out I'm... I mean, I'm n-not a girl, but I have a g-girl's body, and what if he h-hates that?"

Ryos' chest started shaking, and he wiped furiously at the tears flowing down his face. This was the real issue, then. Gray sighed, wishing he could promise Ryos that everything would be okay.

"You can't predict what will happen if you tell him," Gray said finally. "And if you're planning on being intimate, it's not something you're going to be able to hide." Ryos' face turned an even deeper shade of red beneath his tears, and he groaned in embarrassment. "I know, I'm old and gross and shouldn't be talking about sex," Gray teased. Ryos huffed. "But is that what made you think about telling him?"

Ryos frowned, fear and hesitation flickering across his face. He began to chew on his thumbnail.

"I'm not going to tell Gajeel," Gray assured him. "You're a teenager, and if he thinks he can stop you from having sex, he's... well, naïve. If that's something you want to talk about, it can stay between you and me." He hoped his words sounded authentic. "As long as you're being safe and smart and taking care of yourself."

"Yeah," Ryos said eventually. "I want to... do things... with Sting." He swallowed. "Like not sex yet but other stuff. But I'm scared he'll hate my body." He ran a finger under the hair ties on his wrist, letting them snap back into place. "And I..." He exhaled sharply, staring intently at the floor. "I... dontevenknowhow." His face was flushed, but he kept going. "Like, we had sex ed and they talk about... stuff... but like, never how to... y'know... as a trans guy."

Gray's chest twisted. No wonder Ryos had been depressed and withdrawn lately. This was a lot to be carrying around.

"You've got a lot of questions," Gray said after a moment. "I wish I could answer all of them, but I'm not really qualified." Ryos looked both relieved and disappointed at the same time. "From... my experience, sex is best when you trust each other, and talk about what you want and need." He fiddled with the rim of his coffee cup. "And I don't think there's one right way to have sex. That goes for if you're cis or trans or anywhere in between."

Ryos nodded, the color in his cheeks fading a bit. Gray was actually impressed at how mature he was being. Natsu still laughed at the word 'dick' and he was almost technically an adult.

"How would you feel about talking to Freed?" Gray asked suddenly, realizing that they would be a much better resource than he could ever be. "You met them at New Year's, they're non-binary which isn't quite the same but they have more experience with gender stuff. They volunteer at the Pride Center, so they might be able to help you better than I can." Ryos nodded hesitantly. "I'm not the most helpful person ever, I'm sorry."

"No, its... fine, its good." Ryos said quietly. "You're... I trust you. I think I just needed to talk about it." Gray felt a warmth flicker in his chest at the admission – the same feeling he got when Sylvie told him that she loved him.

"That means a lot to me," Gray said honestly, draining the rest of his coffee and shoving the empty cup in the cup holder. "Do you want my phone number? You can text me if you ever need to talk." Ryos nodded, digging in his pocket for his phone and handing it to Gray to. "I'll put Freed's in here too, but we can talk to them tonight if you'd like?"

"I don't want everyone else to know," Ryos said uncertainly.

"Once we turn on the video games, everyone will be preoccupied," Gray promised. "But it's entirely up to you." He handed Ryos' phone back, then turned the car keys over in his hand. "Ready to go? Natsu's actually not bad at cooking; once he realized that food doesn't have to come from a box, he's been kind of crazy about it." Gray rolled his eyes fondly while Ryos laughed.

"Yeah, I'm ready." Ryos sat up again, tugging his hair out of its ponytail, running his fingers through the knots, then tying it up again. Gray started up the car and merged back out onto the highway, then headed down the road towards the ocean.

"So," Gray said, turning off the radio. "Tell me about this play."

__________

"He's a pretty cool kid," Natsu said. He leaned against Gray, lazily tossing pieces of popcorn into his mouth. Gray followed his gaze to where Freed and Ryos were standing in the kitchen, far enough away that he couldn't hear their conversation. Ryos glanced over at him and gave him a shy half-smile before turning back to Freed.

"Mmm. Makes me feel old," Gray admitted, feeling Natsu laugh against his chest. They were curled up in the corner of the couch, Gray's arm wrapped around Natsu, watching Laxus and Ever deep in conversation over the game they were going to be playing. Bix was running his fingers over the rules and occasionally correcting their conversation.

When Gray had returned, Ryos had been shy at first, trying to sit in the farthest corner of the couch away from everyone else. Eventually he had been dragged into a debate between Bix and Natsu over which Star Trek series was the best, and Gray found them half an hour later, Ryos vehemently defending 'Deep Space Nine.'

"He likes you, though," Natsu murmured, letting out a deep sigh and relaxing against Gray. "All kids do. I have never seen a kid not like you." Gray snorted, shifting his position so that he could run a hand through Natsu's hair. "You're so patient."

"'s 'cause I know I can give them back when I'm tired of babysitting," Gray mumbled, feeling the tug of exhaustion pulling him further into the couch. Work had been busier lately, and between that, group, and actually having a social life for the first time in a long time, he was exhausted.

Gray's phone buzzed again and he grumbled, shuffling on the couch to tug it out of his pocket. He peered at it, realizing it was a text from Gajeel.

dude im freakin out this is terryfing fuck birth is scary. is ryos ok?

He's fine, Gray replied, typing awkwardly with one hand. We're at Freed's playing board games. Is Levy okay? He could picture Gajeel pacing up and down the hospital hallway, tearing out his hair every time Levy was in pain. His thumb hesitated over the keypad, then started typing again. Can we bring you anything?

nah im good the coffee here is shit but its ok and levy got some pain drugs so its good. There was a pause, then another message popped up. ryos might be pissed about sleeping at your place, hes got stuff goin on so im sorry if hes rude dont take it personaly.

