we didn't break, we didn't burn
we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
i had to learn what i got, and what i'm not, and who i am
- jason mraz, "i won't give up"

Gray was woken up by tiny feet kicking his thighs. He yawned, blinking down at Sylvie, who had managed to worm her way in between him and Natsu at some point during the night. He must have left the door unlocked when he got up to grab water at three in the morning.

"Hey, coco," he said sleepily, wrapping an arm around her as she nuzzled her face into his chest. The purple streaks in her hair were rubbing off onto his shirt, but he didn't mind. "Tu as bien dormi?" Sylvie nodded, then squirmed out from under Gray's arm and sat up, bouncing on the bed.

"Piscine?" she asked eagerly. Gray laughed, realizing now that she was already wearing her swimming shorts and shirt. "Uncle Na'su aussi?" They both looked over at the snoring lump that was Natsu – he was lying on his back with a hand thrown over his face, and Happy was curled up on his chest.

"Tu peux lui demander," Gray replied, watching with a smile as Sylvie leaned over to Natsu and whispered in his ear.

"Come swimming!"

Natsu grumbled a bit, lifting his arm off his face and blinking at her blearily.

"Wake up, up, up!" Sylvie punctuated each up with a push of both hands on Natsu's chest, and he sighed theatrically, then rolled over on top of her. "Ahh! Off, you heavy!" she squealed.

"What's that?" Natsu asked innocently, looking up at Gray and grinning. "This bed isn't very comfortable." Gray snorted, trying not to be enchanted by Natsu's bed hair and sweatpants and the patch of skin that was showing where his shirt was pulled up.

"Not a bed!" Sylvie shouted, giggling uncontrollably. "Off!"

"Hmm, my bed appears to be talking," Natsu continued, rolling over once more and pinning Sylvie under his legs. "Aha! This isn't a bed at all! It's a Jedi!" He grabbed her under the armpits and began tickling her while she laughed and squirmed.

"Stop!" she squealed, and he let go of her immediately. She sat down in his lap and gave him a condescending look. "Not Jedi. Pirate!" She pointed at the skull and crossbones on her swim shirt, and Natsu glanced up at Gray, eyebrow raised.

"She picked it out, not me," Gray said.

"Pool! Piscine!" Sylvie shouted, leaping from the bed and racing out into the living room. Natsu groaned and flopped back down onto the bed.

"What time is it?" he grumbled.

"You don't wanna know," Gray replied, slipping his pajamas and boxers down and pulling up his swim trunks. His hand hesitated over the shirt he normally wore in the pool to hide his scars. He must have stood there for longer than he realized, because suddenly a pair of warm arms were around his waist, and Natsu's chest was pressed into his back. Natsu didn't say anything, just pressed a soft kiss to the back of Gray's neck and then reached into the drawer, snagging Gray's second pair of swim trunks for himself.

"I have no idea how to swim," Natsu said, changing quickly and zipping up a hoodie over his bare chest. How did that manage to look so sexy? "So it's your job to keep me from drowning."

"You... how can you not..." Gray trailed off, realizing that Natsu's various foster homes probably hadn't paid to send their kids to swimming lessons like his own parents had. "Sorry." Natsu shrugged, moving closer and trailing his fingers down Gray's arm to his hand, which was still resting on the t-shirt.

"You don't have to be one hundred percent okay," he said softly, pressing one more kiss to Gray's shoulder and then heading out of the room to find Sylvie.

__________

Gray ended up wearing the shirt. He had stood at the drawer for a lot longer than was probably necessary, trying to work through the tangled mess in his stomach. Natsu already knew – he had seen the scars, kissed them, worshipped them with the rest of Gray's body. Sylvie had seen them, too – she had been there when Gray woke up in the hospital, had asked him millions of questions about the new marks on his body that had somehow not been hurtful or upsetting.

But... what if someone else came in? As far as Gray knew, he was the only person in the apartment block who ever used the pool, but... what if? And even the thought of being somewhere – anywhere – without the scars covered up was terrifying. He was already anxious about reading the letters from Lyon later today, and he decided he didn't want to stress himself out any more than necessary.

They spent almost two hours in the pool. Sylvie spent eighty percent of the time jumping from the edge into the water, and the other twenty percent riding on Gray's back while he swam. Natsu was hesitant about going any deeper than his waist at first, but once he realized that he could just stay close to the edge, he joined them in the deeper water.

"Wha' 'sat?" Sylvie asked at one point, pointing at Natsu's bare forearm. Ever since the New Year's party, Natsu had been less shy about rolling up his sleeves or wearing short-sleeved shirts in public, so Gray wasn't surprised that he hadn't worn a shirt in the pool. Gray winced at Sylvie's question, but Natsu just looked thoughtful.

