let me show you what it's like to never feel
like i'm good enough for anything that's real
- imagine dragons, "zero"

Natsu talked a lot. As soon as he slid into the passenger seat of Gray's shitty Buick, Natsu filled the car with his voice. He talked about the car, then about his own dream car, then about music and how Gray should definitely join their band that wasn't really a band, then asked what kind of music Gray liked, and maybe Natsu could put a playlist on his phone, and then about Lucy... on and on, jumping from topic to topic until Gray felt dizzy.

"...and he wasn't even in the same fucking country when his grandson was born! But somehow I'm the irresponsible one." Natsu bit his thumb, and Gray looked sideways at him. He could tell that Natsu was bitter about not being able to see Kaden, but wasn't sure he was willing to ask what happened.

"Does your tongue ever go numb from all that talking?" Gray asked instead. He'd meant for it to be somewhat teasing, but he immediately worried that it came across as rude. Luckily, Natsu just laughed.

"It probably would eventually," Natsu admitted, shifting in his seat and drumming his fingers along the door handle. "Usually I get told to shut up before now. Or people just stop listening." Gray snorted. "You can tell me to shut up if you want, I won't get offended." Natsu wriggled again, this time leaning so that he was facing Gray.

"It's... uh, it's fine," Gray said, pulling to a stop at a red light. He could practically feel the energy vibrating off of Natsu. "Did Gajeel hurt you?"

Natsu shook his head. "Nah, just being an ass. That was a pretty impressive punch, though!" Gray smiled a little at that, still feeling the sting of his split knuckles.

"He had it coming," he said. The light turned green and he urged the car forward.

"Where do you know him from?" Natsu asked. Gray tensed, even though he could tell that the question was only meant conversationally. "Did you guys go to the same school?"

"Something like that," Gray replied vaguely. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, gritting his teeth against the dull, aching pain that was spreading from his shoulder down his back. It has been getting worse as the day went on, and now it was nearly intolerable. Why the hell had he offered Natsu a ride? He needed to get home and get his meds. "What'd he want from you?"

"J-just being a jerk," Natsu replied, ears pink and voice hesitant. Gray shrugged, he wasn't going to pry. "Y'know, pick on the gay kid, I guess."

"Well, he got two of us," Gray replied, ignoring Natsu's surprised glance. It might as well be out in the open. "I'm mean, I'm bi, but I don't care if anybody knows about me, and that asshole can eat a bag of dicks."

Natsu stared at Gray for a moment, then burst out laughing. Full-body, chest-shaking, noisy laughs that brought tears to his eyes. Gray tried to remain stoic, but Natsu's cheer seemed to be contagious, and he found himself snickering as well.

"A bag... hah... of dicks!" Natsu giggled, wiping tears from his eyes and looking over at Gray with a silly grin on his face. Gray rolled his eyes, but his lip curled up in amusement.

"So, where am I taking you?" Gray asked. He realized that he'd never actually asked Natsu where he lived, and that he'd been unconsciously heading toward his own apartment the entire time.

"Um, anywhere is fine..." Natsu said uncertainly. Gray turned to see Natsu chewing his thumbnail again. "I'm... not really ready to go home yet." He darted a glance over and met Gray's eyes for a second. "But I know you said you were busy tonight and you probably have to get home, so seriously you can even just drop me right here if you'd like, if that's easiest..."

Goddamn he is gorgeous, Gray thought as he listened to Natsu ramble. Natsu's thumb rested on his lower lip as he spoke, other hand tapping an erratic rhythm on his thigh. Gray had to blink and force himself to look back at the road.

It would be easiest to just drop him off here and end this, one part of his brain said. Remember what happens when you get close to people? As if on cue, the nerves in his shoulder fired a particularly nasty spasm down his side. He couldn't hold in the pained grunt it elicited.

"Hey, are you okay?" Natsu asked, frowning. Gray gritted his teeth, refusing to look at the likely-concerned expression on Natsu's face, and nodded shortly. They were still moving towards his own apartment, passing familiar shops and street signs.

It's not going to kill you to spend time with him, another part of his brain argued. Ask him if he wants to go to a movie. Gray hesitated, caught in indecision. On the one hand, Ultear and his therapist would be thrilled that he made a friend. On the other hand, he had punched a guy to cement said friendship, and Gray would probably like to do more than friendship-like things to Natsu if they got too close. Fuck.

"Seriously, are you okay?" Natsu asked again. "You're super white. Are you gonna throw up?" Gray gripped the steering wheel harder as they rounded the corner to his apartment, pulling into the parking area on the street. He took a couple of deep breaths, then turned to face Natsu.

"I'm fine," Gray said, wanting to snap at him to mind your goddamn business, but getting lost in the intensity of Natsu's eyes. "Just a headache." Natsu gave him a look that said I know you're full of shit, but Gray ignored it.

"Where are we?" Natsu turned and looked out the window, whistling at the view of the ocean down the road ahead of them.

"Uh... home," Gray said, flustered. He could feel heat creeping up his face and into his cheeks and he hated himself for it. "Listen, do... do you mind waiting here a sec?" Natsu looked confused. "I just gotta grab something from upstairs and then I'll take you home." There was no way he was making it any further with this pain searing down his side.

"Don't worry about it, I can walk from here!" Natsu grinned at Gray, as if he weren't at all unnerved by Gray's strange behavior.

"You live close by?" Gray asked curiously, but Natsu just kept smiling. He grabbed the door handle and pushed himself out of the car as Gray did the same.