Grey chewed his lip, only realizing that he'd stopped stroking Natsu's hair when he was gently headbutted. He laughed, twining his fingers through the pink strands again and contemplating his reply. He assumed that Gajeel meant that Ryos was worried about him and Natsu finding out he was trans if he slept at their place, but they'd already had that discussion in the car. Was it okay for him to tell Gajeel that Ryos told him?

"I gotta go talk to Ryos," he said, leaning down and kissing Natsu's cheek. Natsu made a soft sound of protest but let Gray wriggle out from under him. Gray made his way toward the kitchen, leaning across the counter.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Wonderful!" Freed replied. "I was just telling Ryos about the summer camp I volunteered at, and he thinks it might be a good fit for him this year." Ryos blushed but didn't disagree. He glanced up at Gray and smiled.

"Freed says there's workshops and stuff at... the Pride Center," he said shyly, "and they teach the stuff I didn't learn in school." His ears got pinker. "And they have a youth group and stuff."

"We were just figuring out logistics," Freed added, turning back to Ryos. "I can pick you up and bring you, if you'd like. It's on my way."

Their conversation faded into the background as Gray was suddenly hit by a memory of his mom.

"T'es pas ma maman," six-year-old Gray hiccupped, wiping tears from his eyes. He held a sheet of paper in his hand from school, neon pink with the words 'Fête familiale' stamped across the top. It was still difficult to speak to Ur – Gray had spent the last year holed up in his room, refusing to talk to anyone. And now he was starting kindergarten, a year older than everyone else, and his parents were gone and couldn't come to the Family Festival. "Leonard said only mamans and papas are family."

"Oh, mon lapin," Ur said softly, crouching down in front of him and wiping at his face with her sleeve. "Leonard is wrong. Family can be anyone who loves you." She placed a hand on Gray's cheek and smiled at him. "I can't imagine how sad you are about maman and papa. I miss them too. They were my best friends."

Gray's lip shook and he squeezed his eyes shut, but it only made the tears come harder. He didn't resist when Ur tugged him into a hug, stroking his hair and rocking him gently back and forth.

"I love you, Gray," Ur said, placing a kiss on his hair. "Ultear loves you. Lyon does too, he just has a funny way of showing it." Gray sniffed and wiped at his nose again. "Grandmaman and grandpapa love you. Tante Ophélie loves you. Bisou loves you!" She gestured at the black lab that sat on the floor, tail thumping against the hardwood. "These are all your family, sweetheart."

Gray frowned, trying to process her words. The paper in his hands trembled, and he eventually held it out to Ur. She smoothed out the creases and read it over, smiling.

"Would you like me to come to this?" she asked gently, and Gray nodded, clutching her sleeve.

"Aunty Ur..." His voice was hesitant, and he kept his eyes on the ground. He knew Lyon had been adopted by Ur as well, when he was much younger, but he never called her 'Aunty.' Gray had been holding on to maman and papa, but maybe he could let Ur be family too. "Can I call you mom?"

Present-day Gray tried to keep himself from tearing up as he thought of his mom's face, the gentle way she spoke to him, the kindness and unconditional love she showed. Looking back to Ryos and Freed, he could see that same acceptance, and it tugged his lips up into a smile.

"Gray? You okay?" Ryos looked at him, concerned, and Gray shook off the memory, focusing on the present.

"Yeah... yes," Gray said. "Gajeel just texted me, Levy's doing fine but he's freaking out a bit." Ryos snorted.

"He's a drama queen," Ryos replied, and Gray watched Freed suppress a snicker. "I'm glad she's okay though."

"He made a comment about you not wanting to stay at our place," Gray began carefully, watching Ryos' face. Ryos looked puzzled, then his eyes widened.

"Oh! Oh, um... you can... tell him it's fine?" He shifted a bit in his position on the countertop. "Just tell him I told you and he'll back off. He's just protective, that's all." Ryos looked embarrassed but also somewhat proud. "He acts like a dick, but he's... he's not. He's a good brother."

Gray smiled and sat down on one of the stools, letting Freed and Ryos go back to their conversation about the youth group.

It's okay, he typed out to Gajeel. Ryos told me about being trans and we've figured it all out. He's actually talking to Freed right now about a youth group at the Pride Center. He seems really excited.

Gajeel didn't reply for a few minutes, and Gray started to wonder if there was some sort of big-brother rage coming his way.

he told you?

Yeah, when we were driving back from the school.

wow. your the only person hes told besides me. levy doesnt even know.

Gray blinked. He glanced back over at Ryos again and watched him wave his hands animatedly while Freed laughed at whatever he was saying.

I'm glad he felt comfortable enough to tell me, Gray replied eventually. He's a good kid. Then, hoping it wasn't too weird, he added, You're a good brother. And you're gonna be a great dad.

I dunno why your so nice to me now but thanks man, Gajeel replied. I was such a dick but I wanna be a good roll model for ryos and the baby. tell ryos ill call him tomorrow when the babys here.

Will do, Gray typed. Now go take care of your girlfriend. Gajeel replied with a thumbs-up emoji, which made Gray roll his eyes. Every text he got from Natsu was full of those stupid things; he was pretty sure he knew them all off by heart.

Shoving his phone back in his pocket, Gray headed back to the couch, nudging Natsu to sit up so he could slip behind him again. Natsu sighed happily, leaning back against Gray and tipping his head back to gaze at him.

"Everything okay?" he asked, squeezing Gray's thigh. Gray hummed an affirmative, then leaned back against the couch, letting the solid weight of Natsu and the background chatter of his friends – his family – lull him to sleep.

__________

French Translations

Ça va = you okay?
J'irai bien = I'll be fine
T'es pas ma maman = you're not my maman
Fête familiale = Family Festival
mon lapin = my bunny (term of endearment for children)