"You know how pirates sometimes have eye patches, or hook hands from the big battles they fight?" Natsu asked eventually, reaching out and letting Sylvie float while clinging to his arms. She nodded, uncharacteristically quiet. "They're kinda like that. I had some big battles, but they were in my head instead of in real life. So these are my scars from those battles."

Gray felt his throat tighten and a warm pressure behind his eyes at the gentle explanation, and he reached over to grab Natsu's hand. Natsu's eyes widened as Sylvie leaned her head down and pressed a kiss to the most recent scar.

"All better?" she asked, eyes serious. Natsu's face softened and his eyes were glistening as he smiled at her.

"All better," he whispered.

__________

Brunch at Ultear and Xavier's house flew by in a hurricane of pancakes, bacon, and maple syrup in every single child's hair. Gray appreciated the soft weight of Natsu's hand on his thigh as they ate, but he couldn't keep anything down. His stomach twisted and churned, and he ended up just drinking coffee instead, tapping his fingers nervously on the table.

After breakfast was over, Natsu chased the kids off into the living room, where Gray could hear him telling stories. He smiled fondly, rubbing his eyes, then looked up at Ultear, who had come to sit next to him.

"Je vais les lire," he blurted out, avoiding eye contact by examining the pattern on his mug. It was one of mom's – white with a blue sailboat. She had bought it when they took a family trip to Lunenburg to see the replica of the Bluenose schooner. Gray had been eleven, and after sailing for a day he had decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life on the ocean.

"Es-tu certain?" Ultear's voice cut through Gray's memories and he sighed, setting down his coffee and running both hands through his hair.

"No," he admitted, then continued in French. "But I have to know. I need to know... why." Ultear nodded sadly, then reached over and grasped one of his hands. Gray pressed his tongue against his teeth. "Has he ever written to you?" Ultear shook her head.

"No, he has only ever sent letters for you." She squeezed his hand. "Please be careful. You might not find what you want."

"I don't even know what I want," Gray muttered, dropping his head to the table. "Can I... is it okay if I just have a quick nap before we go? Even just half an hour?" Exhaustion was dragging him down, but he was pretty sure it wasn't from their early morning swim.

"Of course, Gray," Ultear replied, standing up and tugging on his hand. He let her take his arm and help him to his feet, then buried his face in her shoulder when she wrapped him up in a hug.

"I miss the three of us," Gray said suddenly, the words muffled by Ultear's sweater. "I miss our snowball fights. And how he- Lyon and I would build that ice ramp for sledding and every single year one of us would get hurt." Ultear laughed, running her fingers through Gray's hair. "Remember how we would ride our bikes to the library and then race home to see who got the comfortable chair?"

"Lyon always won," Ultear said quietly, and Gray could hear the faint smile in her voice. "And you and I would share the porch swing instead." Gray hummed in acknowledgement, and Ultear was quiet for a moment. Then, in an even softer voice, she whispered, "I miss mom".

Gray stiffened for a moment but Ultear refused to let him leave her embrace, continuing to comb his hair with her fingers.

"It wasn't your fault," she murmured, and Gray gripped her sweater tightly. "I know you miss her too. I remember the first year you lived with us, you didn't talk, so mom would draw pictures for you and put them under your bedroom door."

"I had them all hung on my walls," Gray murmured, sniffling at the memory. "I kept every single one. I still have them."

"She loved you so, so much." Ultear squeezed Gray tighter, pressing a kiss to his temple. "I miss her, and I miss Lyon, and I miss all three of us too. But I am still very, very angry at him, and I may not ever be able to forgive him for what he did to you."

Gray sighed, pulling back from Ultear and rubbing his eyes. There was a faint buzz in the back of his mind that was starting to feel overwhelming, so he didn't argue when Ultear directed him towards the guest room, telling him that she would explain everything to Natsu. As soon as he reached the bed he collapsed, and he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

__________

"Don't push yourself," Ultear said softly, kissing Gray's forehead as he took the stack of letters from her hands. He shook his head slowly, not answering, and Ultear gazed over his shoulder at Natsu. "Make sure he takes care of himself."

"Always," Natsu said quietly, coming up beside Gray and nudging him with his shoulder. Sylvie came barreling down the hallway to say goodbye, holding a Lego creation in her hand.

"Uncle Na'su! Dragon!" She held it up and he crouched down next to her, taking it and running his fingers over it appreciatively. Gray smiled softly at them, feeling affection pushing back the anxiety in his mind.