"Something like that," Natsu replied. He hefted his bag onto his back, then pulled a phone from his back pocket. It was an old, barely functioning flip phone, and Gray snorted when he saw it.

"What a piece of shit," he said. A minute burst of hurt flashed across Natsu's face before he laughed out loud and nodded his head, flipping it open and closed a few times.

"Definitely," he agreed. "Can I, uh, get your number?" Gray's heart did a little cartwheel. "Y'know, for like, band practice or jamming or whatever." Natsu looked down at the ground, cheeks pink.

"Y-yeah," Gray stammered, reaching out to grab the phone. He opened it and poked a few buttons curiously. "I... may not know how to use this." Natsu laughed, reaching out to take the device. As Gray passed it back, his sleeve lifted up slightly, revealing a small, simple snowflake tattooed on his wrist.

"Sweet!" Natsu exclaimed, gripping Gray's wrist and pushing his sleeve up further to get better look. Two larger flakes trailed up Gray's forearm, blending into the first. Gray's face flushed and he fought the urge to pull his arm away. "Those look great – did you get them done here?" Gray nodded, trying to remain still as Natsu ran his soft, warm fingers over Gray's wrist. "What do they mean?"

Gray froze, words stuck in his throat.

Four-year-old Gray stumbled on his skates, landing on his knees in the middle of the small, frozen pond. A woman with soft, dark hair and cheeks pink with cold bent down, reaching out to Gray and placing him back on his feet.

"Merci, maman," Gray said, holding her hands as she skated backwards, pulling him along behind her. Huge, soft snowflakes fell from the sky, landing on his tongue, and he closed his eyes, feeling the winter air press against his cheeks.

"Quel grand garçon!" a deep, gentle voice said. Gray turned, and there was his father, smiling widely, hair full of snow, holding his arms out towards his son.

"Non," whispered Gray's mother in his ear. "T'es mon petit flocon de neige."

"Little snowflake," Gray whispered. Petit flocon de neige.

"Snowflake, huh?" Natsu seemed to either have not noticed or was ignoring Gray's slightly pained expression. "I like it." He took the phone, typed something into it, and then passed it back to Gray. "Just put your number in there."

Gray glanced down at the screen, still feeling slightly dizzy. Natsu had typed SNOWFLAKE, then left room for Gray's number. Gray punched in the numbers slowly, trying to navigate how he felt about Natsu using that nickname. It felt like it should sting, but instead it only made him feel warm and slightly wistful. He decided he didn't mind.

"Awesome, well, I'll..." Natsu paused. "I'll harass you about your smoking habits tomorrow!" Gray snorted, then waved as Natsu practically skipped down the sidewalk towards the beach.

As soon as Natsu was out of sight, Gray dashed across the lawn and took the steps to his apartment two at a time. The pain was peaking now, too far gone to just use the stuff he took on a daily basis. The neurologist had spent months tweaking Gray's medications, switching them and balancing them, until they came to something that helped him return to something resembling normalcy. His regular meds kept it mostly manageable, but he'd taken those this morning and the pain was almost intolerable now. The stress was obviously fucking him up.

Gray slid his key into the lock and kicked the door open, dashing to the bathroom and grabbing the bottle of painkillers. He popped two in his mouth and washed them down with a glass of water, making a face at the taste. Usually they made him sleepy, but at least it would kick in quickly.

"Hey, Happy," Gray said as a furry tail swiped over his jeans. He bent down to pick up the cat that was purring at his feet, and it batted at his nose. He'd named it Happy to be ironic, since his sister had given it to him when he was in the lowest pit of his depression, but he'd actually come to love the thing. "Were you lonely all day?" Happy mrowled at Gray and he laughed. "Well, then, I guess we'd better make some supper then."

Gray set Happy back onto the floor, then gazed at himself in the mirror, running a hand through his hair. What the fuck am I doing? he thought, picturing Natsu's smile, the warmth of his hand against Gray's wrist, the way he just talked and talked and Gray didn't even mind. What am I getting myself into?

Gray's phone pinged in his pocket, and he pulled it out.

hey snowflake, just makin sure u didnt give me a fake number.

Gray snorted, swiping across the screen. He was tempted to save the number under some ridiculous nickname, but nothing came to mind, and when he finally typed 'Natsu' into his phone, his stomach felt strange. He typed and deleted several messages before finally sending one.

Nope, you're stuck with me.

Gray cursed himself for being so ridiculously unoriginal, then shoved his phone into his back pocket and made his way into the kitchen. He opened the fridge door and stood in front of it for several minutes, glaring at its contents. Finally, he slammed it shut and stared at Happy, who had prowled in and was rubbing himself on Gray's ankles.

"We're ordering takeout," Gray announced, pulling out his phone again and flopping down on the couch. Happy quickly followed, folding himself into a neat ball on Gray's stomach. Gray would never admit it, but sometimes the vibrations from Happy purring helped to soothe the pain in his side. He scratched Happy's ears as he thumbed through his app, settling on Chinese takeout when a message from Natsu popped up.

could be worse, could be stuck with gajeel and his bag of dicks.

Gray snorted with laughter and Happy meowed at him, fidgeting unhappily.

Glad I rate higher than a bag of dicks, Gray replied, shaking his head. He set his phone down beside him and leaned his head back into the cushions. The meds were starting to work and the pain was fading, a cute boy was texting him, he had a purring cat on his lap, and Chinese food was on its way. Maybe life wasn't so bad after all.

__________

French Translations

Merci, Maman = Thank you, mom
Quel grand garçon! = What a big boy!
Tu es mon petit flocon de neige = You're my little snowflake