"It's an awesome dragon," Natsu said, sweeping Sylvie up in a hug and squeezing her until she squealed at him to let her go, giggling all the while. She flopped down on the floor, peering up at Gray and frowning.

"Uncle Gray sad?" she asked. He sighed, kneeling down and reaching out to Sylvie. He hoped she'd never share this feeling of grief and anticipation and terror. She launched herself forward and buried her face in his shoulder, then leaned back and pressed her hands to either side of his face, looking at him with a frown. "Moi aime quand toi content."

"Moi aussi, j'aime être content, tresor," Gray replied, placing his hand over one of hers and then switching to English for Natsu's sake. "But sometimes it's okay to be sad. I'll be fine. Uncle Natsu's gonna take care of me, okay?" Natsu reached over and ruffled Gray's hair, to Sylvie's delight. "I'll see you in five sleeps."

Gray leaned forward and kissed Sylvie's nose, then let Natsu help him up. His shoulder was aching today, and he knew Natsu had seen him pocket the painkillers before they left.

"Gray, just, please..." Ultear's hands were clasped in front of her chest, and Gray smiled thinly at her, trying to be reassuring. He could feel his hands shaking already, and was glad when Natsu grasped his elbow firmly.

"Tout va bien," he insisted, tucking the letters into the inside pocket of his jacket. "Je t'appelerai."

The walk down to the car was silent, as was most of their drive. Natsu rested his hand lightly on Gray's thigh, drawing comforting patterns over Gray's jeans while he flipped through music on his phone. Gray noticed that the songs he chose were soft and mellow, and they helped calm the anxious finger-tapping he was doing on the steering wheel.

When they arrived at Freed's place, Gray sat in the driver's seat for a long time, staring out the window and chewing on his lip. Was he ready for this? Should he just burn them? Did he really need to know what Lyon wanted to say? Could he ever forgive him? What if he never forgave him and he carried around this anger and anxiety for the rest of h—

"It doesn't have to be today." Natsu's soft voice cut through the spiral of anxiety in Gray's mind, and he exhaled sharply, turning to look at Natsu. Gray's chest clenched at the sight of those soft brown eyes, the dusting of freckles across Natsu's nose, the way he was gazing at Gray with a mixture of concern and adoration.

"I know," Gray replied finally, releasing his grip on the steering wheel and tugging the keys from the ignition. "But I'm ready. I think." As he moved around to Natsu's side of the car, Natsu pulled Gray into a tight hug, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek.

"I'll be whatever you need."

Gray was surprised to see that Freed's place wasn't an apartment at all, but half of a duplex. Bix answered the door in a pair of sweatpants and an AC/DC hoodie, a curious-looking golden retriever peering out from behind him.

"Hey Bix, it's Gray and Natsu, how's it going?" Natsu lightly grasped Bix's forearm, and Bix returned the gesture, smiling.

"Good! Freed's baking cookies, come on in!"

Natsu immediately kicked off his shoes and darted down the hall towards the kitchen. Gray shrugged off his jacket and hung it in the closet, looking curiously at the dog. She was sitting as close as she possibly could to him, staring up at him with her tongue lolling out the side of her mouth. He'd never been around a service dog before.

"Bix, can I, uh... your dog is giving me a look," he said. Bix laughed, reaching into his pocket and tossing a couple of treats over to Gray.

"You can pet her, she's off duty. She's just a mooch – aren't you, Baby?" Baby's fluffy tail pounded on the floor, and she devoured the treats from Gray's hand, sniffing him eagerly for more. "If she's not wearing her vest or harness then she's fine to pet," Bix explained. Baby darted off down the hallway after Natsu, and Gray could hear him cooing at her from in the kitchen.

"Thanks for letting us come over," Gray said quietly, fiddling with the stack of envelopes in his hand.

"No problem," Bix replied, gesturing for Gray to follow him into the kitchen. Natsu was – predictably – on the floor with Baby, scratching behind her ears while she gazed at him adoringly. Freed waved at Gray, pulling a tray of what looked like oatmeal raisin cookies from the oven and setting them on a wire rack.

"Cookies are in the usual spot, Bix, but they just came out, please don't burn your tongue again," Freed chastised. "Would the two of you like to stay for dinner tonight?"

Natsu glanced up at Gray, giving him a look that said, whatever you need. Gray looked down at his shaky hands and hesitated.

"Can I see how I feel?" he asked finally. "After..." He held the envelopes out to Freed, who took them with a sad expression on their face. "I have some letters," Gray said to Bix quickly. "From my... brother. Freed said they would..."

"You don't need to explain." Bix smiled, reaching out and finding a cookie, then wincing at the heat on his fingers. "If you want me to clear out, I've got about a hundred pages of reading to do, and Freed would probably be thrilled if I took care of the pile of laundry upstairs." Freed made a soft hmmph noise, but didn't disagree.

"It's... I don't th..." Bix ran his hand along the counter, felt for Gray's, and ran it up to his shoulder, squeezing gently.

"I'll be upstairs," he said. He grinned at the group, then moved into the kitchen and grabbed a plate, piling several cookies onto it.

"Thank you," Gray said softly. His chest ached and his stomach was a tangle of roiling knots.

"Anytime, my friend," Bix replied, clicking his tongue until Baby jumped up from Natsu's lap and followed him up the stairs.

"Should we move into the living room?" Freed suggested gently as Natsu got to his feet and moved over to Gray, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Gray nodded. Natsu grabbed a couple of cookies, then guided Gray over to the couch where they slumped down together. Gray felt a familiar numbness spreading through his body, interrupted only by dull throbs of pain from his shoulder.

"Gray, are you sure you want me to—"

"Yes." The tips of Gray's fingers were cold, and he pressed himself against Natsu, taking solace from the way Natsu's hand curled around his shoulder. "Please. I can't do it myself. I... I need to know."

Freed nodded, moving until they were sitting cross legged and brushing their hair over one shoulder. They picked up the first envelope, then looked cautiously at Gray before sliding their finger under the seal.

Gray felt his heart pounding in his chest, tightening his lungs and making it harder to breathe. Natsu ran a soothing hand up and down his back, and he tried to focus on the motion.

"Gray," Freed read after a moment, their voice uncertain. "J'ai commencé et recommencé cette lettre plusieurs fois, et pourtant je ne sais pas encore quoi écrire. Sais que je t'aime, je suis désolé, et que tu n'étais pas responsable pour la mort de notre mère."

A sob broke out of Gray's throat and he brought a hand to his chest, trying to press away the tightness that was spreading there. Natsu made a soothing noise and grabbed one of Gray's hands, rubbing his thumb over the back in circles.

"C-can... you t-translate it?" Gray asked, wanting Natsu to understand.

"Of course," Freed said softly, starting over again in English. Their voice was soft and melodic, and it seemed to round out the harsh edges of Gray's memories.

Gray,

I have written and re-written this letter over and over again, and I still can't find a way to start it. I want you to know that I love you, I'm sorry, and mom's death wasn't your fault. I don't deserve forgiveness, and I don't expect it from you. I don't know if these words mean anything from me, or if you'll just tear them to pieces. I know that what I did was unforgivable. I've done a lot of terrible things over the past five years, but hurting you was the most despicable thing I have ever done in my life. Writing it hurts. I can't imagine how much it hurt you.

I know there is nothing I can do to repair things. I'm going to be in here for a long time, and that is entirely my own doing. It's probably for the best. I'm clean now, for what it's worth. It makes the past clearer, though, and I can't overlook the terrible things I've done.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

It wasn't your fault.

Love,

Lyon

"Fuck," Gray whispered under his breath, watching Freed slowly set down the letter on the couch. He could feel his breath coming quicker, and his face was wet, and his hands were tingling, and there was a choked sound coming from the back of his throat...

"Gray, c'mere," Natsu whispered, tugging him backwards until his face was buried in Natsu's chest. Gray felt another sob escape his body, and his hands came up to grasp Natsu's shirt. "I'm here, I've got you." One of Natsu's arms wrapped around his back while the other came up to run through his hair. He rocked Gray gently back and forth, humming softly.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Gray whispered letting the word build in his chest until he screamed it. "FUCK!" He pushed his forehead against Natsu's chest, sobbing. "It hurts," he whimpered, not knowing exactly what was referring to. "I don't want it, don't w-want it, don't want h-his apology, he c-can't be sorry, doesn't deserve it, I c-can't, I can't, I c-can't forgive him..."

"Gray, you don't have to forgive him," Natsu whispered. He was pressing soft kisses to Gray's temples now, and had shifted so that Gray was curled up between his legs.

"B-but, I feel... I'm j-just..." Gray took a shuddering breath, trying to sort out his emotions. "I'm s-so a-angry." That wasn't what he wanted to say, but whatever really felt was buried deep beneath the surface and he couldn't dig it out.

"You're allowed to be angry," Natsu replied, steady and present. "You can feel whatever you need to feel." Gray hiccupped again, and a wounded, desperate sound escaped his throat. All the hard walls he'd built around himself were so chipped and damaged. Natsu had kicked them down, and then all of these people had taken pieces, and pieces, and he'd let himself be loved by them, and now...

"He still loves me," Gray choked, wiping his face with his sleeve. "He l-loves me and I'm his b-brother so why did he HURT me?" It felt like he was drowning, taking deep, gasping breaths to keep air in his lungs.

"I don't know, Snowflake," Natsu said softly, pulling Gray tighter and wrapping both arms around his shoulders. Gray was vaguely aware that Natsu was crying too, running his hands from Gray's hair down to the base of his spine and back up again. "I wish I had the answers."

"I d-don't w-want him to love me..." Gray sobbed, choking on each breath. "I h-hate him." Natsu's fingers curled into the hair at the base of Gray's neck as he pressed their wet cheeks together.

"I know," he whispered, kissing Gray timidly. "I'm sorry. I wish I could make this easier for you." Gray returned the kiss, then dropped his forehead back to Natsu's chest and let his shoulders shake with sobs.

"Tabarnak," he swore, squeezing his eyes shut. "Enculé de fils de pute. Il peut aller se faire foutre." He exhaled wetly through the tears. "Je le déteste, mais il me manque."

"Oh, Gray," Natsu murmured. "I'm so sorry, Snowflake. I'm sorry. I'm here."

Natsu's gentle hands pressed into Gray's back, as if he was trying to pull Gray into himself to protect him from everything terrible.

"I love you," Natsu whispered.

Gray felt a sudden wave of relief wash through him, a tiny island of serenity and acceptance in this nightmare of tangled emotions. Natsu loved him. Loved him and hadn't hurt him, wouldn't hurt him, couldn't hurt him. It somehow made Lyon's words sting just a little bit less.

Gray wasn't sure how long they sat together, him curled up in Natsu's lap, Natsu's arms wrapped around him and gently caressing his back. Eventually the tears abated and Gray sat up a bit, dragging the sleeve of his sweater over his eyes.

"Hey, you," Natsu said softly, running a hand down the side of Gray's face. "Freed left after they read the letter – they're making you some tea." Gray swallowed, glancing over to the other end of the couch and seeing the stack of the other letters piled neatly on the coffee table. He pressed himself closer to Natsu and shivered. "D'you wanna go home?"

"No," Gray said quietly, surprised by his own words. "That was... I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. And it's a lot to think about, and maybe being distracted is a good idea right now?" Natsu nodded, kissing Gray's temple and relaxing back into the couch.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked. Gray huffed out a laugh, squirming into a cross-legged position.

"You already do so much," he replied, resting his hand on Natsu's ankle and squeezing. "And... you know I..." He felt like he needed to respond to Natsu's earlier words, but he felt like a simple I love you, too was just... cheap.

"Don't," Natsu said gently, resting his head on Gray's shoulder. "When you're ready." He tipped his head up and kissed Gray's cheek, then nudged for him to look over at Freed, who had just come back into the living room.

"I brought out a few different types of tea, I wasn't sure what you like," they said, setting a tray down on the coffee table and then perching on the couch next to Gray. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened with your brother, but this seems like an enormous step for you."

"He... shot me," Gray said quietly, tightening his grip on Natsu's ankle. He had done this once. He could do it again. This is what he had to do – pick at this wound, excise it over and over and over until it was nothing more than a thin silver scar. "Can I... tell you what happened?"

"Of course," Freed replied, tugging their cardigan off and throwing it over the back of the couch, then settling down next to Gray. Gray took a deep breath, fighting the dizziness that was pushing against the inside of his skull.

"Lyon blamed me for our mom's death," he started, and the words began to tumble out of him, awkward and stuttered. But it was easier than the first time. Maybe next time would be even easier, and the time after that, and eventually he might even be able to say Lyon's name without flinching. Was this what recovery felt like? He hoped so. Because here, curled up on Freed's couch, tucked in between two people he cared for, Gray felt like one day, he might actually be better.

__________

French Translations

Tu as bien dormi? = Did you sleep well?
Piscine = pool
Tu peux lui demander = you can ask him
Je vais les lire = I'm going to read them (the letters)
Es-tu certain? = Are you sure?
Moi aime quand toi content = Me like when you happy
Moi aussi, j'aime être content, trésor = I like to be happy too, sweetie
Tout ira bien = It'll be fine
Je t'appelerai = I'll call you
Enculé de fils de pute. Il peut aller se faire foutre. = Motherfucking son of a bitch. He can go fuck himself.
Je le déteste, mais il me manque. = I hate him, but I miss him.